Can't stop obsessing over ex BIL

[ThisMellowFox]

Hi.

As title states - I have split with my ex husband ages ago. Looking back, my ex husband was the ugly sibling. Extremely thin lips, sickly pale, his nose was crooked sideways from having it broken. EXTREMELY squared face. Absolutely not a single really good quality physically - to top it off he was extremely abusive, eventually physically abusing me and cheating on me when i was 9 months pregnant.

I want to add for context I spoke to my ex husband online for 4 years from age 16-20 when I flew out to his country, married him and found myself pregnant within 2 weeks. I came back to the UK when I was 6 months pregnant and haven't seen him, or anyone in his family since as they live in the MENA region.

Postpartum was hell. I don't know why... but after birth I ended up obsessing over my ex BIL despite us only interacting once. Physically, he was the complete opposite of my ex - big lips extremely nicely shaped, small perfect nose - the type people get plastic surgery for. High cheekbones. Gorgeous eyes. just male model material.

I ended up beating myself up so severely for having a baby with my ex husband. I have plump lips, medium nose, lightskinned.
She ended up inheriting his almost paper thin lips... I'm scared she will inherit his very manly extremely square face. I keep thinking she looks like him, like I've ruined her, ruined myself, wasted myself on my ex, wasted myself having a baby with my ex.
My cousin had made sure to also point out i wasted my "genes" with my ex and how stupid I was and that made it so much worse. That month I almost crashed mentally.

These thoughts have become so deep and intense in the worst of my postpartum depression I reached a point I wanted to surrender my daughter due to... her resembling my ex so much... especially those lips. I don't even know why I fixated so much on them, but to this day, they bother me. They bother me less than before, but some days, I simply can't stop wishing I hadn't focused on being a "good girl", blindly devoted to my ex. I WISH i cheated on my ex with his brother. I WISH she carried his brothers features. At least if her looks were an upgrade... I'd feel like it was "worth it"... if that makes sense? I can't stop feeling like I wasted myself and was extremely stupid having a child with my ex husband. I don't know how to cope with feeling like my daughter is doomed. I can't stop checking ex BIL's social media pages, feeling awful that when he has a daughter she will be the beauty standard and have an amazing life that my daughter won't because I chose to procreate with his brother. I have spiralled so out of control I am contemplating reaching out to ex-BIL, flying out there, starting a crazy sort of affair, getting pregnant, and coming back to the UK... and that then, somehow me flying out in the first place will have been "worth it" because at least I'd get an extremely good looking child out of it... These thoughts have taken such a strong hold of me I think about them almost every single day for the past 2 years. I feel ashamed, but I can't stop beating myself up and obsessing over this.

I try to talk logic into myself. Even if I go over there and get pregnant with ex-BIL... wont that just make my life worse becoming a single mom of 2? having a pretty child wont make my life less difficult and how can it "pay off" with something as shallow as looks... but I just can't stop looking at pics of ex-BIL and trying to draw comparisons from him and my daughter, even though there are none. I am close to a mental collapse by how much my daughter resembles her dad, and his conventionally unattractive features. I guess its made worse by the fact he was abusive during my pregnancy, and eventually cheated and has never paid a penny towards our daughter.

Help guys. I dont know what to do. My daughter is around 2 and I have had these thoughts almost everyday since she was born and I feel them getting worse. At the worst of it I wanted to give her up so I can "try again"... for another child.... with the features I'd prefer.... or even giving her up, then trying again for another child by flying out to my ex's country to try for a baby with his brother. specifically his brother. it sounds SO shallow and insane and out of touch but I can't help it. In the worst of my postpartum depression it would get so bad I would outright reject her some days and my family stepped in. Those worst days have since passed - but the obsessive thoughts have not because a part of me truly believes them...

At the same time I spoil my daughter non stop, tell her everyday shes pretty, I have bought her more stufff than myself, I always place her first. I never let her know whats going on with me and how I feel about things. Shes extremely developed for a 2 year old, can speak quite a few phrases in full sentences, sing songs, count to 10, i have done my absolute best to pour the most affection into making sure she develops... childrens play groups.. and gues what... in all those childrens play groups i cant help but fixate on other baby girls especially if they have bigger lips than my daughter. and subconsciously automatically compare her to them. but never outloud or in a way to show my daughter... just all in my head...

is it possible for kids to be born with small lips and they grow and become big when the

i am becoming so depressed i can barely function at some times during the day, i dont know what to do and i dont think this will stop unless i either have a baby with my ex-bil or my daughter starts to magically get his features. i dont even know how id convince my ex-bil to have a kid with me unless i bribe him which would mean saving up money for it. but then id just end up a single mom of 2.... my kids would be half siblings half cousins... and the dads nowhere to be seen because theyd be a continent away.. like you see how insane this sounds... why would a sane woman consider this... yet for me im actually considering this some days more and more.

i just dont know what to do. i am feeling extremely insecure, crushed and depressed.

I have exhausted all my family members with this topic, when brought up after a certain amount of time, almost over half a year now... i get shut down. if i bring it up in my therapy itll just be seen maybe as an obsessive aspect of my ocd, but i know its not. i sincerely feel like she inherited my exs features, and regret him so much. and that she will be held back by them. i dont know what to do to fix this situation, i cant stop obsessively thinking of my ex-bil as a result. im 50/50 considering flying back just to have a kid with him to calm down a side of me that thinks flying all the way to a MENA country and I'd at least have a pretty ish kid from it... i don't know how to help this situation. i feel so overwhelmed. i feel like venting. i just dont know how to cope or what to do. i feel extremely bad for my daughter.

Get help. Your poor daughter.

OP, kindly, I think you've got in an obsessive loop based on the trauma of the whole thing and this is being expressed in this particular way. You need and deserve help. It's good you posted because it shows you know that you need help. But Mumsnet isn't going to be the right place to help you. You need to speak to a doctor, your GP, about this. Tell them everything, especially about the abuse. It's possible to get through this and have a happier way of being, I'm sure of it. But you need support.

it is slowly becoming a massive full blown phase of self hate for picking my ex and struggling to forgive myself. because i cant name a single good thing about him, and since shes inherited his features i feel like i doomed my own kid because i was stupid.

I'm glad your family shut you down.

What's a MENA country??

@ThisMellowFox you cannot keep thinking your daughter is your ex! She is a different person she is not him! You have raised her by yourself and with family help too, you’re being obsessive and superficial and you need help.

I have exhausted my family members with this topic like I've posted in a seperate comment... I have a psychiatrist because i was registered with antenatal team for post partum depression and all I do in these appointments is just speak about whats going on and get prescribed/review on my anti depressants... ive been denied talking therapy.. but besides those... i truly dont believe that this is my ocd, but rather literal sadness that i picked my ex, that my daughter has his features and that i should've picked someone else. i feel like she is doomed due to inherting his features. it is torturing me because its on my mind every single day. i dont know what to do and posting here is just to vent and see if anyone has similar thoughts. and if theres hope for my daughter.

Do you love your daughter or not?

Honestly op. You're completely insane. Play your scenario out in your head. You turn up at your ex bil door having only met him once and tell him you want him to have sex with you multiple times so you can have another child. He will absolutely call the police on you
He could be in an established relationship for all you know.
Stop this craziness and go and see a shrink asap.

Tell someone in real life so they can protect your daughter. You are not well right now. I pray you find healing.

it is torturing me because its on my mind every single day.

Read this again, this is your OCD talking.

i dont know what to do and posting here is just to vent and see if anyone has similar thoughts.

Again, this is your OCD talking, its similar to health anxiety when people relentlessly ask others ''what should I do, should I take my meds? Would you take these tablets?''
You are never going to find the answer by asking other people like this, because there isn't one. You need meds and therapy to tackle your OCD and depression, and getting through it will be a process, not finding one magic answer.

Op your dd is not "doomed" to anything just by having some physical traits of her father. It's not your dds job to look any certain way - she will be so, so much more than just her appearance. But YOU could do some real damage to her wellbeing by continuing to obsess about this.

My guess is this is a difficult combination of trauma and some form of ocd and you need specialist support that you won't find on here.

Oh please make the crazy stop.

This is all a bit bonkers. Go and get help.
I want my children to grow up and be kind, caring individuals who are respectful and decent human beings. I want them to love and be loved, to work hard and be successful in their lives.

I don't give a f* about their thin lips.

You know it doesn't matter whether your kid is pretty right? I mean, it literally doesn't matter one jot. Kids come in all shapes and sizes with all kinds of different attributes and qualities, some will be thoughtful, some gentle, some athletic, some nurturing, some whip smart, some funny, some boisterous, some shy.. these are the qualities you should be curious about, not whether she has thin lips.

If this is real then please go speak to a gp and get some help. I understand it can be upsetting if your daughter reminds you of your ex when you and an unhealthy relationship but you need to focus on her being your daughter and a completely different person.

You seem besotted with the BIL which is strange when you met him once. It’s an infatuation and you need to accept it’s nothing and move on from it.

I think it's interesting that you say that you have OCD but you don't think this obsession is part of it, but you also don't want to bring it up in therapy because you think they'll say it is. As someone who goes to therapy, this is exactly what I would want to talk about.

If it was part of your OCD, would that be so bad?

you need intense therapy asap. your poor daughter. i truly hope she never hears any of these thoughts

“ just be seen maybe as an obsessive aspect of my ocd, but i know its not.”

This behaviour and these thoughts are textbook OCD. So no, you don’t know it’s not - it very much is. This obsession will not get better if you dismiss that this is symptomatic of OCD straight off. You need to start actual therapy.

You need to get a grip woman

You might not like your ex but your daughter was obviously going to look like her dad in some way.

Don't start shagging the brother so she gets a prettier (in your eyes) sibling/cousin.

I hope she never has to hear any of this shite. It's not her fault.

The thoughts are your OCD. The thread is you reassurance-seeking and won’t help. Talk to your therapist.

I am going to say this as gently as possible.

Your thought process is not normal, please call for an emergency GP appointment in the morning as you should not be thinking or feeling this way and you need help.

Please seek help, your child needs a healthy parent.