Help with jealousy issues

[happydays2come]

Posting here for traffic. I need help with jealousy issues in my marriage. I am unhealthily jealous of women around my husband. I fear he fancies them, wants them or thinks they are better than me. I'm scared he will cheat on me. This stems from previous relationships. My husband has never cheated on me that I am aware and I know this line of thinking is not normal. It is not only destroying my marriage, but the way it makes me feel is really horrible and I don't want to live my life like this.

Has anyone overcome this insane paranoia, jealousy and I'm obsessive thinking and if so how?

I have already done therapy, which helped a little.

That's not something a good husband would say. You've just given birth and are clearly overwhelmed and sore. Please reach out to you post natal team. They'll prioritise you for treatment as you're a new mum. Tell them how you're feeling and let them support you.

I think the impression you’re giving of your husband now is very different to the one at the start of the thread. Initially it appeared he had done nothing wrong and you were jealous of him simply being around attractive women. Now it seems he’s liking pictures of attractive women that he has history with, pulling away from you and telling you he’s going to outgrow you when you’re 2 weeks postpartum, which puts a different slant on things.

He wants somewhere calm and peaceful. No nagging. Me not asking If he loves me and am I a good mum. I don't know what a good wife is supposed to do? Hes sick of me crying all the time

Sorry you feel this way OP. You've just had a baby, it's normal to feel vulnerable. Your dh has seen you give birth and our post partum bodies aren't ever perfect. But you have done something amazing for your dh in giving him a child. I bet he is amazed at you. Saying that, a man gets the baby handed on a plate, unfairly (imo) nothing major changes for them. His body hasn't just gone through surgery like yours. Give yourself time to heal. And don't worry about being a good wife right now , concentrate on your baby. Your dh should be the one supporting you. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy, I hope you can learn to love yourself and enjoy your new baby bubble 🥰

What does he mean by outgrowing you?

Just make sure your jealousy issue isn't actually a case of you having an arsehole for a husband issue.

Either way though, please speak to someone for support. It's really important and you need extra support after just having a baby.

I don't know. I guess me not bringing anything to the table. Being a nag and jealous and him being more mature than me. I'm not evolving like him. I dont know what that means or how to change that.

What is a good wife

I think you need to read that comment a few times, then follow the advice.

This thread clearly isn’t good for you. You’re not listening or engaging with anything, you seem to just want to obsess and beat yourself up.

You just had a baby two weeks ago and what you’re feeling right now is probably overwhelming. There’s nothing anyone here can do to help you. Please seek professional support. Do it now.

Could everyone report this thread, please? I’m now genuinely worried about OP’s mental wellbeing and I think MNHQ ought to look at this thread.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health Resources
Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.
We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

I'm fine thanks

I have listened and engaged with almost every comment, so unsure what you mean

Cbt

OK, OP, so more CBT sounds like it is needed. It is exhausting to be around someone who is asking for reassurance all the time and it can become a deal breaker in relationships.

I would also ask the GP or your health visitor about the peri-natal MH team in your area - that may be a way into MH support.

Although you mention past experiences, I think you also sound like you have always had anxiety which is higher than average. A lot of what we naturally do to manage anxiety (over thinking, asking for reassurance, changing behaviours) actually makes it worse if we have disordered anxiety.

It can be helpful to start naming your thoughts as OCD, recognizing that not all of our thoughts are based on what is actually happening around us but can be a reaction to habit or past events. Once you have named what is happening as OCD thoughts, address them directly and tell them they are not helping you right now, then find something to focus your attention on. Look up grounding, mindfulness or soothing skills. Cwm Taf trauma stablization pack is a good place to look for these. Although worry and rumination are a little difference, they are all about over valued ideas (like, we have a random thought and obsessively focus on it) so this may also be helpful.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Worry-and-Rumination

Good luck.

@Hotflushesandchilblains this is really helpful. Yes I also find my self obsessing about random things (which doesn't cause me any issues in my life). So that all makes sense

Some of these ideas seem to be helping. My husband on the other hand is done with me. I appreciate all the advice given on this thread and will be speaking to HV and GP

So it's not all me. Just tried to explain how I'm feeling to be told "fuck off fucking crank"

Oh I am sorry @happydays2come - being in a relationship with someone who would talk to you like that is certainly not going to help either. Take care.

Thanks all. This thread has been enlightening