Why do I get so angry when people ask me to repeat myself?

[TheMadQuietOne]

People tell me that I’m soft-spoken, and I think that’s a result of a) childhood social anxiety, b) previous issues with my vocal cords, and c) my step dad used to intentionally make me angry by being unfair or intentionally misinterpreting what I was saying to get me to raise my voice, and then punish me for it. There’s also the fact that men tend to associate quietness with femininity and tend to find quieter women more attractive, (unfortunate, I know) and I used to heavily take advantage of that.

But now… people ask me to repeat myself or speak up. So. Fucking. Often! It’s driving me nuts, and I’m starting to be filled with rage when it happens, especially if they interrupt me midway through speaking to say they can’t hear me. My 4 year old DD regularly asks me to repeat myself multiple times (and maybe she has difficulty with auditory processing, as she has trouble following directions as well, idk… I suspect sometimes she does it on purpose, at this point) and I’m starting to end up screaming at her. I know that’s not fair to her or right to do.

I don’t know if it’s the physical effort/discomfort I experience or the frustration with having to repeat myself or the association of being angry with getting louder, but I literally cannot speak louder without sounding angry as well. Like the other day I’m the airport, DH asked me a question about our gameplan for seating arrangements, and interrupted me mid-answer to say he couldn’t hear me. So I made myself louder and apparently sounded angry, so he interrupted me again to ask why I was being snarky with him, and then I started literally shouting (such that most people at the gate went quiet) that we’ve been over this, that I can’t raise my voice without sounding angry. (Which he then proceeded to say “okay, well I’m not listening at all then,” and I retorted, “Okay, we’ll then go away and stop bothering me about the fucking seating arrangement.”)

I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m really struggling with this.

But repeating yourself clearly does make you angry, OP. So maybe that is coming across?

And as for screaming at you little girl... this is a you problem, OP. Have you tried voice training? That could help a lot.

Kindly, if this is happening a lot what would you prefer people do? If they can’t hear what you are saying, then surely you’d prefer them to say so rather than continue having not heard you? I have a mumbler in my family and it’s just as frustrating to have keep telling them I can’t hear them. How do you think this can be fixed?

I think voice training (learning to project your voice more strongly) is a good idea OP, what protected you when you were young and vulnerable is causing problems for you now.

Almost certainly your reaction is an automatic response to the bullying by your stepfather.

Is your hearing good? I have mild hearing loss in one ear and I speak too softly often.

Yes, I’m sure it does come across in my voice that I’m angry when I try to speak up. I’m sure trying to enunciate better to make it more clear doesn’t help, either; it probably sounds very pointed… How would I go about getting voice training?

I have a friend who is soft spoken and mumbles and it drives me insane! I basically have to try to lip read to get what she is saying.

OP, talk at a normal volume. Louder in a crowded place. Problem solved.

Sorry, I don't know, but I know that people like actors get it. Sort of like elocution, but not. It might really help you project without sounding angry.

I can see both sides here, my dad tends to speak really quietly or kind of tail off quieter and quieter as he’s speaking so I often have to interrupt him to ask him to speak up, it’s pointless sitting looking at someone who’s trying to communicate but you simply can’t hear them.

Even if in my situation I waited, I’d still have to ask him to say it all again anyway.

This might sound odd but have you had your own hearing checked? I think with my dad his hearing is getting worse so he’s struggling to regulate what level he speaks at.

Or if you consciously know you’re in the habit of speaking softy sorry but if you spoke up people wouldn’t ask you to repeat yourself & you wouldn’t get irritated… what would you rather, people just ignored what you’re trying to communicate?

The only practical solution I can suggest is voice exercises. You could also work on reframing the responses, for example your 4 year old asking you to repeat, because screaming at her is not acceptable. What help have you sought for these issues?

Oh wow you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Could you get some speech therapy? Or a voice coach? Because it sounds as if your normal volume and how that feels in your body is out of whack with those around you. And maybe you overcorrect? So your body needs to learn a new normal iyswim.

Can you carry a tune? Singing lessons can really help with projection without sounding harsh. I don’t know if that might cause more problems with your vocal cords though.

I can’t seem to remember to start out at a reasonable volume, and it requires a lot of effort to sustain that volume, such that I end up speaking quietly a few minutes later and feeling like I’m about to have a sore throat… I went for a medical evaluation for this issue many years ago after my boss tried to soft-fire me from my hostess position in a noisy restaurant because a couple guests complained that I was too quiet, and the doctor said that my vocal cords look normal to him, but that I do have a nasal septum deviation, which might contribute.

(I ended up getting a microphone that clipped to my shirt and a speaker that hooked to my belt loop to amplify my voice, and then customers looked confused when my voice came out of my waist instead of my mouth. But they could hear me, at least… Nevermind that guests also complained that they couldn’t hear each other over the loud music in the restaurant and management never decided to turn it down a bit.)

If you’re being asked to speak up a lot then people are having genuine difficulty understanding you and don’t deserve an angry reaction for wanting to hear what you have to say.

This is entirely on you to manage. I do t know much about voice training but my go to would either be ChatGPT, a simple google, or YouTube videos about how to speak more confidently. There must be good advice out there for this if you look for it.

The thing is, OP, whatever method you choose, you will have to practise it. And it won't feel natural at first.

But if everyone around you, including your own daughter, keeps asking you to repeat things, then getting angry at them is not a healthy reaction.

Voice training/vocal therapy for the actual issue and counselling/therapy to deal with the underlying issue of the childhood abuse.

I'm afraid I think it's a you problem. It's very frustrating when you are with someone who you cannot hear because they can't/won't speak at a reasonable volume.

There is a happy medium between speaking virtually inaudibly and shouting in a way that sounds angry. You have to strike that medium yourself if you don't want them to ask you to repeat yourself. Otherwise, they might well start to ignore you because it is too much effort, and I doubt you would like that. I'm not saying that that's what they should do, but it might become reality.

Oh a a little tip, imagine you are speaking to someone 10m away. Be loud enough to be heard without shouting.

I don't think it's always about volume, it's also about where you pause and where you breathe and body language.

If you want someone to hear you, are you facing them when you speak? Have you signalled that it is important information that you are about to convey? Do you use your hands as well?

Re the rage that definitely connected to your past.

By making yourself small, you are expecting other people to pick this up for you, and getting angry when they don't. If you are clearly understood, you will feel more respected, so the onus is on you to learn to make yourself more clearly understood.

Can you try lowering your voice slightly? And try and speak from your diaphragm - almost as though you sing it. But again you’d have to practise.

For me, it’s like I have two ranges: one that’s kind of high and comes more from my head, and one that’s exceptionally low for a woman, and tends to sound very guttural. I notice it not only when I’m speaking, but also when I’m singing— I just can’t hit the middle notes, or smoothly transition from low to high notes without switching from diaphragm voice to head voice… I hate listening to recordings of my voice because of this

Try the voice coaches on YouTube for information and see if you think something like that would help.

Speech therapy might help? Maybe your GP could refer you?

it requires a lot of effort to sustain that volume, such that I end up speaking quietly a few minutes later

This is what my dad does! He starts off at a normal volume and kind of drifts off into a whisper/mumble by the end of what he’s saying, so I constantly have to interrupt midway and ask him to speak up.

Definitely look for a local voice coach / singing coach who may also do vocal training