Why do I get so angry when people ask me to repeat myself?

[TheMadQuietOne]

People tell me that I’m soft-spoken, and I think that’s a result of a) childhood social anxiety, b) previous issues with my vocal cords, and c) my step dad used to intentionally make me angry by being unfair or intentionally misinterpreting what I was saying to get me to raise my voice, and then punish me for it. There’s also the fact that men tend to associate quietness with femininity and tend to find quieter women more attractive, (unfortunate, I know) and I used to heavily take advantage of that.

But now… people ask me to repeat myself or speak up. So. Fucking. Often! It’s driving me nuts, and I’m starting to be filled with rage when it happens, especially if they interrupt me midway through speaking to say they can’t hear me. My 4 year old DD regularly asks me to repeat myself multiple times (and maybe she has difficulty with auditory processing, as she has trouble following directions as well, idk… I suspect sometimes she does it on purpose, at this point) and I’m starting to end up screaming at her. I know that’s not fair to her or right to do.

I don’t know if it’s the physical effort/discomfort I experience or the frustration with having to repeat myself or the association of being angry with getting louder, but I literally cannot speak louder without sounding angry as well. Like the other day I’m the airport, DH asked me a question about our gameplan for seating arrangements, and interrupted me mid-answer to say he couldn’t hear me. So I made myself louder and apparently sounded angry, so he interrupted me again to ask why I was being snarky with him, and then I started literally shouting (such that most people at the gate went quiet) that we’ve been over this, that I can’t raise my voice without sounding angry. (Which he then proceeded to say “okay, well I’m not listening at all then,” and I retorted, “Okay, we’ll then go away and stop bothering me about the fucking seating arrangement.”)

I’m not sure what to do about it. I’m really struggling with this.

I have the same problem (v soft spoken) but I feel worn out rather than rage. And to posters saying just talk more loudly - how very rude and dismissive! If I “talk loudly” it’s like shouting to me. Have you ever tried shouting your way through an entire conversation?!

This sounds really difficult and it’s understandable given what you experienced in your childhood that you’re softly spoken now.

From the perspective of a listener, I can see why they’d ask you to speak up, and they’re not trying to be difficult or rude. There is a softly spoken guy who does the same hobby activity as me, and I now avoid him - he’s a really nice guy, but i find it so embarrassing to have to ask him to repeat himself, or to get really uncomfortably close to him so I can hear him.

I wonder if you could get speech therapy to help with this?

It’s not ‘rude and dismissive’ if everyone in someone’s life, from her boss to her four year old, is telling her she’s inaudible. Yes, it’s clear why she developed a quiet speaking voice, and it’s clear why she gets angry, but ultimately this is on her to solve. If you struggle to speak audibly, only you can change that, with vocal exercises or projection lessons.

I’ve gone and reordered that amplification device to use while I’ll look into vocal coaching therapy. (Then I’ll know for sure if DD genuinely can’t hear me or if she’s just being a massive twat and triggering me on purpose.)

You’ll kill two birds with one stone there then OP. Good luck.

I wasn’t referring to the suggestion re vocal lessons? I was referring to the poster who said “ talk louder”. That’s rude etc

You’ll have to change your username to ‘The perfectly reasonable modulated one’!

My partner mumbles half of what he is saying and then gets angry when I cant hear. Sometimes he mumbles and looks away from me so I cant even rely on lip reading or having the sound coming in my direction.

I cut him off and said if you look away from me and mumble I cant hear you.

He looked back at me and repeated in an annoyed tone what he'd said.

Its bloody infuriating OP. So i dont know why you are the angry one.

Open your mouth and speak at a reasonable volume. I dont ask anyone else to repeat themselves as frequently as my partner

You need more than voice training if youre screaming at a 4 yo.

(Then I’ll know for sure if DD genuinely can’t hear me or if she’s just being a massive twat and triggering me on purpose.)

I'm sorry, but that's a horrible way to talk about your four year old daughter. I think you need some therapy about all this, as well as the voice coaching.

“Open your mouth and speak at a reasonable volume” Gosh! I bet OP has never thought of that.Thanks for your brilliant suggestion.

If you’re actively aware you’re doing this surely it’s in everyone’s interests that yes, you do speak up more clearly.

I spend every single conversation with my dad having to stop him half way through speaking to tell him he needs to speak up because I can’t hear him.

It’s not rude or dismissive - it would be rude or dismissive if I stopped bothering to listen at all, which is the other option people around you have, maybe they’ll start doing that instead.

And yet despite your sarcasm, people on this thread who have had the same feedback fail to do this very simple thing 🤷‍♀️

I fucking do speak up! But my point is it’s very very hard to keep up a volume that feels like shouting to me for a sustained conversation. So @Changingplace thats why I “fail to do it” , not because it hadn’t occurred to me.

Of course she isn't triggering you on purpose. She's not a massive twat, she's fucking 4 years old! I'm actually disgusted, you're bullying your 4 year old and blaming her for it. Sort out your own issues and don't put the responsibility on your tiny, preschool child not to 'trigger' you. What is she supposed to do if she can't bloody hear you?

This is completely your problem, you don't speak audibly. Screaming at a 4 year old for doing literally nothing wrong is completely unacceptable and abusive.

But it’s quite clear that multiple people cannot hear you, so why would she be able to?

It drives me mad when people speak so quietly you have to strain to hear or repeatedly have to ask them to speak up. It really annoys me, it’s so rude.

Honestly, these are such big red flags, that mean you need therapy:

I scream at my four year old
I think she's a twat
She's triggering me on purpose

Get help!

Reframe it. They care about what you are saying, which is why they need to be able to hear it.

On the plus side OP, people are asking you to speak up because they want to hear you and value what you have to say. It shows that you matter and they care

Massive long woe is me post about getting bullied by your dad but you’re doing worse to your own four year old.

Don’t waste the GP’s time. Just speak up properly and learn how to be a better parent to your ‘twat’ four year old child.

This. And My 4 year old DD regularly asks me to repeat myself multiple times (and maybe she has difficulty with auditory processing, as she has trouble following directions as well, idk… I suspect sometimes she does it on purpose, at this point) and I’m starting to end up screaming at her.
Do you scream at everyone who can't hear you? Or just your 4 year old?

Has it ever occurred to you that someone could be asking you to repeat yourself because they couldn't hear you as they are hearing impaired?

100% this. Assuming you're not with dad? Does he know what you think/feel about her? That she's a 'twat' you regularly scream at?

I find it so annoying when people don't speak loudly even for me to hear. It's exhausting. I think you need to change your behaviour here.

I think finding it annoying to repeat yourself is natural but you're at the root cause. Which is great cos you can sort this irritation out.

I'm also soft spoken and am trying to speak more loudly, takes time but getting there

But there's a big difference between speaking up and just increasing the volume or shouting. If you don't get that you'd benefit from a voice coach who could teach you to throw a sound across a room rather than just making it louder.

That’s a complete contradiction, either you recognise you’re consistently not speaking at a volume other people can hear you so you ‘fucking do speak up’ … or you don’t consistently keep a normal volume so nobody can hear you.

Its very tiresome, people often stop bothering to ask whisperers and mumbles to repeat everything every time and just prioritise normal conversations that aren’t such hard work.