Doing all the things I know make me worse

[MsGoodenough]

I'm feeling suicidal. I know scrolling endlessly on my phone makes me worse. Eating badly makes me worse. Procrastinating makes me worse. Talking about it makes me worse. Yet here I am doing all of them. Staying awake all night. Feel like I'm on a runaway train headed to oblivion. I know I have to stay alive for DD but I've fucked everything up. Has anyone been here and got out. How do I start looking after myself? Both work and partner are sick of me. I don't help myself. I should be in bed by now but am sat scrolling Mumsnet. I am utterly useless.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

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Wishing you very best, OP.
💐

You are definitely not useless, you are unwell and you should give yourself credit for being strong enough to keep going despite that.
Do you think that you are doing all the things that make you feel worse because you don’t care enough about yourself to look after yourself?
The thing that is helping me is seeing my therapist weekly and learning to not have such high expectations of myself. Do you have anyone IRL who is supporting you? Constantly criticising yourself is exhausting and counterproductive. Could you try being kinder to yourself instead?

Can you physically turn your phone off and put it in a drawer? Then play some music you enjoy and talk kindly to yourself? Be very gentle with yourself x

Thank you. I am very critical of myself I know, but I deserve it. The problem with my phone at this time of night is I use a sleep meditation on YouTube to get to sleep. So I always end up on my phone at bedtime. I need an old school one on a CD. I binge eating as well and being on my phone serves the same purpose - avoiding life and punishing myself.

Been there! I did/ do scrolling procrastinating etc, it’s a way of hiding.
I also think it might be that even though we know it makes us feel worse, there is a part of us that feels safe - it’s known behavior- and part of us that is scared of changing anything because who knows what might happen, so we cling to destructive behaviors. Mad I know, but it makes sense.
I had counseling- it’s expensive but I thought it was worth it and it has been. Some counselors reduce their rates , it’s worth asking. But make sure you get an established one with a good set of qualifications and experience - I first had someone who was cheap, and it was worthless.
she mainly listened..but all the time was working on building my self esteem and sense of being capable. She didn’t tell me not to scroll, as such, but somehow I found myself doing tiny little things that made me feel good . I don’t know how she did it, a mixture of practical suggestions on how to deal with situations and encouragement I guess. I mentioned I was scrolling gardening stuff and somehow we were talking about planting seeds and growing tomatoes. I thought we were just chatting and yes, it later dawned on me that if I’m down, go have 5 minutes and check on the seeds.
maybe finding something tiny that makes you feel good? For me it was making my bed. Then making my bed and throwing out old tea shirts, then making my bed - which gives you a sense of achievement and pride, and finally actually buying new pants, which was massive!
you can do this, it will pass. I imagine you’ve been through other stuff and got through it, you can do this too. Xxx

Sorry things are rough, OP.

I’m in the same boat… or bed… with my Bluetooth headphones on ‘starting to meditate’ but actually doing sweet FA but scrolling. I’ll put my phone down and go count sheep if you will. Tomorrow’s another day. On 3… 2… 1…let’s do it!!!

Am both scrolling and bingeing now... Thanks everyone! I do feel this is it. I won't ever recover this time. Normally some self preservation kicks in somewhere... Hope we all get some sleep! (Alarm is at 5.30 start work at 7...)

@MsGoodenough you are being very hard on yourself. Have a doom scroll, binge on something, but I promise it will get better. You are worthy of being kind to yourself

What steps have you taken regarding your mental health? Have you seen the GP? Are you under the crisis team?

Why do you think you deserve to be criticised by yourself? I’d bet money on it that you don’t.

Don’t give yourself such a hard time for doom scrolling and procrastination - we all do it! From time to time, or a lot of the time, and it doesn’t have to be something to attack ourselves for.

its an attempt to self comfort during times of stress so it’s good you have that urge to comfort yourself, even if the manifestations end up making you feel worse.

Regardless of what you’re doing, scrolling or not, please force yourself to say/think one positive thing about yourself: I’ve come through a lot, or I’m a good friend, or I forgive myself for procrastination, it’s very human.

Youre human, you’re struggling, you matter, you deserve kindness.

Hey there @MsGoodenough

I'm feeling kind of stuck too. Have been for a few weeks. I know what I need to do to snap out of it, and I have been trying, but it's hard to keep the momentum going. It's tough, so I keep reminding myself to be gentle and less self-critical. Not always easy.

I know it absolutely nuts, but please try this: wrap your arms around yourself, and say ' I love you. I've got you. I'm going to look after you. You're going to be OK' to yourself.

Tomorrow is a brand new day. We can try again then. ❤️

Can't sleep. Dreading tomorrow.

I'm honestly a horrible person.

@MsGoodenoughI relate - to the spiral, the procrastination, the self sabotage. The relentless self criticism, the lack of motivation & the feelings of low worth. The clinical depression & the need for medication & therapy. You most probably are but are you on antidepressants & can you book in to see your GP or self refer for some talking support? You’re not a terrible person you sound depressed. And everything is ten times harder when you can’t motivate yourself & your brain is only giving you negative thoughts. Don’t give up. You can get out of it. You just need some help. And if you can tell your negative thoughts to Fk off. You’re ok. You’re not bad or terrible. You’re human & you’re not well right now 💐

Have you ever done/ been offered a mood on track course? I found it useful. More than I realised when I was doing it.

I haven’t ever been suicidal as I although I do go low, I’ve never been very low. I go way too high (hypomanic) - although it’s not euphoric for me but very angst ridden and upsetting.

Are you under the care of CMHT? Are you on medication? Have you told your GP how you’re feeling?

Yes. Although switching medication has I think made things worse. My main problem right now is I can't work. I have a responsible job and I'm failing at it. But if I quit/get fired I won't be able to afford to split up with DP which I need to do. I am so stuck.

Only slept a couple of hours last night.

Can you take yourself out for a walk in the fresh air and listen to something upbeat?
This evening, watch something light hearted, then early to bed with a good book instead of your phone?
Light a candle, listen to some calming music.
Prepare everything you need for tomorrow morning.
Just some tiny acts of self-care. It won't make any if the big stuff go away, but it will do you good.

I am at work (teacher) trying to get marking and planning done ready for tomorrow. But I'm not doing it. I will need to leave at 5.30 and marking won't be done and books won't be marked. Cue another awful day tomorrow. I don't know how to break the cycle. (I am aware I am letting the kids down and you are now horrified thinking I might be your dca teacher (I'm secondary so at least only ruining one subject)).I never relax because I never get my work done. I love my job and I'm terrified of losing it.

They can’t fire you for being unwell. Have you tried taking some sick leave to give yourself time to recover a bit?

When we're not in a great place even things we love and are good at can be a challenge.

I'm glad you love your job. And agree that you need to keep it.
It does sound like you need some rest. Time off could help.

You sound like a very conscientious teacher. Please don't think you're failing the children.
So your lessons may not be OFSTED worthy. That's OK!
Is there any way you could plan for an easier couple of days? Some less than perfect lessons where the children are safe, engaged and learning is all you need.
If the subject and level are appropriate, maybe get them to produce reviison posters, or put them in teams and get them to write revision questions for a class quiz?

Could you ask your HOD for more support?

Keep posting. We're here for you.

I'm the HOD! That's what's so embarrassing. I really wanted to quit the HOD position and I had a chance but I didn't take it and now we've hired a new member of staff for September. I am beating myself up like you wouldn't believe.

Oh, I see!
Well, if you're HOD you're obviously a very competent and well-thought of teacher.
So please stop beating yourself up about work.❤️

Is it the extra responsibility/work load do you think that's the problem?

If so taking a step down might still be possible. It's worth rzising with the head and your other colleagues.

Do you have any union support at all?

I can't step down as I'm a two person dept. We were advertising for a new teacher and that was my opportunity to step down. I didn't take it and now we've appointed I'm stuck.