Why do I get so angry when people ask me to repeat myself?

[TheMadQuietOne]

People tell me that I’m soft-spoken, and I think that’s a result of a) childhood social anxiety, b) previous issues with my vocal cords, and c) my step dad used to intentionally make me angry by being unfair or intentionally misinterpreting what I was saying to get me to raise my voice, and then punish me for it. There’s also the fact that men tend to associate quietness with femininity and tend to find quieter women more attractive, (unfortunate, I know) and I used to heavily take advantage of that.

But now… people ask me to repeat myself or speak up. So. Fucking. Often! It’s driving me nuts, and I’m starting to be filled with rage when it happens, especially if they interrupt me midway through speaking to say they can’t hear me. My 4 year old DD regularly asks me to repeat myself multiple times (and maybe she has difficulty with auditory processing, as she has trouble following directions as well, idk… I suspect sometimes she does it on purpose, at this point) and I’m starting to end up screaming at her. I know that’s not fair to her or right to do.

I don’t know if it’s the physical effort/discomfort I experience or the frustration with having to repeat myself or the association of being angry with getting louder, but I literally cannot speak louder without sounding angry as well. Like the other day I’m the airport, DH asked me a question about our gameplan for seating arrangements, and interrupted me mid-answer to say he couldn’t hear me. So I made myself louder and apparently sounded angry, so he interrupted me again to ask why I was being snarky with him, and then I started literally shouting (such that most people at the gate went quiet) that we’ve been over this, that I can’t raise my voice without sounding angry. (Which he then proceeded to say “okay, well I’m not listening at all then,” and I retorted, “Okay, we’ll then go away and stop bothering me about the fucking seating arrangement.”)

I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m really struggling with this.

Do you know what, though? Given what the OP has said on this thread, I think it's better that the people around her can't hear her!

I didn’t say I think it’s fine or that everyone else should just adapt. I was trying to let the OP know I do understand why it’s frustrating — and I also get that other people can find it difficult too.

But it’s not as simple as flipping a switch. It’s not just about volume — it’s about unpicking a lifetime of habit and social anxiety. It’s more like changing your natural accent: possible, but not instant. Or like telling someone shy to “just stop being shy.”

There’s more going on than a refusal to talk louder — and understanding goes both ways.

They way you talk about your 4 year old child is disgraceful. Enough that in her place, I'd be playing spiteful pranks on you too. Screaming at her is abusive, whether she's deliberately being annoying or not. You are her parent, so parent. She's 4. You're the adult. Fucking grow up and act like a mother.

@TheMadQuietOne I’m sorry you’re getting such a hard time here, but I think most people really don’t understand the problem. I have very similar vocal issues to you, and it just isn’t as simple as ‘talk louder’ is it? I can’t seem to talk louder. My issues also stem from childhood abuse, as I am scared of drawing attention to myself, I hoped that by being quiet no one would notice me and therefore I wouldn’t be hurt. I have several times lost my voice completely for prolonged periods at times of great emotional stress eg family bereavements, so I know that the problems with my voice stem from psychological problems, but the knowledge doesn’t solve the difficulties.

I can shout when pushed, but it isn’t easy for me and there doesn’t seem to be a ‘middle ground’ of just talking louder.

I suffer with lots of internalised anger, as a result of all these emotional problems and also from deep fatigue. When people (and it’s always the same ones - many people seem to hear me perfectly fine) continually complain they can’t hear me it causes all sorts of emotions to rise up in me. Because it is always certain people, it does often feel as if they are setting out to provoke me. My fatigue means that it feels as if it has cost me a lot, in terms of strength, to get the words out, and the idea that I have to complete the task again, draining me even more, is just more than I can bear. So, when I do repeat myself, trying to inject more volume into my speech, yes, I think it often does come out as if I am sounding angry, although I don’t mean to.

So, I just want to send you some understanding and support. You are not alone.

Quite a late response, but I just read it and wanted to say thank you so much for it. Sorry you’re going through a similar thing 🫂

Yes, she does unfortunately get a lot of screen time (we are working on cutting back.)

I’ve come to realize, with the voice amplification device, that it’s not generally that she can’t hear me. Like your family, she’s come to habitually respond with “what did you say” without actually listening the first two times, especially if she’s distracted by something else (like screens, but sometimes with toys or by other kids.) I haven’t been repeating myself until she bothers to look at me and demonstrate that she’s actually looking to hear what I have to say the second time. She is bothered by this (and possibly disappointed by my suppressed emotional reaction) so hopefully in time the habit is squashed.

To everybody else— I like her just fine. Love her an awful lot, even. That doesn’t mean she can’t be a little turd every so often. Maybe you all are so blessed to have perfect little angels for sons and daughters, but not everyone is, and I’m not going to pretend like I am just to appease a bunch of catty women on the interwebs. Xx

Perhaps you mumble.

I’m quite sure I enunciate just fine (with the exception of a few words I’ve read in books but never heard spoken aloud until I use them in conversation and my husband starts laughing at me. Always fun.)

I’m not going to pretend like I am just to appease a bunch of catty women on the interwebs.

Ha ha. The evergreen response of somebody who came to MN for some feedback and advice, but then didn't like the feedback and advice they got 😉

In terms of catty she's the one who admitted screaming and shouting at a four year old and accusing her of being a twat and deliberately winding her up.

She sits whispering at everybody and is angry that people can't hear her.I mean, you couldn't make this up.

And don't forget "turd" - lovely way to describe your four year old daughter

That doesn’t mean she can’t be a little turd every so often.

The actual feedback I got was just fine: go get a speech therapist or voice coach, and get professional help for your history of abuse.

I’m at the point in my life where I can laugh at people like you, who are rude and catty and twist things intentionally, and then try to turn it all on me, saying I “don’t like the feedback.” Kindly, it’s not “feedback,” love, and if you think it is… maybe you need professional help too.

you need to go to a voice coach. And given your level of anger I think it’s a trauma reaction and so you need a therapist to avoid passing mother trauma on.

If you’re too quiet for others to understand you, you are going to have to be the one to fix it.

Please don't call your daughter such awful names @TheMadQuietOne it's really despicable. It doesn't matter if she's sometimes a handful, she's a child it's what they do at times. She doesn't deserve to be called names over it, by anyone, least of all her own mother. I can't believe you think it's okay or normal to do this. I understand you were abused as a child so maybe you didn't get the memo but it's really, really not okay. I hope she has someone to defend her in real life from you. And that you get help so she doesn't suffer her whole life.

You people are acting like I’m calling her names to her face, or that I genuinely mean them instead of utilizing hyperbole. Intentionally triggering someone who’s suffered trauma IS twattish, turdly, devious, etc. behavior. And of course, she’s 4; she doesn’t even know what trauma is or why I react the way I do. All she knows is x behavior = y reaction, and if she wants y reaction, she does x behavior. (Yes, she does do that.)

Now that I ruled out that it’s not a matter of my volume, I’ve explained to her that saying “what do you say” without her actually listening to me is “extremely frustrating” and asked her not to do it anymore. No name calling involved…She still does it. (I always find it funny when MNers say “just tell your child not to do xyz like a good parent, and they won’t!” Yeah, lol, okay.)

So the way I am modifying that behavior is refusing to repeat myself when she’s not actively listening. This is frustrating to her, because she still wants to know what I said, but she’s also not realizing that if you want to know what someone is saying, you have to stop focusing on whatever it is you’re doing, and focus on their words. Not doing so and asking them to repeat themselves is rude. This is something she needs to learn, and hopefully she will. But just telling her that isn’t going to cut it.

But you don't seem to realise that this is because of your volume- children learn how to interact from their parents and for the first 4 year of her life one of her primary caregivers has been hard to understand and she has required things to be repeated so of course she doesn't understand how to start listening when you talk - because in her normal experience over her lifetime - her starting listening when you talk hasn't worked for the past four years. So yes you've started using an amplifying device now but that doesn't mean she automatically unlearns her learned behaviour- her brain is still saying - oh yes mummy is talking but I won't understand until she repeats it.
Luckily children learn quickly but I really can't understand how you are blaming her for behaviour you've trained into her.

But can’t you see it’s likely she’s got into the habit of not ‘actively listening’ to you because she very very often can’t actually hear you?

Even at four years old, she’s old enough to recognise habits, and she’s simply responding to the way you interact with her.

I disagree OP. Mostly people are able to hear what’s being said at the same time as carrying on with what they’re doing. You’re being cruel to your DD.

Or maybe in those 30 seconds they manage to piece together just enough to guess what you might be trying to say?

It would be more obnoxious to simply ignore you entirely that interrupt to ask you to speak up/repeat yourself - the fact they do suggests they are attempting to listen to what you’re saying.

They could just start not bothering at all, it’s always an option.

You are accusing your 4yo of being manipulative, yet you persist in highly manipulative behaviours yourself because you can’t be bothered communicating effectively. I suggest you look in the mirror when you next wonder why your child is being a “twat” or a “turd”.

I think you are failing to understand.

The first time she can’t hear me and asks me to repeat myself? That’s fine. I’ll say it louder.

The second or third time, when it’s definitely loud enough to be audible, and she flings out a “what did you say?” Either from habit and because she’s not actively listening, or because she wants that angry reaction me? That’s little turd behavior.

But I don’t know why I bother to explain to anyone here; it’s not like you’re going to actually try to understand. You’ll hear what you want to out of the words I write and respond with that bias. It’s whatever. I don’t care anymore.

Hi OP,

What your stepdad did was horrendous and will be massively contributing to the issues you’re having now. Probably associating ‘speaking up’ (as in, a normal volume) with being told off and it’s become a vicious circle.

However, your daughter won’t realise at all that she’s triggering you. She’s no idea of the history and even if it feels like she’s doing something on purpose, she isn’t.

Alongside the voice training - which can be self taught - there’s an organisation called Toastmasters. A lot of towns have these groups for public speaking. People go along, do speeches, practice presentations, recite poetry and all kinds of other speaking related things, plus there’s some group activities to build confidence speaking in public and it can be a lot of fun. This might be beneficial to you as well.

She’s four, and she’s the product of her environment ie what her caregivers have modelled to her.

A 4yo can’t “trigger you”. You are reacting inappropriately to normal young child behaviour.

She's bloody 4. Intentionally triggering someone who’s suffered trauma IS twattish, turdly, devious, etc. behavior. accusing your 4 yo of this is ridiculous.
Am actually horrendous, as is the rest of your last post.

Either from habit and because she’s not actively listening, or because she wants that angry reaction me? That’s little turd behavior.

A 4 year old doing things from habit is not little turd behaviour.