Can't stop obsessing over ex BIL

[ThisMellowFox]

Hi.

As title states - I have split with my ex husband ages ago. Looking back, my ex husband was the ugly sibling. Extremely thin lips, sickly pale, his nose was crooked sideways from having it broken. EXTREMELY squared face. Absolutely not a single really good quality physically - to top it off he was extremely abusive, eventually physically abusing me and cheating on me when i was 9 months pregnant.

I want to add for context I spoke to my ex husband online for 4 years from age 16-20 when I flew out to his country, married him and found myself pregnant within 2 weeks. I came back to the UK when I was 6 months pregnant and haven't seen him, or anyone in his family since as they live in the MENA region.

Postpartum was hell. I don't know why... but after birth I ended up obsessing over my ex BIL despite us only interacting once. Physically, he was the complete opposite of my ex - big lips extremely nicely shaped, small perfect nose - the type people get plastic surgery for. High cheekbones. Gorgeous eyes. just male model material.

I ended up beating myself up so severely for having a baby with my ex husband. I have plump lips, medium nose, lightskinned.
She ended up inheriting his almost paper thin lips... I'm scared she will inherit his very manly extremely square face. I keep thinking she looks like him, like I've ruined her, ruined myself, wasted myself on my ex, wasted myself having a baby with my ex.
My cousin had made sure to also point out i wasted my "genes" with my ex and how stupid I was and that made it so much worse. That month I almost crashed mentally.

These thoughts have become so deep and intense in the worst of my postpartum depression I reached a point I wanted to surrender my daughter due to... her resembling my ex so much... especially those lips. I don't even know why I fixated so much on them, but to this day, they bother me. They bother me less than before, but some days, I simply can't stop wishing I hadn't focused on being a "good girl", blindly devoted to my ex. I WISH i cheated on my ex with his brother. I WISH she carried his brothers features. At least if her looks were an upgrade... I'd feel like it was "worth it"... if that makes sense? I can't stop feeling like I wasted myself and was extremely stupid having a child with my ex husband. I don't know how to cope with feeling like my daughter is doomed. I can't stop checking ex BIL's social media pages, feeling awful that when he has a daughter she will be the beauty standard and have an amazing life that my daughter won't because I chose to procreate with his brother. I have spiralled so out of control I am contemplating reaching out to ex-BIL, flying out there, starting a crazy sort of affair, getting pregnant, and coming back to the UK... and that then, somehow me flying out in the first place will have been "worth it" because at least I'd get an extremely good looking child out of it... These thoughts have taken such a strong hold of me I think about them almost every single day for the past 2 years. I feel ashamed, but I can't stop beating myself up and obsessing over this.

I try to talk logic into myself. Even if I go over there and get pregnant with ex-BIL... wont that just make my life worse becoming a single mom of 2? having a pretty child wont make my life less difficult and how can it "pay off" with something as shallow as looks... but I just can't stop looking at pics of ex-BIL and trying to draw comparisons from him and my daughter, even though there are none. I am close to a mental collapse by how much my daughter resembles her dad, and his conventionally unattractive features. I guess its made worse by the fact he was abusive during my pregnancy, and eventually cheated and has never paid a penny towards our daughter.

Help guys. I dont know what to do. My daughter is around 2 and I have had these thoughts almost everyday since she was born and I feel them getting worse. At the worst of it I wanted to give her up so I can "try again"... for another child.... with the features I'd prefer.... or even giving her up, then trying again for another child by flying out to my ex's country to try for a baby with his brother. specifically his brother. it sounds SO shallow and insane and out of touch but I can't help it. In the worst of my postpartum depression it would get so bad I would outright reject her some days and my family stepped in. Those worst days have since passed - but the obsessive thoughts have not because a part of me truly believes them...

At the same time I spoil my daughter non stop, tell her everyday shes pretty, I have bought her more stufff than myself, I always place her first. I never let her know whats going on with me and how I feel about things. Shes extremely developed for a 2 year old, can speak quite a few phrases in full sentences, sing songs, count to 10, i have done my absolute best to pour the most affection into making sure she develops... childrens play groups.. and gues what... in all those childrens play groups i cant help but fixate on other baby girls especially if they have bigger lips than my daughter. and subconsciously automatically compare her to them. but never outloud or in a way to show my daughter... just all in my head...

is it possible for kids to be born with small lips and they grow and become big when the

i am becoming so depressed i can barely function at some times during the day, i dont know what to do and i dont think this will stop unless i either have a baby with my ex-bil or my daughter starts to magically get his features. i dont even know how id convince my ex-bil to have a kid with me unless i bribe him which would mean saving up money for it. but then id just end up a single mom of 2.... my kids would be half siblings half cousins... and the dads nowhere to be seen because theyd be a continent away.. like you see how insane this sounds... why would a sane woman consider this... yet for me im actually considering this some days more and more.

i just dont know what to do. i am feeling extremely insecure, crushed and depressed.

@Unknowndepths You sound more of a danger than OP, who at least may be suffering from mental unwellness rather than weird entitlement. Neither your age nor childfree status excuse this. In fact both mean you should know better.

@ThisMellowFox you are deeply unwell. This is your OCD. The only thing that will harm your child long term is you remaining this unwell and obsessive. Get help. Do not stop asking until you are getting the support you need.

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OP you remind me of someone I knew who developed an obsession with one of her physical characteristics for a period - she would rant or wail for hours about how she hated X about herself, how she would always be ugly, how ever could she fix it, etc etc. and work herself up to misery about it.

Of course, there was nothing particularly wrong with her looks at all, or with that feature in particular, but she was going through a difficult time, and looking back I suspect it was actually depression or something of that nature that caused her to fixate on this one characteristic and express all her unhappiness via that thing. In time, it passed and she now has a fairly normal relationship with her body/looks (as much as any of us are happy with ourselves, at least!).

What you have described sounds a bit similar - as though you are funnelling all your wider unhappiness, your bad experiences with your ex, your loneliness I suspect?, and your anxiety into this one thing, and becoming obsessed with this one, small and, very likely, imaginary characteristic of your poor daughter.

It really sounds as though you could do with some therapy to work through your real feelings, how to recognise them for what they actually are, deal with them in a more healthy way and stop projecting them into worrying about your daughter in this way. Please speak to your GP about this, tell them all of what you have said above and I hope you can get some support to ease your concerns and help you get back to your normal self and start enjoying life with your daughter.

I’m going to be the kind one here.
you have a negatively associated trauma of him and your daughter; the resemblance is your trigger, you are right by keeping the thoughts to yourself as one day when you get therapy and talk these things through , you’ll regret saying them out loud to your daughter, so please don’t obsess in front of her.
try the opposite - call them beautiful, call her beautiful. She is beautiful. Inside and out. As are you.
say this over and over everyday and eventually you’re brain will automatically say this and rewrite itself.
Well done for saying these things on here- everyone gets bad intrusive thinking- god your thoughts are nowhere near as bad as what some mothers experience in post partum. And don’t stress about what she looks like now, girls can grow to be more like there mother. Either way she is your daughter and you’ve raised her,
you don’t need another baby to fix you or your thoughts or your current family life. Focus on getting the right therapy, addressing the raw nasty thoughts and rebuilding your inner monologue to be kinder towards yourself and your daughters appearance. X

This thread should be reported. If real, attacking a clearly mentally unwell person online is horrible. Keyboard warriors at their best once again.

You are not thinking rationally because you are not mentally well. You have become fixated and the obsession is now dominating every moment of your life. That is not normal or healthy,

To be honest, the fact that what you are talking about is so unpleasant is neither here nor there. You need help to get yourself out of this loop of irrational and dangerous thinking.

I can tell you this OP. Once you are better (which can only happen if you seek professional help), You will look back on this time in disbelief. You will look at your daughter and see a beautiful girl, and when you recall that you considered getting on a plane to try and impregnate yourself with someone you only met once, and you won't recognise yourself or the 'logic' of these insane thoughts.

Noone on here can help you.
Nobody is going to tell you to go to this other country and try and get pregnant in the hope of having a 'different' child who may or may not come into existence. Who may or may not be born healthy. Who may or may not be more 'aesthetically pleasing' and who may or may not have fuller lips...
That is crazy talk.

Get yourself to a GP in the morning. Seriously, you and your little girl are in danger whilst you are spiralling like this. You need help with these intrusive thoughts. That is a recognised problem and there is help available. Good luck OP

Get help for your daughter's sake. Or give her up if you won't. She does not deserve to be punished for your obsession.

Please share YOUR qualifications if you’re going to criticise me.

What attracted you to your ex husband initially? I wonder if you’re thinking back on him, knowing what you know now, and how abusive he was, and that makes him seem ugly to you in a way that you didn’t see at the start.
it reminds me of that Roald Dahl quote from Matilda.
I believe you love your daughter very much. For example you’re talking about your fears for her future. She has some of his features but she is not him. She is her own person, wonderful, unique and beautiful.
I think therapy would be helpful for you to see her with fresh eyes and see what a special and beautiful little girl she is.

Your intrusive thoughts are bubbling to a scary point @ThisMellowFox ypu really need to get help .
i think it’s a trauma reaction from the abuse.
I honesty couldn’t believe what I was reading .
No judgement though as I believe you are ill and need support.
Please go to your doctor

Have a bun.

Just as an aside on the bizarre "wish I'd cheated with my bil cause his kids would be pretty;.

A..no guarantee of that, it's a lottery what genes and looks come through in kids

B. What makes you think he'd have cheated with you, you met him once (?)

He might have some morals.

He might have some sense and not want to *shit on his doorstep". What do you think his relationship would be like with his entire family if it was ever discovered he'd cheated with his brother's wife? How much do you think their parents would appreciate him fucking up their family dynamic for life?

What country are they in? He'd probably get some rather nasty punishment for cheating with a married woman, let alone his brother's wife .... Don't you think that might be a thought in his head?

Was he even single?! If not, so you assume he's an adulterer too. No loyalty, no integrity (along with shagging his brother's woman), no fear of the consequences of that either?

The whole thing is beyond bizarre.

You have a little child, whether the relationship worked out with the Dad or not. She'll end up looking however she ends up looking, her looks are not the all important thing. If she, not you, is deeply unhappy with the shape of her lips when she grows up, she can get fillers (she'd be better not to, but whatever). If she's deeply unhappy with other aspects of her looks, there are options. But better to build someone who values things other than just looks. Better to build up a smart, confident young woman who finds stuff that fulfils her in life.

She's owed decency and care and respect and love.
She already had one shit parent - who sounds like an abuser and who presumably she doesn't really know.

You're talking as if you really believe this is an option. Your BIL isn't going sleep with you. Why would he? You married a man you'd never met, got pregnant right away, then left him 6 months later. He's not going to want to have a child with you. You're his brother's batshit crazy ex.

I don't know how you can so confidently claim that these obsessive thoughts aren't related to your OCD. Of course it is. Tens of thousands of women regret having children with their exes. They don't hyperfocus on their children's lips because of it. Your reaction is not normal. It is not because you regret getting with your ex. It is your mental illness that is causing this. Forget your stupid plan to get pregnant again by a stranger and focus on addressing your mental health problems. For your daughter's sake.

Genetics don’t always work like this. You could have a child with your ex BIL and they might inherit genes which develop the same features your existing child has. As others have suggested you are displaying classic OCD and need urgent MH support not flying off to have a baby which could look just like your existing child what would that solve and indeed how would it make your existing child feel ?

No, I don't want to replace my daughter but want to just simply stop feeling so extreemely bad about the fact she has my exs features. And that possibly having a prettier kid with my ex BIL might somehow help those feelings because it will mean me going abroad and getting pregnant and all that happened wasnt all just to end up with a baby that looks exactly like my ex. specifically my ex. and just one baby. if that makes sense. :( i feel extremely anxious, insecure about my daughters features/

I don't know how you can so confidently claim that these obsessive thoughts aren't related to your OCD. Of course it is. Tens of thousands of women regret having children with their exes. They don't hyperfocus on their children's lips because of it. Your reaction is not normal. It is not because you regret getting with your ex. It is your mental illness that is causing this.

This x 100.

When you started speaking to your husband at the age of 16, did you never see a photo of him ? no videos, no facetime etc. ?
so you didn't realise he was ugly.

When you gave birth, and realised that you thought/felt your daughter looks like her father, why didn't you put her up for adoption ?
as it's quite clear you can't stand to look at her and you resent her for her looks no matter how many toys you buy to compensate.

You only stayed with your husband for 6.5 months ?
and he allowed you to remove his child from the country she was born in ?

and you seriously think you could have had an affair with his brother ?

has he even ever indicated to you that he would ever be interested in having sex with you ?

your poor child.

Op..I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I think, the fact that you were groomed at 16 and coerced into an abusive relationship is heavily affecting your thoughts and how you view your daughter and I think obsessing about her looks and your bil are part of your ocd triggered by the trauma you have been through. I can relate to regretting something so much that you somehow want to do it all over again even if it doesn't make sense. I had an abortion that I felt very guilty about and for years I dreamt about having an affair with someone unavailable e.g. with a married man but this time having my baby. I think your bil is like that, an attempt to somehow redo the last few years. Please like others have said do get help. For your sake ajd for your daughter's sake.

It must be hard seeing your abusive ex in your daughter's face and being reminded of him every day. You know it's not her fault and she is not him. Genes are just a part of what we are. Nurture, ie how you bring her up will play a much bigger role in who she becomes. Also, most kids look like their dads when they are very young and then change later. (Apparently evolutionary it makes sense for them to look like their fathers so their fathers take care of them though not sure how much evidence there is for that). My kids were both the spitting kmage of my husband when born but now look less and less like him. Also, I think, once you make some sort of peace with your past your daughter will not look so much like your ex anymore to you. Be kind to yourself. What happened wasn't ideal but you were young and groomed. It wasn't your fault. What matters is your daughter now and that you are the best mother you can be to her and i can see that you are trying to be that. Get help for yourself and don't make things worse by contacting your bil. Best of luck.

It won't help. All that would do it leave you resenting the new childs father, more so if the genetic lottery doesn't play ball and she inherits genes from grandparents etc. The only thing that is going to help you and your daughter is medical help.

Have you considered the fact that even if your plan did work, you're obviously going to favour the new child over your existing one, the one you have shunned at times in the past due to these feelings, and that that is an incredibly cruel premeditated position to put your innocent daughter in?

I understand, first hand, the often common thought process of people severely mentally unwell, that if they just 'obtain X, Y or Z' that this will fix everything. It doesn't. They move on to the next thing to fixate on obtaining.

Where abouts in the UK are you, OP? Wondering if theres any services locally to you that I can direct you to, to help. I wish you, and especially your baby, all the best in your road to recovery. I very much hope it's soon.

yes, a part of me as i mentioned sometimes wonders if i flew off, had a baby with ex-bil... wether that baby has gets the features from my ex-bil i want or the same exact features as my ex due to recessive genes.... in either scenario id end up a single mom of 2 kids... who are siblings/cousins... and postpartum was so depressing for me.... i wonder why do i feel like this when realistically it can't be a solution. even if id get a very beautiful second child... raising them, day to day, for 18 yrs as a single mom... makes me feel so anxious and depressed. its like im stuck in a loop of constantly feeling bad, insecure, anxious, trying to come up with solutions or seeking reassurance and then just feeling bad again.

i mean what would be the point when i realise what i described in reality sounds like a very sure way to trainwreck someones life, but i cant stop thinking about potential baby with ex-bil and their features! :(
i
its not even that i dont love current dd, i spend all i have on her, spend as much time as possible, have made sure she develops more than well for her age, i love her, and at this point id never give her up. her lips dont affect my love for her but they are also a point of insecurity, anxiety, fixation for me if that makes sense. and non stop "what if i just had her with ex bil" instead of ex. oh my god. the what ifs take up at least 30min a day which then leads me to non stop compare dd pics with ex-bil and really hope i see similarities then calm down then back to feeling insecure and anxious again.

so i started feeling a second child with ex-bil would be the solution, even if it sounds insane.

You are sick!!!!!Get help!

Registered midwife for over 30 years with extensive work in the perinatal mental health team.
What's your qualifications?

MENA = Middle East/North Africa. Some organisations that split the world into regions have a MENA office.

You sometimes also see EMEA, for Europe/Middle East/Africa (for example, a US company with the Americas, EMEA, and Asia as three regions).

How do you think your daughter will feel if you did give birth to his brother's child, and if it were a girl and she turned out ' in your eyes ' to be prettier than your oldest daughter

pretty shit i would think.

Please get help from a qualified professional, you need it! And stop obsessing on your childs looks, you obviously found your ex good looking enough to travel across the world to meet him and have sex with him. It is just that now things have not worked out you are only seeing negatives. I suggest you try to distract yourself from these thoughts, your daughter will grow up into a beautiful young lady and looks change all the time. I know someone whose kid had huge elephant like ears and everyone made a comment of how the child inherited it from her father. She is now a young adult and her ears are fine and less obvious with her long hair. She is an extremely attractive young lady but looked totally different as a child. So please focus on other things and her true beauty will come with time. She is her own person, not your ex.