I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

You are addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship. Its impacted your brain chemistry.

It’s the intermittent reinforcement that is addictive. Craving the good but hardly ever getting it which only makes you want it more.

You will go through withdrawal and need all the help you can get not to go back.

Shes fleeing an abusive relationship.

She most likely does have mental health issues and trauma related to the abuse!

Those of you saying medication is not appropriate have clearly never been in a trauma bond!

I would second that about getting medical advice OP, you are under a tremendous mental strain and need professional help to help you through the weeks and months ahead, please don’t try to do it alone you will find the pressure too much. Please see your doctor, or you can contact Mind or the Samaritans if it all seems to be getting too much. You don’t need to face this alone do use every resource available to help to give you the strength to see this through.
One small step at a time, don’t look at the big picture and get overwhelmed, I really wish you success.
Edited to add, this is not a normal break up, the OP has been totally traumatised by an extremely abusive partner, seek professional help OP.

I am not sure meds would help as emotions are becuase of something thats happening now, not a imbalance of hormones.

I dont know.

Just want the feelings to stop. I cant explain the panic. My HR is still aorund the 105 mark, though it does drop when im distracted and calm. I can't eat or sleep. How do people survive this? Why is this so hard? Its just a fucking break up!!!

The panic does ease and can be worked through even without meds. It's not an automatic choice between medication or going back! I think people are just advising caution, that's all. OP can evaluate all the advice given/comments made and make her own mind up on whether or not she needs/wants to ask for meds.

@Forevertrappedhere you're not trapped; you have taken the most important step -bravely and with immense courage - and now it comes down to digging deep and learning to cope with the horrendous bits until you are used to your new situation. You can, and will, create a new, safe and happy life for your children. Slowly but surely your mind will calm down and your body will follow. But medication to help get through it is also absolutely fine.

No it isn’t actually just a break up. You are in the fight of your life. Take all the help you can get.

There's nothing wrong in seeing your GP and asking for some help with this while your body and mind adjust
.
I'm so glad you have found the courage to leave and hope with all my heart you stay away.. you can do it

Take it moment by moment. This will get better. You can bear it for this moment. And the next. I found playing computer games helped. If you play a musical instrument that will help, anything where you have to concentrate in the moment will help.

And I also found that taking action helped rather than waiting for the unknown. It might be registering with a new GP and a new school if your move is going to be for longer than a couple of weeks.

Getting a solicitor and talking to her/him about stopping your ex from taking the children, options now you've left, process for a divorce if you're ready. Most solicitors will offer a 30 minute advice session for free.

And speak to Women's Aid about the panic and they will have support too.

All this would help.

You've got this. Step by step.

@Forevertrappedhere op is he trying to contact you now? How are your kids?

OP I want to stress this is
what I would do under the circumstances. I would call the out of hours GP service. You don't need to be a registered patient to qualify. A friend had similar symptoms when her DH left her for another woman, deep despair, panic, heart racing etc. She was prescribed low dose propanolol 10mg as required which although it treats high blood pressure it can be used for acute anxiety. It's not addictive & can be taken as required according to GP instructions. It was a life saver. It lowers heart rate as well as making you feel less anxious. I would do this ASAP, even tonight. You are doing everything right. One day your children will thank you & understand your decision was made due to horrendous circumstances.

Medication can and will still help, even though your emotions are a natural result of what is happening in your life. They calm your physical response to stress, let you breathe calmly, which calms everything else down. Yes, panic is a natural response right now, but you're not currently (in this very moment) under threat: what matters now is being able to keep yourself safe, calm and thinking clearly. Medication can help you do that.

I'm not pushing medication for medications' sake; but, OP, there really is no need to endure these horrific anxiety-caused symptoms. You can get help for this, find some ease. What is important is being able to think rationally and get yourself some rest and clarity, which is going to be harder while trying to deal with these symptoms.

There are so many people here routing for you OP. I guarantee every single one of those people would agree with a GP appointment (out of hours) tonight.

I had two friends leaving abusive relationships like you described.

They both spoke extensively about these feelings - and although it feels horrific now, they did get through it and the feelings faded. They can see it clearly now, and they are so glad that they managed to stay strong and give it the time it needed.

Really agree with @recipientofraspberries and @Jeneregretterien9 - meds can help you with the physical symptoms and to get you through this in the short term.

Another person really wishing you well and sending you strength to stay away.

OP, there are lots of people on here telling you you are amazing and brave and strong. I suspect you don't believe them, and just dismiss it instantly, because you are not used to hearing those things. I know I did that when I was in a similar situation (though not as severe as yours).

Just to say, please believe these things about yourself. You can't see it yet but one day you will. It's when we feel weak and scared that we are at our bravest and strongest. You are setting your children a fantastic example and you need to take a moment to feel very, very proud of yourself. Please don't let an inner critical voice undermine that.

Predictive text is great but annoying when it adds its own interpretation & it's wrong 🤔
"Rooting for you"

It's very hard. Hardest thing I ever did. But I promise you it's worth it. I left in 2016. A "man" very similar to yours

He faked heart attacks etc when I left in a bid to get me to go back, I lost ten stone (I could afford to) because I couldn't eat properly. I think I purposefully kept myself constantly busy and stressed for about 12 months which in an odd way helped me move on.

I left with my 3 DC, my car and the clothes i could fit in bags in the car.

Today. I'm happily married. I have a great career and my DC are happy and actually have a great relationship with their dad! My whole life changed that day I walked out and for the better.

Keep going,

OP it’s not just a break up. You have been through significant, sustained trauma and abuse. Your body will be in fight or flight and it’s totally understandable you feel the way you do. This WILL pass and it’s good to know that you can feel calmer when distracted. I would encourage you to do as much as you can of what makes you feel calmer - holding your baby, having a hot bath (or a cold shower), getting out for a walk, making sure you take deep, slow breaths. It really is just about one moment to the next currently. You will get there.

I agree with PPs suggestions of making an urgent GP appointment. I think it’s crucial you receive mental health support, and receive signposting to local services which could help you at this time. Your GP can also discuss medication with you, and your options there. There will be options besides SSRIs (anti depressants), there will be anxiety medication that can be used on a short term basis to help you physiologically calm and sleep. I don’t think you have to take any medication but it is always good to have options clearly laid out for you by a qualified professional. There are a minority of posters who are presenting their experiences as fact, but there is not a one size fits all approach here. I want to apologise if my earlier trauma bonding comment has caused you any confusion; I did not want to de rail the thread by getting into an academic debate. Ultimately you will make sense of your own experiences in time, and if reading about trauma bonding is helpful at this point then so be it. I would encourage you to seek trauma therapy later on down the line as it can be incredibly helpful in making sense of what you have been through.

There are some good apps and online resources that might be helpful for right now, even for just distraction - headspace and breathing space come to mind but there are plenty more. I hope you are able to confide in your family for support. It can feel impossibly difficult to talk about what you have experienced, and I’m sure you have all kinds of feelings - including guilt for ‘betraying’ him by leaving. These feelings are not facts and you have not let him down or anything of the sort. You have left your abuser and ensured the safety of you and your children. You have done a brave and courageous thing. Please try to talk to those you trust - every time you tell a snippet of your story/experiences, you get some of your power back. Putting something into words can be an important first step to healing. Be kind to yourself.

It really depends on the individual and their circumstances and is best discussed with a suitably qualified professional.

@Forevertrappedhere

Realizing that what worked for me may not work for you, I found it easier to just 'feel the feelings' good, bad, and ugly. To try to fight them and tell myself I shouldn't be feeling them or that I wasn't really feeling them just made things worse and really 'messed with my head'. So I would say to myself "Yes, I love him. But you can love someone to distraction and that doesn't mean they're a good person or healthy for you". I'd remind myself that 'feeling the feelings' wasn't wrong, but acting on them would be. You can 'accept' that you feel a certain way and still know that the situation is wrong, bad, and dangerous. And that you must not act on them. But again, you must do what works for you.

And being sad isn't abnormal either, even if leaving an abusive relationship. It's 'the death of the dream'. You had a dream of what your life would be, what HE would be. You spent years trying to make that dream life and your dream of him a reality. And now you've had to let that dream go. Of course you feel sad. But give yourself time. You will find another dream for your new life. Just be patient. Dreams aren't built in a day.

Yes, to seeing the GP. This isn't about hormones. It's about a radical change in your life. It's about anxiety and depression. And those aren't always treated with hormones. Also consider counseling. Having a neutral place to air your feelings and a professional to help you pick through them and 'put them in their proper place' can help enormously.

Try some mediation on Youtube. There are any amount you can think of. When you are anxious and on edge sit for 20 minutes and take some time for you. It's a huge thing that you have done, so hardly surprising it's taking it's toll on you. Just take one day and one panic attack at a time, tell yourself that it is your body's way of releasing all the tension you have been storing up and that it will pass and you will feel better.

The only other way to get rid of the panic was going back this should say - obviously that was my experience but might not be yours.

Find something that works for you.

@DeepRoseFish

I am fully aware of the situation that the OP has been in, and I gave a personal opinion about medication, as did you.

I escaped an abusive marriage, so I absolutely do know what I am talking about.

Pills are not the answer for everyone.

Been here very recently myself. Everything you have described is completely normal.
Have a look into trauma bonds - it's exactly what you have with him. Remember at times when you want to go back all the things he did to you and write them down to read back over.
One day at a time. Please let yourself FEEL these feelings, to get through something you have to really got through it.
I'm glad you and the kids are safe now. But your nervous system will be on high alert for a while but it will start to regulate.
If you're working please get yourself signed off. Also consider reporting to the police and getting some extra protection that way.
You're doing great and I promise it gets easier. You've done the hard bit and after all you've been through, you are very capable of managing all of what's ahead!

Not the answer for everyone no but they should definitely not be discounted as a valuable tool
to ease the panic anxiety stress depression and trauma that accompanies an abusive relationship and its aftermath.