Why do I get so angry when people ask me to repeat myself?

[TheMadQuietOne]

People tell me that I’m soft-spoken, and I think that’s a result of a) childhood social anxiety, b) previous issues with my vocal cords, and c) my step dad used to intentionally make me angry by being unfair or intentionally misinterpreting what I was saying to get me to raise my voice, and then punish me for it. There’s also the fact that men tend to associate quietness with femininity and tend to find quieter women more attractive, (unfortunate, I know) and I used to heavily take advantage of that.

But now… people ask me to repeat myself or speak up. So. Fucking. Often! It’s driving me nuts, and I’m starting to be filled with rage when it happens, especially if they interrupt me midway through speaking to say they can’t hear me. My 4 year old DD regularly asks me to repeat myself multiple times (and maybe she has difficulty with auditory processing, as she has trouble following directions as well, idk… I suspect sometimes she does it on purpose, at this point) and I’m starting to end up screaming at her. I know that’s not fair to her or right to do.

I don’t know if it’s the physical effort/discomfort I experience or the frustration with having to repeat myself or the association of being angry with getting louder, but I literally cannot speak louder without sounding angry as well. Like the other day I’m the airport, DH asked me a question about our gameplan for seating arrangements, and interrupted me mid-answer to say he couldn’t hear me. So I made myself louder and apparently sounded angry, so he interrupted me again to ask why I was being snarky with him, and then I started literally shouting (such that most people at the gate went quiet) that we’ve been over this, that I can’t raise my voice without sounding angry. (Which he then proceeded to say “okay, well I’m not listening at all then,” and I retorted, “Okay, we’ll then go away and stop bothering me about the fucking seating arrangement.”)

I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m really struggling with this.

A 4 year old’s job is to test boundaries. Your job as a parent is not to react to it.

If you really think a 4yo is trying to “trigger” you then I suggest some very intensive psychotherapy as it’s really not a normal thinking pattern and quite unhealthy for your relationship with her.

I keep getting spammed with voice coaching apps so perhaps you can try one of those. I personally won’t stand closer to a quiet person to try to understand them for reasons of personal space. If you can’t make yourself heard, in the absence of of disability, it’s on you to speak up.

You think that your four year old DD is "a massive twat" because she, like everyone else, has difficulty hearing you and says so!!?? So you scream at her!!

What?? Why?? Poor little girl! You need to get a grip of yourself here. Seriously.

Get therapy, including speech therapy.

If no one can hear you, what’s the alternative? Just go through life feeling misunderstood? That’s a miserable prison to put yourself in.

With my partner, I just start guessing what he said or pretending I heard him.

I smile and nod if I don't hear him. He started picking up on up on it. I'm sick of asking him to speak up.

If he wants to sit around muttering, he can. I mean, it's fine when we're alone. When we're at home together, it's genuinely fine.I don't tend to have an issue hearing what he says.

But when we are outside on a date or somewhere together or in a restaurant, I do have a problem picking his voice out of background noise because of his mumbling.

It's just so remarkable to see this thread. It's the op that's at fault, but she's blaming everyone else around her and screaming at a four year old to see if she's doing it deliberately to wind her up.

echoing what another person said if she can scream at her, then she's capable of raising her voice.

I think one way trauma is passed from generation to generation is because one person gets so used to seeing themselves as victim of their (step)parent's abuse that they continue to think of themself as victim in relation to their own child - and see their own child little as the perpertrator.
Anyone who is screaming at a four year old child is in the wrong, and is doing that child harm.
It doesn't matter how cheeky, provocative, or twattish (?!?!) that child is. And it doesn't matter how much you were the victim in the past. You're now the one harming her.

@Kurkara Wow, this is a great insight. I keep reading it, makes so much sense.

Yes, Google for a voice coach in your area

Hi OP @TheMadQuietOne

for voice training / elocution lessons / singing lessons i looked at the LAMDA website - their teachers often do private lessons.

Here is an an example:

https://lamdalaura.co.uk/

I went with singing lessons for my daughter and the bonus is that she now speaks much more clearly.

I really think you need some help. Your daughter can’t hear you so you are screaming at her but she’s a massive twat for triggering you on purpose? She is 4 years old. This sounds horrific
No one can hear you speak but it’s their fault.
Get some speech therapy then as well as therapy to address your childhood issues

Same here OP. Whilst I accept that I can mutter at times I also think that it's not just my problem. I've noticed especially with my close family that it can be habitual. Like they automatically think "oh she's muttering again, I don't know what she's saying" before I've even finished my sentence. One thing that sometimes works is just pausing, wait 30 seconds after the obnoxious "WHAT?!" and quite often they'll miraculously be able to remember at least part of what you've said, which helps quell my anger and they normally look a bit sheepish too.

Ultimately I'm angry because I feel like I'm not being listened too, and sometimes it's proven (with the wait method) that true! I have a very loose theory that it's related to how short our attention spans are and how clickbaity media is impacting our listening skills. Does DD have a lot of screen time?

There are a number of different reasons why people - including your daughter - may ask others to repeat themselves. Maybe they didn’t hear. Maybe they didn’t understand. Maybe they were thinking about something else at the time and missed the first few words. I am struggling to imagine anyone, let alone a 4-year-old, asking for clarification to be a “twat.”

That being said, screaming at a 4 year old for asking a question is an extreme reaction. Have you considered Therapy for the things you've mentioned from your childhood?

Your posts sound like you dont like your daughter at all. Shes a 4 year old child and you are an adult who has already said you use your voice so man fawn on you. Your posts are honestly troubling.

If this was a man posting he yelled at his wife and repeatedly screamed at his child answers would be very different.
Outrageous behaviour.

Indeed. You have to decide if you want people to engage with you or otherwise just smile sweetly (or point-blank stare past you) as they ignore you and carry on conversing with people they can hear.

I find a similar thing when you see some computer fonts where the typeface is so flowery and fancy that I find that I can't actually read the text without staring hard and concentrating on each letter. Except I don't bother to do that; I just ignore it as though it isn't there at all (it can't be that important if the writer didn't care about reader comprehension) and move on to something else that uses a sensible font that is designed to be quickly read and understood.

If Stephen Hawking - and countless other disabled people - manage(d) to find a way to overcome all of their severe challenges in communicating and be able to converse effectively, it's a bit rich to just shrug about the fact that you speak quietly and not even bother to try to practise or learn how to raise your voice to an audible level.

No, you just can’t be bothered to communicate effectively, so you make it your family’s problem and then claim victimhood (see! they just can’t be bothered listening!)

I'm afraid that if people can "sometimes" comprehend part of what you've said after 30 seconds' processing time, you're not comprehensible. The fact they can with effort sometimes piece it together isn't a gotcha it just means you're way too quiet but not absolutely silent. Absent a vocal cord etc disability you need to make more effort. It's not their fault and it's not screen time.

Completely agree with PPs example about hard to read font.
It's like you're passing a feint scribbled note to someone and they're saying "I can't read this" and you think that the fact that they can pick out a couple of words with great effort means the note was adequate communication all along, when you could have just written it clearly.

But unlike OP you don't scream at people - you just sound a bit like hard work.

You say that being told to speak up is uncomfortable, but before you are told the other person is already uncomfortable because they are struggling to hear what you are saying. It’s not them breaking the flow of conversation. The flow of conversation is already broken because they can’t follow it. You obviously can follow it because you can hear them and know what you are saying but they can’t. It makes no sense to feel fine about it as long as you can carry on with people pretending that they are enjoying conversation with you, but feel self conscious when you are being told that what you are saying is important enough for the other person to want to hear it.

One thing that sometimes works is just pausing, wait 30 seconds after the obnoxious "WHAT?!" and quite often they'll miraculously be able to remember at least part of what you've said, which helps quell my anger and they normally look a bit sheepish too.
Ultimately I'm angry because I feel like I'm not being listened too, and sometimes it's proven (with the wait method) that true!

This is a really rude thing to do, and it doesn’t prove anything except that people are so used to missing half of what you say that it sometimes takes them a moment to realise that you’re not talking.

People shouldn’t have to focus 100% of their attention on you to be able to hear you. You have no reason to be angry at not being listened to when you don’t make the effort to be heard properly.

I have lived with angry mumblers and its miserable. On the one hand, they are getting all the information and interaction they need because they can hear you talking and understand you every time. But then when you ask a question or have to listen to them you have to do all the hard work of staring at them, trying to lipread and straining to listen while running the risk of being berated or have information withheld because they aren't prepared to make the effort to communicate effectively.

It's like replying to a text message with only emojis - sometimes the other person can work out what you're saying but it's hard work and ultimately frustrating to try and decipher a message that could have been clearly conveyed.

What a terrible thing to say about a four year old child.

How come what your stepdad did to you is bullying in your book, but screaming at a small child and referring to her as a “twat” and implying she’s manipulative isn’t?

Take a long hard look at yourself and your behaviour because you’re damaging that child.

That's not all OP said about her little girl:

So I think she’s taking the piss.
...
She’s devious.

😕

Agreed. Her stepdad used to be mean to her because he couldn't hear what she was saying.
So she screams at her daughter who also can't hear what she's saying. And suggests the kid is lying about it even though pretty much everyone agrees she speaks incredibly quietly to the point she had to wear a loudspeaker at work!
Almost unbelievable.

So you:
Manipulated men to get them to buy you stuff
Scream at your 4 year old
Verbal abuse your husband

You're not coming across very pleasant.
Just speak up.

Im afraid you are the problem, not the people trying to hear you. They have no option but ask you to repeat, they arent doing it to annoy you, they are simply trying to understand.
You need a speech therapist