I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Thinking of you today OP and wishing you good thoughts.

You are not alone.

Thank you xx
Still here. Still chugging away. I need to face going home and what that means in terms of having him removed and next steps. Mum and Dad are coming over tomorrow so will start that conversation then

It's great to hear that you're still safe and planning to return so that you can carry on your life safely. I hope you are speaking to a solicitor who can advise you. It's the family home, so it's your right to be there with the children. You are doing so well. It is so very nearly two weeks since you reached out for help and look what you have achieved.

One moment at a time. You are amazing and we love you.

You are doing so well lovely lady. Keep going towards your happy future. Sending best wishes xx

Brilliant news. It's wonderful to read you are being so well supported by your mum & dad. This is all you need until you become independent again with your children. You & your children are safe now.

Ahhh, everytime I post the responses just want to make me cry. You are all so nice

I have popped down to M and D on the weekend and it was so nice. I felt overly spoilt but just leaned into it. Dad is a wonderful cook so he made dinner and we ended up dancing around the kitchen whilst he made up a silly song (it is his go to thing when any of us are sad, he makes up limericks and songs in his first language, not English). Mum was v sweet and watched the kids and we went shopping and she paid for lots of non essiential comforting things.

Honestly whilst I thought it would make it worse, Christmas is helping - the cosyness of it all. Usually makes me feel lonely and want to go back so i have something atleast but this year its just making it clear how little i really did have with him.

Your Mum and Dad sound like lovely people op, lean on then when you need support as it sounds like they will be there for you.

You are doing so well, I hope Christmas ends up being a lovely distraction for you. ❤️

What a lovely & welcome post OP

You are right. You had absolutely nothing apart from being blessed with your children. Sadly this man showed you a side to human nature you became so accustomed to you believed it was normal.You have realised in time things would only get worse. Sadly like far too many others in a similar position if they don't leave the situation they eventually pay for it with their life.

Ive saved this here to remind me
What a horrific end. That poor poor woman. I know exactly what she means about the last strength. Her poor baby. May he rot, but he wont will he. So so awful

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-14127619/Young-mother-harrowing-suicide-note-boyfriend-abusive-trial.html

"I worry that time will pass and ill still be obsessed with him. I cant stop thinking about him. Today I cried FOR him, imagining how sad and lonely he must be. I know he isnt!!
Has anyone had personal experince of this? This weird headfuck thing."

"Feeling all the feelings today. Rage, sadness, frustration, self hatred, despair. Want to call and rage at him and MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND!!! I am also consumed with guilt at staying at a sense of WTF.
Theres a knawing hollow feeling. I just want this to be over, it to be a year from now."

It's trauma bonding.
He's an adult and unless he's got some severe disability issues, he can look after himself. If he can't then he can get a carer to look after him. He is not your responsibility.
Even if he did end his own life, it would still never be your fault, ever.

You need to let the feelings out to process it all.

You can't make him understand. He's a bad person and he doesn't care.

The empty feelings and your other feelings are totally normal responses to the abuse he inflicted upon you. You got targeted by a bad person. You are a good person and that's what happens, sometimes good people get targeted.

I personally filled the emptiness by hoarding lots of items I didn't need. It's taken me almost ten years since I separated from my ex to realise the full extent of the abuse. Just how evil my ex is. I maintained electronic contact for some time with my ex and it has caused hell for me.

The only way is to to have no contact with these sorts of people.

We need to normalise saying this, some people are bad, some people are evil. And it's not our fault and it's not our responsibility to "fix" them. They cannot be fixed because they don't think they have done anything wrong. They think they are totally justified in their abuse of us.

It will take time to heal from. It is long and hard. But it is totally worth it.

You have to let go of it. It doesn't serve you. He doesn't love or care about you.

Let go.

Oh @Forevertrappedhere it’s so heartening to read your update. You so deserve all the care and love, absolutely lean into it! This Christmas marks your liberation, may it be full of calm, cosiness and magical moments with your lovely children. I imagine this will be your first abuse free Christmas in a very long time. Removing your children from a toxic environment was the best present you could ever give them. They will be so proud of their amazing mum. You are paving the way for a happy future for them, where they will not tolerate any abuse themselves - because you didn’t and you left. Keep on keeping on!

Yes op! Probably your best update so far! You revel in the love and know how worthy you are of a peaceful happy life. Keep close to your family and don't be afraid to keep leaning on them when you need to! X

This is just so lovely to read ! I'm so pleased that you have such a loving family to support you and that you are starting to see how your life can look in the future. Because this is what you deserve - a happy life full of love, laughter and support. And lots of dancing in the kitchen !

You are so much stronger than you believe - you have done an amazing thing in leaving. I hope that you can continue to take things day by day and start building a bright future for yourself and your little ones.

Please don't ever think of going back - you can and you will flourish and thrive in the future - you have everything you need in you, your children and your mum, dad and sister and all the love and support of strangers reading your posts and cheering you on. We're all behind you. Keep doing what you're doing, you're amazing.

Everyone needs a Dad who does silly limericks. I am glad you have your Mum and Dad.

Well done OP.

Do you have any legal advice wrt sorting out the practicalities? A solicitor or Women’s Aid?

Please please do not have any face to face meeting with him and certainly not alone. Tbh I would talk to the police DV team and tell them what is going on, that you are leaving someone who has been in prison due to assaulting you.

But… yes, what a great update. You do deserve the love your parents are showing.

How lovely to read your update. I'm so pleased for you that you have such wonderful parents. Their support will be invaluable, I'm sure. And the feeling of safety, love, and care that you have with them is how you should feel all the time. You deserve it, as do your children. I'm so impressed with your bravery in leaving an abusive situation. You're amazing, you really are.

It's two weeks and a day since you reached out for help and look how much has changed for you. See how your thinking has changed because he's no longer controlling you and stifling your concerns. You have done really well to get to this point.

As it's coming up to Christmas, he is very likely to start emotionally blackmailing you into seeing the children: it's Christmas, I'm on my own, I just want to see the kids open their presents, I promise I'll only stay for an hour. This could turn nasty when you refuse and he'll insult you, particularly your skills as a mother.

Please get a restraining order before Christmas. Please don't feel guilty about stopping him seeing the children. He gave away his right to be their parent when he hit you.

Don't let him back in.

I hope you have a wonderful Christian with your family. I love that your mum and dad have pampered you and spoiled you. That's love. That's what people who care about you do for you. That's what parents do for their children, even if they're adults. He's not like that for your children, and that's why he doesn't deserve to see them.

@Forevertrappedhere You have done so well to stay away.

You sound self aware, which helps massively.

Think of yourself like an ''addict''.

Addicts know the substance they are hooked on is really bad for them.
Sometimes they dream of the substance when they have quit.

Sometimes they think ''Fuck it- I'd LOVE to get my prescription back'' {of the drug they were addicted to}

But they know the longer the time between them and the drug the 'safer' they will be.

For some reason, you are 'addicted' to this awful, abusive man.

But you have the strength to resist.

Well done!

@Forevertrappedhere Your Mum and Dad sound great. You are so lucky to have them.

They would be horrified to know what this little 💩 shit of a man put you through.

OP, you are doing so well. You are protecting yourself, and your children. It’s the best Christmas present any of you could have. In time, your thoughts will calm down too. As PP said, you are addicted to this man and at the moment you’re in full ‘cold Turkey’ mode, so of course it is hard. Go well.

How are you doing OP? Hope you’re still hanging in there and doing so well ❤️

It's three weeks, @Forevertrappedhere. I hope you are well and safe. We're here if you need to chat x

Thinking of you @Forevertrappedhere and hoping your festivities have started! There is something quite reassuring and grounding about marking the change of seasons. I hope you are finding glimmers of peace.

Hey @Forevertrappedhere how are things going? Are you ok? Hopefully you have managed to relax a bit and find peace for yourself and your children. Are you going to your Mum and Dad's for Christmas day? What kind of things are the little ones looking for off Santa? I really hope 2025 will be the year you find yourself and get your self esteem back. 🎄💐🍫

Hope you're doing ok!

@Forevertrappedhere we're all still here for you. Thinking of you - hope you are coping as ok as possible! The future is bright.