Help with jealousy issues

[happydays2come]

Posting here for traffic. I need help with jealousy issues in my marriage. I am unhealthily jealous of women around my husband. I fear he fancies them, wants them or thinks they are better than me. I'm scared he will cheat on me. This stems from previous relationships. My husband has never cheated on me that I am aware and I know this line of thinking is not normal. It is not only destroying my marriage, but the way it makes me feel is really horrible and I don't want to live my life like this.

Has anyone overcome this insane paranoia, jealousy and I'm obsessive thinking and if so how?

I have already done therapy, which helped a little.

I guess if I'm feeling good it doesn't bother me as much. I try to internalize it. Sometimes question him or I go quiet sometimes moody. I don't want to feel this way.

I could have written your post.
Honestly, its really difficult. If you'd like to talk, please send a message.

I have the exact same problem. I also have regular therapy. I have different reasons for severe jealousy but I assume it feels the same. It really does make you feel awful doesn’t it. All I can say is persevere with therapy and try as much as you can to make sure you keep your relationship strong, use therapy sessions to vent and work through this rather than directing it at your dh.

I used to feel like this. And one chain of thoughts helped me put things into perspective.

Do I think my children are the most beautiful kids in the world? Yes.

Do I think other people's kids are cute (sometimes)?
yes

Do I think they are more beautiful than my own kids? No

Do I feel like I wanna hug and squish and kiss other peoples kids, as I do my own? No

I thought I was the only one it's horrible. How do I message? X

How do you deal with it?

@Hellogoodbyehowdoyoudo that's a great way to look at it. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

I messaged you x

Do you not trust him? Trust is one of the key things needed to make a marriage work. Do you think you could come to accept he might notice someone is attractive but know that he would never do anything? I would definitely carry on with therapy. I know you mention above you realise this could push him away which is the complete opposite of what you want.

Jealousy stems from feeling insecure and that stems from a low self-esteem. I agree with others, you need to go back into therapy and speak to your GP. My husband work in a mainly male dominated industry but he still works with women. It doesn't even cross my mind to wonder if they're pretty or if he'd fancy them. Just because we are in a relationship and/or married, doesn't stop us from finding other people attractive - that's perfectly normal and part of human nature. What wouldn't be acceptable is to find someone attractive, for them to feel the same, and act upon it. You are essentially saying that you don't trust your husband to not act, if an attractive woman showed an interest in him. Your husband hasn't given you the slightly sign that he's likely/intending/already has cheated. Yes, some men cheat (I bet many women on MN can tell you they've been cheated on, probably numerous times) but not all men are like this. It's hugely disrespectful to your husband to be placed in the same category as your ex partner(s) who have cheated and men in general who do. Please seek help. I had a boyfriend many years ago (who is model material, so gorgeous looking), yet he was jealous and insecure. It was awful, he'd accuse me of looking at other men/or other men for looking at me! He hated me going out without him. Didn't like me talking to other men (I worked in a male dominated industry at the same). In the end, I left him, it became unbearable. Don't let your issues, become so bad, your husband feels like I did.

I do trust him, but I'm paranoid. I can't explain it. Although logically I know he will find other people attractive, the thought disgusts me and makes me feel inferior, horrible and I then obsess over these thoughts. I'm struggling to articulate how I feel. And I'm aware it makes me sound loony.

Firstly, I'm sorry that you feel like this, it sounds horrible and I'm not surprised you want to change it. Full props to you though for seeing that you have a problem and want to change it - that's extremely important because it does mean that you can be helped.

It's not surprising that you have this fear due to previous experiences, you're in constant high alert as a self-defence. You need to learn to take control of your life again, gain confidence in yourself. You can do this through therapy, but also in everyday life. Think of all the things you're good at and what your talents are, congratulate yourself when you achieve them. Even if it's just a good meal that you cooked, acknowledge it and feel proud of yourself.

You really need to explore the abandonment fear with a good therapist. It's an awful thing to live with, and you deserve better. It will take time to learn new patterns of thinking, because at the moment the jealousy is a huge self-defence mechanism (which is actually hurting you) and you'll need to feel safe in order to start taking it down.

My husbands travels a lot and meets a lot of attractive, intelligent, funny women (weirdly it’s the last two that sometimes cause pangs of jealousy in me!)

99% of the time I don’t worry. But that one percent of the time I worry that other women would be more suited to my husband and that he will realise it one day. It’s not logical and he’s given me no reason to doubt him.

it comes from low confidence, particularly recently. And feeling inadequate in my own life. I’ve had to depend on him quite a lot this year because of health issues and it’s stemmed from that. Having agency, independence, confidence - these are things that I think, no matter how you look, will get rid of jealousy.

Hello! I wonder if you might have OCD? OCD that manifests as obsessive jealousy/ anxiety. Perhaps look it up. If that's the case, the right type of therapy and medication will help x

Yes, I have previously strongly believe I have OCD

If you know you do that then…don’t.

I don't know if I'm going to be way off the mark here, but you've mentioned here that you are good-looking (nothing wrong with that!), and you are most jealous of other good-looking women. I wonder if you have always seen your self worth as linked to how good-looking you are in relation to other women around you? Do you constantly compare yourself to others, or did you have a previous partner who would compare your looks to other women?

Op, I felt like this with a boyfriend once.

With hindsight he didn't make me feel like I was his one and only if that makes sense.

My husband may find other women attractive but I'd never know because he treats me like I am the only woman in the world.

I'm not saying he is doing it deliberately of course but what do you need from him to feel secure? Along with finding confidence and security independently?

Edited to add. It's not wrong to feel how you feel. But it's how you deal with those feelings that matter.

My ex husband cheated on me for 7 years. I’m now remarried and not for one second would I think dh would cheat. I think you might benefit from another therapist with a different approach?

On holiday one year we met a lady through friends and I instinctively knew my present dh would be attracted to her (he isn’t attracted to many women).. looks, personality, intellect etc. Did I like it? Not one bit!! Would I want him working with her? Probably not, but I’d like to think I’d be able to handle it.

@Muffsies strangely yes! If I see them and they are not attractive, I don't have any concern. I'm making myself ill

@SALaw that's the thing, I struggle to hold back and have almost a compulsion to get it out and make sure he knows how I'm feeling.

Does this affect your body image and how you feel about yourself? Do you feel you have to compete with the other women?

This will be the downfall of your relationship, not him cheating.

To an extent, yes. But I hate having to

Really!? I hadn't realised that 🤨