I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

I also still feel a bit sad for my ex as his life is shit.

Me too sometimes, @teenmaw, but then I remember him saying 'I hope you end up in the gutter' and I stop feeling sad for him.

I didn't end up in the gutter, I'm relieved to say. OP, I don't think there's a single woman on here who has ever regretted leaving their abuser. But I'm sure they all felt at some point the kind of crazy mixed-up emotions you're feeling now. Try to observe them but not get sucked into them. It really helps sometimes.

But he's not going to be sad and lonely, is he? He's going to be furious. And, in fairness, probably missing the pleasure he got from fucking with your head and torturing you physically.

He could see how lovable and wonderful you are. That's why he wanted to exterminate it. He hated it. Because if you were allowed to realise it, you'd leave and he wouldn't be able to get his kicks from your pain, fear and tears and the sense of power he got from you begging him to forgive you or to stop hurting you.

He'll realise he'll have to find somebody else to torture now. But that requires effort to convince them that he's really some poor, sad little boy who needs a Mummy to look after him for just long enough before he does the same again. Or an animal, as you don't have to convince them, you can go straight to abuse as soon as you've paid your money.

You've got to stay away. Ask somebody to delete his number from your phone if you can't bring yourself to do it and are feeling the temptation to go back and get the massive highs, agonising lows and the endorphin-adrenaline rush of being in danger all of the time.

Likewise to you. I just know you will join me on the other side of this 💐

Keep putting one foot in front of the other OP.
Just think - how many days have you survived now where no-one has hit you, spat on you, strangled you?
You're doing so well.

I agree. Take things a day/ hour at a time

Just for today, I will ...

Yes that's the key. OP is already doing that by postponing the decision to next week. It's a way of taking the stress out of the situation.

Ive found some people on IG who left a year ago and some further back. It is really helping seeing others who have been where I am.

I have reached out to a licensed trauma specialist and am going to start sessions, starting with 1 a month as they are £££ and increase to 2 in the new year.

Ive also bought a few books.

One day at a time.

As always, those who pray, please pray for me

OP, you are doing amazingly well, I am so, so glad you have stuck to your guns. Your children are very lucky that they have you and that you put them first.

Such a nice update OP
Well done for reaching out for support and connection!
You are showing more and more strength each day

Yes. Good for you OP. One step at a time Glad you have some RL support lined up.

Do you know, I read the first few sentence of your post, then went to the loo and had the thought, "I want to tell her I will pray for her". I've come back and just finished reading your post to see what you asked!

Yes I shall.

Go gently.

So great to hear. The child in me wishes my mum had your strength 🙏❤️

You've been in my thoughts

Such a brilliant update. Well done you! One day soon you’ll be one of those people who can talk about this in past tense. What freedom lies ahead for you.

Thank you all.
Feeling all the feelings today. Rage, sadness, frustration, self hatred, despair. Want to call and rage at him and MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND!!! I am also consumed with guilt at staying at a sense of WTF.

Theres a knawing hollow feeling. I just want this to be over, it to be a year from now.

@Forevertrappedhere

I want you to imagine someone who has been in a severe car crash that wasn't their fault. That person has been in hospital for a long time recovering from their injuries and they are now having to learn to walk again.

They may also be feeling "rage, sadness, frustration, self hatred, despair". But it's not their fault that they have to learn to walk again.

They may also "want to call and rage at him and MAKE the driver of the other car UNDERSTAND what he has done to them.

They may also be consumed with guilt at going out in the car that day. Maybe it was just for a drive, maybe it was to pick up a bottle of milk from the shop and they could have walked.

Maybe they also have sense of WTF.

This is normal. And it's healthy. Better to feel the feels than bottle them up.

Most importantly, please recognise that THIS WAS DONE TO YOU. It wasn't your fault. It didn't just happen. He knew exactly what he was doing and he will do it again, either to you if you go back (please don't) or to someone new.

And he'll be pissed off that he's got to spend another two years lovebombing and undermining and isolating and making her dependent before he has a completely compliant woman he can rape and abuse.

This was not your fault.
You are learning to walk again and you are frustrated that you can't do it immediately.
It will take time. But you will get there.
Take all the support you can get.
Pamper yourself.
You deserve better.

And you are so strong because you have escaped. Keep going.

You're amazing and we love you ❤️

There's nothing wrong with 'feeling all the feelings'. That's how we (eventually) get them all out of our system. So feel them, pound pillows, turn on the shower or a loud radio and rage to the skies. Curse, cry, shake your fists. Just do this all privately and of course, do not contact him. The day will come when you can tell him calmly and succinctly just exactly what you think of him, but that day is not today.

Then when you get the feelings all out for now, take a deep breath, dry your lovely eyes, wash your face in cool water, take another deep breath, and do something 'constructive'. Clean a cupboard, wash a baseboard, organize your sock drawer. Balance the 'negative' with a 'positive'.

And it will be over at some point. But it will be over in its own time, with your 'help' by taking small steps. 'A year from now' will be here sooner than you think. But that's for another day. For today, it's one step at a time. And praise yourself for every tiny step and for every day you DON'T call him and DON'T go back.

I celebrate you on this wet cold miserable day. You are doing it, by the minute, by the hour, by the day.

You're doing amazingly well, you really are.

The idea that you leave and everything is wonderful and easy is the work of Hallmark movies. It's tough, painful and hard to adjust to but you're doing it and you will get there.

Massive well done to you,xx

I am praying for you.

Well done! You're doing great!

Next time he goes to the motorway and threatens with unaliving himself let him be, problem is he’s not going to do it, it’s all emotional blackmail.

Let's just look at the facts -

He treated you like shit
Couldn't hold a conversation with you/purposefully confused you.
He hit you
He doesn't love you - that's not how you treat people you're in love with.

Stay strong. Keep busy. Look after your lovely children and know you had definitely done the right thing.
He didn't make you happy.

You may not realise for some time to come, but you are doing incredibly well. Feeling all the feelings is healthy and normal. Keep going.

Sending strength and hugs

You are doing amazingly!

Before you know it, it will be a year from now. Two years from now, ten years from now.

Feeling all the feelings is better than feeling dead inside. He is never going to understand. The only person he cares about is him.

Obviously I don't know you but I'm proud of you. Stand your ground. You've got this x