Can't stop obsessing over ex BIL

[ThisMellowFox]

Hi.

As title states - I have split with my ex husband ages ago. Looking back, my ex husband was the ugly sibling. Extremely thin lips, sickly pale, his nose was crooked sideways from having it broken. EXTREMELY squared face. Absolutely not a single really good quality physically - to top it off he was extremely abusive, eventually physically abusing me and cheating on me when i was 9 months pregnant.

I want to add for context I spoke to my ex husband online for 4 years from age 16-20 when I flew out to his country, married him and found myself pregnant within 2 weeks. I came back to the UK when I was 6 months pregnant and haven't seen him, or anyone in his family since as they live in the MENA region.

Postpartum was hell. I don't know why... but after birth I ended up obsessing over my ex BIL despite us only interacting once. Physically, he was the complete opposite of my ex - big lips extremely nicely shaped, small perfect nose - the type people get plastic surgery for. High cheekbones. Gorgeous eyes. just male model material.

I ended up beating myself up so severely for having a baby with my ex husband. I have plump lips, medium nose, lightskinned.
She ended up inheriting his almost paper thin lips... I'm scared she will inherit his very manly extremely square face. I keep thinking she looks like him, like I've ruined her, ruined myself, wasted myself on my ex, wasted myself having a baby with my ex.
My cousin had made sure to also point out i wasted my "genes" with my ex and how stupid I was and that made it so much worse. That month I almost crashed mentally.

These thoughts have become so deep and intense in the worst of my postpartum depression I reached a point I wanted to surrender my daughter due to... her resembling my ex so much... especially those lips. I don't even know why I fixated so much on them, but to this day, they bother me. They bother me less than before, but some days, I simply can't stop wishing I hadn't focused on being a "good girl", blindly devoted to my ex. I WISH i cheated on my ex with his brother. I WISH she carried his brothers features. At least if her looks were an upgrade... I'd feel like it was "worth it"... if that makes sense? I can't stop feeling like I wasted myself and was extremely stupid having a child with my ex husband. I don't know how to cope with feeling like my daughter is doomed. I can't stop checking ex BIL's social media pages, feeling awful that when he has a daughter she will be the beauty standard and have an amazing life that my daughter won't because I chose to procreate with his brother. I have spiralled so out of control I am contemplating reaching out to ex-BIL, flying out there, starting a crazy sort of affair, getting pregnant, and coming back to the UK... and that then, somehow me flying out in the first place will have been "worth it" because at least I'd get an extremely good looking child out of it... These thoughts have taken such a strong hold of me I think about them almost every single day for the past 2 years. I feel ashamed, but I can't stop beating myself up and obsessing over this.

I try to talk logic into myself. Even if I go over there and get pregnant with ex-BIL... wont that just make my life worse becoming a single mom of 2? having a pretty child wont make my life less difficult and how can it "pay off" with something as shallow as looks... but I just can't stop looking at pics of ex-BIL and trying to draw comparisons from him and my daughter, even though there are none. I am close to a mental collapse by how much my daughter resembles her dad, and his conventionally unattractive features. I guess its made worse by the fact he was abusive during my pregnancy, and eventually cheated and has never paid a penny towards our daughter.

Help guys. I dont know what to do. My daughter is around 2 and I have had these thoughts almost everyday since she was born and I feel them getting worse. At the worst of it I wanted to give her up so I can "try again"... for another child.... with the features I'd prefer.... or even giving her up, then trying again for another child by flying out to my ex's country to try for a baby with his brother. specifically his brother. it sounds SO shallow and insane and out of touch but I can't help it. In the worst of my postpartum depression it would get so bad I would outright reject her some days and my family stepped in. Those worst days have since passed - but the obsessive thoughts have not because a part of me truly believes them...

At the same time I spoil my daughter non stop, tell her everyday shes pretty, I have bought her more stufff than myself, I always place her first. I never let her know whats going on with me and how I feel about things. Shes extremely developed for a 2 year old, can speak quite a few phrases in full sentences, sing songs, count to 10, i have done my absolute best to pour the most affection into making sure she develops... childrens play groups.. and gues what... in all those childrens play groups i cant help but fixate on other baby girls especially if they have bigger lips than my daughter. and subconsciously automatically compare her to them. but never outloud or in a way to show my daughter... just all in my head...

is it possible for kids to be born with small lips and they grow and become big when the

i am becoming so depressed i can barely function at some times during the day, i dont know what to do and i dont think this will stop unless i either have a baby with my ex-bil or my daughter starts to magically get his features. i dont even know how id convince my ex-bil to have a kid with me unless i bribe him which would mean saving up money for it. but then id just end up a single mom of 2.... my kids would be half siblings half cousins... and the dads nowhere to be seen because theyd be a continent away.. like you see how insane this sounds... why would a sane woman consider this... yet for me im actually considering this some days more and more.

i just dont know what to do. i am feeling extremely insecure, crushed and depressed.

100% Agreed.

I'm not in any way medically qualified in mental health - other than the care of severely mentally unwell loved one for many years, with delusions, psychotic episodes, fixation, obsessive behaviour etc - and this is about the most real example of this kind of illness that I have ever read.

The poor OP is absolutely in a mental health crisis. Harsh words won't help. We can suggest all day long to her to access help, but she's unlikely to listen because of the strength of the delusion. Whilst I understand users being frustrated with her/what they're reading - this is exactly what mental illness does to a person. It's not her talking - it's her illness.

It makes it non the less extremely concerning though, and this woman needs intervention. Bless her. What an awful time, for both her and her daughter.

I dont believe id favour the new child over my current dd, but i would definitely feel a sense of relief... thats what im starting to think sometimes. but like you say that would be dependant on if the new child would inherit ex-bils looks... and if they didn't .. and lets say they favoured recessive genes and end up looking like my ex again as theyre brothers... id end up feeling doubly worse in this situation and even more insecure, anxious and spiral into a heavier depression. but its like in my brain i feel like its almost impossible things will go wrong if i just potentially have a baby with ex-bil. like its seriously impossible for things to go wrong and ill feel so much relief after... this causes me to obsessively keep going over this point. the 2 brothers look NOTHING alike, complete opposites which fuels this belief that if i just have a baby with ex-bil who looks similar to him i will finally feel relieved and happy.

And that possibly having a prettier kid with my ex BIL might somehow help those feelings because it will mean me going abroad and getting pregnant and all that happened wasnt all just to end up with a baby that looks exactly like my ex. specifically my ex. and just one baby. if that makes sense.

No. It doesn't make sense. Not in any way at all. It's completely irrational. Which is why you need to seek help so you can stop hyperfixating on irrational thoughts like having another child with your ex's brother and that the size of your daughter's lips will somehow dictate her success or value in life.

“SO shallow and insane”@ThisMellowFox
you said it yourself. Stop obsessing over your daughter’s looks. She is just as worthy of love and respect as anyone else. Why can’t you love her and get on with raising her to the best of your ability? She is just as much you as she is your ex, no matter what she looks like. Be grateful she is healthy. You are blessed to have her.

I think you need some sertraline from the GP, or a higher dose if you are in medication already. This will help ease your obsessive thoughts and lift your mood.

Please know that your daughter is perfect just the way she is. She is not your ex, she’s a different person and unique just as every child is.

I already have an appointment next week and sometime this week I will be having my mental health community nurse visit. I guess I will tell her about these feelings but its very difficult for me to sort of also say it out loud to people who aren't family because its outright embarassing. I didn't think that my obsession with ex-BIL could be a part of my ocd, because it feels very real that i will finally get relief if i potentially have a child with ex-bil or my daughter starts looking like him more (nothing wrong if she doesnt) but i just dislike the fact she inherited ex's features.

i also at the same time feel dread at the thought of going to another continent, getting impregnated by ex-bil, all to be a single mom and seriously struggle to move on as a single mom of 2 kids... because that sounds like a sure way to train wreck your life... like doing all the motions of pregnancy and childrearing, all alone.

this whole situation and cycle just makes me want to break down and cry. i dont even think id want a long term romantic relationship with ex bil, just his child with his features.

All those feelings and thought processes you have described are so classically mental health related OP.

As another poster said, there is help out there. There is someone out there that can help you. You need to be responsible for asking for that help though. I hate to say it, but there may come a time when you have no choice in the matter.

You would be surprised how these can spiral even worse and cause people to do terrible things, things you would never do in a mentally well state. You have such a responsibly to your daughter, above even yourself right now, to seek that help.

You also deserve to feel well again. But if not for you, for your daughter, you must do it.

You can talk and think in circles about this all day long as you have the last two years, it's not going to get any better by indulging in those thoughts. Since they're intrusive, you need help to manage these. Where roughly in the UK are you based OP? I can post some links to services you can access in your area.

the thing no one gets here on threads is that i DO love her or i would've given up full custody of her to my ex when he asked for it. I do raise her to the best of my ability and tell her how pretty she is every day and never try to make her feel bad.

the first year post partum depression was a nightmare for me where i did have a phase of wanting to give her up and reject her and id have breakdowns every other day just crying. but that phase has passed.

right now i just keep wishing she looks like ex-bil and dislike the fact she looks like my ex, and dont know how to stop wishing she looks like my ex-bil/less like my ex. :(

Is this an AI post?

I can't say I have ever assessed the size of someone's lips.

Don't be embarrassed to discuss this with the people there to help you. I know it's easier said than done, but honestly, I can promise you they will not be in any way surprised, they will not shame you in any shape or form, they will have seen/heard similar and worse before - you will not be bringing something to the table, that they have not assisted aiding someone else with.

They are there for 100% this reason. They can't help you if they don't know about it.

You have nothing to lose by sharing this with them.

but want to just simply stop feeling so extreemely bad about the fact she has my exs features

You are possibly looking for and therefore seeing his features, and not seeing your own. You are fixating on that.

Even if she does resemble him more than you
At this time, that could change. Children's looks change as they grow up. You have no idea what she'll look like until she's a young adult.

Anyway, what of she does end up resembling him and not you (equally) ...... So what??!!

You got into a relationship with him, your didn't use contraception/it failed .... Your relationship didn't work out, he's a horrible dickhead (the world has plenty of them) .....You have a child

She's here, she's a person, she's your child, her looks DON'T FUCKING MATTER.

Her being healthy and growing up happy; are what matters.

Having a child with your ex bil (which is an bizarre idea, utterly bizarre on a number of fronts; can you not see what those fronts might be?) wouldn't undo or make better the fact that your relationship with your child's Dad didn't work out, that he's an abuser, that he's a shit person .....it wouldn't change any of that. It wouldn't make right any of that.

You need to come e to terms with that ...Instead of thinking about bizarre fantasies in which you make your experience in their country better or worthwhile by having a "pretty child".

I don't know how to express how weird/crazy that comes across.

And let's just explore the fantasy scenario.... You go back to x country, you get in touch with ex bil, against all good sense and morals and appropriateness, he shags you, he doesn't bother with contraception, he shags you enough times for you to fall pregnant;

Presuming he's single, what happens next?

Do you think you two will get married cause you're pregnant, so he'll marry the same woman his brother was married to (!) Then he'll raise his nephew as his step son in a household with his child. You two will be trying to explain how mummy used to be married to Uncle whoever and their older sister is actually his child (and also his/her cousin, as well.as half sister!).
You think your ex bil.would be up for a situation like that?
You think the wider family will be onboard?
Or is the ex bil also supposed to jettison his entire family to marry and raise a kid with his brother's ex wife and mother of his child (who he's now with, having gone from meeting her once to shagging her a few times).

Or are are you going to return home when you're pregnant and not pursue a relationship or cohabiting situation with your ex bil, now baby daddy no 2 .... And raise the half siblings/cousins (!) on your own. And explain to them their Dads are brothers, neither of which you had a long-term relationship with ...and neither are on the scene?

What if this baby doesn't come out sufficiently pretty?
What if they aren't conventionally cute? What if they have a disability? What if they are autistic?

Are you going to want another child to "make that right"? Another tool/doll/object.

Kids aren't things for you to work out your issues though, you know??

They are people.

I didn't think that my obsession with ex-BIL could be a part of my ocd, because it feels very real that i will finally get relief if i potentially have a child with ex-bil or my daughter starts looking like him more (nothing wrong if she doesnt) but i just dislike the fact she inherited ex's features.

Okay, this is the irrational part of your brain talking. Can you see that talking about "getting relief" from obsessive thoughts is very much part of your OCD when you write it down like that?

Can you see how you're glossing over massive gaps in the story you're telling yourself? Like, what makes you think your BIL is even going to want to impregnate you? Even if he did, what makes you think your child would be a girl?

Or how do you think you'd ever explain to your daughter that you went back to her father's country and slept with her uncle so you could have a baby with fuller lips to make up for her thin ones? You know you couldn't ever make it make sense to her, because it doesn't make sense.

its very difficult for me to sort of also say it out loud to people who aren't family because its outright embarassing.

The reason it feels embarrassing is because you know in your logical, healthy part of your mind that it's irrational, but that's WHY you need to say it out loud, because then you can get some help to make it stop.

i also at the same time feel dread at the thought of going to another continent, getting impregnated by ex-bil, all to be a single mom and seriously struggle to move on as a single mom of 2 kids... because that sounds like a sure way to train wreck your life... like doing all the motions of pregnancy and childrearing, all alone.

Here's your logical, healthy part of your mind showing up again. You know that your obsessive thoughts aren't right but you're in a battle with your illness. You need to listen to this part of your mind and not the one that's telling you to do things that are dramatic and nonsensical.

I already have a mental health team/community mental health nurse that check up on me, I had a talk with her earlier in the day yesterday and she'll be popping in later today. She attends/visits me 1-2x a week since the past 2-3 weeks... i also have my psychiatrist im seeing next week as im switching to different antideprssants... I just didn't think this was OCD related and just started to feel a sense of despair, especially since outwardly ive sort of moved on... in a new relationship... stopped pestering my family with this topic as much as i used to... but i have moments like last night where i just sometimes get so upset, almost depressed over this topic and overwhelmed. and just wonder if the right thing to do might actually be to just have ex-bils baby and just to vent about this fixation i have. i didnt see how antidepressants or talking therapy will get me to stop wanting a baby with my ex-bil because that baby wouldve been drop dead gorgeous.... and might somewhat make me feel relieved.... ofc on the other side would trainwreck my life and id be a single mom and struggle on my own with 2 kids with dads who are brothers, in a different continent.

because it feels very real that i will finally get relief

Isn't that exactly what OCD is? The obsessive compulsion to do something because it will bring relief. Whether that means washing your hands, flicking a light switch 100 times, cleaning etc, you do it because you're in so much turmoil over something that you need the relief from completing that "goal".

In this case, you have an obsessive compulsion to complete the goal of having a baby with ex-BIL because you believe it will bring you relief. But completing these tasks never actually fixes anything. It doesn't change anything. The thoughts and compulsions will return unless you get treatment.

What an awful mother , your poor daughter has no hope

because that baby wouldve been drop dead gorgeous

You. Don't. Know. This. It's just a story you are telling yourself. There are plenty of amazing-looking celebrity couples out there who have children who are very ordinary-looking.

By having your child you’ve “wasted your genes”?!!! Wow that poor child

As a total aside - is your ex BIL even single?
If not, what makes you so sure he'd cheat, repeatedly, without protection?

What makes you so sure he'd have sex with a woman his brother was married to, had sex with, impregnated etc. (do you not think some men night find that icky?!),

What makes you think you ex bil would risk doing that and being found out by his brother or wider family - resulting in years of tension, at best?

What makes you think he'd risk pregnancy in the circumstances?

What makes you think he wouldn't be extremely suspicious if your motives in approaching him, his brother's short term ex wife and child mother, whose marriage broke down very quickly) for sex?

What makes you think he'd find it so impossible to turn down sex with you (with all of the above issues) when he's apparently cute/handsome/attractive and could probably get sexual opportunities if he wanted them?

OP kindly, I'm not going to indulge in discussing, again, and again, and again with you, the object of your fixation. We all know, you have posted it several times. Repeating it will not relieve your symptoms, thoughts or get anyone to agree with you.

I understand repeating it over and over again can be a way of expressing this and getting it out of your system, but we can't keep responding to the same thing over and over again I'm afraid. Perhaps it would help release the severity of what your feeling now, into a notebook, as many times as needed, to ease the distress?
We are here for you, but I'm certainly not going to indulge in continually discussing the object of your fixation because that will not help, it is only encouraging it and I think you're gaining something out of this.

Please talk to your community nurse tomorrow about this. From now on I'll only be able to respond to these bits, not repeated talk of your ex BIL. We've all given you your answer on the latter, and I'll only respond to the talk about the help you're accessing, not any more repeat about your plans.

Yep.

You have zero idea how the child would look for sure, or what physical or mental issues they might have or not.

And it's also incredibly shallow and superficial.

I have honestly reached a point in my thoughts that it wouldn't have mattered wether the baby would be a girl or boy, as long as they would be a mix of me/bil's features with a favour to his... sort of like an having his kid at all costs... and yes.. when id speak to my cousin, hed just outright tell me that why would ex-bil do anything with an estranged ex-wife of his brother... but that just makes me panic, and wish i had made sure he was the father to current dd and feel awful, and beat myself up if that makes sense. and go back to overthinking, thinking in 100 different ways of how i could have done things differently or how i could fly out and just do things... i dont even know how this all started. it just started with her having very visibly different features to me - her lips (mine are full) and taking after her father who has very thin ones. i started to feel insecure for her as shes a girl after about a month when things irrepairably broke down with ex... when i was pregnant, i NEVER had these thoughts... especially about lips...

also even if this is ocd, if i could guarantee that i wouldn't be a struggling single mom of 2 after having his kid... id do it... if it makes sense :(... ii dont know as im struggling with these thoughts. I just feel like i have the perfect chance to have an extremely good looking child and its slipping through my fingers if i let this idea go to bed and it somewhy causes so much anxiety. that going to a mena country, getting pregnant, becoming a single mom, i just ruined mylife and my daughter just will suffer looking like my ex on top. and i have basically in a way also failed, because i failed in picking a good father for the next gen of my kids.... and everything was in vain... its like the looks of the next kid will be something to hold on to with pride if that makes sense :(

When you love someone you accept them for who they are. You are not accepting of your daughter for WHO SHE IS. So what if she looks like your ex? You shouldn’t give two hoots about what she looks like. Focus on how LUCKY you are to have a healthy child.

in a new relationship

You're in a new relationship and you're fixated on "fixing" ending up with a child from a failed marriage by having a "pretty" child with your ex:s brother?

What do you think your new partner would think if you told them that?

This.

Yes. And equally there are plenty of ordinary-looking couples producing stunning-looking children. This is not something you have any control over, OP. You have no idea how your daughter will turn out.

I actually think you need to stop telling your daughter she is pretty every day because you are going to make her think that her looks are the most important thing about her, which will potentially cause her issues in the future with her own self-esteem. (Just ask most women with weight issues what their mothers were like with them growing up.) Do not put any focus or importance on your child's looks.