Can't stop obsessing over ex BIL

[ThisMellowFox]

Hi.

As title states - I have split with my ex husband ages ago. Looking back, my ex husband was the ugly sibling. Extremely thin lips, sickly pale, his nose was crooked sideways from having it broken. EXTREMELY squared face. Absolutely not a single really good quality physically - to top it off he was extremely abusive, eventually physically abusing me and cheating on me when i was 9 months pregnant.

I want to add for context I spoke to my ex husband online for 4 years from age 16-20 when I flew out to his country, married him and found myself pregnant within 2 weeks. I came back to the UK when I was 6 months pregnant and haven't seen him, or anyone in his family since as they live in the MENA region.

Postpartum was hell. I don't know why... but after birth I ended up obsessing over my ex BIL despite us only interacting once. Physically, he was the complete opposite of my ex - big lips extremely nicely shaped, small perfect nose - the type people get plastic surgery for. High cheekbones. Gorgeous eyes. just male model material.

I ended up beating myself up so severely for having a baby with my ex husband. I have plump lips, medium nose, lightskinned.
She ended up inheriting his almost paper thin lips... I'm scared she will inherit his very manly extremely square face. I keep thinking she looks like him, like I've ruined her, ruined myself, wasted myself on my ex, wasted myself having a baby with my ex.
My cousin had made sure to also point out i wasted my "genes" with my ex and how stupid I was and that made it so much worse. That month I almost crashed mentally.

These thoughts have become so deep and intense in the worst of my postpartum depression I reached a point I wanted to surrender my daughter due to... her resembling my ex so much... especially those lips. I don't even know why I fixated so much on them, but to this day, they bother me. They bother me less than before, but some days, I simply can't stop wishing I hadn't focused on being a "good girl", blindly devoted to my ex. I WISH i cheated on my ex with his brother. I WISH she carried his brothers features. At least if her looks were an upgrade... I'd feel like it was "worth it"... if that makes sense? I can't stop feeling like I wasted myself and was extremely stupid having a child with my ex husband. I don't know how to cope with feeling like my daughter is doomed. I can't stop checking ex BIL's social media pages, feeling awful that when he has a daughter she will be the beauty standard and have an amazing life that my daughter won't because I chose to procreate with his brother. I have spiralled so out of control I am contemplating reaching out to ex-BIL, flying out there, starting a crazy sort of affair, getting pregnant, and coming back to the UK... and that then, somehow me flying out in the first place will have been "worth it" because at least I'd get an extremely good looking child out of it... These thoughts have taken such a strong hold of me I think about them almost every single day for the past 2 years. I feel ashamed, but I can't stop beating myself up and obsessing over this.

I try to talk logic into myself. Even if I go over there and get pregnant with ex-BIL... wont that just make my life worse becoming a single mom of 2? having a pretty child wont make my life less difficult and how can it "pay off" with something as shallow as looks... but I just can't stop looking at pics of ex-BIL and trying to draw comparisons from him and my daughter, even though there are none. I am close to a mental collapse by how much my daughter resembles her dad, and his conventionally unattractive features. I guess its made worse by the fact he was abusive during my pregnancy, and eventually cheated and has never paid a penny towards our daughter.

Help guys. I dont know what to do. My daughter is around 2 and I have had these thoughts almost everyday since she was born and I feel them getting worse. At the worst of it I wanted to give her up so I can "try again"... for another child.... with the features I'd prefer.... or even giving her up, then trying again for another child by flying out to my ex's country to try for a baby with his brother. specifically his brother. it sounds SO shallow and insane and out of touch but I can't help it. In the worst of my postpartum depression it would get so bad I would outright reject her some days and my family stepped in. Those worst days have since passed - but the obsessive thoughts have not because a part of me truly believes them...

At the same time I spoil my daughter non stop, tell her everyday shes pretty, I have bought her more stufff than myself, I always place her first. I never let her know whats going on with me and how I feel about things. Shes extremely developed for a 2 year old, can speak quite a few phrases in full sentences, sing songs, count to 10, i have done my absolute best to pour the most affection into making sure she develops... childrens play groups.. and gues what... in all those childrens play groups i cant help but fixate on other baby girls especially if they have bigger lips than my daughter. and subconsciously automatically compare her to them. but never outloud or in a way to show my daughter... just all in my head...

is it possible for kids to be born with small lips and they grow and become big when the

i am becoming so depressed i can barely function at some times during the day, i dont know what to do and i dont think this will stop unless i either have a baby with my ex-bil or my daughter starts to magically get his features. i dont even know how id convince my ex-bil to have a kid with me unless i bribe him which would mean saving up money for it. but then id just end up a single mom of 2.... my kids would be half siblings half cousins... and the dads nowhere to be seen because theyd be a continent away.. like you see how insane this sounds... why would a sane woman consider this... yet for me im actually considering this some days more and more.

i just dont know what to do. i am feeling extremely insecure, crushed and depressed.

This is an incredible post in so many ways - partly the understanding of the outworking of op’s trauma, but also the huge potential for healing and joy that can come out of pain. In a funny way oP, your story would be less happy if your son DIDN’T look as much like your dad as he does.

I’m sorry for the years in which you suffered but so glad you have reached the place you are now at and I hope op’s trauma can follow a similar path.

Sorry first “ op” reference was really to @Oversharingnamechanged . But op her story is similar in that painful things that happened in the past can’t unhappen but we can take the present and the future and turn the influence of the past into something wonderful.

And op I know this has been said dozens of times on this thread, and I know people have said you won’t be able to take the idea on board but truly, your daughter’s looks don’t matter in the big picture. She is an innocent little girl who just needs her mummy to love and protect her in the here and now.

And in any case, looks change - and we may all see your dd as far, far prettier than any imaginary child of your BIL, because looks are subjective and often a reaction to influences that are unique to each of us.

I think her taking after her mother, and being shallow, selfish and self obsessed will hold her back in life far more. Poor child.

I just wanted to send you some love and support OP, you must feel so desperate to reveal your innermost thoughts and fears on a public forum.

The problem is that a lot of people responding will have no experience of OCD and intrusive thoughts and are taking your thoughts at face value, piling judgement and more fear onto your already distressed mind. In future, I'd advise you to be selective about who you talk to.

I've struggled with OCD for years and it has taken many forms including routines, rituals and various types of intrusive thoughts. One of the worst periods was when I developed the fear that my young daughter was a bad person - it was a terrifying time in my life with the intrusive thoughts and associated guilt/shame absolutely battering me to pieces. I remember saying to my husband that I'd rather someone chopped off both my legs than feel this way. The screaming compulsion at the time was to try and 'over-correct' everything she did to help her be a 'good' person. However, like you, I resisted and managed to control my outward behaviour because my sensible self (which often felt weak and powerless compared to the OCD) knew that this would damage her. I love her more than life itself and it was that love that gave me strength.

Use the love for your daughter and the love for yourself to build strength. Your thoughts are the result of your trauma and you need support to help you both understand and tackle these thoughts as well as to heal yourself.

Lots of new mothers suffering from OCD have intrusive negative (and terrifying!) thoughts about their children when suffering with postpartum anxiety. A common one is about harming their baby - back in the day, people would take the thoughts at face value 'ooh, be careful that you don't do something silly Ethel!' - but of course we never act on intrusive thoughts rooted in OCD becuase they're not part of us or our values or true beliefs, just a result of this shitty, painful condition.

Often OCD thoughts will tap into our pre-existing fears and insecurities - so if you are part of a culture that highly values beauty then it makes sense that it would latch onto that. For me, I have a very judgemental mother who's always criticising other parents and their children, so my insecurities were in this area instead - her attitude combined with physical abuse from my father laid some very fertile ground for my mental health struggles.

But there is a happy ending waitng for you OP! My daughter is now a wonderful, well-grounded 15-year old. I still love her more than life itself but she's not perfect and I'm ok with that. Occasionally I'll get a flicker of the old fear if she's a bit rude or tells a lie etc. but it's no more than that and we have a fantastic relationship. OCD is still a part my life but it's much quieter and I get lots of joy out of life. I also have a personal 'toolkit' which I can pull out if things get bad again, including a wonderful online therapist (please DM if you'd like his details).

I really do wish you and your daughter all the best OP, I haven't posted on Mumsnet for over 10 years but I couldn't read and run. I've shed a few tears writing this email but I really hope it has helped you to feel just a little better.

@FarmGirl78 I think that’s an unfair character assassination and unlikely to help the OP. She is clearly very mentally unwell at the moment, especially given she is receiving community mental health visits several times a week. It would be more useful to encourage her to continue to engage with professionals and get the help she needs for the obsessive spiral she is clearly currently experiencing. She presently has no insight to be able to address the things you are saying to her (along with a lot of others on this thread).

OP this unhealthy obsession is part of your OCD. If you ever did have a baby with the exs brother, you’d develop a new unhealthy OCD behaviour. You need to talk to your prescribing consultant and mental health professionals about this.

@FarmGirl78

I think her taking after her mother, and being shallow, selfish and self obsessed will hold her back in life far more. Poor child.

What a genuinely spiteful post. OP is clearly unwell. She has shared that she is under the care of mental health professionals and seeing them multiple times a week. This isn't a case of her being shallow and selfish and self obsessed. She is in the grips of a mental health crisis. It's very obvious.

Why would you post something so horrible?

Admittedly I replied before reaching all her posts so the extent of her MH issues wasn't fully apparant, but perhaps if counselling and rational explanation isn't working then the number of "WTF" posts might strike a cord that she's on the wrong track and she might have a chink of light that she needs to change something to do getting flack. I can't delete it, can't edit it, it's done. Should have read everything first, but didn't.

All of my 3 children were images of their father when they were young, as they’ve got older everyone says they look like me. But that’s beside the point. You need immediate help for these intrusive thoughts, please reach out to a professional in real life today.

Of course she hasn’t ’learned a thing’ - she’s posting to purge her thoughts, which in itself can be a symptom of OCD. She can’t be ‘set straight’ by posters on MN.

Rationality is not in the building, or if it’s in the building it cannot overcome the OVD. OP is quite simply not in control of her thoughts. She is getting mental health support, but even with good support there’s no quick fix available. There are medications and therapies that can help, but the degree to which they help is very much dependent on the individual.

OCD as a condition is insidious and persistent that can wax and wane throughout life, and the percentage of people that improve with long term treatment can be as low as 32%.

Wrong thread

This intrusive thought about your BIL's child doesn't make sense to most of us, and you actually know that it wouldn't work - you've explained why. Intrusive thoughts that try to make you do unreasonable things can be very harmful. You absolutely need to tell the psychiatrist when you see them about this and any other intrusive thoughts. Not just the CMHT but definitely the psychiatrist needs to know you are having these thoughts because it affects what medicines might help you.

Thank you so much for your kindness x