Help with jealousy issues

[happydays2come]

Posting here for traffic. I need help with jealousy issues in my marriage. I am unhealthily jealous of women around my husband. I fear he fancies them, wants them or thinks they are better than me. I'm scared he will cheat on me. This stems from previous relationships. My husband has never cheated on me that I am aware and I know this line of thinking is not normal. It is not only destroying my marriage, but the way it makes me feel is really horrible and I don't want to live my life like this.

Has anyone overcome this insane paranoia, jealousy and I'm obsessive thinking and if so how?

I have already done therapy, which helped a little.

How do I change my mindset and hold it in?

Well… therapy. And in the meantime, recognising that the way you’re behaving is likely to lead to the one outcome you’re fearing, which is losing him.

Have you been honest with your partner and explained how you feel? Tell him you don't want to stop him socialising, but you need to find a way to feel more secure and confident in yourself.

Would it be helpful if you agreed a sort of sign language between you when you're out together in situations where he's interacting with other women. You could signal to him when you're feeling vulnerable, and he could have a special signal back to you that means "i love you". Do you think that might help?

I guess the jealousy stems from the need to control a circumstance that is entirely out of your control (you fear your partner will leave you). You know it’s not rational but the feeling is triggering your control mechanisms (questioning, moodiness). Therapy will teach you coping mechanisms but in the here and now, it’s important for you to be kind to yourself. You’ve acknowledged there’s a problem. That’s a pretty big deal.

How would you deal with it in the short term?

Hes getting sick of it to be honest. I need to deal with it and fast

I think you need to realise that women (and men) are more than just bodies and pretty faces. There’s a whole host of reasons why your fella is with you and these other women may be attractive but they’re not you. He may love your sense of humour, how kind you are, the specific features you have etc - none of which are the same with someone else.

When you see an attractive woman, try and not focus on that and think this is the most important thing in any man’s eyes. They’re not as shallow as stereotypes would make you think (for most good men). Even if your husband found you insanely attractive when you met, he’d still love you if you didn’t look identical in future or if you had an accident and was disfigured in some way because love is not the same as just lust. Give your DH some credit for loving you as a whole person and no amount of pretty women changes that.

If you’re honest with yourself, you must see attractive men but as quick as you notice them, it is gone. You don’t dream of running off with this person or compare them to your DH and wish he had more hair, musclier arms or a few extra inches in height. That strangers attractive looks do not change your DH also being very attractive, but he has the added bonus of being the person you love as well and want to spend your life wife. Men feel the same way.

I’ve spoke to my DH about this and male friends who say that just like women, most men just want to find one good woman to spend their life with, to have their person to grow old with. If you make each other happy, they wouldn’t trade that for a pretty face. What changes that is when relationships aren’t happy and nagging him or giving the silent treatment will not make him feel good.

I know it’s easier said than done but try to work on you and remind yourself of this when you next feel this way. Don’t allow yourself to say stuff to him or to go quiet and have him feel guilty. Work on making yourself feel good, have a pamper, get plenty of fresh air to clear your head or listen to music (my favourite) and spend some quality time with your DH to strengthen your bond and remind both of you of what you love about each other.

Hope that helps.

@happydays2come I guess in the first instance, you’ve got to learn that these thoughts you’re having (the jealousy) aren’t important/real. The more unpleasant the thought, though, the more plausible it can seem (that’s your self-esteem kicking you in the nads).

One trick is to do something called attention training technique, which is to focus on one noise (say, a clock), and then shift your attention to another noise (the dog breathing, the traffic outside). Notice how one sound gets louder the more attention you give it. Do that for a few minutes until the other intrusive thoughts have a chance to subside. It’s teaching you that thoughts only make noise the more attention you pay to them - but it’s not about getting rid of the sound entirely.

Edited to add: in the meantime, work on that self-esteem. People cheating on you in the past isn’t a reflection of who you are, it’s a reflection of who they are. Do something that makes you feel good for the next few weeks until you’re back in therapy.

So what does it mean when he likes a hot girls selfie on social media?

@happydays2come it means very little. Just that he likes a picture. My DH had a full 12 month calendar of Nadia from Strictly (clothed but still). I’m not a dancer with legs up to my armpits and lovely blonde hair. But him looking at her pictures does not mean he’s going to run off with her or someone that looks like her. I’ve just shouted and asked if she joined his company, if he’d leave me for her and he said “there’s only one woman for me” (and he pointed at me). I mean, she’s probably not wanting to date my DH either but a pretty face/nice figure does not trump what we have, all the memories we’ve made together and how happy we make each other.

Keep it in perspective and probably lay off social media (if you use it) as that is designed to make you feel crap about yourself.

It's women's pictures that he has told me tried to get with him before me!

Only you know him and whether he’s trustworthy. If he makes you feel insecure and you don’t think he can be trusted, end it. Life is too short. My comments are about decent men that (other than glancing at an attractive woman) have done nothing to warrant the silent treatment or being moaned at. If this isn’t irrational and he’s making you feel crap by flirting or constantly gawping at women, this is different. Your original post didn’t suggest this though.

Ok well you’re painting a different picture now.

Hey OP. I would highly recommend understanding more about OCD and perhaps going to the GP. This kind of thing will only feed it/ make it worse (i.e. asking people for reassurance). I really recommend the book Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or breakthrough from OCD. If you can afford private therapy I can give you the details of someone who really helped me overcome this horrible mental disorder. I could tell because it sounds like you don't have much control over it and you hate the thoughts - this is very typical. I was very unwell with it but I'm recovered now - it will get better I promise xx

I really don’t give a shit if my partner works with attractive women. If I thought my partner was going to cheat, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with him.

I also don’t care if he looks at other women, really. Obviously if he was making a point of gawping at them in front of me or making comments, I’d consider that disrespectful, but if we’re walking down the street and an incredibly attractive woman walks past or is walking in front of us, I don’t think “Is he looking at her?” or worry about it. I also don’t care if his eye is caught by a sexy video online - I think it’s pretty normal for human beings to enjoy looking at other human beings they find attractive. I’d look at a hot bloke if they appeared in my Instagram recommended content feed.

That’s quite the drip feed.

He doesn't do that though. With regards to social media it was before I was with him.

In that case, I wouldn’t pay any attention to it. You can’t judge someone on something trivial when it didn’t even happen when you were together. If he’s a good partner and reassures you when you’ve felt insecure, I wouldn’t try to work on yourself.

Ultimately, if someone wanted to cheat, they could do that at any time and being in an unhappy relationship wouldn’t help with that. Most people aren’t like this though and value a good partner / good relationship.

Yes that is me. I need constant reassurance

Are you saying you’re getting jealous over images he liked on social media before you were together? So, if you got together in (eg) 2024, you’re stressing over pictures he liked in (eg) 2023?

If so, it’s not normal to obsess over that.

You seem kind of desperate for people to tell you your jealousy is normal and justified, but it doesn’t sound like it is, and repeatedly positing all these different scenarios for other people to adjudicate on is also quite obsessive behaviour. In any case, even if someone comes on this thread and says “I’m the same, I can’t handle my partner even looking in another woman’s direction” that still wouldn’t mean it was normal. It would just mean that some other women might have the same obsessive disorder as you do. You need more professional support, I think - you’re really struggling and this is obviously having quite an impact on your life, and I assume also your partner’s life.

You need to hold yourself accountable for the way you treat him. The way we act and respond is the sum of us and you need to decide who you want to be in this relationship and act accordingly. Once you've made an active decision about how you want to behave then you need to mirror that in your actions. Challenge your thoughts where they're in conflict with this. It's hard at first but the more you hold yourself to your chosen standards the easier it is.

No, I am not seeking validation for my feelings or actions

Have you always felt this way, or is it something triggered in you recently? How long have you felt like this? Did you obsess over things when you were young or have intrusive thoughts and need reassurance?

The last ten years or so

“Nice looking female”
Jesus Christ. I’ve been with my partner for years and work in a male dominated field. If he had an issue with me being away for work with colleagues I couldn’t do my job. Likewise he shares a hobby with female friends I have no interest in and I’m glad he’s got people to enjoy it with. I trust him explicitly. If he broke that trust, then that would be between me and him, not between me and the rest of the world of people uninvolved.