Why do I get so angry when people ask me to repeat myself?

[TheMadQuietOne]

People tell me that I’m soft-spoken, and I think that’s a result of a) childhood social anxiety, b) previous issues with my vocal cords, and c) my step dad used to intentionally make me angry by being unfair or intentionally misinterpreting what I was saying to get me to raise my voice, and then punish me for it. There’s also the fact that men tend to associate quietness with femininity and tend to find quieter women more attractive, (unfortunate, I know) and I used to heavily take advantage of that.

But now… people ask me to repeat myself or speak up. So. Fucking. Often! It’s driving me nuts, and I’m starting to be filled with rage when it happens, especially if they interrupt me midway through speaking to say they can’t hear me. My 4 year old DD regularly asks me to repeat myself multiple times (and maybe she has difficulty with auditory processing, as she has trouble following directions as well, idk… I suspect sometimes she does it on purpose, at this point) and I’m starting to end up screaming at her. I know that’s not fair to her or right to do.

I don’t know if it’s the physical effort/discomfort I experience or the frustration with having to repeat myself or the association of being angry with getting louder, but I literally cannot speak louder without sounding angry as well. Like the other day I’m the airport, DH asked me a question about our gameplan for seating arrangements, and interrupted me mid-answer to say he couldn’t hear me. So I made myself louder and apparently sounded angry, so he interrupted me again to ask why I was being snarky with him, and then I started literally shouting (such that most people at the gate went quiet) that we’ve been over this, that I can’t raise my voice without sounding angry. (Which he then proceeded to say “okay, well I’m not listening at all then,” and I retorted, “Okay, we’ll then go away and stop bothering me about the fucking seating arrangement.”)

I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m really struggling with this.

I don’t know what to tell you. That’s literally what she does.

I think it’s really bizarre of so many of you to a) insist my child is behaving better than she is, and b) believe that you somehow know my child’s behavior better than I do. That’s not a rational chain of thought, you know.

I feel so sorry for your little girl.

Its clear that you don't want to take any responsibility for this dynamic.

Oh @TheMadQuietOne … you’re being very very short sighted here.

you are stuck in victim mode. You’re saying your issues are due to previous abuse and your 4 year old is triggering you.

what you can’t see is actually your behaviour is damaging your child. What you are describing, the way you respond to her, is not normal or appropriate.

yes, you may be doing that due to your own childhood trauma, but you are repeating the cycle.

open your eyes, grow the fuck up. Anyone who says their 4 year old child is manipulating and triggering them needs a wake up call.

Why don’t you start off speaking more audibly from the start since you’re very conscious of this habit?

She’s responding to a habit you’ve ingrained in her.

You are the adult, you can break this behaviour which is creating this habit. She’s four, so obviously not capable of doing that.

Your poor little girl

Do you actually like your child?

Such a sad post.

No one is failing to understand. You don't need to spell it out. The issue is the language you're choosing to use about a child, your child. No one is saying that children can't be challenging and try your patience but referring to them in such derogatory terms, whether they know it or not, is really unsavory.

Agree, you absolutely have a victim complex, and it seems you're trying to put your 4 YEAR OLD in the role of abuser, and you as poor victim.....
This is actually abusive. Calling her a turd and all those awful names and attributing manipulative behaviour to her? Wtf! I hope there are other adults who can protect her.

God I'd like to break some things down for you OP but there's no point. You'll do anything to keep on blaming your daughter for your issues. The effort you've gone to on this thread to repeatedly call her horrible names and defend doing so and blame her over and over for your issues speaks for itself.

Are you ok? Like genuinely? Are you under the influence?
Would you describe her to her school like this? Please do and hopefully they'll step in for her.

I think you need a voice coach - speech therapists and singing teachers often do this.

I don't think you're a horrible person for getting frustrated. My 4yo has a speech delay and he gets SO frustrated when people can't understand him. I would probably look at trying to get speech clearer in the first place, though. And try to be patient with your DD, she is only little herself.

DH should probably be a bit more empathetic.

Jeez I should have RTFT before commenting clearly 😅

I have a 7yo with ADHD and probable auditory processing disorder. He has some rather trying behaviours including latching onto anything which is liable to cause an emotional outburst in response. This is not him choosing to intentionally trigger trauma - any trauma/sore spots of mine are not his responsibility. One of his things he does at the moment is ask "What does that mean??" when he knows full well what something means. I struggle to immediately differentiate when someone is asking a rhetorical question/on the wind up/making a joke, and he has also had repeated issues with genuinely not understanding things, so it took me a while to catch on that he was doing this purposefully.

Even so - the way to discourage the behaviour is to ignore it and only respond when you believe it is a genuine request. If they are doing something specifically because it gets a big reaction, you are unlikely to discourage it by giving her the big reaction. It's all experienced as reward, whether the attention is negative or positive. The best thing to do with a reaction-seeking behaviour is not give it the reaction she is looking for.

Put down the wine and mn @TheMadQuietOne ...

We need an audio file!

I think op it sounds as though you have taught yourself to speak softly. is that right? The reasons you gave at the beginning sound as though this was an intentional softening.

If so, you are going to have to retrace your steps and learn to get louder. You know it can be done.

It worries me a little that you are suggesting your DD might have an auditory processing problem because this could be one of two things1. You are blaming her when many, many people seem to have an issue with your volume, and a four year old would not, imo, ask you to say it louder simply as a wind up. But 2 worries me even more - which is that maybe if she can't hear you speaking very well, she HAS developed some issues with interpreting spoken input.

I think for her sake you need to stop thinking of this as enraging and start getting help for it. Maybe that's what the rage is telling you as well - or, put differently, maybe you are feeling angry because it makes you know you need to do something about it.

But equally, it is probably maddening for him too.

Oh golly, yes I should have RTwholeT too ...

I kept going to my GP over and over for a very painful throat (not a normal sore throat), I had a lot of difficulty swallowing and a lot of pain around my throat and neck and permanently felt like I had a lump in my throat. I went to an ent specialist who gave me an mri and had a really good look.

The started to ask me about trauma......

Maybe you carry all your grief and trauma in your throat? I know that sounds weird, but I do. I found that knowing that that was what was going on for me was enough to help me relax and take my time and breathe properly.

Do people ever complain that you don't move your face and mouth enough when you speak?

Your poor daughter.
You even acknowledge in your first post that people are always asking you to repeat myself or speak up. And give examples of your husband and former employer getting frustrated with you for it. Yet your 4 year old daughter is in the wrong for not being able to hear you?!

As other have said, I know someone who talks quietly and mumbles and I just avoid them as others do - if they can't be bothered to talk at an audible level, I can't be bothered to listen to them. But your daughter can't do that.

The irony of your post talking about how your step dads un-kindness to you as a child has impacted upon your adult life doesn't appear to have registered for you..