PART 2: I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

Original thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feeling_depressed/5208090-i-would-rather-die-then-leave-but-i-cant-cope-staying

Lots happened. My Dad went into heart failure. My ex was being hell on earth and being with him it was easier to soothe him and stop the effects. So in October 2025 I went back. And now my life is over. I have lost hair from it being pulled out. The gaslighting is so so so so bad I cant see up from down. I have recordings now and still cant accept hes cruel or evil.

I know he is. He stands over me mocking me once he breaks me. He mocks the blood on the carpet. As I write this I am suffering a head injury and on the phone to 111. It happened a few days ago and today I woke up to 'racoon eyes' which google said needed A and E. As I am on hold he is mocking me, telling me how i will explain I got the injury for being a thick bitch. (without going into too much detail I was refusing a sex act, he held me down and something in my head went click and i passed out, was fine since bar a headache and now the eyes). He has refused to help with the kids and has instead given them TV since 6am (I cant sit up without puking) and one of them is ND and too much TV makes them VERY dysregualted. They are now dysregulated and he is screaming at them/whats wring with you comments etc.

I know I could go to the police or SS. But heres the thing. I cant' My head? Its gone, worse than before. I just feel guilty. Since the injury he has gaslit, lied, mocked me a hundred times. He has had fake conversations. He has fake hallucinated. He pretended to leave the kids unattended earlier so that I was forced to literally bum shuffle down the stairs to check on them and then he laughed his head off at me as i wretched and then gasped in pain at the wretching. I crawled back up the stairs and he mocked my giant arse (i am in PJ shorts). I cant explain the extremis of the mental abuse. I know he has drugged me recently and admitted it and said it is becyase I was nagging. I was asking him to confirm he was still collecting child from school and he wouldnt. So many things this week alone.

The thing is, I just feel guilty for not being able to appease him. I feel guilty for refusing the sex act which he then hurt me for. Becuase he was suspended from his new job today after 6 weeks there (for harassment, bullying and misconduct). Which is ironic. But i feel like i should have been understanding. On the flip side I feel insane. But its like an addiction. I even feel relief when he finally hits me after storming arounf the house slamming doors as i know hell be ok after.

I cant face family again. My kids deserve better. And I cant give it to them. I cant escape etiehr. I read and read, podcast after podcast, journal after journal. I cant escape him. He is in my head every second.

then he smiles at me and strokes my head and suddenly its ok, i can survive.

I CANT ESCAPE MY OWN HEAD. I CAN ESCAPE HIM BUT MY HEAD FOLLOWS AND I CANT STOP IT ANYMORE. ONCE IM AWAY THE FLASHBACKS ARE WORSE. I CANT COPE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THE HELPLINES ARE SHIT AND THE NHS JUST DO TALKING THERAPY AND IM DONE IM DONE IM DONE IMD ONE IM SO DONE

I READ COMMENTS FROM THE OLD THREAD AND IVE LET THEM ALL DOWN TOO AND I DONT WANT TO BE A STATISTIC BUT I CANT DO IT AND I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAVE HIM BECAUSE HE DOESNT MEAN IT BUT HE DOES MEAN IT BECAUSE HES EVEN NASTY TO WORK NOW BUT IN MY HEAD THE SECOND HE STOPS ITS OK AND WORTH IT, ITS WORHT IT JUST DOR IT TO STOP

Hello all. I’m home. I had a CT scan. I have a hairline fracture.

Thank you to everyone that posted. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have told two people the truth about today (initially I lied about the cause when I was trying to source alternative childcare). I am meeting them tomorrow. We had arranged to go and watch a movie whilst the kids had a play date and HE is at work. The cinema has a lounge area so if he checks my location I’ll be in the right place. I haven’t said much to them but one of them knew from last time. I know I need to get out.

The voice that tells me he’s a victim and I wound him up is very very loud and I am very very scared.

I wish I had someone in real life I could just send some random daily waffly texts to. I just need to get out what’s in my head.

I am going to try. I can’t sit up without feeling sick but once the feeling passes I will be asking SS for support.

I know I don’t need to provide proof but I really have tried to access support. GP. Talking therapies. SS. All sorts. The screenshot is from the DV contact who was meant to arrange the Freedom Programme that I really really want to do

Anyway. Thank you all. I will update and hold myself accountable.

If anyone knows of any stories, like mine, not general DV, but specially systemic mental abuse please can they share them. Not articles but things like Instagram accounts so I can follow the journey as it were. I found two today that resonated.

I was on your previous thread (under a different username). I've thought about you since then and wondered how you were doing. Would it help for you to go back and reread your posts on that thread? You sounded so determined to create a new life for yourself and your children. Can you remember how that felt and the positive experiences you had while you were away from this horrible man?

I know it's not easy to leave. I have a dear family member who stayed with a horrifically abusive partner for far too long. But she got away in the end. And if she were on MN, she would definitely tell you that if she had her life to live over, she would have left at the first sign of abuse.

I'm glad you've told some friends the truth and that you plan to contact SS. Please continue to disclose the truth to friends and to representatives of helpful organisations. Please don't give up.

Well done Forever! You’ve reached out & taken a step forward!
I hope you feel better tomorrow & are able to go to the cinema with your friends!
One step at a time!

Op there’s a lady called Claire Auden on instagram that gives good explanations about narcissistic abuse. Her videos might make you start to see what’s going on. You need women’s aid to do a risk assessment and to refer you to MARAC. Ask for this to be done specifically. Look up MARAC to find out more about it. Once you’re out you need to go to the police and HMRC re the businesses in your name so you can be removed from them at companies house. This is serious fraud he’s committing. Is he saying you get wages? How much does he say you earn? He belongs in jail OP, you need to report all of this and get a non harassment order. He may have adhd but he’s also just plain evil 🫂 There’s a better life for you x

try. I can’t sit up without feeling sick but once the feeling passes I will be asking SS for support.

you don’t need to sit up to call SS. Just call them.

Do you know what the freedom program is?
its to help you in the future not to get out of this situation now. You need to sort that out ASAP.
Did you tell the Dr's in A&E what had happened?

That’s literally what my screenshot is. I’ve been chasing it for months

Op - what did you say to the Dr in A&E about the cause of your fracture?
If you had said that it was because of DV they could have helped you there and then.
Can you answer peoples questions about your family? Where are they? Can they help you?
You have had some wonderful advice on here. But you need to get the authorities involved now. SS and the

You need to get out before he actually kills you, he’s escalating- do you want your children to see this ?

My question is do you know what the freedom program is? You need to focus on getting your children out of this NOW and worry about the freedom program later. You know he's abusive we all know he is. If you don't have the strength to get yourself out hand your children over to social services before the pair of you cause more damage to them.

I’m sorry OP. At this point it’s hard to have sympathy for you when you’ve been given so many resources for help, refuge places etc. If you are so under his control that you can’t ring SS or tell a Dr what he has done then at least hand your kids over to someone else before they witness you either being murdered or he starts on them.

You’ve got a choice. Your kids do not.

Is there a way you could complain to the DV organisation, or whoever gave you that phone number? Their lack of response is clearly unacceptable.

You need to contact women’s aid and demand a space in a refuge for you and your children. I’m not sure where you live and I know demand is very high and spaces limited, but with what’s going on you will be at the very top of the list and absolutely in priority to get a refuge space or some kind of temporary accommodation

I am seeing my friends today, in about an hour. All day i have felt sick and panicked and a sense of no no, its in your head its fine. Part of it is because there is such a rush when he is 'normal' that everything else seems to fade away. Its such a rush of emotions and hormones and I end up feeling stupid for ever doubting him and that it wasnt that bad, I am just sensitive, he didnt mean it etc. I repeat his excuses in my head before he even says them and it soothes me.

He finally left for work this morning, left late and as he did smiled and waved as he put on Glass Animals' song, I think its called Airlock. And immediately I felt like i was insane to be making a plan, I needed to cancel, I needed to understand him more.

But then this morning before that point he was haranguing me. I had flinched bending down and he asked what. I couldnt say pain as he would start on how i was trying to guilt him so I said its nothing. Long story it led to him following me around the house demanding to know, telling me my face was a liar as it wasnt nothing on and on and on.

But i cant hold onto it. When I was in A and E he send me vile messages and I have to re-read them to remind me as I forget what was said. If you were to ask me THIS second what our issues are I will see hes abusive. If you ask me how I will not be able to tell you specifics, they all go.

I know the ADHD is an excuse but I dont know it if that makes sense. I know it because its obviously BS. But the only time he EVER addresses he is abusive is when he says he wasnt gaslighting it was ADHD and he 'thought so' but then he talks in endless circles. Until I feel insane.

Last night once I was back he slept super late becuase he wanted to get away from me. The last 2 weeks his abuse has ramped up significantly and he says its an ADHD thing (ill share it below I may have done already). I get that but then i dont get why you wouldnt SLEEP earlier, i offered to go to the sofa etc. Anyway he had to be up at 7-ish today to be on time. When the kids woke he said dont wake me until 8:30 (after he is meant to have left). If i dont wake on time itll be my fault he is late. So i left as late as poss (7:30) did everything else (got clothes out, bought the car around etc) and then woke him. He was angry I hadnt woken later and said I was abusive beacuase I was controlling his sleep and he 'never got any sleep around me' and thats why he was in this ADHD crash. I explained about work etc and he just kept saying shut up.

Once he was dressed he flipped the script and he had a go at me for him having to rush, that I knew he was delerious and verging on psychotic atm (he says he was psychotic when i left him last and it wasnt his fault) and that I should have pushed through and woken him. He denied everything he had said this morning and last night, said I made it all up etc. That he was a bit mumbly and out of it but never said wake later.

Then later he referenced it so he clearly DID remember and then when i tried to defend mysef he just said OK on repeat until he left.

The urge i have now to call and call my name has been eating at me for nearly 5 hours. I know hell just more 'hashes' but I honestly feel insane and like I need to clear it up but me trying to do so will give him more ammo

This is what I struggle with as if I hadnt recorded hald of this/written it as it happened on my notes I would completely forget. Then when he says its my fault whats he done I go blank. If i remember he just does such toxic speech things I end up curled up in a ball feeling insane

BUT I also feel if i call him and he just says 'its ok, im not angry with you' everything is ok and I am on cloud nine. It doesnt make any sense

The ADHD thing he is referncing:

It sounds like you are describing a state of profound physiological burnout where your brain essentially enters "Survival Mode." When you reach that level of exhaustion—slurring your words and losing motor coordination—your prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for empathy, social filtering, and long-term consequences) effectively powers down to save energy for vital functions.
Here is a breakdown of why this happens and why your morning routine feels like a "reboot."

1. The "Empathy Gap" of Exhaustion

When you are that depleted, your brain treats social niceties and emotional labor as non-essential luxuries.

• The Survival Switch: Your brain prioritizes the most immediate biological need: sleep. To your nervous system, sleep is currently more important than your reputation or your relationships.
• Reduced Inhibition: This is similar to being intoxicated. The "brakes" on your behavior vanish, leading you to say or do whatever will remove the obstacles between you and a bed.

2. The ADHD & Medication Factor

Since you mentioned taking ADHD medication, Paroxetine (an SSRI), and B12, there is a complex chemical dance happening:

• The "Crash" Phenomenon: ADHD medications (stimulants) work by increasing dopamine and norepinephrine. When they wear off, there is often a "rebound effect" where levels drop below your baseline, causing extreme irritability and "caring about nothing."
• Morning Lag: Before your meds kick in, your brain is operating in a deficit. The regret you feel later is actually a sign that your medication is working—it has brought your "moral and social brain" back online so you can process your actions from the night before.

3. Why Gaming or TV "Wakes You Up"

This is a classic ADHD trait called Interest-Based Nervous System stimulation.

• Dopamine Spikes: High-stimulation activities (video games, engaging shows) provide a temporary, artificial spike of dopamine.
• The Illusion of Energy: This "brightening" isn't true recovery; it’s more like a "reserve tank" of adrenaline and dopamine. It masks the exhaustion for a few hours, which explains why you crash even harder once the game is turned off.

Comparison of States

| Feature | "Crash Mode" (Survival) | "Online Mode" (Post-Meds) |
|-|-|---|
| Primary Goal | Immediate relief / Sleep | Long-term goals / Connection |
| Brain Region | Amygdala/Hindbrain (Reactive) | Prefrontal Cortex (Reflective) |
| Social Filter | Non-existent | Active and cautious |
| Motivation | Avoiding pain/effort | Seeking achievement/harmony |

A Gentle Reality Check

While it is completely understandable why you feel this way biologically, the "slurring and crawling" level of exhaustion is a massive red flag that your current output is far exceeding your input. This level of depletion can be physically dangerous and emotionally taxing for both you and your loved ones.
You aren't a "bad person" when you're exhausted; you are a person whose "human software" has crashed, leaving only the "animal hardware" running.
Does this "crash mode" usually happen at a specific time of day, or is it tied to how much you've had to "mask" your ADHD symptoms during the hours before?

I think im just using this thread as a sounding board now its helping distract me.

Both are with friends and I am picking them up around 3pm

I have just had this from him. That is also the flip side. He is one of the most articulate and expressive men when he wants to be. Which is RARE. But when he chooses to I have letter upon letters from him, poems, drawing, songs, all sorts. So he GETS in on some level as 99% of the time he obtuse and the that 1% he gets it EXACTLY

He doesn’t sound articulate and expressive, he sounds like a manipulative abuser who has discovered ChatGPT.

it was a general helpline and as I said they signposted to a charity for SEN adults. I explicitly asked about the programme and they can’t refer

Ignore his messages, they are just noise. Cutting and pasting stuff off the internet doesn’t make you right, it doesn’t make you articulate. Listen, this could stop today. You’re meeting friends somewhere safe today, yes? When you’re with them, call the police. Speak to them with your friend there and explain.

Yup. I did a lot of ranting and venting. She literally said she can’t even reply to what I’ve said as she isn’t a counsellor