I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

It’s a trauma cycle - he gives you just tiny tidbits of ‘nice’ him so that when you think of leaving, you cling onto those good bits and put it back on yourself - what can you do to fix it, why can’t you just try harder and he’ll be like that etc etc.

I understand why you stay even though it’s hard for others to see it as anything other than black and white. With that said however, please think of your children. They know so much more than you think.

There are things the police can do to help you as well in terms of protecting you going forward. This is your life and the life of your children forever if you don’t leave. Everything else can be sorted day by day but getting yourself to somewhere safe, with the children, is the biggest priority.

He can be so lovely and charming and kind sometimes. So rare. But i need that when im giving birth - one birth went very very off the books and im terrfied thatll happen again

.You said that you are scared because you can't do this alone. You don't have to do this alone. You said that your family want you to leave him. Your sister is helping babysit today. You are not alone.

Since him being lovely and charming is so rare, he may not be that person when you are giving birth. Midwifes are kind, Doctors are kind. Your family will be there to help.

If you are worried about a difficult birth, you need to start taking care of yourself and not stressing your body and your baby out with this understandable worry. Get to a safe place and you have more chance of your birth going well.

Seriously, he hits you daily, what if he hits you in the stomach and harms the baby? Who will look after your DC if that happens? Him?

Please please protect yourself, your unborn child and your other children and get out of that house today. Everything else can be sorted out once, including support for giving birth, once you are in a place of safety.

The reasons why women don't leave:
No money;
No job;
Nowhere to go;
No supportive family;
No support from the police (they don't believe you/won't take action);

None of this applies to you, OP. You have all this in place, including his previous conviction which will help you going forward if you need to fight for custody. You have won half the battle.

Now you have to win over your completely misplaced sense of responsibility for this piece of shit human. Childhood abuse is absolutely no excuse for what he is doing to you and your kids. And your co-dependent conditioning under his fist and foul mouth, your clear need to be needed by him, are no excuse for what you are subjecting your children to. Get the fuck out of there while you are still alive.

OP. Gather your personal documents(passport, birth certificates), laptop, chidren, underwear, and leave.

Go to your parents.

Contact womens aid from there.

Please do it now.

This is quite possibly one of the most disturbing threads I have ever read on here and I’ve been here a long time and read all sorts of things.

I am truly sorry this has to you but I would urge you to find the courage to free your children from this monster.

You do not have to do it alone - you could even call SS or your children’s school and tell them what is happening to you.

They will help you get away from him at the very least.

When you bring children into the world you OWE it to them to at least feel safe in their own home. That is a basic human right.

If you continue to ignore your instincts then only further pain awaits you all

OP, well done for starting this thread.

Well done for starting the live chat.

Keep going with the chat. And keep talking on here. You can absolutely do this, for your children's sake, and your own.

You all deserve to be safe.

and show your sister this thread. So she knows what is going on and how scared you are.

If you can't leave for you, leave for your children.

You say you have a supportive family.
Tell them.. go to them today then call womens aid.. today! Not tomorrow.. but today.
My ex was like this.. he ended up throwing me under a bus.. he's still in jail now for attempted murder .
I'm severely disabled as a result.
30 years plus I've had to have psychiatric help.
Please please please don't be me .
Good luck.

Well done OP... we're here with you

Just to add - you absolutely can do this. All that matters right now is you and your children. They and you deserve a happy and healthy you and a future where you are all safe.
People like this are unpredictable and there is nothing to say he can’t escalate and it come out of nowhere.
When you get time, please look up the domestic abuse homicide timeline by Professor Monckton Smith. He is well on his way. I don’t say this to scare you, I say it to encourage you to think of the right thing. You don’t have to have all of the answers now. All that matters as I say, is safety.

She needs to leave right now. This very minute. The children are being looked after by her sister. She’s in the house alone. There will never be a better time.

JUST GO NOW @Forevertrappedhere

Just get in your car and drive to your mum and dad’s house. Tell your sister to bring your children there. Do not go home ever again. Block him on all media and do not interact with him at any level.

This is one of the most distressing things I’ve ever read on here.

I can’t offer advice but just to say I’m thinking of you and wishing you the strength to do the right thing and get the hell out of there.

You say you can’t leave because he wouldn’t cope without you.

Two questions. And two answers.

Why is this your concern? - you have other peoples lives to worry about.

What did he do before you came into his life? - he survived, that’s what he did.

You need to leave before he kills you. It's as stark and simple as that.

If he chooses to kill himself, well that's on him.

You sound severely trauma bonded to him and (in time) I think need some really good therapy to unpick it all.he sounds an absolute piece of work. Well done on making steps to get away.

You KNOW you need to leave. Try and see the “I need him, he needs me etc” thoughts as a psychological reaction to the abuse, your brains way of making sense of the hell you’re going through. Something you need to recover from. Keep making steps to leave and know you’re doing the right thing for you and your DC.

have you read Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that?” Available as a pdf online for free if you Google.

OP, you are none of those things. It is important you leave. If you can’t do it for yourself you MUST do it for your children. What happens if they think this is a good model of behaviour? Or if he starts abusing them? Please take advantage of all the support you have, take your children and go. And contact the police.

They make you feel like you couldn’t cope. That’s why. That’s nothing on you. That shows how truly evil he is

if you’re closest friend or family member came and told your story to you. What would your advice be?

I work in search and rescue and we come across women and men who either leave or the people who are frightened of them who leave and get lost or go to commit suicide

please ring women’s charities. You don’t have to do it overnight. But please start the ball rolling if only for your fanily

ehar if he starts on your children next?

I would trust them, @Forevertrappedhere .
What you are going through is very far from normal - he is a vicious man.

Change is hard- but you have to face change- freedom awaits if you follow the Women's Aid help- the alternative is death at the hands of this vile abusive little shit.

You are lucky in having a supportive family- they will be on your side, you won't be ''alone''.

Your children will thank you for it.

I can see that you're trying to help OP and that's great. But it takes immense courage to leave and the OP will be at her most vulnerable. Abusers hate losing control and it can be very dangerous to leave without a plan. She may not be able to get everything or even just the keys, go to the car and drive away. Let's see what Women's Aid say and help her as much as we can.

It’s sll him. You Feel weak because he’s out messages in your brain saying you could t cope

its all him. Not you.

Run to a refuge.

Come on OP, you can do this. You can. For your children if you cand do it for yourself.

I was beaten by my first husbsnd for 8 years and left and lived happily ever after. That was 30 odd years ago.
This might encourage you to leave. If you dont leave and social services get involved they will remove your children from your care permanently if you dont break all contact with him.
Im surprised they havent already with an arrest.
Do you want to lose your children?

Report him foe hitting you & get him removed by the police, you shouldn't have to leave, he should. Get an appointment with a solicitor to fact find about what you would get if you divorce & speak to Women's Aid. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your dc & unborn dc, you do realise he could one day hit you hard enough to cause you to lose your baby or even your life, with you gone your dc would end up with him & could become his next target?