I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

I don't have anything to add to any advice you've been given but wanted to comment to say I'll be thinking of you and your children and checking back to see if you're ok. Please please leave him, he could kill you.

you have started the process to leave already by posting this and contacting woman’s aid. Follow it through. You are not safe there and it is not going to get better. Do not be one more statistic, do not just be memories for your children, be their mother and you will re find you along the way. Solidarity Sister.

This made me cry.

Please protect yourself and your children by leaving immediately. I promise your life will get better when you do. Lots of luck to you ❤️

I read half of your OP and HRTFT (DH has ADHD and is on the spectrum, your DH's behaviouris is nothing i recognise), and had to reply. I saw a quote the other day saying you eat an elephant one bite at a time.
Could you at least make an initial call to womensaid to open up a dialogue? Your DC can't live their whole lives witnessing daily attacks on their DM. Imagine that does to a child.

Do you drive? If you do put the children in the car and go to your mum and dad's for the afternoon and just don't go back. For a little bit just focus on you and the kids having a lovely afternoon with your mum and dad. That may get you as far as your parents and there you go, job done.

The man you live with is very damaged and he is going to hurt you and he is going to hurt your children. You feel like you can't leave him because he has manipulated you. You owe him nothing.

All you need to do is take a first step. One tiny step at a time.

Please go to your parents' house now while you have the chance. Tell your dad what's been happening - tell everyone who cares about you so that they can support you and keep you safe. Call Women's Aid from their house, and call the police.

This is absolutely horrific. Leave for yourself, leave for your children.

I'm a bit late to the party, but I'm praying for you @Forevertrappedhere . Oh how proud your children will be when they understand that you saved them from the life you're in.

Better he kills himself than you frankly, but - he won't kill himself. He's using that threat to control you. There's a real chance he could kill you however.

You have a supportive family which is more than a lot of people have. Please leave. Don't bring kids up in this disaster zone.

If he's damaged to due SA then that's clearly awful but it's for him to resolve. Not you.

OP, put your children first. Not him. Or what you think is occasionally a good relationship with him. Or even your own feelings.

Put your children first and leave. Go to your parents and ask your sister to bring the DC there.

Tell your midwife what the situation is.

Please please please leave for your own sake and the sake of your children. One more second with this useless piece of shit is one second too many. Please reach out to your family, to Women's Aid, to anyone. I am sure there will be a ton of excellent advice on this thread. Please use the support and care of all the women responding to you to screw up your nerve and leave this absolute piece of dirt.

Oh my lovely, how awful for you.

You cant change him and he wont change himself, please please leave him x

Re-read your posts as if your closest friend, your sister or your mum has written them.

What would you say?

We are all here and we are rooting for you.

Take that next step and fight for the future you and your kids deserve.

Im also so scared of giving birth alone. Terrfied.

So dont give birth alone. You have a loving family. Your mother, sister or even a close friend will be only too happy to be with you I’m sure.

OP - just be prepared for it to take a while to get hold of Women's Aid. They are not available on the phone 24/7 etc - but whatever happens with your message, persist. Take strength from all those of us who are here wishing you well, and persist.

Otherwise - if things are acute - do you gave a police domestic violence case officer? Did you get support when he was previously charged and convicted?

Maybe read ALL her posts

She is onto Women's Aid

You won't be alone once you've left. You won't. This is the hardest bit, now. Everything that comes after will be difficult at first but easier, and keep getting easier. In the future you'll look back and not be able to believe how different and how much better you feel. Do it for your children.

I'm not easily shocked OP but on this occasion I fear for your life. One day this man will snap & if the truth be known he may not stop at taking his own life it will also be you & the children. If you can't find the strength to leave for your own safety please do it for your children. This situation won't change & you know deep down you owe it to them.

You are fortunate in having a supportive family. Many women in similar situations do not have this privilege. Sending you thoughts & prayers at this difficult time.

You owe it to your children to get the fuck out of there.

First of all, thank you for sharing what you're going through. I really think this is an important first step to getting help. You have acknowledged the abuse that is happening to you and I think that's the first step to reclaiming your life.

Second, you may already know this, but I think a lot of what you're feeling about yourself comes from the trauma of being abused. I know from experience abuse makes you feel like you can't do things alone, like you're not strong, like you don't have any other options. Abusers make us feel like that, otherwise it would be easy for us to leave and they want to make it hard. But, it's not true! Without the constant trauma and fear of abuse, and with some help and support, you will absolutely be able to build your life back up and your confidence as well. I 100% believe that. You are capable of so much more than he makes you feel you are.

You spoke about the compassion you feel for the man who was SA as a child, and now uses this as an excuse to abuse. He is an adult who is responsible for his actions. Abuse does not excuse abuse. I personally feel compassion for the person who is being abused right now, really horrifically. That's you. You deserve compassion and so many people will see that if you reach out to the right people.

You're absolutely doing the right thing calling Women's Aid.

If I were you, once you've spoken to them I would go somewhere safe with the kids and contact anyone and everyone you can got support. Your local council will have a domestic abuse service. They can help you report to police.

As long as you and your kids are safe and getting as much help as you can, you don't need to have everything else figured out now. Once you are safe and out of this crisis, there will be plenty of time to heal and figure out everything else. And it will be a lot easier without the constant fear and threat hanging over you.

Thinking of you

What if he kills your children? Keep thinking of that very real possibility as motivation to go

Oh hell I didn't mean to stay in the relationship, I just meant don't hang up the phone to women's aid!
OP please don't think I meant to stay - you are not safe.

I don't know OP. I hope someone who knows will actually read your post and answer

But you've made a start... keep going, you're absolutely doing the right and brave thing.

I really think on threads like this, it's important for people to read ALL the OP's updates before responding, which is VERY simple to do
Otherwise useful posts get lost in all the repetitive chatter

If you do leave DO NOT TELL HIM. I have watched too many crime stories of women murdered by partners when they announce they are leaving them.

I should have said, personally I think once you are in a safe place, it would be best to report to the police as he sounds very dangerous. But if you need support to do that then the local authority can help

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

This is the most important thing. I left, 3 children in tow. No money, no job, nothing but 3 bin bags of clothes and my children. We had to stay seperately at family members houses, one with an aunt, one wih a grandparent, and me and the youngest with another sibling for 6 weeks. It felt so guilty i had pulled them from the home the knew and that we werent together. 10 years later we have a beautiful home, i have a career i love, my children are free, at uni, thriving in schoo, in a job they lovel. Life can change for the better. Its so hard at first, its scary and overwhelming. But you can come through it and create the life you want for yourself and you children.