Help with jealousy issues

[happydays2come]

Posting here for traffic. I need help with jealousy issues in my marriage. I am unhealthily jealous of women around my husband. I fear he fancies them, wants them or thinks they are better than me. I'm scared he will cheat on me. This stems from previous relationships. My husband has never cheated on me that I am aware and I know this line of thinking is not normal. It is not only destroying my marriage, but the way it makes me feel is really horrible and I don't want to live my life like this.

Has anyone overcome this insane paranoia, jealousy and I'm obsessive thinking and if so how?

I have already done therapy, which helped a little.

And yes I had a baby 2 weeks ago

Stop being so dramatic. You can work on yourself alongside being married.

Ok, well that's probably something you should have mentioned. You need to speak to your health visitor or gp and get some support. If these overwhelming feelings are new they could well be linked to your hormones. You'd be mad to throw away a good husband and father two weeks past the birth. Get on some decent medication and focus on recovery.

Have a look into IFS therapy which I am finding useful to deal with some fear of rejection/ abandonment issues that have come to the surface recently.

I know this sounds a bit mental but try giving this jealous part of you a name and when you feel it coming to the surface almost have a conversation, kind of 'Oh look here comes jealous Julie, I wonder what she's got to say?' then 'listen' to what she has to say and say 'well thank you but no, I am not worried about this because I trust my husband and I know Julie is acting this way because xxx happened in the past. She is trying to protect me from feeling like I did then, but I can reassure her she doesn't need to because this is a different situation and I feel safe with my husband etc etc.'

Thankyou this is helpful. Hes just always so moody with me now and it's making things harder. I don't want to walk away but I don't know if its kinder to let him go and be happy with someone he will have a good life with

I didn't think it relevant. He did help a lot, but now its on me. I love him so much and this is killing me

You had a baby two weeks ago!!’

OP, this changes everything, you are in a post-partum haze.
Do not make any rash decisions here. It does sound like you may be experiencing pp depression or anxiety.

These aren't new thoughts or actions, although they feel heightened. I feel so overwhelmed and vulnerable. I'm trying to do everything I need to be doing, trying to look decent make up etc and trying to lose weight. I know he's fed up with me at this point. And I just dont know what to do. I'm crying all the time and he is sick of it. He's back at work and the more he pulls away the more I am in his face and it makes things worse. I want to turn this around and I'm scared I can't now. That it's too much

Reach out for help, I just saw your later post that you are 2 weeks postpartum... you are tired, your body has been through so much and your hormones are going crazy right now. Don't make any big decisions (like ending an otherwise functioning marriage) for at least a year.

Ask him to give you a hug and tell him you know it's very challenging right now and let him know you are struggling so you and the baby really need him to be strong, calm and kind. You know there's work to be done but you have to ride out this storm together first.

Im scared that he is at the end of his tether and now he's sick of me. Ive asked for hugs constantly and that pisses him off. He's fed up of my crying. I want so much to fix things and be what he deserves. Trying to do my make up and crying like a baby. I don't need or want sympathy I just want to be normal.
I'm still recovering from a c section. I didn't think having a baby should make a difference to the replies. Maybe I will show him this thread

We have been to the gp. I hope it's not too late so sort my marriage and family

Ok this is difficult, as clearly 2 weeks post partum impacts hormones, but you also say you have been like this for 10 years so it’s not a new thing,

No it's not new. But it feels worse. I'm scared ive lost my husband and the family for my baby

Op I have no words of wisdom but I was going to post to say well done to you for recognising this is your issue and you are owning it. So many problems start with the person with the issue thinking the problem lies with the partner, so at least you are self aware enough to recognise this.

Then I read you are 2 weeks post partum. It does change things, as you say you are so much more vulnerable and no doubt emotional. If possible I would avoid any type of analysis about your relationship for about a year. It's all about the baby now, that's your priority for a while.

I also think you need to separate thoughts from actions. Maybe you can't stop crying but you can stop asking for hugs or asking for reassurance. When you feel the urge please just stop, say nothing. He doesn't deserve the constant badgering and suspicion. Hopefully in time the obsessive thoughts will ease.

Can i ask how old you are?

Also, you have mentioned that you have not long had a baby. Could it be possible you have post natal depression?

And perhaps that's causing you to catastrophize things?

Like maybe you have these thoughts, but normally you can rationalise them, but at the moment whilst your hormones are all over the place, it feels a bit out of control?

I'm 38. I have always catastropized. I just feel so vulnerable right now. I need to stop or I will lose him. Thats If he's not already decided it's over and is just sticking around briefly for the baby. He done so much when I got home from the hospital. But now being back to work I'm obviously having to do most stuff and I feel like I'm drowning. And then I push because he is pissed off with me and it makes things worse. I just want to enjoy my baby and have my husband

Okay.

Firstly, I can categorically tell you that he is highly unlikely to be looking elsewhere whilst he has a newborn at home. He's probably exhausted!

But regardless, I think the only way you can overcome this is with some solo or marriage counselling.

I really hope that once your hormones settle down, you can rationalise a bit easier. I do feel for you. I really do. It's an awful way to feel and it isn't something you can just snap out of instantly.

I have. What helped me was building my own self-esteem, part of that was moving to a new job with career progression and making an effort to recognise my own strengths. I also changed my thought patterns by telling myself every time a jealous thought came that I am the one my DH chose and that jealousy will destroy us rather than protect our relationship.

That is what he keeps telling me, he married me and had a child with me. I don't feel food enough to be honest and don't see what I bring to the table. I literally bring nothing

Hey, having a baby can mean huge flare ups of postpartum OCD, particularly if you've had it before. So, please do the following - I really recommend you stop engaging in this thread because you're going down much deeper into the obsessive rabbit hole, with lots of people commenting in good faith but they may not understand the illness.

Please make an appointment with your GP and see if they might put you on an SSRI. Please visit the maternal OCD website - OCD has different 'themes' but it's all the same - obsessions and compulsions. Read about OCD. The key thing with OCD.... unbelievably...is to ignore it. That's what breaks the cycle. Ignore your thoughts, don't respond, don't engage. Focus on things you enjoy. I promise that the thoughts and feelings naturally fade away over time, and they don't seem to matter as much. But at the moment you're caught in a cycle and it's awful. I needed medication to help me, but I promise it works. You don't need to live like this xxx

I'm sure you bring lots. Stop worrying about looking good. If your DH is a decent man he won't care what you look like 2 weeks postpartum. A decent man would be filled with love by seeing his wife caring for his baby and not even notice what she looks like.
I still have jealous thoughts pop up now and again but after learning to keep them to my self and remind myself that they are irrational and unhelpful, the thoughts now pass quickly.

So when you started ignoring it they stopped being so frequent?

It’s impossible not to notice when someone else is attractive.

Noticing that someone is attractive doesn’t mean you’re going to obsess over them, or compare them to your partner, or attempt to shag them.

If you have a partner who is ogling attractive women, or flirting with them, or making sexual advances to them, or asking you why you can’t dress or look like so-and-so, that’s a different thing.

What does a good wife do? He says he is going to outgrow me. So what makes a good wife?

What sort of therapy did you do OP? CBT or ACT might help you cope with repetitive unhelpful thinking.