PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

Original thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5208090-i-would-rather-die-then-leave-but-i-cant-cope-staying

Lots happened. My Dad went into heart failure. My ex was being hell on earth and being with him it was easier to soothe him and stop the effects. So in October 2025 I went back. And now my life is over. I have lost hair from it being pulled out. The gaslighting is so so so so bad I cant see up from down. I have recordings now and still cant accept hes cruel or evil.

I know he is. He stands over me mocking me once he breaks me. He mocks the blood on the carpet. As I write this I am suffering a head injury and on the phone to 111. It happened a few days ago and today I woke up to 'racoon eyes' which google said needed A and E. As I am on hold he is mocking me, telling me how i will explain I got the injury for being a thick bitch. (without going into too much detail I was refusing a sex act, he held me down and something in my head went click and i passed out, was fine since bar a headache and now the eyes). He has refused to help with the kids and has instead given them TV since 6am (I cant sit up without puking) and one of them is ND and too much TV makes them VERY dysregualted. They are now dysregulated and he is screaming at them/whats wring with you comments etc.

I know I could go to the police or SS. But heres the thing. I cant' My head? Its gone, worse than before. I just feel guilty. Since the injury he has gaslit, lied, mocked me a hundred times. He has had fake conversations. He has fake hallucinated. He pretended to leave the kids unattended earlier so that I was forced to literally bum shuffle down the stairs to check on them and then he laughed his head off at me as i wretched and then gasped in pain at the wretching. I crawled back up the stairs and he mocked my giant arse (i am in PJ shorts). I cant explain the extremis of the mental abuse. I know he has drugged me recently and admitted it and said it is becyase I was nagging. I was asking him to confirm he was still collecting child from school and he wouldnt. So many things this week alone.

The thing is, I just feel guilty for not being able to appease him. I feel guilty for refusing the sex act which he then hurt me for. Becuase he was suspended from his new job today after 6 weeks there (for harassment, bullying and misconduct). Which is ironic. But i feel like i should have been understanding. On the flip side I feel insane. But its like an addiction. I even feel relief when he finally hits me after storming arounf the house slamming doors as i know hell be ok after.

I cant face family again. My kids deserve better. And I cant give it to them. I cant escape etiehr. I read and read, podcast after podcast, journal after journal. I cant escape him. He is in my head every second.

then he smiles at me and strokes my head and suddenly its ok, i can survive.

I CANT ESCAPE MY OWN HEAD. I CAN ESCAPE HIM BUT MY HEAD FOLLOWS AND I CANT STOP IT ANYMORE. ONCE IM AWAY THE FLASHBACKS ARE WORSE. I CANT COPE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE HELPLINES ARE SHIT AND THE NHS JUST DO TALKING THERAPY AND IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IMD ONE IM SO DONE

I READ COMMENTS FROM THE OLD THREAD AND IVE LET THEM ALL DOWN TOO AND I DONT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC BUT I CANT DO IT AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAVE HIM BECAUSE HE DOESNT MEAN IT BUT HE DOES MEAN IT BECAUSE HES EVEN NASTY TO WORK NOW BUT IN MY HEAD THE SECOND HE STOPS ITS OK AND WORTH IT, ITS WORHT IT JUST DOR IT TO STOP

I have no idea. He has left. He has turned his location off. I am still at my friends

Disappointed he’s not been arrested, to be honest.

I don't know the outcome. The police said they would update after they took the statement yesterday so waiting on that

I very much hope he’s been arrested. Have the police been in touch yet?

How is the day going for you? Are you planning to stay with your friends today? That might be a good idea if it’s possible. The more in-person support you can receive, the better.

I hope you can move forward now, step by step. I know it won’t be easy but it’s unquestionably worth the effort.

Really really struggling. I’m leaving for school run now as going home first to get some bits. We are staying at my friends as I work Tuesday evenings. Tomorrow normal life I’ll be home again etc

Fighting thoughts of warning him etc.

What do you mean warning him?

@Forevertrappedhere do not contact him. I know it’s going against what your brain is telling you but he is the abuser, you are doing the right thing and he does not deserve any sympathy, support or help from you. He is not your friend, his treatment of you is cruel and vindictive, almost sadistic in the depravity of it. He is not your responsibility, you are only responsible for yourself and your children. You need to keep yourself safe for them if nothing else. You can do this.

Keep going! Fight those thoughts. Please don’t contact him or accept calls from him. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best possible thing for yourself and your children. Every minute you are away from that monster is a win.

Just delete his number. You don’t need to have it.

Had a reply from court regarding the Non-Mol. It has to be done in court now and not emailed in. I have SS/Medical/CAB appointments every day this week (only the odd hour) but the email said have to remain onsite for the listing etc which means I cant get this side sorted until next week.

V V V stressed and terrified I will cave and all sorts of things.

This is as hard as I thought and I know people think meh just blank it out but it isnt as simple as that. I cant stop shaking or being sick. I am doing my best but that is so so hard

Can you stay at your friend’s house, or with family? Please don’t go home.

A change in circumstances like police involvement, him being kicked out etc is when you and your children are most at risk of being murdered. Please don't be a family annihilation statistic.

Stay away from your old home. It must be your former home - your must stay away. Contact your landlord or mortgage provider and ask to speak to the vulnerable customer/domestic abuse team.

This is the 8 step timeline of domestic abuse homicide in women killed by men. (Research by Forensic criminologist and University of Gloucestershire lecturer, Dr Jane Monckton Smith, published 2018)

You are at step 5/6, and you'll never know about stage 7 until it's too late.

1. A pre-relationship history of stalking or abuse by the perpetrator (unless it's their first relationship)
2. The romance develops quickly into a serious relationship
3. The relationship becomes dominated by coercive control
4. A trigger threatens the perpetrator's control - for example, the relationship ends or the perpetrator gets into financial difficulty

5. Escalation - an increase in the intensity or frequency of the partner's control tactics, such as stalking or threatening suicide
6. The perpetrator has a change in thinking - choosing to move on, either through revenge or by homicide
7 Planning - the perpetrator might buy weapons or seek opportunities to get the victim alone
8 Homicide - the perpetrator kills his or her partner and possibly hurts others such as the victim's children

I don't know if I have been clear but he still has his own place which is roughly 40 minutes away from me. I did check his Ring footage and see he was at home.

We have found something called a DVPN which turns into a DVPO which is similar to a non mol and if broken means immediate arrest and has to appear in front of a court within 24 hours and can be detained. So I am staying here until that is sorted - I have already texted the police officer asking them to call me ASAP to get one done

He is also a giant coward and always plays the meek victim that is like this because of ADHD and childhood trauma. The second ANY kind of male or official anything, like the police, is involved he curls up and will literally cry if they approach him. He works best in the dark which is why he was so hot on exactly what I would speak to others about. He is a giant baby outside the house.

Half of what happened was my fault as I caved and let him back last time. Thats on me

No, his abuse really wasn't your fault. With hindsight, you know you shouldn't have returned to him. But his abusive behaviour remains 100% his fault. He owns that, not you.

I'm glad you seem to be seeing him more clearly for what he is. But please try not to obsess about him. I know that is easier said than done, after years of sustained and brutal abuse of every variety. However, your energy should be focused on your own recovery, as well as caring for your children and helping them process the trauma they've experienced. Step by step, one day (or hour or minute) at a time.

I am finding the not obsessing the hardest. Its everything. My friend has a hot tub and I immediately thought I need to tell ex that I went in it. Or today I walked a dog for the first time (long inside story) and i barely remember the walk as that is what I was thinking.

I know I am doing better than the last time as last time I was unable to eat for weeks and I did eat dinner last night and have had a few snacks today

I'm glad you're getting angry.

Abuse is never the victim's fault.

He messaged saying he knows I wanted space but is concerned he hasnt heard from me. He misses me and would love a chat tonight. I didnt reply

Please please block him op. I feel sick reading your threads. He is not only in your mind he has taken it over. I am so scared for you. He also does not have adhd, what he has is psychopathy or at very least sociopathy. I have adhd and would NEVER do or say the things he has. He plays cat and mouse with you for his own sick thrill. Please block him. Find this strength for your kids.

I agree with PPs that you need to block his number. Block him on everything. It's heartening to see you refer to him as your ex. I hope that is all he will be to you from now on, an ex-partner.

He misses you? What a joke. He misses having a convenient victim, that's all.

Stay strong. Don't let him worm his way back. He will do everything he can to manipulate you, so the best course of action is to have no contact at all. As above, delete, block, do whatever it takes to keep from obsessing about him.

Keep screenshots and file them somewhere safe, send them to your friend so she has evidence if you're not able to give it.

Hope you're hanging there @Forevertrappedhere . You are NOT trapped! You're doing well and you're strong despite what you may think!

Day 2
Struggling today. Massively. Keep re-listening to the recordings from after the incident to remind myself. Doing it out of logic but the feeling is that of I am doing the wrong thing. Im remembering the far and in between good times and the insane rush that comes with them. Also re-reading the WhatsApp and then ensuing abuse where I had to 'prove' I was in A and E.

The feeling is grief. That what it is. But you know with grief you would do anything to bring them back? I feel like im grieving, I could bring them back but im not 'allowed' to. I am not allowed becuase they are a monster. But I dont feel like they are a monster atm

Add to that - I know ive desperately had thoughts of 'remember this when you leave, this is what you must remember' when hes being abusive, which was daily. Times when I would have given everything I owned to get away. But now its like im down playing it in my head, minimising it.

The restraining order isnt to keep me safe. He is wont come near me aggressively now. Hes too scared. Instead its to stop the 'hoovering' texts, like from last night with the whole I miss you thing.

Do consider changing your main phone number. You could leave the other phone/SIM card with your friend so you still have evidence of him trying to contact you.

You can do this.