Help with jealousy issues

[happydays2come]

Posting here for traffic. I need help with jealousy issues in my marriage. I am unhealthily jealous of women around my husband. I fear he fancies them, wants them or thinks they are better than me. I'm scared he will cheat on me. This stems from previous relationships. My husband has never cheated on me that I am aware and I know this line of thinking is not normal. It is not only destroying my marriage, but the way it makes me feel is really horrible and I don't want to live my life like this.

Has anyone overcome this insane paranoia, jealousy and I'm obsessive thinking and if so how?

I have already done therapy, which helped a little.

Any advice is welcomed

I think possibly seek more therapy, as I’m not sure what else can be done. Possibly also speak to your gp, to see if you’ve underlying mental health illnesses, like depression, anxiety etc,

I will speak to gp. Was hoping there might be some self help methods or something which I could try to alleviate the constant unease and help shift my mind set.

Would anyone else feel jealous or worried at their partner working for a nice looking female? What would a normal person think/feel.

Have you worked out through therapy why you feel like this?

Maybe address why you feel so insecure? What are you unhappy about, is it your weight, your behaviour, what part of you do you think may drive your husband to look elsewhere, that he will think other women are better than you?

Well, would it help to think that, for a sexual relationship to take place, regardless of whether it’s extramarital or not two people need to fancy one another to take things forward? You seem very focused on your husband fancying other women for some reason— but why would you assume they’d be equally into him? Do you think he’s really so attractive that other women would give their right hand to sleep with him?

I honestly don't know. I hate him speaking to any females that are pretty. Not in a big headed way but I'm a relatively good looking female. I hate the thought of him fancying them

Ive actually not thought about that to be honest. I find him attractive. I guess a part of it is the thought of him having desires for another woman hurts me. But I don't obviously know his thoughts, so it's me making something up which may not even be true

Previous experiences

Well I mean no one knows anyone else’s thoughts, and of course he will find other women attractive, we all find other people attractive, no one dies from the waist down when they marry. The issue is will they act on it, you don’t seem to think so that’s not your issue, your issue is if he even thinks it.

I think therapy and your gp, as that’s really unhealthy, controlling, paranoid, anxious etc, and if he knows it will ultimately end your marriage. No can live like that,

I accept the fact he may find other women attractive but trust him to not do anything that would hurt me. You'll drive yourself mad with your approach. I'd ask myself why I didn't trust him in your shoes. Is it a reflection of how you feel about attractive men you meet? Do you trust yourself? If you do then trust that you've made a good choice in your partner too.

@TheRealGoose I guess I worry he will act on it even though he has given me no reason to think this. I want to try and change my mindset and Fe more secure in myself. I dont want to lose him. Even female friends I struggle to deal with.

Well he no doubt will find other women attractive. That doesn’t stop when you’re in a relationship. I’ve been happily married for 16 years and I find other men attractive.
The issue is whether he acts on it. If he doesn’t because he’s committed to you then great. If he does, then he’s not the sort of person you want to be in a relationship with anyway and you’ll have had a lucky escape.
That’s how I view it anyway!

You need to work on your self-esteem and self worth. Jealousy stems from fear of abandonment because you don't feel worthy, and low self-esteem makes you perceive normal situations as threats.

Yes, I trust myself and would never cheat on him. This thinking is hurting me.

@Muffsiesdo you have any advice on how to improve self worth etc? And yes I have a fear of abandonment.

You’re very married to the term ‘female’. Women. They’re women. You’re a woman.

You need to stop judging him by your past relationships, it's not fair on him. What do you say/do if you see him talking to an attractive woman?

You need therapy end of. Nothing else will fix this.

Then you need to challenge yourself more firmly and make the decision to trust him. A lack of trust and questioning him is far more likely to drive him away than someone else being easy on the eye. Assume he will match your loyalty and make that your new mantra. I'd much rather enjoy my short time on the planet than allow myself to be eaten up by suspicions. If dh cheats I'll deal with it then. Constant questioning and surveillance will only make a cheat sneakier. It won't stop them!

And there’s nothing anyone can tell you here that will be better than going back to therapy.

To answer your question, no, I don’t think most people live their lives in fear of their husband speaking to an attractive woman or (shock, horror) fancying one. I certainly don’t.

How does your jealousy manifest itself? Can’t help feeling a bit sorry for the poor bloke who has done nothing wrong and given no indication that he’s going to. I wouldn’t put up with that from my DH, I’d leave.

I wouldn’t feel anything negative at all, never have. I don’t have any trust issues though, so it’s not comparable. Also, I’m not scared to lose him, which I think helps! I was quite happy being single, and in my view no amount of stressing or stalking your partner is going to stop them from cheating if that’s what they intend to do. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I felt like I was having to constantly prevent someone from cheating. Too time consuming 😂

Thank you to those who have given advice. I will be returning to therapy. But I need to try and change my mindset NOW. I realise this will push him away and I am trying to keep it internalised but advice on helping me feel better and not driving myself crazy was the reason I posted.