Sad - depressed - guilty - suicidal - alone & blamed for everything

[EyeSwivel]

I keep trying to hold the threads of my family together. My thread was deleted. Like my abudivd husband, I was blamed for everything. My relationship is a textbook case of abuse, I have taken so muck and forgiven over and over again. I’m so confused, tired and overwhelmed. I wish I was dead

He’s messing with your mind to make you think that. That’s abusive.

I can see why everyone would say get rid of him but im
just not strong enough to live alone - I don’t care if I get treated like shit - I will put up with it

I think the previous thread concluded I was the problem!!

You do care about it (quite rightly) otherwise why post about it on MN?

@Cantlivelikethisanymoree I’m beginning to wonder.. was put firmly in my place and told I was the problem :/(

I think you got defensive and people reacted badly to that. You will get better support on the MH board so forget about your previous post and just engage with us nice people on here 😀

This is very true! No judgement on the MH board. Just hand holds and advice

I should have just sucked it up as I usually do - if I’m grey rick everything is fine / but I am human and do occasionally feel annoyed /upset - however as my previous thread reminded me, I am very bossy and controlling and my opinions feelings and wishes do not matter - be grateful your husband unblocked the toilet you dumb bitch

We are all guilty of misjudgement at times. Should have, would have, could have. Hindsight is marvelous isn't it. BUT your dh clearly isn't innocent in all this

But the abuse came before I had a chance to reply (be defensive?!) and when I did attempt to clarify I was ignored

there is nothing wrong with attempting to defend or explain us there?

Op where does the ex fit into all this?

OP there's tons of obtuse people on here who will want to say black if you say white. They seem to delight in 'proving' OP's to be wrong/liars/trolls.I didn't see your other thread so don't know what you said on there or what has happened with your relationship apart from that it seems he's very abusive.

Do you have any family you could lean on OP? Are you working? I really think you need to get away from this man and start rebuilding your life, you say you can't and you're not strong enough but of course you are - if you're strong enough to live through an abusive relationship then you're definitely strong enough to live alone. It's the words he's said to you that make you think you're not strong enough, it's not the reality.

I don't think you love him tbh, I think you're emotionally dependent on him and confusing that for love because they both involve intense feelings. Please consider contacting Woman's aid if you have no other way out and save yourself from the mess he's made of your life.

Do you think I misjudged the situation?

Be honest?

don’t worry — You won’t make me want to kill mysejf!

I already do so there’s nothing anyone can say or do to make me feel worse - god if people get so excited / worried about things like my previous thread what cosseted lives they must lead.. don’t they realise some people exist every day in utter misery (11/10 misery) so just a little or moderate misery (6/10) actually feels quite good

He’s living with his ex wife as a lodger

You said yourself that it wasn’t the situation that you reacted to, it was the fact that it was a pattern that plays out repeatedly in your relationship. That is unsustainable for a happy relationship.

So why didn’t the dumb fuckwits on the other thread understand that?

Do you believe its only as a lodger?

Think about people you see in day to day life from different walks of life. Then imagine them all coming together on a thread on MN where they can be anonymous too. You're always gonna get some fuckwits. Previous poster was right in the MH board is a safe place where people are understanding and empathetic

I have a massive problem with trauma in my past.

While I was separated from H during one of our bad patches - I was badly sexually assaulted - I was imprisoned, strangled and (orally) raped with my phone taken from me when I tried to call 999 - I managed to escape and called the police who asked if I had anyone to go to - I went to H who helped me. So while he may be emotionally abusive he has never strangled and raped me

the police were unable to charge due to lack of evidence

I still see my attacker from In the area time to time

i don’t like talking about it but perhaps might explain the attachment issue to H

@Helplessandheartbroke I would doubt she would take him back after 22 years - my gut is that it is not a sexual relationship

I feel the justice system has let me down as well as the MH system - the bastard that did that to me should be locked up but instead it’s my life that’s been destroyed

That’s irrelevant. Focus on getting support on this thread

It plays on my mind that people can be so judgemental and stops me getting rl support :(

Im so sorry you went through that and still have to see the scum bag! Is moving an option? Not that you should have to but may help heal if you can put the past completely behind you.

Dont set the bar too low with dh. Just because he hasn't raped you doesn't mean you settle if youre unhappy

I’m so sorry, that sounds like psychological torture OP.

It’s not great but in the plus side, life with H, his mental abuse & blocked toilets is a walk in the park in comparison