I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Well done for staying away.
Never mind about the screen time! Just do what you need to, to get through each day.

It is genuinely terrifying seeing first hand what his violence and abuse has done to you @Forevertrappedhere. How it has altered your rational thought processes. Your reactions.

You can’t see it now but you will. And then you will be really, really angry. Because he has reprogrammed you with his abuse. He is not a victim. You are. Your children are. You need to stay away and let your mind and body begin to heal from the appalling violence of this man and then you will begin to see what we can see. You may even want to go to the police.

I’m so sorry this evil has happened to you. It is his fault and his alone. And one day you will see that.

''Blocking you'' is a psycological trick to draw you back in.

To make you curious as to ''what he is up to''.

And looks like it is working.

Why don't you just block him for good?

No good can come from this, he's a vile abuser that you are far better off not having in your life {or head}.

Well done in staying strong so far!

Don't give in, as once you go back, after the initial 'honeymoon' period, the violence will come back with a vengeance.

Absolutely this ⬆️

Read this and take it in, @Forevertrappedhere

He has made you into a victim,🫥 but with time, you will begin to see what he has done to you and how he has ill-treated you, and you will find your Righteous Anger.
He's a nasty, manipulative little coward.

When you see him for what he is, you will begin to heal.

I was in a situation similar to this for 20 years. The abuse wasnt as bad as yours but I truly hated him but felt too guilty to leave because I thought it would destroy him.

I finally left and the relief to be in my own space without the fear was far greater than any guilt. Infact the guilt was hardly there at all.

I left with very little but with the support of family I have rebuilt my life. I also had children and they are much happier.

Edit: Just seen you have already left well done, it gets easier every day. You will go on to be so much happier. Well done, its probably the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do taking that first step. Try to keep contact with him to a minimum x

You are doing SO WELL op.

People here really care about you and other women in your situation and recovering from the same. It matters , you matter, your children matter

He is so toxic.

A decent man in a struggling but non toxic relationship would be sending messages saying how sorry they are. How prepared they are to work with you to try and make things better for both of you.

He is sneering at you. Next will be the ‘you won’t manage alone and no one but me will ever want you because … list of things designed to put you down’

I have seen so many posts on MN reporting that script.

And sometimes some love bombing. Also fake and turns angry and violent the minute you go back.

Anyway… he is a twat, you CAN manage, you have family support and you are a good Mum. A better one when not exposing the kids to his emotional violence.

Are you still in touch with Women’s Aid?

I wonder if there is a support network in your area?

He has blocked you as a power play exactly to get under your skin. So what if he has blocked you? Don’t engage, don’t check, prove him wrong.

Keep on keeping on , OP. It will be OK.

I am quoting this rather than going into another long post as it's exactly what I would say. Your heart is telling you that you want him to beg for you to go back. Your head deep down knows he will never do this. It's unbelievable this man is still managing to control & abuse you from a distance.

Research the data available of women who remain with men who abuse them & how many end up losing their lives. It's horrendous. There is thankfully a huge campaign at present highlighting physical & mental abuse within marriage.

Please OP, continue to take all the support you can get. Above all make your safety & the safety of your children a priority.

You are amazing OP.

Have a think about blocking him. I know you need to be the right frame of mind for this though.

As if he's blocked, it hands the power back to you. Instead of checking if he has unblocked you, you just know there will be no message. And it will be your choice not to receive it. It's incredibly powerful. Like you are a step ahead.

Right now he probably knows you haven't blocked him, so he is calling the shots, and believes is calling the shots.

'You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in one drop.' Rumi.

I hope one day soon you will see and believe this.

Well done, keep strong - sending best wishes for a peaceful, happy future.

Well done OP.
The very last phone call I had with my abusive ex, he’d called my work, realising i wasn’t going to give in, and he told me that I’d be up shit creek without a paddle without him. And in that moment it was like a spell had broken. I just said, „oh aye right“ and hung up. The realisation that he was desperate, more desperate than me, did something. Hold on OP. You’ll get there, keep strong.

Ok
Please try to understand how our brain psychology works
Once we understand then we can recognise why we do things
Only then we can change
So him blocking you is causing to lose control.
Recognise that
Also
Focus on exercising as that releases the feel good hormones
Long walks
Sunlight (I know that's hard in the UK right now)
Star jumps
Write your thoughts
Please write a letter to yourself on what you want and what you have overcome
Write down what you are proud of
You have achieved so much just by leaving him
Don't attach happiness to him
Look at the future
Here for you always lovely
Take care.
Also please please keep sharing if you can. It will give strength to all the ladies on here who are still with there abusive partners.

Hang on in there Op for yourself and for your children. You are doing great!

Keep away from your ex's toxicity and mind games. This blocking/ unblocking is all a tactic to reel you back in. This is not care or love. This is control.

You are in such a vulnerable place right now so keep strong. You can do it.

When I got out of a toxic relationship, a friend recommended two things to me which really helped. I wasn't able to do them right away, but they brought me a lot of peace when I felt like I still had unfinished business.

First was write a hand written letter to him about everything I wanted to say in order to bring closure to the relationship, but don't send as you don't want to open up a dialogue.

Second was perform some kind of ritual to cast his energy and influence out of your life. I just spontaneously made something up, but if you are religious you could say a prayer.

Like everyone else on here I am rooting for you to get through this. xxx

How are you doing OP? Hang on in there, one day at a time x

Really really terribly.
I cannot get him out my head.
Keep thinking it wasnt that bad etc
I know it was but I just want the constant obsessive thoughts to STOP

OP, have you been to your GP yet? There is no particular virtue in staying away from anti-anxiety medication. I sincerely recommend, again, that you go and ask for some medication to help, for this acutely difficult initial period.

Is there anything you can do for a bit of distraction? Exercise, dancing, video games, fabourite snacks etc? Crafts?
Just take it one breath at a time. And try and recover a sense of what you enjoy and who you are.

They WILL stop OP. This is totally normal. This will pass. You are doing amazing - try to keep occupied and distracted.

I also agree with speaking to your GP. They are often the gateway to more support.

Write down your reasons for leaving him, even if there are any posts on here that resonate with you. You can read them when you need reminding.

Remember that your brain has literally been rewired by the trauma you have endured. Your mind is panicking and seeking his approval because the small moments where he treated you well were the only peace you have had for many years.

It will ease.

It was bad. It was horrific, in fact. Focus on the fact that at some point he would likely have stopped getting his thrills from hurting you and he would have moved his malice onto at least one, if not all, of your children.

You are being strong for them.

I hope you can find some relief soon. Have you started making plans for Christmas?

I spoke to a different service as couldnt travel back to see my usual.
Long chat. They didnt think meds was the best course of action. I didnt either to be fair.

That's not easy and I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. This is like withdrawing from class A drugs.

Congratulations that you have made it to a week. This time last week you reached out and you were able to leave. That's a fantastic achievement. I'm so proud of you for protecting yourself and your children.

It was that bad.
He has raped you.
He hit you every day.
He spat on you.
He strangled you.

You have escaped. Do not underestimate what an achievement it is.

You are not going back. You are staying safe. Your fear and anxiety are about the uncertainties. So the best way to conquer that is to put in some certainties. Go to the doctor. Go to a solicitor. Keep busy. Do something active that will keep your brain focused on the activity but think about your situation.

You can do this. Speak to Women's Aid again for support.

I hear you. You are the one who knows yourself and your situation the best! Well done for talking it through as an option.

This state of mind will NOT last forever. It feels like it simply will never ease, and like there isn't light at the end of the tunnel, but I absolutely promise there is.

Doing all of this. The issue is I want to go back. I wont go back. I know I dont WANT to. But at the same time, I want to. I dont want to compare myself to someone with substance issues as I know that worse than I can imagine, but it feels like that. Like im looking for a hit. I NEED to talk to him. Even if that is to hear him shout and swear

You are very brave to stay away despite the emotional pull.

I would see if there are any talking therapies if medication isn’t the right route

You are doing the right thing. One day this man would have killed you. You are keeping yourself and your children safe.

That is the thing. I know that. And yet here I am wasting MORE and MORE emotional and mental energy, more time, more hurt, kids on the screen, not living but existing though I am out. I feel like im doing worse, not better. Im barely living and this time its my own doing. Every day in a haze. i hate it here in my head. Im in a very nice part of England, lush and green etc. So much scope for the outdoors. But im laying in bed trying to not scream and shout and call him. I cant sort myself out

I'm rooting for you OP. I have found swimming good for getting my head clearer. The need to stay afloat focuses the brain away from being bombarded by thoughts of your trauma.

Edit - your phone is an emotional tie to him. Put it in another room so you can't look at it.