Can't stop obsessing over ex BIL

[ThisMellowFox]

Hi.

As title states - I have split with my ex husband ages ago. Looking back, my ex husband was the ugly sibling. Extremely thin lips, sickly pale, his nose was crooked sideways from having it broken. EXTREMELY squared face. Absolutely not a single really good quality physically - to top it off he was extremely abusive, eventually physically abusing me and cheating on me when i was 9 months pregnant.

I want to add for context I spoke to my ex husband online for 4 years from age 16-20 when I flew out to his country, married him and found myself pregnant within 2 weeks. I came back to the UK when I was 6 months pregnant and haven't seen him, or anyone in his family since as they live in the MENA region.

Postpartum was hell. I don't know why... but after birth I ended up obsessing over my ex BIL despite us only interacting once. Physically, he was the complete opposite of my ex - big lips extremely nicely shaped, small perfect nose - the type people get plastic surgery for. High cheekbones. Gorgeous eyes. just male model material.

I ended up beating myself up so severely for having a baby with my ex husband. I have plump lips, medium nose, lightskinned.
She ended up inheriting his almost paper thin lips... I'm scared she will inherit his very manly extremely square face. I keep thinking she looks like him, like I've ruined her, ruined myself, wasted myself on my ex, wasted myself having a baby with my ex.
My cousin had made sure to also point out i wasted my "genes" with my ex and how stupid I was and that made it so much worse. That month I almost crashed mentally.

These thoughts have become so deep and intense in the worst of my postpartum depression I reached a point I wanted to surrender my daughter due to... her resembling my ex so much... especially those lips. I don't even know why I fixated so much on them, but to this day, they bother me. They bother me less than before, but some days, I simply can't stop wishing I hadn't focused on being a "good girl", blindly devoted to my ex. I WISH i cheated on my ex with his brother. I WISH she carried his brothers features. At least if her looks were an upgrade... I'd feel like it was "worth it"... if that makes sense? I can't stop feeling like I wasted myself and was extremely stupid having a child with my ex husband. I don't know how to cope with feeling like my daughter is doomed. I can't stop checking ex BIL's social media pages, feeling awful that when he has a daughter she will be the beauty standard and have an amazing life that my daughter won't because I chose to procreate with his brother. I have spiralled so out of control I am contemplating reaching out to ex-BIL, flying out there, starting a crazy sort of affair, getting pregnant, and coming back to the UK... and that then, somehow me flying out in the first place will have been "worth it" because at least I'd get an extremely good looking child out of it... These thoughts have taken such a strong hold of me I think about them almost every single day for the past 2 years. I feel ashamed, but I can't stop beating myself up and obsessing over this.

I try to talk logic into myself. Even if I go over there and get pregnant with ex-BIL... wont that just make my life worse becoming a single mom of 2? having a pretty child wont make my life less difficult and how can it "pay off" with something as shallow as looks... but I just can't stop looking at pics of ex-BIL and trying to draw comparisons from him and my daughter, even though there are none. I am close to a mental collapse by how much my daughter resembles her dad, and his conventionally unattractive features. I guess its made worse by the fact he was abusive during my pregnancy, and eventually cheated and has never paid a penny towards our daughter.

Help guys. I dont know what to do. My daughter is around 2 and I have had these thoughts almost everyday since she was born and I feel them getting worse. At the worst of it I wanted to give her up so I can "try again"... for another child.... with the features I'd prefer.... or even giving her up, then trying again for another child by flying out to my ex's country to try for a baby with his brother. specifically his brother. it sounds SO shallow and insane and out of touch but I can't help it. In the worst of my postpartum depression it would get so bad I would outright reject her some days and my family stepped in. Those worst days have since passed - but the obsessive thoughts have not because a part of me truly believes them...

At the same time I spoil my daughter non stop, tell her everyday shes pretty, I have bought her more stufff than myself, I always place her first. I never let her know whats going on with me and how I feel about things. Shes extremely developed for a 2 year old, can speak quite a few phrases in full sentences, sing songs, count to 10, i have done my absolute best to pour the most affection into making sure she develops... childrens play groups.. and gues what... in all those childrens play groups i cant help but fixate on other baby girls especially if they have bigger lips than my daughter. and subconsciously automatically compare her to them. but never outloud or in a way to show my daughter... just all in my head...

is it possible for kids to be born with small lips and they grow and become big when the

i am becoming so depressed i can barely function at some times during the day, i dont know what to do and i dont think this will stop unless i either have a baby with my ex-bil or my daughter starts to magically get his features. i dont even know how id convince my ex-bil to have a kid with me unless i bribe him which would mean saving up money for it. but then id just end up a single mom of 2.... my kids would be half siblings half cousins... and the dads nowhere to be seen because theyd be a continent away.. like you see how insane this sounds... why would a sane woman consider this... yet for me im actually considering this some days more and more.

i just dont know what to do. i am feeling extremely insecure, crushed and depressed.

With all respect, rationale has gone out of the window with this user.

They're not well. They literally can't help this. Nothing we say is going to have any impact whatsoever.

Again, I'm not trained in mental health, so maybe someone in who is, can offer their advice to us here, but I suspect engaging in this topic with her at all is actually counterproductive and allowing an outlet for her to engage/give in to the delusions and fixation, here.

Hands down the most bizarre post I've read on here. I'm not convinced it's for real but OP, if it is, you need psychological help and fast. For the benefit of yourself and your poor daughter.

@ThisMellowFox

You keep saying "if that makes sense" and the answer is always "No, it doesn't".

I'm not going to keep responding because as an insightful earlier poster pointed out, it just allows you to keep cycling on your obsessive thoughts.

Please get help from your mental health team. You really need it, and your daughter needs you to get it.

What the absolute fuck???

that going to a mena country, getting pregnant, becoming a single mom, i just ruined mylife

You really need to work through that and recover from that yourself.

You were very young.
I'm wondering where the guidance and protection from your parents was.

Lots and lots and lots of people have failed marriages, have abusive exes, ended up single parents ..... Not meaning to be offensive but you are not special. You are not any more of a "failure" than millions of other people.

I have a feeling there is a lot of back story that led you to end up in that situation. You need to work through that yourself. Nothing is going to put it right or fix it, other than you working through it, getting perspective, and recovering from it.

and my daughter just will suffer looking like my ex on top

First off, most people are attractive in some way.

Secondly, why do you think people suffer if they're not conventionally attractive/pretty??

Lots of ordinary looking, not good looking, not pretty people get by just fine and have happy lives, and find partners, and have families, and enjoy their lives. Especially when they value things other than looks.

Do you know whose life was full of suffering - Marilyn Monroe.

One of the most conventionally pretty/attractive women to ever become famous.
I could name a hundred other conventionally pretty women whose lives have been troubled, who have suffered. Who died young. Or who, if they lived, have not ended up with any of the conventional hall marks of achievement & happiness.

Better to be happy, confident, well educated, fulfilled, well rounded ....than to be a vacuous shell fixated on looks - which will fade no matter what you do.

That's what you should be focused on for your daughter.

Telling OP what she should be doing and should be focusing on isn’t going to do anything. She’s hyper fixating, and even though she knows she not being rational she’s unable to stop these obsessive thoughts.

I’m not sure why people are struggling to believe that this could be real. If she’s no longer able to talk about this in real life, then she’s going to look for an outlet to get it out of her own head in some form. This is absolutely what mental illness can look like - people thinking and acting in ways that horrify and disgust others. She’s clearly ill, and telling her how awful and shameful she is, is going to do fuck all.

You seriously need to get yourself some professional help! Your poor baby!!

Have you had a drink tonight? Are my pain meds making me incoherent...? I genuinely don't know what's going on here. I'm never going to kick someone when they're down, but this isn't reading right. What's the actual problem, apart from your daughter's lips?
I

Sounds like severe postnatal depression. It's not good to shame or ridicule people for being open about their mental health.

I could tell you likely had OCD from your first post so yes it's definitely the OCD causing these thoughts. You are obsessing over lips and your BIL and having his child being the answer to everything because of the OCD. I don't think you're in any position to be thinking about having more children right now. You need help to come to terms with what happened instead of indulging a fantasy where everything works out the way you want it to, you CAN'T control these things.

Also fixating on other baby girls and their lips is also a little creepy, sorry.

"I want to add for context I spoke to my ex husband online for 4 years from age 16-20 when I flew out to his country, married him and found myself pregnant within 2 weeks. I came back to the UK when I was 6 months pregnant and haven't seen him, or anyone in his family since as they live in the MENA region."

This is interesting. You are suggesting she was "arranged" into marriage at a very young age, but maybe had an option for his brother, which you are now regretting based on genetics and the look of her daughter.

OP you need to help yourself and go to the doctors, speak to someone in real life as this is now affecting you and your daughter. I hope you get help soon. I'm hope other posters come alobg with sources.

Op, you seem to have a great deal of trauma from the relationship/marriage etc with your child's biological father.

Then you had a traumatic time as a single Mum with PND.

How can you work through that, healthily?

The past is the past. You can't change it. You can't "fix" it, You can only come to terms with it and recover from it.

You didn't "fail". You were evidently in contact for several years with your ex before you moved there (and from a v young age), it didn't work out. Sometimes that happens.
You fell pregnant before it broke down/you left. That happens too.
You're not the first person who took a chance on a partner/spouse abroad for it not to work out, and you won't be the last.
You're not the first person to get divorced (it's about half the population) and you won't be the last.
You're not the first person to end up pregnant where the relationship has broken down and you won't be the last.
You fought to make sure he didn't get your child as resident parent, which sounds like exactly the right thing, given his character & behaviour.

You haven't done anything bad, you're not to blame (especially at your young age, our decision making is not even fully developed until 25), you're not responsible for his character or behaviour, it's not the end of the world. Some people have to start again in their 40s, 50s and beyond; you're young.
The experience with your ex will increasingly become distant history.
You can build a life for yourself and your child. If you meet a good partner, that's a lovely bonus.

You need to get help with working through what happened.

Was it a sort of arranged marriage op?

Have your parents put lots of emphasis on looks for girls/females, is that why you're fixated on that?

Have they made you feel like you're a failure for leaving the marriage - is that why you see the whole thing as your failure?

I'd consider you leaving someone who sounds like an abuser and getting yourself and your child away from him, a success on your part, rather than a failure.

This post is awful. Your poor daughter.

What makes you so convinced that 'male model' bil even remembers you exist? Much less would want to stick his dick in brothers ex wife? Or create children that were both siblings and cousins? He doesn't want to. I am not just saying that just to be crude, honestly most guys would find that repulsive unless they have some weird kink.

You need actual psychiatric help because this post is extremely disturbed.

I had a similar - entirely inappropriate, entirely all-consuming - obsession with a colleague while I was in the middle of a manic episode caused by bipolar disorder. Please speak to your doctor about your mental health ASAP.

This. Please ask for help.

If this is real then filler is a thing nowadays OP :) If she is bothered about her lips when older (and God willing has a little bit of spare cash) she could probably get them done.

The obsession with the ex BiL does sound a bit excessive and a sign of mental illness, as does all the fixation on lips.

If you had a child with the brother, the thing with genetics is they could still end up with lips like your ex's, their uncle, rather than your BiL.

Someone can have a face people find attractive and then their personality is so irritating no one wants to, for instance, be in a relationship with them, and they annoy everyone. I know someone who genuinely is like that. So her looks don't actually get her anywhere.

Looks aren't everything - I don't mean that just as a platitude; they really aren't.

Forget attempting to kick this OP when she is down and mentally ill. It won’t help her; she needs professional help. Even the most talented of psychiatrists will have their work cut out. Any advice given here is utterly futile.

@ThisMellowFox it's probably not unusual for women who've been in unpleasant/abusive relationships to be unnerved by seeing the physical resemblance in their children to their ex. All you can do in that regard is focus on seeing the different little person behind the features.

And therapy such as EMDR might help in this respect.

My father wasn't the most good looking man, he really wasn't. And he was horribly abusive to my mother and I. I actually rarely use this username but I've used it twice tonight to discuss my abusive father.
One of my children is the absolute image of my dad, I don't even look like my dad. In all honesty I wondered was he actually my dad until I had my son who was his double.
My son truly could be his doppelganger.

And I look at my sons face and I see the potential beauty my dad's face could have had. My father's features weren't nice because he was a bad man. He frowned and looked scary.
My son smiles so beautifully as a man now at almost 18. My father's frowning eyes I don't see in my sons face, I see his blue eyes with depth and warmth, my father's blue eyes were icy cold and cruel.
My father's smile would put me on edge, my sons smile is his own, nothing makes me happier.
My son is who my dad could have been. My dad is not who my son will be.

For what it's worth @ThisMellowFox after years of abuse from my dad I also have OCD. Because I've discussed this with my usual mumsnet name I'll not go into details about my OCD behaviours but I also focus on things to an extreme level. Your thoughts about your DD are intrusive and they're obsessive, these aren't real thoughts. They're your mental unwellness driving you to despair.

I'm not qualified to analyse anyone but I can tell you if I'd have been in your situation I'd have obsessed also over BiL and whilst it may have seen superficial to obsess over his looks, that wouldn't have actually been my obsession even if I thought it was. My fixation would have been wishing I'd chosen the one who didn't abuse me. How that would have materialised in my thought process could have been something irrelevant and unimportant such as your lip obsession, which to you seems massive but to everyone else is so irrelevant seems to be insane.

You are going to damage your child with this fixation on her appearance.
I've never seen a child and I have worked in nurseries and thought, "what a small lipped baby", because its not a typical thought to have.

Youre seeing things you hated in your ex magnified in your child because he hurt you. She isn't her dad. Don't let your hurt manifest this way. Your baby will be a beautiful little girl, you're just unwell.

My OCD isn't cured by any means, but genuinely it's much calmer than it was through meds and lots of techniques of not allowing my brain to dwell.

If your brain focuses on your child's lips, shoot the thought away as soon as you can and focus on things about her that you love. It doesn't need to be looks related, anything at all.

And do that every single time, try and retrain those thoughts to instead dwelling on what you feel are negatives, try and combat those feelings and thoughts with her positives.

Sending strength to you and love to your DD

Yes this!
im sorry you’ve been through such an appalling time, its clearly been very damaging to you and you deserve lots of help to move past it, you also have a responsibility to your child to seek meds and therapy to get tk a place where your daughters resemblance of your abusive ex isn’t so triggering.
with regards to to ex BIL and a child with him, you already know this isn’t a healthy or feasible thing to do. Sounds like your brain has desperately tried to find a solution to sooth how you’re feeling right now but it’s not rational by a long shot. Your current mental health means you’re not in a position to have another child with anyone right now, you need to get better.
if your post is true then you’ve been brave to share and you’re trying to work it out, you need professional help for that and very urgently.
good luck

That's not necessarily how genes work. My son looks exactly like my brother and not my DH or myself. Even if your BIL was the father the child could possibly still look the same. Stop beating yourself up over it with ridiculous hypotheticals.

Surely all 2 year olds are pretty though. I think you he a lot of negatively towards your ex.poor little girl.see someone urgently for help