I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Emotional pain triggers a physical pain response too.
Please write a journal of all your thoughts and emotions.
Write a letter to your future self of where you want to be.
Call Samaritans for help and support if needed (they are open 24/7)
We are all here.
Sending you much love
Praying for your recovery.

You will get through this!!!
❤️❤️❤️❤️

Please leave - go to Women’s Aid for help.

Try reading all the OP's posts.

You just have to give it time. It’s going to get easier. Try not to worry about how things will look in a week or a month. Just get through the next hour then day. One foot in front of the other until it’s easier. One day this is just going to be a memory.

Another anonymous person massively rooting for you here OP. You will come out the other side, stronger, healthier and happier, I promise you. I have been where you are now.

OP let me say this kindly - of course there is a hormonal imbalance. Cortisol and adrenaline have been flooding your body for so long. Psychological distress causes physical symptoms- children who are abused can suffer permanent changes in the brain due to excessive cortisol produced as a result of fear. Make an appointment with a GP locally if you can - you can be seen as a temporary resident. They are the people who can offer advice about medication. I know you’ve got lots going on but you’ve done the right thing for you and your children. SS are looking for you to be a protective influence - If you are doing what you can to protect them then they will not be seeking to remove them. You’ve done the hard bit so just concentrate on one day at a time.

You are grieving what you kept hoping it was. And it wasn't OP. And it couldn't be with someone who hated you as much as he hated you.

That is what his actions showed, his treatment of you.

Huge hugs for leaving. I know the physical pain of break ups. If you won't go to the GP, Kalms might gently help.

The pain doesn't last. It really doesn't.

You CAN.
One step.
999 .
The police will remove him.
You will be able to walk out with your children and go to your parents.
You have the rest of your life to work out who you are and follow your dreams.
Tonight, you need to make sure he can't kill you or your little ones.
Once you make that phone call, you will have opened the door to your prison, and will step out into the daylight, with people to support and protect you.

OP, just read your updates, be very gentle with yourself and let your family care for you and you children while you learn to breathe again. Don't panic if you still feel like this in the coming days and weeks, you need time to heal and readjust to living in safety.💞

RTFT before posting.

Good morning, OP.
I hope you've managed to stay away.
I know it's hard.

I’ve read all the OP’s posts but not all the responses.

My thought is that you’re trying to make yourself wrong for your feelings and that’s an uphill battle. What if you accepted that you feel awful and want to run back to look after him. Caring is not a bad emotion, in fact there are no bad emotions. The problems arise from acting them out. So it’s fine to feel rage, not okay to hit someone.

It doesn’t make you wrong to care. The challenge is that you’re running a black and white program about caring. So, in this instance, caring means going back and looking after him and staying away is uncaring. But what if caring meant seeing his pain but realising he’s the only person who can help himself, or that leaving him encourages him to learn to look after himself?

How do you care for your children? Do you do everything for them all the time or do you encourage them to do things for themselves (obviously in an age appropriate way?).

Hi OP, just wondering how you are today and if you are ok? Try not be too hard on yourself please, you are undergoing a huge change in your life so be proud of the fact you were able to do so. Please stay strong and chat to us on here whenever you need us xx

I was also going to suggest propranolol. The feelings of panic are absolutely awful and when you're in the thick of it and trying to deal with the racing heart etc, all you want is to go back because your brain is telling you that your normal situation is 'safe' even if rationally, you know it's not. I was prescribed anti-depressants but I didn't take them as I was also very reluctant to become reliant on meds. As has been said though, propranolol is more just as and when you need it. Sometimes when I'm having a bad week with anxiety I'll take 3 per day, other times I can go weeks without taking any. It really does help with taking the edge off the physical panicky feelings.

Hi all.

Thank you all for messaging.
I still find it so odd that people are checking in, thank you so much. Its lovely.
Im on here all the time, reading and rereading this thread.

Im ok... I feel awful, the panic is crushing, I feel sick. But im still here, I havent gone back, I havent touched a drop of alcohol (teetotal since first pregnancy). Ive been looking at local santa events etc and trying to focus on having some normal festivites.

I have had only brief contact with him. Hes not angry, more the smug 'ill leave you too it, see how far you get then, youll be crawling back begging' type of response. He then blocked me and though i dont want to contact him and dont want him contacting me, its made me DESPERATE for him to reach out. I keep checking to see whether he has unblocked me (I have unblocked him everywhere apart from whatsapp, he cant see my profile picture or my last online etc). I dont want him to contact me!! But him blocking me has made me want him too but not want him to.

I am reading A LOT as it totally sucks me in and I hate to say it but relying on screen time parenting. a LOT of screen time. We usually dont have more than 20 minutes a day.... currently its more like 3 hours...

God don't worry about the screen time! That won't hurt them, and you need to focus on your own needs too right now. Very pleased you are still there and sticking it out, even if it feels so difficult. It sounds like you know what game he is playing with the blocking/unblocking stuff. He just wants to reel you back in and right now he seems confident that he will. If you stick it out longer, I would put money on his tactics changing, so try and prepare for that emotionally... he might get angry, or he might act remorseful and beg for your return. Either way, it's manipulation and deep down I think you KNOW that you are doing the right thing, it's just very hard carrying it through. Do whatever you need to to get through the days in this initial period, and don't forget to lean on family or friends for support if it helps.

It's your brain tricking you again @Forevertrappedhere - we always want what we can't have. You are desperate for him to love you, truly love you, and your brain takes his rejection of you very badly indeed. It will fade. Before too long you won't even think to check.

Well done on staying strong. 💐

Make lists. Lots and lots of lists - Christmas plans, present plans, food plans, excursion plans, activity plans. Pour all your energy into planning a peaceful, safe, loving Christmas for your babies.

Please block him too.

Can you all go outside more? Fresh air will do you good. You don't need to read for hours every day, you won't take in as much.

It's really great to hear that you are still safe. You are doing the right thing.

His behaviour has conditioned you over the years to crave his attention. Your brain has been conditioned to be reliant on him to the extent that even bad attention is better than being ignored. This is normal and understandable.

The way forward is to be proactive. You can keep him blocked because you're ignoring him. That may feel more empowering. Believe you me, when he wants to contact you, he will manage it.

I wouldn't worry about screen parenting right now. You and your children are going through a difficult time and they know it's but normal. Please don't beat yourself up about screen time when you are saving your and their lives. The time will come when you can reintroduce limits but it's not right now.

You are so strong and courageous for doing this. It probably doesn't feel like it, but the definition of courage is to feel the fear and do it anyway.

Stay in touch with Women's Aid. Speak to a solicitor about restraining orders, protecting your children and divorce. Action will make you stronger.

But it's also baby steps. One moment at a time. You can do this. You have us. ❤️

Hello OP!

It is nice to hear from you. It must be so hard, but it sounds like you are staying strong. I think you are amazing! I’m sure it really doesn’t matter about the screen time. Just do what you need to do. You are all safe and that is what really matters.

Sending my very best wishes to you xx

Great to hear from you.

Please re block him. You are handing control back to him by unblocking because you are making your happiness dependent on his actions.

Please speak to your HV about some psychological support. You are recovering from serious trauma and it is fine to ask for help.

Screen parenting is far better for children than living in a high stress violent home. You are doing the right thing.

Screen time parenting is fine. You’re already an incredibly mother for getting your children out of that abusive, dangerous home. In the grand scheme of things a few hours of screens per day is nothing and will do no harm.

You’re so strong and so brave and so impressive. Keep on keeping on. This is the hardest time and it is going to get better. You are so close to mental freedom along with physical freedom.

Do not stress about the screen time. Something has got to give here and that's nothing to feel guilty about. Lovely to hear you're looking for Xmas events.
The push pull you are feeling is completely normal. But everything you resist, your brain heals a little - trauma bond's are very addictive so please consider yourself as going "cold turkey."
You are doing so so well x

Just joining the chorus in saying you are doing brilliantly and keep going!

Don’t worry about screen time currently, you’ve made a decision to keep your children safe which is the main thing. Focusing on festivities and nice things to do is a great way to keep your mind occupied. Please do reach out for psychological support too - it’ll really help you to make sense of things and increase your strength and ways of coping.

Please do block him - he’s playing psychological games and you will heal quicker without contact. I know it feels impossible but do it anyway. You have come so far. Keep going!

Adding to all saying you are doing so great!
Please also look at some mental health support for yourself, therapy can do you wonders!
You're such an amazingly strong woman and a great mother!