Why do I get so angry when people ask me to repeat myself?

[TheMadQuietOne]

People tell me that I’m soft-spoken, and I think that’s a result of a) childhood social anxiety, b) previous issues with my vocal cords, and c) my step dad used to intentionally make me angry by being unfair or intentionally misinterpreting what I was saying to get me to raise my voice, and then punish me for it. There’s also the fact that men tend to associate quietness with femininity and tend to find quieter women more attractive, (unfortunate, I know) and I used to heavily take advantage of that.

But now… people ask me to repeat myself or speak up. So. Fucking. Often! It’s driving me nuts, and I’m starting to be filled with rage when it happens, especially if they interrupt me midway through speaking to say they can’t hear me. My 4 year old DD regularly asks me to repeat myself multiple times (and maybe she has difficulty with auditory processing, as she has trouble following directions as well, idk… I suspect sometimes she does it on purpose, at this point) and I’m starting to end up screaming at her. I know that’s not fair to her or right to do.

I don’t know if it’s the physical effort/discomfort I experience or the frustration with having to repeat myself or the association of being angry with getting louder, but I literally cannot speak louder without sounding angry as well. Like the other day I’m the airport, DH asked me a question about our gameplan for seating arrangements, and interrupted me mid-answer to say he couldn’t hear me. So I made myself louder and apparently sounded angry, so he interrupted me again to ask why I was being snarky with him, and then I started literally shouting (such that most people at the gate went quiet) that we’ve been over this, that I can’t raise my voice without sounding angry. (Which he then proceeded to say “okay, well I’m not listening at all then,” and I retorted, “Okay, we’ll then go away and stop bothering me about the fucking seating arrangement.”)

I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m really struggling with this.

Its the tone. You must be using a tone thats aggressive.
Can't believe you used to do a soft voice for male attention...bloody hell thats sad .
Shouting at your kid is you just losing your temper. Dont try and justify it by saying you must be to softly spoken

God, I have so much to say about your posts
@TheMadQuietOne OP, you have had consistent and persistent feedback from people as varied as your partner, clients and your employer that people CAN'T FUCKING HEAR YOU. So why would your four year old, innocent little girl saying she can't hear you cause you to call her a twat and assume SHE is the one with the problem? It's honestly mind blowing.

Similarly, you sounding aggressive when you raise your voice is for you to fix.

The bottom line for me is that people can't hear harder, they hear what they hear. Whereas you CAN speak more loudly, effortful though it may be for you.

You would benefit IMO from psychotherapy as you seem to have very muddled thinking around all this. You have an absolute responsibility to sort this out for the sake of your daughter, who I feel very, very sorry for.

You need therapy. So wrong on so many levels to shout at your child. And you said she’s being a ‘twat’? She’s 4 years old. She can’t hear you. Clearly lots of people can’t hear you. They are not the issue here. Get help before you cause more harm with your anger.

I ended up getting a microphone that clipped to my shirt and a speaker that hooked to my belt loop to amplify my voice, and then customers looked confused when my voice came out of my waist instead of my mouth. But they could hear me, at least…

I know it's not the most ideal solution in the first place; but if the only way you could make yourself audible was with a mic and speaker, could you not have got a speaker (maybe a smaller one) that you could attach to your lapel or wear around your neck?

Personally, if I encountered somebody with such a set-up, I'd assume they had a disability related to their voicebox and had found a good workaround for it - all good; but their voice coming from their waist would just be so weird.

Apart from anything else, it's normal and common courtesy to look at somebody's face when listening to them talking (and would be even if the sound of their voice were actually coming from a little lower than their mouth); but being forced to look down in the direction of somebody's genitals whilst they're talking to you would seem absolutely bonkers.

I agree with others that your DD is not 'being a twat'.

She's just being honest - as children her age are, without the social niceties that you learn with age and maturity - and what she is actually saying to you is most likely what most of the adults are thinking, but don't like to tell you for fear of awkwardness.

If you are able to scream at your 4 year old you are probably capable of raising your speaking voice .

Or is it a ‘softly spoken’ scream ?

Put yourself in other people's shoes. Its not all about you- others may be concerned about their hearing.

There is a Mum on the school run, our daughter’s are friendly. She is a very nice woman but so softly spoken I can barely hold a conversation. I miss words, and say pardon and she says it again. Her voice is quite breathy and if she’s talking about teachers or anything vaguely discreet she lowers her voice to such an extent I can’t hear her. Sounds awful but I just try and avoid her, she is the definition of a quiet church mouse. I spend the whole time saying ‘what was that?’ Or pardon? Or sorry, I think I’m going deaf, but I’m not, she needs to speak up, I find myself always walking away thinking it’s like talking to someone in another language or chatting to someone in a club and you get every third word.

It might be worth you trying to remember that you are probably intensely frustrating for other people trying to listen to you. I am slightly hearing-impaired and I find the people who speak quietly to me repeatedly so bloody rude. They know I can’t hear. Most people just speak up a bit quite easily. Some people seem intent on continuing to whisper to me which means I cannot understand them. Even worse when they do it in a group setting. They then say something like, ‘ oh nothing important’ and I am left knowing that I have been left out of a conversation. It really sucks if multiple people have told you that you are softly spoken then for goodness sake learn to speak up.

You need therapy for your issues before your poor child ends up traumatised by your attitude to her.

You have obviously suffered trauma with this but rather than thinking your 4 year old is being a twat (all kids can be) you are the common denominator in people not being able to hear you. This is something that you need to look at strategies to improve. I wish you well but please recognise its highly unlikely that everyone is triggering you on purpose. Its your voice application

OP, I get it. I’m softly spoken too, and social anxiety makes it even harder — it messes with your breathing and can make you speak faster or lose your words. It’s a mix of nature, confidence and how we’ve been conditioned socially.

Being told to “speak up” is so uncomfortable. It breaks the flow of conversation and just highlights your self-consciousness, which makes it worse. It’s one of those things that’s really hard to understand unless you’ve experienced it.

Chuckles you clearly don’t know my daughter like I do. She does stuff to piss people off on purpose all the time. She thinks it’s funny. The reason why I think she might be triggering me on purpose is because it doesn’t matter if we’re 2 ft apart or across the room, in a crowded, noisy place or home alone, there’s just no correlation to any sort of potential factor when she says “What did you say?” (And sometimes DH, who is 53 years old will be further away from me than her, will hear me and repeat it to her. And she hears him just fine.) So I think she’s taking the piss.

She’s been known to go outside and ring the doorbell when either myself or DH are home alone caring for her and using the bathroom, and then laugh her head off when we come hurrying out of the bathroom still zipping our trousers. Or she’ll offer strangers a high-five and then pull her hand away last second and giggle hysterically. She’s devious.

So we will see.

It wasn’t for “attention,” it was for manipulative/seductive purposes. Men saw me as more shy, submissive, innocent, etc. when I was quiet and “sweet,” and they bent over backwards to help me or take me on expensive dates and trips… They are simple creatures. I really lived it up for a couple years in uni. I don’t think it helped me break out of the habit though. It’s much more difficult as a woman to try to command respect and attention with your voice and presence than it is to be soft and seductive.

Right, I’m quite capable of being loud when I am very angry…

Also wanted to add: generally when I can’t hear others, I’ll move closer to them and watch their lips to try to figure out what they’re saying. Sometimes if I just let the parts that I did definitively hear process a little before I ask them to repeat themselves, I can piece together what it is they’ve said. I don’t think it’s rude for people to speak at their natural volumes, and I think people are equally as likely to be hard of hearing as they are to be vocally impaired and/or socially anxious (and usually HOH people will let you know that they are HOH.) There’s some middle ground in which to meet, there.

Devious? That’s a common kid joke.

It’s appalling how you talk about her.

It drives me nuts when people (let's be honest: women) speak sotto voce all the time.

Like you, OP, I had a father who forced me to speak quietly Oddly, I was in the school debating society and took part in plays. No idea whether I self-adjusted or carried on without being heard! Anyway, I went on to work in sales and my trainer got a voice coach in for me. Just one afternoon, but it was enough. It is about 'speaking from the diaphragm' and also about imagining your voice going to the end of the room, not just leaving your mouth.

Ever since then, I've been told off for being loud 😂 Fine by me, I think I deserve to be heard!

Right? Daughter is doing silly kid tricks and jokes. No adult in their right mind would be annoyed at a withdrawn high five, it would make any normal person giggle. She can't hear you because you've spent your life whispering in an attempt to be sexy. Id suggest you see a GP about both your vocal and anger issues.

I’ve been on MN long enough to know when others are latching onto particular words and details and making me out to be the most evil person in the world because of them, so I will not be engaging with those individuals :) ta

It's literally everything you've said but ok.

:)

It’s not other peoples fault they can’t hear you, you know it’s you so you have to be the one to deal with it somehow.

I struggle with focusing on sound when there is background noise so I make a point of always trying to stand closer than I’d like or really focus on someone’s lips if they are quietly spoken or we are in a loud environment. I also apologise and make it known I have an hearing issue even though my hearing is perfect, I’ve checked.

My dd is very softly spoken and mumbles, I make her face me when talking and also refuse to listen to her if she dosnt speak up or clearly especially when I’m driving. I know she can do it, it’s just not her natural comfortable volume but she’s getting better. Her teachers have also been working on this with her.

i used to get bullied for mumbling and not pronouncing words correctly, even my friends parents use to joke about giving me elocution lessons which is why I think it’s important for my dd to speak up and pronounce her words especially as a woman, I don’t want men belittling her and dismissing her for not being able to stand her ground by using her voice, I’ve had enough of that for the both of us.

You need therapy. Your poor daughter doesn't deserve this.