I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

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I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

I don’t think they will contact the police unless you’re in imminent danger but by staying, you’re placing your children in danger. He may not harm them directly but by harming you like he is doing, you’re not able to be the mum they need. I’m not blaming you at all - this man sounds like he needs sectioned (at best but most likely arrested) but by staying with him, you’re not helping your children.

Please leave. If not for yourself, but for your children. You may feel guilty for him but he’s an adult, he’s caused this. Your children are innocent, please let them stay innocent and protect their childhood.

Parroting what others have said about it being about your kids. This is going to sound horrendously callous but I promise you it helped me getting in this mindset.

It's not about you. It's about your kids and their lives being at risk.

Once you are in the safety of Womens Aid pick up a copy of "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. Hopefully this doesn't get edited before you see it by HQ but if you google that book name and "free PDF" you can read it online without having to pay.

The reason I share this is because many women don't have access to private finances and have their spending/purchases tracked. It's totally crass to have to pay for such a great resource if it might get you physically harmed.

Good luck OP 💐

It sounds very much like you might well be murdered if you don’t leave. Your poor kids growing up with a such a monster for a father.
In your shoes I’d be off to my mothers as fast as i could drive, why are you waiting?

I'll pray and light a candle for you Op, this is one of the most upsetting things I've ever seen on mumsnet. You are brave and strong and we are all behind you x

This sounds very very familiar to my upbringing.

I just want to ask the elephant in the room question: if he's a pathological liar can you trust he was actually SA and it's not just a cover so he can be an absolute vile POS to you?
I only ask as this is exactly what my father did...

Please get out...my mum did when I was 11 but I stayed with my dad till I was 16-I took her place as his punchbag...please please get yourself and your children out of there.

OP, while you're building up the strength to claim your life back again, GET YOUR CHILDREN OUT NOW.

You have a lovely family? Tell your DC that they're going to be staying with them for a while. If you want to stay with this fucking nightmare, then stay, but do NOT make your children stay. They are counting on you to make the right decision here. So much is at stake for them. Everything.

A better life is out there, waiting for you. A normal one, with days out, jokes, and happy kids in a secure, loving home. You have a family waiting to support you - it's more than many have. We've all got your back for chats, support and handholds whenever you need them.

Now GO.

Hope you’re speaking to Women’s Aid now and they’re giving you good advice. Remember you won’t be alone - you have your family, your children and us.
Whatever happens, stop paying for his therapy and pay for it for yourself. Not because there is anything wrong with you, just because you need some support and that’s perfectly OK. A therapist will help you stop yourself going back to him and see that your life will be better without him

Please leave.

It sounds like you have a wonderful family that will support you no matter what and they will be there to put the pieces of you back together again.

They will be there for the birth, they will support you and your children, they are your people and that's all you need.

You are worth so much more than being his punching bag.

Sending you all the love and support, everyone is here for you.

I don't want to scare you but the chances of him murdering you are massively increased once he attempts to strangle you. Giving you strength to get out. 🌹

This is so heartbreaking to read. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be so trauma-bonded to the monster who was imprisoned for hurting me that I would risk my children's lives to go back to him. Are social services not involved where they are concerned? Please stay on the line to WA. Please leave him.

Huge hugs OP. You got this!

I wont repeat what others have said and what you already know, just that I am cheerleading for you and I know you can do this and leave.

You sound like you’ve got Stockholm syndrome tbh.
Get your babies, get the fuck out of that house and away from him and live the life you all deserve. A happy carefree and fun one.

If he kills himself then it’s win win in this case he sounds like the embodiment of evil.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it is truly awful. You have to leave for the sake of your children and for yourself. I know just how hard it is to leave, I was in an abusive relationship and tried to leave a number of times before something snapped and I was finally able to stay away. Find a therapist that specialises in abuse and when you want to go back to him, email them instead and get an extra appointment- this really helped me.

I look back at all the years I spent in that awful relationship now and I'm SO glad I left, you will be too. I got my life back, although at the time just after leaving it felt like I was drowning. Research trauma bonding, it explains exactly why you feel like you can't leave. He's chipped away at your self and your identity to the point where you feel you need him to survive and you need to be away from him to learn that you don't need him. Please go to your parents and give your children the opportunity to grow up in a loving and safe environment.

If you can’t do it for yourself then you have to do it for the children. I’m amazed youve been allowed to keep the children whilst being with him if he’s already served a custodial sentence in regard to abusing you. I thought after domestic abuse child protective services demanded that the woman leave the man.

when they are finally nasty after being nice all day - the exhale.

Because you're waiting for it to turn, that's the normal for you.

Either he'll kill you or someone/the children will report their abusive home life and they will be taken away from you because you refuse to leave that environment.

Someone else can be at your child's birth. You are at risk of having the baby removed as well if you aren't able to leave. There is absolutely no way this monster is sweetness and light to his children.

A professional WILL be able to help you understand your feelings, you are not the first and sadly will not be the last.

You've been with him 10 years, he managed fine without you up until then (not that I care what happens to him).

You need serious therapy to help you get through the horror that is your life. You children's lives. They NEED to be kept safe from this. If you can't do it you need to find someone safe that can. They are living this life with you and can't escape by themselves.

He doesn't love you. People like him are incapable of it. He doesn't see you even as a person never mind a wife.

Well the reality is you probably will die if you don't leave, this pathetic creature will kill you and then your kids will be left without a mum. I was sexually abused as a child, it's no excuse to abuse anyone else, so get that idea out of your head for a start, but it does make me very hard line on child abuse, which you frankly, are exposing your kids to. Prioritise your children, less of the dramtics about how you'd rather die, be an adult and save your kids from this vile excuse for a man.

OP, you're 36. At 36, I hadn't even started my family. You have a long, long, happy future to claim as yours. You're young, you're SO young. You can get back to feeling confident and strong. You can do this.

But first, get your DC out. Don't put them through any more. He WILL turn on them and you will not forgive yourself when he does.

I'd be very interested to know why he hates women.
Just leave, don't think about it. You're faffing around thinking about it too much.
What if he kills you?
He's fucking dangerous.
He's a coward - using suicide as an excuse to get you to stay.
You can't control what he does when you aren't around, if he kills himself then that's his choice, you would not be to blame, altho I would say these are empty threats, just another thing on the list to add to his ways of controlling you.
You're better than this, you are a woman, you are strong.
Please confide in family, get all the help you need, don't tell him you are leaving, just do it when he is out of the house.
So, what's the plan?

It sounds like you are really ready to take your life back. Could you commit to some smaller steps such as contacting women’s aid and committing to keep speaking to them. Could you start spending more time out at parents and friends houses so you remember what it’s like to feel relaxed.

You say you go to your mum's every week, could you stay there and not go back. Call the police if he turns up there.

Is there hope?

Yes!

Has anyone left and stayed happy?

Yes!

Will I ever be understood and heard?

Yes!

Is there any point fighting?

Don’t fight, just leave.
Go to your loving family and enjoy living in peaceful, protective bubble for a while. When you are ready you can convert any left over fighting energy into rebuilding energy.

I’m too old - 36, fat and exhausted to be loved. too ugly too

Bollocks. My nanna had a ‘gentlemen friend’ in her mid 80s (he was was a ‘toy boy’ of 72!)

I doubt you are actually ugly, tired, worn out, no time to think about yourself let alone take
physical care of yourself, sure, but not ugly. And even if you are…

a) better to be alone than with a man who hates you
and b) most of us are ‘ugly’ compared to airbrushed, cosmetically tweaked celebrities but we have relationships with similarly ordinary-looking people to ourselves!

Men who threaten suicide are a known risk for homicide. Please prioritise the physical safety of yourself and your children. Pregnancy can be a particularly dangerous time.

Absolute everyone who comes across your post will be rooting for you. You deserve a future, please go grab it 💐

Say no one ever loves me again? Say IM the issue, im just truly unloveable??

You know who thinks like that? A woman who has been held down and spat on, strangled, hit, and made to believe that she is worthless. You are feeling like ANYONE who'd have experienced what you have on a daily basis would feel like. It's not you, and you will be able to work through that in time, but what you need to do right now, is go towards the people that love you and will support you, and your children and let them help you.

Listen to Womans' Aid, they have heard it all before and they will see straight through what's going on and their advice will be reliable. Get your children to somewhere warm and caring and safe. That is what you need to do. Forget the rest for now.

Your children need you to leave OP. They can't escape. Please phone the social work department or Women's Aid. They deserve a good life. So do you. I was brought up in a household like yours. The ramifications never stop. You have time to rebuild a better life. You deserve it. Your children also. Do something OP. Someone will be killed.

The very least you can do is get your children out of the house and to a place of safety, it’s your choice if you stay that’s on you , but your children don’t have a say so they need to live elsewhere, call Social Services.