I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Addiction is exactly what it is. Don't dismiss what a challenge it is, and how well you're doing.

Come back and chat when it's tough - I'm sure there'll always be someone here who can talk you through it.

You can sort yourself out @Forevertrappedhere, and you will.

Start by going outside for 5 minutes at a time. Just enjoy the fresh air and the sunlight.

Hi OP, remember that all these negative emotions and thoughts have been caused by HIS behaviour - he is the problem, and NOT the solution. There are literally billions of people on this planet who would treat you better than he has! Hang on in there 💐

@Forevertrappedhere did the GP make any other suggestions for what might be helpful? I think now would be a good time to see a trauma therapist - you really need an outlet and someone with experience to be able to support you.

You have to live through it, experience the emotions and just be. It's really hard, I know.

Grounding techniques may help.
Focus on
5 things you can see
4 things you can hear
3 things you can touch
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste.

Breathe in 4
Hold 4
Breathe out 6
Hold 6

The STOP technique (in the image) can also help and the other exercises on that page (attached) will help.

You will get through this.

The thing is, i'm a fraud. On here I seem brave. I am not. My head is messed up. I am weak. I am pathetic. I let myself be mistreated for crumbs, from a man that is a failure in every sense - his own family disowned him and yet there I was lapping it up. I hate him and yet I miss him and can't live without him. I am so angry, so so so angry at myself. I LET this happen. I stayed. I had kids AFTER his custodial. I have fucked it all up and here I am failing at starting again. I have had a few good moments recently, like meeting some random mums at a babygroup and heading out to a cafe and having the most interesting, interative debate about a local issue. All I could think about? Ooohhh, if only he could see me now, see im not so hated I have made some acquaintances already. I had to leave the conversation becuase I couldnt concentrate and entertain the thoughts in my head. Obsessing about would he be proud of me, why couldnt he see this side of me, why didnt he value me, see i can do it I need to call him and tell him I am not useless on and on and on

It's ok op the early days are like this. You've recognised it's an addiction and it's the trauma bond that's drawing you back. You owe it to your children to stay away now op. You are the person that decides whether they live with an abuser. I stayed too long and the damage to my daughter I fear now is unrepairable and I do wish I had the strength to go much sooner, and stay away. Cry and scream and get it all out, then pick yourself up and start pouring all your energy into the new life you're going to build. It will be full of peace and your kids will have a free mind and feel safe to reach their potential. Stay free

That feeling of having to impress and live up to him will fade in time. A counsellor could help with that but tbh a good friend is what you need. Maybe see if there's a women's aid support group near you? Sounds like you need support to get through this early bit. Keep going it WILL be ok, in fact better than you even hoped

But that's how being strong works @Forevertrappedhere. If it were easy everyone would do it. It isn't easy. Your mind is trying to lie to you that you can't do it because it wants you to go back to it.

Yes, you have chosen badly before. Now you're choosing wisely. You have taken steps to creating a safe life for yourself and for your children. The only way to do it is to get through the tough times day by day until you learn to cope without the extreme dopamine hits you used to get.

You did not let him do that.

You are not weak.

He groomed you.

He brainwashed you.

He gradually started to belittle you until you do it to yourself.

It's mind control and he is an expert.

This is not your fault.

Abusers have to do this otherwise women would leave immediately.

There is love bombing so you're in love and excited.

There is isolation from friends and family.

Then there is belittling.

Then there is violence.

It's a pattern and the violence only comes once you are dependent and he is your only support.

Men are so patient when they do this. It can take two years to get to this point.

If you think of it like you've been in a cult for years, then it will take time to reprogramme your brain.

You can do this. It just takes time.

You really are doing brilliantly OP you just can’t see it. All these strangers on the internet are proud of it.

I’m so glad you had good moments recently. Notice them. You will have them more and more.

Your entire being has centred around this man’s abuse for a decade; you are literally hardwired to consider him and obsess over him, as a means of self protection. It will take a while to get used to a new way of living, for your brain to develop new connections. One day this will all make sense to you, it won’t be so fragmented and confusing. You aren’t a fraud. You just need to keep going, step by step.

@Forevertrappedhere Let yourself feel like shit. Take the awful feelings and let them hit you. Then once that subsides, I promise you, you will start to feel better tiny bit by tiny bit. You shouldn't expect an instantaneous wave of relief because you have managed to free yourself, so please don't worry about not feeling that right now. Allow yourself time, and you will come out of this so much better.

Yes, that is the best way to deal with the feelings. Let them wash over you: feel them, observe them, then let them wash away.

OP, he will kill you. He will. He wants to kill you. Your children would be left with only him.

He is a monster.

You’re doing well. He has totally reprogrammed you. You just have to wait and heal.

where in the country are you @Forevertrappedhere ? If you're near to me lets meet for a coffee, you can tell ME how proud of yourself you are, how hard it all is - and everything in between!

You are doing so well, even if you can't see it. You got out, you brought your children to a place of safety. That is a huge accomplishment. Even though you are still emotionally connected to him, you know that connection is unhealthy and you are trying to free yourself. Keep going. You can do this. Your children are so lucky that you are their mother. One day they will know how brave you are.

You have been so brave and should be so very proud of yourself.
Is the a a local domestic abuse service near you that you can connect with to get some support? You cold do an internet search or phone your local adult social services and they will be able to provide you with the telephone contact details. They will be a great source of support.

This is so true - it virtually mirrors the life I had with my ex.

I got myself out of it, but I should have done so years before. I can assure you, OP, you will come to a point when your life is calm and happy.

You have done what is right for you and your family. Stay strong. We are all rooting for you.

@Forevertrappedhere please stop telling yourself that you're failing at starting your life again, or that you're wasting time, etc. This is still VERY early days of you leaving an extremely dangerous and abusive relationship, with kids. You are WINNING just by doing that!

Don't worry about screen time. Don't worry about not enjoying the outdoors. Don't worry about not having a productive day. Christ, you've done a GIGANTIC thing. You've left a severely dangerous situation. You've had a break up! Just because he is a piece of abusive shit doesn't mean this isn't a break up. Our emotions don't usually follow intellectual logic. It's a loss. It's a loss that's brilliant for you, that will have saved your life, but it's still a loss.

Give yourself TIME.

For god's sake tell your parents. You can't see straight at the moment

This is so important. You have been deeply badly traumatised and it will take time to recover.

Recovery is work. It's difficult but you are doing it.

You are in recovery.

Be gentle with yourself.

You are amazing and we love you.

It’s early days, OP.
You’re doing so well and look at all these wonderful women rooting for you.

You are most certainly not a fraud, and you are extremely brave. You just can't see it at the moment.

But you will. In time you will.

Everthing is new now and that is daunting. It's understandable that you feel unsettled as want some normal, even though your normal is not safe. Soon you will have a new normal.

Have you managed to see a midwife where you are?

You may not know anyone here, but we are all supporting you. Some of us have been through similar and are here to tell you that you can do this, and you will get through this.

You're everything but a fraud OP!
You're brave, strong, resilient, caring, kind and trusting! You can validate yourself and when you cannot, use this post so we can all validate you! You don't need HIM to validate you... he never appreciated you and so many other people do, your family, your kids, us here on MN, and soon new friends will too!

You are doing exactly what you need, in order to recover, @Forevertrappedhere . You have been through something incredibly difficult and traumatic, and that will be taking a massive toll on your physical, mental and emotional health, and you need to take the time to recover.