Suicide - why do people it it?

[BoundaryGirl3939]

I got word yesterday that an incredibly competent, popular and capable women in her early 50s committed suicide. I'm shocked. She had it all. A devoted husband and two beautiful grown up children.

Her poor mental was blamed on her menopause but apparently her mental health deteriorated a good few years before the change.

I got to know her about 11 years ago(lived with her very briefly) but hadn't seen or heard from her since bar her profile on social media.

I just don't know what can make someone throw it all away. She literally had it all, and she was still young.

If I was to compare myself to her, I would not measure up to the level of drive and success she had. In a material sense, I've got very little. How could she throw it all away? Was it a moment of delusion or did she really know what she was doing?

I hate this thread
Life is so hard and each day I think of taking my life . Just it pops into my mind
I don't want to
I hate the feelings
I go to bed to fight it, I stay out of the kitchen and bathroom
I'm lucky I can fight the feelings
Not everybody can it's bloody hard OP

Sometimes it might be quite a rational response to an impossible situation... if your emotional pain (regret, guilt, etc) is greater than your ability to cope with that pain , it probably seems like an answer.

Some people are in such torment they can't live with themselves or wait for it to blow over.

I am wondering if there's an ever been a study exploring whether the impatient are more prone to suicidality. Impatience, I suppose, is difficult to measure.

I would never enquire if I met her family. Her personal reasons are none of my business. I just feel a heavy sadness for her adult children as I know she was mad about them.

My post wasn't aimed at you specifically it was more just in general.

It's not that people aren't allowed to talk about suicide @BoundaryGirl3939 but it is how you go about it and this isn't how.

@Beebsta
Complet

Agh! Completing suicide is the accepted phrase now.

I tried when I was 14 because I didn’t want to be alive anymore and didn’t think anyone would care. I took an overdose and changed my mind briefly but couldn’t make myself sick so resigned myself to it and I honestly felt overwhelming peace. Fortunately it didn’t work (obvs) but I honestly didn’t think anyone would care anyway.
i felt suicidal again last year and the main thing stopping me was the mental health of my best friend and worrying about another friend who’s teenage son died of suicide.
Weirdly I didn’t give a shit what my husband and children would feel which disturbs me now.
I started my periods at 14 and perimenopause last year and the only other time I was this unwell was when I was early 20s. I’m putting it down to puberty, becoming an adult, and menopause. I.e hormonal imbalance. I don’t think any of us know how much of an impact our hormones can have on us and how shit menopause is for some women but the statistics for women’s mental health in their 50s are a pretty good indication

@Ghouella you say. For many or even most people, suicide does result from an impulse, a moment of delusion.

How can this be right when people so often spend weeks researching and preparing their method, creating a will, writing different notes, etc?

That's not "a moment of delusion", it's a pre-meditated, researched plan.

I don’t know what to say, I can’t make things better for you or change your outlook on things, but please do reach out for support. It can be found in the most unlikely places.

My dd has been tormented like this for 6 years and is 19 now. It’s very hard on her. I can only hope that she feels supported by us and the huge network we have worked together to build, enough so that she leans on it when she needs to.

Thinking of you and sending you a hug 💐

Suicide isn’t always connected to mh problems either. People also take their own lives for other reasons; guilt/ shame, unbearable living situations/ chronic physical pain/ bereavement or other loss. When it is connected to mental illness, it is not always depression.
It’s a very complex and individual thing.

You have no idea what was going on with her. She might have done something in the past she felt guilty for, she might have been abused as a child… nobody really knows what others think or feel

Can we please have less of the mental health services are rubbish rhetoric? Many of us who work in MH literally go above and beyond every day to prevent suicide. We worry outside of work hours about our service users and try everything possible to encourage them to keep themselves safe. Do you know how it feels to log on your computer in the morning to see that someone you supported for years has died by suicide? It's crushing.

We should be able to discuss this topic tho rather than just delete
I've felt that way before about I just couldn't cope with the pain and sadness, thankfully I font feel remotely that way now. But it does scare me to think could you end up that way again

Because sometimes things are too much to handle. A few years ago I tried to kill myseld, I was in a middle of my divorce and ex husband was really awful, putting a lot of pressure on me, not doing his fair share with the kids, all the responsibilities were on me and I could not take it anymore and thought ending it up was the only solution. I could not foresee any other way, I just wanted to be free of all pain.

I’m so sorry.
I hope you can find the help and kindness you need right now .
If you are finding this thread unhelpful maybe it should be deleted?

I didn't at any point say that it is unavoidable. More putting words in my mouth than being respectful.

When a family member of mine died by suicide it was the lowest mental ill health, the kind where your brain is so unwell that you just don’t think logically anymore. They were paranoid, depressed, anxious, hopeless, just didn’t see anything to live for. Their brain was so out of kilter that life seemed like a living hell. It different in every case though, but the point was, when someone is that poorly mentally and emotionally, all the nice possessions and lovely family don’t matter as the messed up brain chemicals have taken over sensible thoughts.

Its a terrifying concept that somebody's mind can wander into that darkness.

I don't know what to say without offending anyone but I'm relieved you feel good now.

I was at my lowest during my 40s with perimenopause

Yes, agree with this.

My family member ended their life because they were worried about getting old/infirm/ill, needing care and having the choice taken away from them. Really really difficult for us all to understand but their decision.

Unless you have wanted to end your own life, it is hard to explain.
When those thoughts take over, anything positive in your life cannot be seen. You genuinely think that the world will be a better place without you. You feel like a burden. Your brain takes you to a place where you want to end the pain you are in, and you cannot see a way out.
As is often said it is a permanent solution to a temporary pain.
Taking into account your friend’s age being around menopause can be a huge issue for some women - Dr Louise Newson has often talked about women who have shown up to her clinics who are losing the will to live.
I know women who are no longer here, all accomplished, all with lovely families. But you can never know what a person is going through, or what they’ve been through. It is very sad when it happens, and people around are absolutely in the dark as to why it may have happened.
I count myself lucky to be here. Luckily, I got some very good help, and have things in place should I feel like that again.
It is still seen as a taboo and a shameful subject, sadly.
It is terrible for loved ones left behind. How do you explain to children that their mum has left them?
My friend’s daughter was just 12 when it happened. An only child. She actually works for charity now helping bereaved families, which helps people in crisis, too. She’s a remarkable young woman.
For so many people in crisis relying on the NHS, staff do their best but resources are stretched. Not decrying the work The Samaritans do, but for someone who is mentally ill this is the first place the NHS website sends you to. Which is really poor. They are a fantastic charity, but their staff aren’t psychiatrists.
This is just my experience. It is different for everyone but I can only say I’m glad I stayed.

It feels like not existing us the best option. I genuinely thought that everyone, as sad as they would be, would be better without me here. Even my lovely children. It is awful being at such a terribly low point. I am thankful I am still here and now very happy.

Frankly OP there is nothing for you to 'understand'.

You will never know what was going on in her life and in her head and why she did it.

I'm not talking about all suicide attempts, some will be meticulously planned. Nor am I trying to say there isn't a context of distress, suicidal thoughts and mental illness in the background of someone who has an impulse to act on suicidal thoughts - of course not. And a degree of planning in many cases (which is often course, a risk factor for completing suicide).

Only that many suicidal actions are not meticulously planned and in many cases suicide is impulsive. We tend to imagine that suicide has been carefully planned and that the person contemplating suicide is determined and won't be deterred. But that is not typical - and the myth that this is the average situation when someone attempts suicide actively costs lives through missed opportunities for suicide prevention. If somebody can be supported through a period of acute stress when the impulse to act on suicidal thoughts is high, they will often recover. Not always. But often. Please don't take my word for it but look at the research and suicide prevention resources provided by reputable suicide charities. I'm very sorry if you have lost anyone to suicide.

Likewise I think it is important not to reinforce the message that suicidal thoughts "can never be understood". People who are suicidal can be understood, they can be helped by others and they can navigate those feelings successfully, recover and come out the other side.