Can't stop obsessing over ex BIL

[ThisMellowFox]

Hi.

As title states - I have split with my ex husband ages ago. Looking back, my ex husband was the ugly sibling. Extremely thin lips, sickly pale, his nose was crooked sideways from having it broken. EXTREMELY squared face. Absolutely not a single really good quality physically - to top it off he was extremely abusive, eventually physically abusing me and cheating on me when i was 9 months pregnant.

I want to add for context I spoke to my ex husband online for 4 years from age 16-20 when I flew out to his country, married him and found myself pregnant within 2 weeks. I came back to the UK when I was 6 months pregnant and haven't seen him, or anyone in his family since as they live in the MENA region.

Postpartum was hell. I don't know why... but after birth I ended up obsessing over my ex BIL despite us only interacting once. Physically, he was the complete opposite of my ex - big lips extremely nicely shaped, small perfect nose - the type people get plastic surgery for. High cheekbones. Gorgeous eyes. just male model material.

I ended up beating myself up so severely for having a baby with my ex husband. I have plump lips, medium nose, lightskinned.
She ended up inheriting his almost paper thin lips... I'm scared she will inherit his very manly extremely square face. I keep thinking she looks like him, like I've ruined her, ruined myself, wasted myself on my ex, wasted myself having a baby with my ex.
My cousin had made sure to also point out i wasted my "genes" with my ex and how stupid I was and that made it so much worse. That month I almost crashed mentally.

These thoughts have become so deep and intense in the worst of my postpartum depression I reached a point I wanted to surrender my daughter due to... her resembling my ex so much... especially those lips. I don't even know why I fixated so much on them, but to this day, they bother me. They bother me less than before, but some days, I simply can't stop wishing I hadn't focused on being a "good girl", blindly devoted to my ex. I WISH i cheated on my ex with his brother. I WISH she carried his brothers features. At least if her looks were an upgrade... I'd feel like it was "worth it"... if that makes sense? I can't stop feeling like I wasted myself and was extremely stupid having a child with my ex husband. I don't know how to cope with feeling like my daughter is doomed. I can't stop checking ex BIL's social media pages, feeling awful that when he has a daughter she will be the beauty standard and have an amazing life that my daughter won't because I chose to procreate with his brother. I have spiralled so out of control I am contemplating reaching out to ex-BIL, flying out there, starting a crazy sort of affair, getting pregnant, and coming back to the UK... and that then, somehow me flying out in the first place will have been "worth it" because at least I'd get an extremely good looking child out of it... These thoughts have taken such a strong hold of me I think about them almost every single day for the past 2 years. I feel ashamed, but I can't stop beating myself up and obsessing over this.

I try to talk logic into myself. Even if I go over there and get pregnant with ex-BIL... wont that just make my life worse becoming a single mom of 2? having a pretty child wont make my life less difficult and how can it "pay off" with something as shallow as looks... but I just can't stop looking at pics of ex-BIL and trying to draw comparisons from him and my daughter, even though there are none. I am close to a mental collapse by how much my daughter resembles her dad, and his conventionally unattractive features. I guess its made worse by the fact he was abusive during my pregnancy, and eventually cheated and has never paid a penny towards our daughter.

Help guys. I dont know what to do. My daughter is around 2 and I have had these thoughts almost everyday since she was born and I feel them getting worse. At the worst of it I wanted to give her up so I can "try again"... for another child.... with the features I'd prefer.... or even giving her up, then trying again for another child by flying out to my ex's country to try for a baby with his brother. specifically his brother. it sounds SO shallow and insane and out of touch but I can't help it. In the worst of my postpartum depression it would get so bad I would outright reject her some days and my family stepped in. Those worst days have since passed - but the obsessive thoughts have not because a part of me truly believes them...

At the same time I spoil my daughter non stop, tell her everyday shes pretty, I have bought her more stufff than myself, I always place her first. I never let her know whats going on with me and how I feel about things. Shes extremely developed for a 2 year old, can speak quite a few phrases in full sentences, sing songs, count to 10, i have done my absolute best to pour the most affection into making sure she develops... childrens play groups.. and gues what... in all those childrens play groups i cant help but fixate on other baby girls especially if they have bigger lips than my daughter. and subconsciously automatically compare her to them. but never outloud or in a way to show my daughter... just all in my head...

is it possible for kids to be born with small lips and they grow and become big when the

i am becoming so depressed i can barely function at some times during the day, i dont know what to do and i dont think this will stop unless i either have a baby with my ex-bil or my daughter starts to magically get his features. i dont even know how id convince my ex-bil to have a kid with me unless i bribe him which would mean saving up money for it. but then id just end up a single mom of 2.... my kids would be half siblings half cousins... and the dads nowhere to be seen because theyd be a continent away.. like you see how insane this sounds... why would a sane woman consider this... yet for me im actually considering this some days more and more.

i just dont know what to do. i am feeling extremely insecure, crushed and depressed.

How did he physically abuse you at 9 months pregnant if you left him at 6 months? Hmmmm

If you had a bad experience with one brother why would you want to get with the other? That would only complicate your life and cause more problems.

You're lonely and not thinking straight. There are more than these two men in the world. Please try to find a therapist or support group. This is a strange fixation you have.

It's trash obv the cursing part, but since that's your train of thought.
Do you now want to doubly curse her? Not only with her dad's features but also with her mums absolute disappointment with her looks. A mum that compares her to every other girl? Who fantasizes a out another, prettier daughter? Who wants to give her up because of how she looks?
That pshycological rejection and dissatisfaction with your daughter is far worse than any physical feature..

You are mentally ill. Get yourself to a doctor immediately.

It doesn't matter how she looks or who she looks like. Don't be so shallow.
And obviously having another baby with the bil is so weird and messed up.
You need help. These are not normal thoughts or plans

A therapist would help you a lot. You were groomed by him since you were a teen. Then abandoned.
There has to be some trauma there.

Giving your daughter up might actually be for the best.

OCD feels real and can take on any theme. Look up an organisation on google or instagram called OCD Excellence they can help you. Also a charity called OCD action contact them. Don’t do just general talking therapy for this (perhaps for the trauma but not the OCD).

Your thinking is not right or normal. About the lips, the face shape. You need to talk to a professional.

I agree with everyone saying that everything you're thinking and saying is an expression of mental illness. You need to do more to get professional help. There are ways to get out of this spiral.

And I'd like to add that the most beautiful woman I know has hardly got any lips at all. She has three good looking children too.

Your daughter's appearance will change as she grows, stop fixating on her looks and don't complicate matters by contemplating an affair with ex brother in law. Move on from this family and concentrate on yourself and yr dd. If your always thinking about her appearance, distract yourself every time, even really attractive celebs have average looking children..it's just a genetic lottery.

You sound so self centered. I cant understand why you worry about your little girls looks its not as if she is deformed. You dont love her by the sound of it.

OP it is imperative you get help! I know you are on medication, you said you are with an perinatal team your daughter is now two are you still under their care or have they transferred you to a community mental health team? I'm no doctor it does sound like you are hyper focusing on your daughter's looks. Your rational thought process is blocked by OCD. You believe that you have failed your daughter by giving her "bad" genes. To everyone else this sounds so shallow and immature but for you this is a real issue. I strongly advise you get a hold of this I can't think of what will help you but you can't do nothing. You say your daughter doesn't know how you feel but you'd be surprised young children pick up on our emotions a lot more. If you don't get to the bottom of this you will end up resenting her. These feelings won't go away and you may have some control but what about when she gets older and you both have a disagreement you may let your feelings about her looks come out. You have an unhealthy outlook on beauty and again you need to get to the bottom of it for your daughter. I do worry about her it's sad to hear you feel this way.

You sound as if you are experiencing some sort of mental breakdown and unable to think logically.

I have a neighbour who rambled on about a topic in a similar fashion and she was hyper fixated and was eventually admitted.

Please get some support or look into sectioning for you and your daughters safety.
Like another poster said, take what you have written here and show your GP.

Everything will be OK you just need some time out and support.

Well OP this was hard to read I’m sorry I shouldn’t judge as it hard not to but I would suggest you need some sort of therapy to address your feelings and I don’t think it’s just the lips thats the issue I think you are having a really hard time accepting that your ex did you wrong when you was pregnant. I think the issue starts with how you was treated. He can’t be that ugly if you flew to a different country and had a baby by him I think you have a strong resentment towards him because of what he did.

You sounds entirely unhinged. Obsessing that your little daughter is ugly and expecting your ex-BIL who you don’t know to conceive another child with you.

Honestly, you should consider giving up your daughter to adoption for another family to cherish her. She is a lovely young girl who deserves to be adored. You sound unwell.

Also, genes work in strange ways. Plenty of very attractive celebrities have average and unattractive children. It works the opposite way too. Parental love shouldn’t be based on appearances.

Be aware that all those thoughts and feelings are generated entirely within your own mind, and only you can control that... I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist to talk about these things, otherwise it will be projected onto your daughter and may cause her psychological problems...

Yes, childrens' appearances can change quite radically at different points growing up, but you must learn to look past the superficiality and love your daughter for who she is, regardless of how she may or may not end up looking like.

I have reported the thread. OP you are clearly unwell suffering with OCD. Please can we all not post anything more, we are feeding the ocd.

Please see your GP or book in with a counsellor.
You sound very immature but it maybe due to childhood trauma where your family values people according to looks only.
Please note
Imagine you are dying
There are two people near you
One is a person with thin lips that is a paramedic that can save your life and the other is a man with thick lips that has no idea what to do.
A person is more than their lip size.
You may have body dysmorphia and may also have autism hence the intense obsessing. Either way you need real counselling which will take months.
Please reach out to your GP.

If this is real its incredibly depressing for the little girl, and I hope you get therapy to untangle your trauma of abuse from your daughters I heritage physical appearance or you stand in good stead to give her an best a complex, at worst an incredibly low self esteem which will have a knock on effect all her life, settling for potentially a wrong man, accepting unacceptable attention, or have severe dysmorphia. I hope so much that this isn't real and someone has too much time on their hands and that there isn't a little girl out therr whose face is so unloved ny their own mother.

And what if the next kid you have looks nothing like your ex bil but like you?! Would you be happy or would you want to try again?! Are you good looking in your own eyes?! What about your current partner, why aren’t you interested in having his kids?! I assume he is attractive to you or you wouldn’t be with him. Why this intense fascination with ex bil?! Is he just an extremely good looking man that you are obsessed with?! Bit like someone saying they would love to have babies with Chris Hemsworth. Got to be reasonable, it is highly unlikely to make a child trying to achieve good looks. Sometimes two really average looking people have stunning children, other times two really good looking people have average looking kids. These things are not in your control and obsessing about looks will get you no where! Also some good looking babies grow up quite average looking adults and some average looking babies look absolutely stunning as adults. Be happy if your child is healthy and happy, and let all the others thoughts go. Your worth is not defined by the beauty (or lack) of your child.

How old was your ex when you started speaking?

You said his appearance is repulsive? Did you willingly have sex?

The problem here isn't your daughter's features, the problem here is your unnatural response to how she looks.

That is why you need therapy OP. Please access help.

You do realise not everyone in life is drop dead gorgeous, right? Yet, everyone gets by just fine. Your daughter likely wouldn’t get along any better or worse if her looks were any different (for better or worse). You sound extremely young with a deformed view of the world and how people get along in it.

There may be deep rooted childhood trauma here.
Also from middle eastern and north African countries, there is alot of discrimination towards non beautiful women and children.
If you are a beautiful women you will be praised so much by family and friends as though you have been to war and back and saved a country. It's unreal how beauty is seen as success. It's sounds bizarre but even neighbour and grandparents in these sort of places will say whilst you are pregnant
" I hope you have a fair girl with beautiful large eyes and full lips"
Once the baby is born, they will judge appearance harshly. If she fits the social standards of beauty they will comment about how she is blessed and how getting her married will be easy that people will be dying to marry her. And if she doesn't fit the social beauty standards they will say, oh she has such thin lips and tiny eyes and it's such a shame as mum is so pretty. And all her life she will get bullied by her family and friends and feel like an outsider.

You really need mental help.