I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Your situation sounds horrendous. I was in a bad marriage but got used to it and on the surface everyone thought we were happy.

It was my son that galvanised me. I'd shrunk to less than 10% of who I was but hearing him picked on and crying gave me the resolve to do it. I'd got to that point - death or divorce. But I had a little bit of spirit left and fought my way out. The police were amazing also. They believed me.

Now only a few years later I couldn't be happier. It's like night and day.

I would look for a local domestic abuse charity rather than Women's aid (who I didn't find very good) and do this for your kids because it is not their fault. They need you to do this.

Please leave this man and remember the day you do, it is the first day of the rest of your life.

RTFH!

You’re not weak, you’re strong. Things will get easier. Have you been able to seek any psychological support at all? I think it would really help you. 2025 can be your year of healing. You will get there.

Things do get better! I promise. You’re not weak! I’m fact they opposite. You will be happier, hive yourself time.

I tried calling a local charity but they didnt answer - the line never works.
Ive given in and am calling refuge now. On hold. I just need to get out my head before I scream at someone.
My life wont ever be nice. I am stuck to this awful man who i hate and am obsessed with. I have ruined everything. I am getting older and will never have more children becuase i am fat and broken. I hate it here. I hate myself

OP you are incredibly brave to have left. You did the right thing and even though you can’t see it now, your life will be happy again.

Please can you read your original post. Imagine a friend, or even a stranger is telling you that about their life. What would you say to them?

You are so much stronger than you realise.

You’re doing so well lovely. If you can’t believe it for you then believe it for you when you were a little girl. You wouldn’t call her fat and you’d never hate her. You’d look after her and do everything you could to give her the best life you can. You love her. Absolutely speak to someone today but I’d also recommend looking into EFT (emotional freedom technique). It worked wonders for me. It’s best to do it with someone but there are guided sessions on YouTube which might help you right now. So many people here are holding space in their hearts for you. X

@Forevertrappedhere gentle hugs or hand holding, whichever is best for you.

You are so strong. Your children are really lucky to have a mum who has committed to getting them away from the horrific situation you all were in.

I'm so sorry for your loss of your baby. 💐

Your mind is trying to process everything, and your dreams reflect that. You want him to love you, to be the kind, loving, decent man you and your children deserve. You want the happy, safe life you thought you were going to have with him. That's understandable, and is not a sign of weakness.

Life will work itself out. It always does in the end.

Keep the faith. Keep creating small moments of joy for your children. Go through the motions even if it feels false right now. Sooner or later it will feel real for you too.

Have a happy, settled, quiet Christmas with your children. That's a real gift to them.

Dearest @Forevertrappedhere, you are amazing. You have stayed away. You are protecting your children from him. You are protecting yourself.

What's happening is he has conditioned, groomed, brainwashed your brain to think these thoughts. It will take time to stop this pattern. But it will happen. You will feel better.

My life wont ever be nice.
Yes, it will be nice. "Ever" is something you can't know. There will be nice moments and you can cling onto these.

I am stuck to this awful man who i hate and am obsessed with.
You are not stuck to him. You are taking action to be away from him. He is awful, but you will eventually find that you are not longer obsessed with him.

I have ruined everything.
You haven't ruined everything. You have made everything better. You, your life, your children's lives, your family's lives because they know you are safe.

I am getting older and will never have more children
Yes, you're getting older but that doesn't necessarily mean you won't have more children and you have wonderful children who deserve to live without fear of their dad.

becuase i am fat and broken.
Your size doesn't matter. People will and do love you because you are you.

I hate it here. I hate myself
It is normal to feel this because you are feeling wretched. But this will pass. You are safe. You have rescued yourself and your children. You are your own superhero. As Mark Twain said, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it."

You are afraid. And you are mastering your fear. Every second you live for yourself is mastering your fear. You are brave and courageous.

You are amazing. We love you ❤️

@Forevertrappedhere this is a super post, please read it again. You are doing amazingly well to have left and to have stayed away. This is hard but it will get better. I'm sorry for your loss. Please give yourself the grace of time, it is needed.

Unmumsnetty hugs from me

So many of us have been where you are OP. There is life after this, a better life. It’s okay to feel all the emotions, they will come and go and eventually fade. Every moment is a moment closer to your new happiness, is a moment away from everything you’ve been through. Step by step you will get there and then one day you will read posts from other women who are still ‘in it’ and you’ll realise how far you’ve come. We all see your worth, you have an army of women behind you.

Hang on in there.

I was suicidal for many years, it took a long time to feel less numb, then better and then find joy again.

It takes time but things will improve. You are deep in the thick of tremendous pain, please get as much support as you can.

❤️
It will get better.
Keep going.
You are stronger than you believe

Please seek help and don’t give up - life will get better and Christmas is a very emotional time for many of us anyway - it can make everything seem 100x worse. Stay strong, you should be really proud of yourself, you’re awesome.

You are doing amazingly-and you are none of the things you describe. These abusers make us feel these things to rob us of our power and self worth.

You are a strong, beautiful person who is in the throws of torment and turmoil. IT WILL GET BETTER!! It really will - the difficult minutes, will slowly reduce with therapy, with love from your family and with support.

He would have killed you eventually- you need to focus on the level of danger you and your lovely children were in. He is a dangerous, nasty man - who needs to go back to prison. Can you visualise a time in the future when you are happy, with your children doing something nice - without fear and without constraint? That helped me when I left my abusive ex. I also had a good friend who just gently helped me refocus when my thoughts of going back overwhelmed me.

Remove the guilt - he is doing fine by himself he is a disgrace a disgusting human being - whose own family have disowned him.

Keep focussed- do not go back!! You are brilliant, you are keeping you and your kids safe. Keep using this forum when its a bad day - we will hold you and support you xx

All of this. With bells on.

@Forevertrappedhere
@MyrtleStrumpet has written everything I wish I could have said.

I'm sending you love and hugs❤

I understand you are in a very dark place right now and I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment but this will pass

There are several organisations that have phone lines if you need to talk to someone. I think you definitely should speak to someone if only to offload your feelings which sound overwhelming.

The Samaritans are the most obvious one, people call them for many reasons, not just when they're actively suicidal, their number is 116 124

Mind have a crisis line which anyone can phone 0300 102 1234

You can text shout to 85258 for support via messaging if you prefer that

There are some more numbers here

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/seeking-help-for-a-mental-health-problem/mental-health-helplines/

OP, you are in the hardest part right now. You are incredibly strong even though you don't feel it. You will look back and be in awe of yourself. We are all so proud of you and are with you every step of the way.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your pregnancy. What a tough, horrible time you're having right now; but it WON'T feel like this forever. I absolutely promise.

Sweetheart - you are not disgusting, weak or any of the things you berate yourself with. And one day you will know that too.

He is still clinging on in your head because that's how it works. You are still craving, and grieving at the same time, the good times, the promises he made and the sweet talking, smiling and love bombing that abusers use as the sheep's clothing.

And your first message about what he has made you endure is heartbreaking and shows that he is dangerous to live with. Your update hints at worse. I am so sorry.

It's really hard to let go of a sinking, dangerous raft when you can't see the better one in sight. But the better one WILL come into view. And you CAN swim.

I am not dismissing what you say, it is a very hard time for you. And the world is supposed to be perfect and snow dusted like a gingerbread house right now. But actually most of us are just grateful to be 'normal'.

Lots of us are thinking about you.

XXXXXX

Yes, what @MyrtleStrumpet said.

@Forevertrappedhere If you can, please print her post and keep it with you. Read it again and again.

I know you feel 'forever trapped' but you are not. And I know you don't believe that right now. That's ok you don't have to actually believe it. Just act as if you do. Get counseling, lean on us and others IRL.

Make small decisions. TBH, my first 'small decision' was a pair of fancy hair clips. Sounds small but those were the first things I chose and bought 'without permission' because I was free. And I allowed myself to feel a great deal of pride in that. So start small.

Don't be afraid to speak what seems true to you right now. And remember that it takes time. You won't heal in a week, or even a month. But you will heal. With help and support.

Don't worry right now about not believing in yourself. I hope I'm not out of turn speaking for all us Vipers, WE believe in you. Let that be enough, just for today.

OP, you are doing really well. Things will get better with time. If you ever go back to him and he kills you, all the emotional trauma and torment you are currently experiencing will simply pass to your children (times 1000) (having to cope for the rest of their lives knowing their Mum was murdered). Although it’s horrendous to go through what you are going through, keep reminding yourself that it’s better for you to experience it rather than your children 💐

Please OP take note of the post five above (I think) by @MyCatIsAStalker you really need someone to talk to and unload, please ring one of the numbers mentioned.
You don’t have to go through this alone, there are agencies to help you through this dark time please seek them out.

Your username is apt