I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

You are climbing mountains, do not underestimate your mammoth achievement.

Read your post again & again.

Are you honestly desperate to be thumped again OP?

Are you honestly wishing your children were back living with a man who seriously abuses their mother?

Do you accept if you return to this man it's only a matter of time before his final blow will be your last & your children will be orphans.

Do you accept what experienced posters here are telling you that's it's your brain that has been wired to accept the brutal beatings & your wish to 'FIX' him will never happen?

Do you accept that given time you will look back & think Thank God I remained strong & found a new life where I am safe & my children are safe?

Thoughts are thoughts & nothing else. They only become reality if you act on them. Unfortunately if you act on your thoughts regarding this man there is an extremely strong possibility you won't be around to be a mother to your children. This should be enough to make you try your best to banish the thoughts from your mind as if they are evil. Fight them until they stop OP. This is a battle everyone here hopes you win.

OP you may not feel like it but you have taken the hardest step, you've left someone who's abused you and controlled you for years, no wonder they still fill your thoughts, you've been conditioned to react this way.

I apologise because I've not read the full thread, but would you be able to access any counselling so you can start to process what's happened?

Don't worry about the screen time for the kids, they're safe and no longer living with someone who would likely have killed their mum should the situation continue, screens are definitely the lesser of two evils!

The thoughts and the need to speak to him will fade, it's not going to be easy or within a week but you've done the hardest bit, it will start to get easier and one day you'll wake up feeling happier than the day before and you'll be able to see the wood for the trees. Keep going OP, keep posting and let everyone here give you the support.

Years ago, before I was born (and I am a granny aged MNer) my Mum worked in a children's home. In the early 1950s

Before they had much training in child development or psychology etc.

She was shocked that abused children would come into the home and do all they could to illicit abuse. Those who had been violently abused would push and push boundaries, acting up until they were subjected to the corporal punishment that was still, horrifyingly, common in children's homes in those days. (not by my Mum!)

The ones who had been sexually abused would manoeuvre to sit on people's laps and act in a way that suggested they expected sexual abuse.

These children were so starved of real love and attention, and the only attention they knew from adults was either violent or sexual abuse. And like baby chimpanzees who actually die without emotional support from their mothers, these children sought ANY attention from adults rather than none.

Obviously as a direct result of the abuse they had suffered. They didn't know how to manage without the attention, and had no source of or familiarity with healthy loving secure attention.

I suspect that many abused women are victims in the same way.

It may be that whilst his abuse has become a norm, he is also the only emotional attention you have been used to.

It will take a while, and bit by bit you will find security elsewhere. It's really good that you chatted to other Mums. Something to look forward to if you can go to that baby group again?

Don't beat yourself up. You are not any of the things you blame yourself for. But...see how it becomes ingrained? So that when he s not around to abuse you you abuse yourself?

Such a poignant & true post. It's a vicious circle. The abused often become abusers or they will carry it on by abusing themselves. It's horrific. Thankfully today we understand this but there are not enough resources to help people who sadly haven't had the necessary help to come out of the other side & go on to experience a stable family life.

Hi OP you are doing amazing, never stop believing that, I know you say you don’t want medication but please seek out some talking therapy, I’m sure it will help you.
Here is a link,, you don’t need a doctors referral please at least take a look.
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

So sorry for what you're going through.

I grew up in an environment like you describe. Please leave. Your kids will suffer even if the abuse is only towards you. Though that is doubtful I'm afraid.

Sending love, luck and healing

I cannot tell you how normal the way you are feeling is. Keep on writing down. I needed (and still do) need to do this in order to stop myself going back / calling him. You're not a fraud and this is not your fault in any way shape or form.
Just remember the "good times" weren't even that good, they just felt it in contrast to the bad times.
I promise you you will feel peace and this will settle for you. I remember not eating for the month of October (this year) after finally leaving mine. Its now mid to end of Nov, and its different. The pull is there but not as bad. You just need to keep on going as you are x

The thing is, i'm a fraud. On here I seem brave. I am not. My head is messed up. I am weak. I am pathetic.

OP, weak is what you're feeling. But strong is how you're acting. Hold on to that. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Try not to judge yourself. Don't let that critical voice destroy you.

One step at a time, away from your old life, to a better, safer one, where you and your children can flourish.

You are doing well! One day at a time!

Can you look to do the Freedom Programme on line

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Get in touch with Womens Aid again if you need some support!

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/ive-left-and-i-need-support/

Refuge may also have a help line

Many women continue to experience abuse and harassment from their former partner long after they have left. Refuge is here for you. It doesn’t matter how long ago you left your abuser, you can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for confidential support, 24-hours a day, on 0808 2000 24747*_. We won’t tell you what to do, but we can support you to understand your options and make a plan.

If you're struggling please reach out for some support!

Thank you all.

Im going to keep setting myself small goals.
I have said another week. Then i'll decide
If I make it to Jan we will go away to a Haven caravan for a weekend - a friend has one and its low season so free of charge.

Im trying to so hard to just push forward, one step at a time. I did a check list of all the daily tasks and am aiming for just a few a day. Trying to stop feeling guilty. Yesterday changed the bedding, went for a walk, did reading, piano lesson at home with me and the 5yo, baby group and made fresh bread. Also cried constantly, had McDonalds for dinner, shouted at 5yo and had TV on all day.

I worry that time will pass and ill still be obsessed with him. I cant stop thinking about him. Today I cried FOR him, imagining how sad and lonely he must be. I know he isnt!!

Has anyone had personal experince of this? This weird headfuck thing.

I have said another week. Then i'll decide

But you HAVE decided. You've done the hardest bit.

Well done on what you achieved yesterday! What's on today's list?

PS. I bet every other Mum of a 5 year old shouted at them yesterday, too, so don't blame it on this.

You are doing so well OP
if ever you have the slightest doubt or wobble, read your own first post - it is truly shocking.
Sending continued strength (because you are sooooo strong 💪🏻) 💐

Self talk, catch those thoughts, turn them back to reality and move the focus back to yourself and your children. Are you writing anything down? I found journaling really helped at this stage. I also still feel a bit sad for my ex as his life is shit. But he chose it and it hurts his children and that cannot be my life so my drive to succeed for me and my children far outweighs any sympathy I have for a grown man who makes poor choices. You will do this. It'll take a while but you can do it!

You are doing it OP. You are doing so well.

I work with victims of domestic abuse, as a clinician. I’ve also done published research on the topic. Believe me when I say how you are feeling is normal, the abuse and trauma creates a fog in your mind and it takes time to see clearly again. But you will. You absolutely can heal from this. Please don’t be scared of seeking help - trauma for therapy can be life changing.

I’ve never spoke about this on MN but I will make an exception as you’ve asked. I do have personal experience of this, which has likely contributed to my career now. The abuse took place in my first proper relationship. I also felt lost, broken, confused and driven demented by it all. I felt like a shell of myself and also like a fraud, masquerading publically as this strong, confident woman whilst being terrorised and de-humanised at home. I internalised it and felt ashamed; I thought his abuse was a reflection of me as a person. I was too ashamed to tell anyone or ask for help. I slept on park benches to get away from him. He tried to strangle me the night before my graduation, I still let him attend with my parents. I spent the morning of my university graduation meticulously covering up the intricate latticework of bruises that were covering my neck. Lots of my relatives have this graduation photo of me in their homes. It serves as a reminder for me of the agony of that time and what I endured.

It took me multiple attempts to leave. The thought of not contacting him or seeing him again was at impossible to imagine as the sun not rising tomorrow. It simply seemed impossible. I would wake up every morning in complete and total panic by him not being there. But somehow, step by step, day by day as you are, hours turned to days, turned to weeks, turned to months, turned to years. Turned to now. I started to speak out loud about what happened to me, I read everything, I eventually got therapy, I improved my confidence and self worth, I’ve got rock solid boundaries. I’ve got a wonderful DH now (and DC) and I often look at the life I’ve created - so safe and secure, a million miles away from that time, and can’t believe I’m here. Whilst also not believing my reality at that time. You can also be here - there is a future waiting for you that is safe and happy, different from what you’ve known and so much better. Believe it. Always remember what you deserve, even if you don’t believe it - one day you will.

You are ensuring your children will live better lives by leaving, and generations to come - what you are doing will have a remarkable impact on so many lives. You can do it, you are doing it, keep going.

@Plastictrees I wish and hope OP and everyone in her position can read your words and take courage from them.
💐

Hi OP I thought these might help you:

https://atlasofemotions.org/

This is a very common way to feel from what I know about dv but you CAN do it. I promise you, it'll be ok. You're not responsible for him. You're responsible for your children. Be strong! 💪🏻 Look how many women are behind you. x

I 'm so sorry I posted before I read to the end as I was so worried for you but I'm so glad you've got yourself out of there. Keep strong and be proud of yourself. You've been so so brave! Are your family helping you? Make sure he doesn't know where you are.

Small steps, day by day is great!

And you have been so productive and creative!

The TV being on is fine. Baking and piano is amazing!

Actually your day sounds like a normal day with a 5 year old, including some shouting.

You are clearly creative -write simple and / or silly poems with your 5 year old. Draw pictures of things that the two of you see new or changing every day -e.g a tree as it loses it's leaves day by day. (if not already all off) .

Now you have started the piano lessons, make a time for 10 mins every day.

Really glad you have the baby group to go to.

Chat to us about what you are up to.

A caravan break in January sounds fantastic!

I know you are disorientated and struggling, but as everyone says, it's normal. The longer you invest in now....the shorter time until it stops or becomes manageable!

When you have been controlled and abused for that amount of time you lose your sense of self, sounds like he’s a horrific abuser. He’s probably gaslighting you and has destroyed all your confidence. I promise you once you’re free of this your life will be better get brave and go just do it. He’s not your responsibility. His behaviour is not your fault get away from this man. He’s so dangerous and he’s destroying your very self go go go

@Plastictrees - you are an amazing person - thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad that you have a great life now.

I can't tell you how much you replying means to me.
Thank you

I am sorry you had such an awful time in your past. But my god did you turn it around. Your strength is outstanding. Thank you for posting and being someone who 'gets it'. May the rest of your earthly life be filled with nothing but happiness and calm evenings

You are an example to your children. To your daughters you are showing strength and courage to leave, that you don't have to accept violence from a husband. Even your current anguish is an example of strength because you are staying away even though it hurts.

To your sons you are showing the violence towards women is unacceptable and that it can't be used to control women forever.

To all your children you are showing that you are putting your and their safety above everything else.

What you are doing will transform their lives as much as it does yours. They will grow up happy and confident instead of fearful and miserable.

I know it's hard. I was 18 when someone told me that even snacking children was violence and abuse. Because the physical abuse I suffered was always framed as "a punishment for naughtiness". Imagine not even realising I was abused because ot was so normal.

You are amazing. I know it doesn't feel like it. I know you feel wretched, but there is a better life without abuse out there for you. What you're doing is amazing, even though it's hard and painful.

Keep taking it one moment at a time. This evening is a week since you left. More than a week since you reached out and got help. It's been a week away from the abuse. There are more weeks of freedom to come. You can do this.

Don’t judge how you think your future will be based on how you’re feeling right now OP. Things feel terrible at the moment, much much worse than they felt a lot of the time when you were together. That doesn’t mean they will feel this terrible forever. Truly, they won’t. Happiness and peace are in your future. All you need to do is survive the period of time it takes to get there.