I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

As anyone who’s been in this position knows it’s not the leaving that’s the hardest thing it’s the staying away

Well done OP, hang on in there.

Sadness is natural and very common. You are grieving for what might have been, for what you hoped for, and you are now havjng to accept can never be. And could never have been.

It will take time to feel the freedom to find actual happiness. Rather than hanging on to the good moments hoping he would change etc.

But he couldn’t and would never have changed.

Look after yourself, find small things each day to enjoy and appreciate. You have done a brave thing, rescuing yourself

Yes this is why we are all encouraging and supporting the OP.

Yes I was just saying a previous post was still helpful.

OP is in a trauma bond. She is addicted to this man and will now be in a state of withdrawal over the next few months/years.

Medication for anxiety, panic and depression is very helpful during this time.

I work in this field and disagree with your assertions of trauma bonding and OP being ‘addicted’ to her ex but I won’t derail the thread as it’s a place to support the OP.

Medication needs to always be considered on a case by case basis. The OP’s feelings are normal and anyone would feel anxious in her situation. This does not necessarily need medicating, OP would need to speak to her GP and consider any side effects also.

I’m speaking from personal experience.

OP there are 2 books I would highly recommend

Run Like Hell - written by the ex wife of the real Wolf of Wall Street

Why does he do that - by Lundy Bancroft

You are doing great. Feeling sadness is a reflection on who you are as a human being. The anger will come but don't feel ashamed of the sorrow you feel.

In spite of your sadness, and all the problems and difficulties, you are doing what you have to do. And this is the really difficult part in real life between thinking and taking action.

Be proud of yourself. You've earned it.

Give yourself time. Grieve for what should have been if that is what you need to do.

Start building a support network and getting practical and psychological support. Speak to your MW about accessing support programmes as you’ve had to leave due to domestic abuse.

You can do this.

Personally, I would always avoid taking medication when anxiety, depression or grief, for example, are natural consequences of temporary situations in your life.

Sadness, anger, guilt, etc., will almost inevitably be felt when fleeing an abusive relationship, whoever does the actual ending. It takes time to come to terms with the relationship you thought you had, or hoped you would have had, and when you have children as well, the guilt can be overwhelming.

But it’s transient. You know you are making the right decision for yourself and your family, and working through your feelings, especially if you have extended family support, will hopefully enable you to realise that you are strong and in a much happier place. Relying on pills to ‘get you through’ could be counter productive.

It’s entirely different when you have a particular MH issue, when it may be desirable to seek chemical help.

@Forevertrappedhere

I echo. Speak to your GP and midwife.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so proud of a stranger before. You are giving yourself and your children the most amazing gift.

You are in the hardest time right now. It’s going to get easier. One day you won’t miss him and won’t feel responsible for him and won’t have this panicky awfulness. Turn your face towards the warmth of that sun and take things one hour at a time.

I suspect that the sadness is - in part, at least - you grieving for the marriage/partner/life you should have had, if he'd been a decent person, @Forevertrappedhere - and I think that is natural. But he wasn't a decent person, and so you had to make the hard decision - and I am so proud of you for making that decision. I think it is OK to mourn for what should have been, but at the same time, to see clearly what actually was happening, and that it wasn't going to change.

You have done an amazing thing, both for yourself and for your children.

I’d love to hear what your knowledge of TB is and why you disagree. My DD is going through something similar at the moment and me reading so much about TB makes me feel helpless. Sorry to derail OP. Sending you a massive hug. Keep seeking support.

You are doing great- it just doesn’t feel that way yet!

Just promise yourself that you won’t do anything for 2 weeks. Keep yourself away from him for that long and you’ll have a much clearer head.

Staying away will take all your resolve, OP.

Your ex will do his best to get you to come back. Mine did. He was horrified that I'd left with the children.

I did waver but saw sense in the end. It was the best thing I ever did. I should have left him years before.

Oh OP, well done, that's the really hard step taken. But the next really hard thing to do is to keep away.
Of course you are sad, deeply sad, because you are having to give up on the dream of what your life should have been. But you didn't take that dream away, HE did.
Reach out for support to everyone you can.

@Forevertrappedhere Well done for doing so well, you've done the hard bit. You've left. Now it is just one step at a time. Sadness and other emotions are inevitable but keep going, stay strong, don't go back. You and your children deserve a far, far better life than the one you have had and you can achieve that. We're all supporting you. Hugs and love.

I’m so proud of you! You’re so brave and please remember that this too shall pass, it won’t feel like this forever.

You are doing really well and one day you will look back and recognize that you are.
I dealt with many women who had fled violence when I was a homeless officer, and truthfully so many told me that it's scary to leave, they feel sad, but they come out the other side and then know they did the right thing.
Good luck keep posting if you want. Hugs from me. 🤗🤗🤗

Thanks everyone.

A few people mentioned having been here before etc and someone mentioned it was TB so i started researching someone else said it isnt... Whoever said it isnt, please can you hint at what you think it is so i can research

I am feeling very desperate. My heart is pounding, I feel sick. I feel so awful and I want to go back just to make it stop. I recognise this as the same feeling as last time so im trying to ride the wave, walk, breathe and watch trash TV.

But those moments im not distracted I feel like I cant breathe and I think im dieing. its like a never ending panic attack

Please go to your doctor urgently.
You can get medication to help.

It's your brain panicking, that's all. Your body follows suit.

It will ease.

Small steps at a time. Don't focus on anything but the present moment.

Think about the Buddhist principle of letting your emotions wash over you. Observe, feel, but don't give them any power.

But those moments im not distracted I feel like I cant breathe and I think im dieing. its like a never ending panic attack

I know. I've just got through this over a different issue, not about a relationship.

It is horrible and it is your instinctive body telling you to go back to the "safety" of what it knows. Because it can deal with that. Even though it's abuse, even though it's assault, it is a known thing.

The panic is because you don't know what lies ahead and that's really scary. And some people won't believe it but the not knowing is scarier than being hit every day.

I promise you it gets better.

To keep you distracted and stop the panic, you can try some grounding exercises: look for 5 things you can see, listen for 4 things you can hear, touch 3 things, smell 2 things, taste 1 thing.

Breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 6, hold for 6. Repeat until you feel calmer.

You can find other techniques online.

It gets better. Hang on in there. Stay safe. You're amazing.

What really helped me through this was reading as much as I could and learning about my situation.

And medication. I was given Lorazepam for anxiety and sertraline for depression. The Lorazepam you take as and when you need it and it really did help with the panic. The only other way to get rid of the panic is going back. So Lorazepam was the better option!