Sad - depressed - guilty - suicidal - alone & blamed for everything

[EyeSwivel]

I keep trying to hold the threads of my family together. My thread was deleted. Like my abudivd husband, I was blamed for everything. My relationship is a textbook case of abuse, I have taken so muck and forgiven over and over again. I’m so confused, tired and overwhelmed. I wish I was dead

One thing is for sure - I will take a backup copy next time if I ever post anything again 🙄

Op if youre discussing methods of suicide it is an emergency and you need to speak to someone urgently

Yeah I feel suicidal and hope the mole on my face is cancerous and I hope I will die. I have stopped any screening. Maybe when the law is changed I will be able to die legally

FWIW, it seems that your DH is messing with your mind by running back to his ex-wife. You need to let him go and make plans for separating as it seems like a very toxic dynamic between the two of you.

I am not discussing methods..

Sorry was just going off the other poster. I may have reas your first post was it regarding the toilet situation?

I know how you feel but that is going to take a while!
Can you look at what you can do to improve your life so you feel a bit more positive about the future?

That would be the logical thing. But I’m not thinking logically and don’t want to live alone.
as everyone made clear on my original thread, I’m obv the problem anyway and I should put up shut up and be grateful for him ignoring me as he was just “trying to help” before buggering off back to his ex wife. Nothing to see here folks - just a mad woman getting upset

I can wait, god knows I’ve waited 20 years already

Yes it was

You are not mad, whatever that means, you are just going through a really tough time.
Have you had any support with medication or therapy in the past?

Ok i only caught the first part and was going to come back to it so I got that hes lodging with his ex wife which I thought was very strange but you've spent Xmas and new year together and after a disagreement today hes not meeting you tomorrow. Do you think him and ex are platonic? Do you want to make things work with him?

Yes I have and it made things worse. Not going back there again. I am now off grid medically speaking.

That’s your choice but it seems like you are asking for support here so it might help to have someone to talk to IRL as well?

Yes I do, but I was trying to establish if I overreacted about him ignoring me.

People just got caught up with the red herring of the toilet situation and kind of missed the wider point about him ignoring me / gaslighting me and storming off every time I get upset. The toilet issue may have been trivial but I was trying to make the point that it was indicative of a wider pattern - and because I’ve been abused and gaslighted and called mad for so long (including on here by some) I no longer know what’s real

(I esp enjoyed them accusing me of being controlling when he has followed me and goes through my belongings and makes me account for any item he doesn’t recognise- and to cap it all off ignores my wishes and emotions - but hey - I’m the problem - I deserve every bit of abuse I get- according to the prev thread 👌 🙄)

I feel More able to open up here than in Rl

That’s good. There are lots of us here who want to help and have experience of our own MH struggles

I think I am scared of being mentally ill as H always name called and belittled me and laughed at me - ie he used it as an insult so I suppressed it for many years so I wouldn’t he alone as it was better to be with him that alone - as he was nice if I was good / did what he said I should

I am trying to suppress it now but the underlying deadness and wish not to exist is still there along with the massive exhaustion & struggle just to get up every day

I unfortunately feel really stigmatised on here as well - as if I’ll never be allowed to be a “normal person” and post on a “normal thread” again without “intervention” - I don’t want to be patronised by @KimMumsnet et al

So your husbands behaviour is contributing to your despair, or even completely responsible for it. You need to get rid of him permanently

Feel really really angry and pissed off about the whole waste of time with my earlier thread and the fact that mnhq are just ignoring me - pretty quick to jump to attention earlier now just refusing to engage - why was I not asked if I wanted my thread to be deleted?

No I love Him and can’t cope on my own

I think there is just something wrong with me, im
a lost cause which is why I should not be alive

Do you want to be with someone controlling or are you just stuck in a rutt after 20 years? Do you think it's platonic with ex?

Nope. This isn't true