I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

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I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Well done on taking this step. Keep going and be brave.

You said you would rather die than leave this abusive relationship but what about your kids.

You can do it, you can leave him. You will be OK. You must protect your children and your unborn baby.

You do not need him. You are not responsible for him. You are responsible for your children.

He does not love you. If he did, he would not treat you like this.

There is a better life out there waiting for you.

Sending hugs and strength.

You can do this OP. You are strong. You can get further strength from your children. You deserve better, your children deserve better - by leaving you are showing your children not to accept abuse in relationships. You will be giving them the freedom to make their own choices rather than go down a path of abusive relationships themselves because it’s all they know. Don’t normalise this.

Of course you’re scared. You are traumatised and worn down from years of abuse. You will not always feel like this. You deserve more.

Call Women’s Aid and start putting together a plan for how you can safely leave. You can do this 💐

you don’t need someone else to ‘get it’
you get it. Now go.

Reading the first half of your OP I was saying, please please don’t say you have children.

Please for the love of god leave!!!

Please please leave for your children. I read a recent court case where a violent abuser was jailed and his wife's biggest regret was that she didn't get out sooner, for their sake. She knows they are damaged by what they went though both physically and mentally. 😔

You know you need to leave OP just as we all know you should. Words are easy, acting on them can be overwhelming and seemingly impossible when your self worth is in the gutter. Please please dig deep and get your kids and go to family. Just do it. Then contact women’s aid and let them guide you. Don’t worry about his reaction or actions, not your problem. Focus on your kids and yourself only. Just do one thing, get the kids, and get out. Do it today. Please.

I haven't read all the replies but I can broadly guess what has been said - that you should leave.

I know it's a huge step. It must feel beyond daunting. But you're being poisoned where you are. You won't get better until you leave - really leave physically and mentally. You don't have to justify yourself in any way to him. He's not the boss of you.

Please look after yourself.

Me too. It is literally disabling. I'm so sorry you went through that. I remember the fear and helplessness and listening to my mum tell people she couldn't leave...and wouldn't get anything better...but it wasn't just about her. I really applaud this OP for taking the steps to end this now for her and her childre despite how terrifying it must be.

One other thing, OP, your 5 year old will say something that alerts school and safeguarding measures will snap in place FAST.

If you continue forcing them to live in this horrifically unsafe, abusive environment, SS are going to find out, and with a 5 year old in school, pretty soon. Once that happens, the road narrows considerably.

If you don't take control NOW, you might find that the choice is no longer yours to make.

In brutal terms, the life you are forcing on your DC is abusive, unsafe and will affect them for the rest of their lives. Your children deserve so much more than this. Listen to the women on here who were left in abusive homes and the effect that it's had on their entire lives.

Please, please, please just get them out and let them live in safety.

OP you poor thing. My heart is full of fury on your behalf. Please listen to other posters and find the strength to leave him. Of course he threatens suicide like the absolute scumbag he is. He’ll never do it unfortunately and it’s yet another attempt to control you. You must leave for your sake and your childrens. You can do it xx

Firstly, he doesn't love you. If he did he wouldn't treat you that way. You say what if nobody ever loves you again? Well what if nobody ever abuses you again? Wouldn't that be better?

Secondly, he will kill you. He will say you liked rough sex, it went wrong, it was a sad accident. He will get a slap on the wrist and CUSTODY of your three children and then he will freely abuse them. This is what will happen to your children. They will live their lives with this awful monster and you won't be there to protect them.

You amazing woman. One foot in front of the other. Keep going. We're all here for you.

Let him kill himself, though I doubt he will. What an absolute waste of your life and your children's lives to stay with him. I assume your children witness his horrific treatment of you frequently?

You can do this. You posted on here as you wanted hear us all say you must leave him. One step at a time.

There will be a life after this. There will be tough times but it will be so much better.

Please leave OP- think of your children, they really need to be protected from him. Contact every support you can get, file every incident with the police- let him ruin his life pls!

You are strong and he is weak, may the love you hold for your children guide you and give you the strength to leave.

It only takes one time for him to hit you and kill you and your children are left with him all alone without you to protect them. Can you imagine a life for them where they are hurt every day and have no one to protect them? Where you can’t stop him hurting them? Can you imagine their pain that they have to live without their poor mother when all you need do is leave. I know this is tremendously difficult but you are not only saving your life but theirs.

All you have to do is pack a bag, walk out that door and go where you are loved and safe. He can’t make you come back. He is no longer your responsibility. What happens to him now is no longer of consequence to you, he brought his new fate on him all by his own hand. His existence or wellbeing is no longer your concern or your business. Your only concern is the welfare of you and your children. You will soon be free just be brave and take those steps. He will say all sorts of things to get you to come back, don’t believe a single word. He’s a liar and not fit to breathe the same air as you and your beautiful children. The hardest part of enduring all of the abusive is over. You belong to yourself and no one else.

You are not responsible for his choices. You have as much right to choose your own life as he does.
Your children don’t have that choice so you need to choose for them.

You know what you should do. If you don’t feel you can do it for yourself, do it for your children. You owe a lot more to them than you do to him, but quite apart from what you owe to yourself, the fact is that at the moment you are prioritising a vilely abusive man over the well-being of your children. What do you imagine this is teaching them?

For their sake, if you can’t do it for your own sake, leave. And don’t go back.

THIS.

This is horrendous. Your poor children. Why are you not on contraception if you can't keep children safe from him?? This is child abuse.

He is a monster, and responsible for his own actions. But you have allowed three tiny babies to be born into this hell knowing you will actively stay with him. That part is on you.

Please get out. Or at least get your children out.

Some men don't want their women on any contraception. That is why my mum had seven. OP may not have had any say in the matter. Don't victim blame.

Also OP so many women have been where you are and do understand. Women have managed to leave and heal and do better for their children and find happiness. Come and join us.

He won’t change. He’s had 10 years to change. Don’t waste your life and your children’s futures on him. You can do the Freedom Programme and seek therapy to understand how you ended up in this situation and feeling so trapped, and how to avoid such men in future. For now though you just need to get to physical safety. One step at a time. You can do this.

My ex was just like this. Seemed to enjoy torturing me. Threatened to kill himself if I left. I had no loving family to
help either. Still I left and now I have a wonderful life with a loving husband, great career, lovely home. But far more importantly, so does my DD. I shudder to think of the life she would have had if I’d stayed. And as for the ex, he’s still alive, mores the pity, probably tormenting some other poor woman. If I could do it without my families help then you definitely can with them. Come on op, we’re all rooting for you.

This!!

It’s barbaric to keep kids in that household.