I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Just another check in from a well-wisher, no need to respond, just letting you know that we care and are here for you ❤️

Hi everyone.

Thank you for reaching out

I'm really struggling with thoughts of going back and also intense, all consuming-anger.

I'm back in the same town but different house. My parents are helping me rent it whilst I sort everything out with the stuff at my old home. He is liasing with my Dad and brother - they have gone twice and bought two carfuls of stuff back. They are going again tonight.

I feel like im in a haze. Like im 'acting' the part of hearbroken and ill get bored and think right silly bugger, time to go home.

One day at a time.

Keep the anger! It will make sure you never forget why you left.
And remember - silly bugger - you ARE home right now.
Yes, one day at a time - it’s a marathon not a sprint - but you’re in a better place now than you’ve been for a long time.
#nottrappedthereanymore

Sounds like you’re doing brilliantly OP. The emotions are hard but in the meantime you’re doing all you need to and taking the right steps. The emotional landscape will improve with time. In the meantime, you are doing all you need to.

@Forevertrappedhere Lean into the anger, it’ll propel you through this time. Everyday you are moving forwards, it will get easier. Great that your family are supportive. Even an hour at a time seemed impossible at the start, look how far you’ve come!

I feel like im in a haze. Like im 'acting' the part of hearbroken and ill get bored and think right silly bugger, time to go home.
One day at a time.

You are not acting. You are having the right emotional reactions. Your body is out of immediate danger and wants to return to what it knows. This is normal, but your body doesn't realise that going back will put you back into danger and fear.

This is when your memory and thoughtful brain kicks in to remind you body and instinctive brain that what was home is danger. If you need reminding, reread your OP and see the desperation and fear you had.

And look how far you have come!

You are an amazing woman to have saved yourself and your children. Keep doing what you are doing. It will get better. As you have said, one day at a time.

Sending love.

If you go back your children will too, and they will be back in a toxic relationship.

I am aware. I am not planning too. I was just explaining my feelings

Just remember you are in the fog at the moment and the pull to go back is strong. This will pass. You are feeling like this because he has manipulated and abused you into believing you need him.
Write a list of every horrible thing he has ever done and when you waver, read it. If you do it enough it will retrain your brain into thinking of him in a different way.
Stay strong and in time when you have some distance you will see him for what he is.
You've got this, I know you don't feel like it now but the future is bright

And they are valid. I hope you're also having feelings of empowerment and hope.

You're amazing xx a

Every time you update and say that you’re still firm in your decision, even though it’s hard, I feel so incredibly proud of you. Keep going! You’re doing the best thing for your children and the best thing for yourself. It will get easier with time and life will be full of love and joy for your little family.

Just another anonymous person sending support and best wishes to @Forevertrappedhere and DCs
Keep strong!
Feelings aren't facts and I can see you know you don't need to act on them.
💐

Your first FREE Christmas with your children!!! That is a wonderful and amazing thing!!! Nobody to spoil it for you!

You are doing SO WELL. I know you don't believe it, but you are. You are keeping your babies safe and that is the most important thing. Just keep taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to. Just keep the time ticking on since the moment you left....it is propelling you forwards and away from him.

Thinking of you @Forevertrappedhere .

Hi how are you feeling

It's about a month now OP, since you chose a better life and I really hope things keep going well for you.

Just joining everyone else in letting you know you are not forgotten.

Wishing you and your brilliant family a love filled, peaceful Christmas as you really deserve it.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

Sending you happy, cosy Christmas vibes @Forevertrappedhere ✨✨✨✨✨✨

Hope you are keeping well and keeping the faith.

@Forevertrappedhere still thinking of you and hoping you are getting through.
Does he know where you are?
Take care XX

Thinking of you OP as we get closer to Christmas. We are all here whenever, if ever you want to return and have a chat. No pressure. We all hope you are doing well and have every faith in you.

Thinking of you, OP. You pop into my head regularly and I always think of how I hope you’re doing well, I hope things are getting easier, I hope you’re so, so proud of yourself what you’ve done for your children and yourself.

When you are 60 you will look back on this time and wonder why you thought you were so old and unloveable, when you are that much older and your life is full of so much more love. You sound like a remarkable person and one full of empathy. Do the right thing now. This man is not worthy of you.

Thinking of you OP and sending healing cosy festive vibes!

Hi OP

I've just read your thread. I have a friend who is battling to leave an abusive partner and I did a bit of reading to support her. This article might help you understand why leaving is so hard, and why it feels like an addiction. Also, why positive social contact helps.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/neurosagacity/201701/the-brain-can-work-against-abuse-victims

I can't find all the articles I sent my friend, but there was one that said a bond this intense can be formed in as little as four days.

Another article advised that research showed that the best way to break this bond was to have a full year of no contact with the abusive partner. It acknowledged that that could be difficult with children, but even advised getting a third party to liaise with the abusive partner when it came to children. Zero contact. I don't know, but perhaps social services can help here.

I'm wishing you all the strength in the world to get through this.

Thank you for all the messages. Sorry I have been so quiet.
I am not doing well. I am still 'free' of him.
I am home. The xmas holidays have begun and i was determined to have everything as normal as possible for back to school in Jan.
But i am breaking inside. Minutes feel like hours. I wish i was someone who drank and could have a glass of wine but alcohol has always made me feel awful - even a sip. I feel like a numb angry zombie and then a vicious bitch. I have started actively taking 15 minutes to breathe and mediate before bed and after 10pm i shut everything off and read. I try and have a Tripp drink every few nights but dont like the taste.
I am no longer pregnant. This is my 7th loss (autoimmune disorder) and I dont feel anything. Nothing. When i think of how it started I feel panic but no sadness. No loss. Just numb. And disgusted with myself.
I wish I wasnt here. I wish i wasnt such a weak pathetic stupid moron who created this shitty life for herself. I wish i didnt dream of him. Nightmares but longing dreams more so - of him saying sorry, being kind, that special crinkly smile i used to long for. I wish i wasnt so weak. I wish i could go back. I wish he was dead. I wish i was

Edited as sent half way through writing.