I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Yes this is good advice DO NOT GO BACK ALONE YOU WILL BE IN DANGER.

Well done for taking the first steps. Please don't go back.

The decision to leave was very difficult - I'm sure it took great guts to do that given your trauma and the background to all your suffering. Well done girl, baby steps now.

Remember that you and your children will stay alive because of your action.
Remember that you have put your children first, and that will always be the way to cope if you ever waver.

Kind thoughts and blessings.

Thinking about you today OP and hoping all goes to plan x

We're all thinking about you OP x

Hoping you are finding support.

Yes, OP, thinking of you too and hoping you are well and supported. X

Hi OP, i hope you are alright. I just want to let you know dont be embarrassed to come back here to vent and look for support if for whatever reason you went back to him. I can imagine how hard it is and it is like breaking an addiction..very often doesn’t happen at first try.

Hi all!

We are away. Not doing great. Have the worst palpitations but doing my best.

I kept coming back here last night to read all the comments and its really helped.

One day at a time. Im so sad which i didnt expect. I expected anxiety but not actual deep sadness

Keep going OP.

You're going great

Your doing the right thing for you and your children, I have so much respect for you having read the full thread.
Come back here anytime for support.
It will get easier.

So happy to read this update OP.

Anxiety, sadness and every other emotion is totally normal. Tomorrow you may feel this degree of anger.

You absolutely have done the right thing.

Stay strong

It will take time. Just keep your friends close, don’t be alone, don’t be afraid, don’t doubt yourself.

You've left, that's incredibly strong and brave already. You can do this next bit.

Oh well done!
You should be very proud of yourself.

Of course you're sad. You're grieving your marriage; both the one that you have left and the one you kept hoping might emerge.

You will have many emotions in the days, months and years to come. He will probably beg you to return and you might he tempted by his deep remorse and promises of it being better and him never hitting you again. Don't believe him.

You have so much courage and you are safe. Lean on your family and support network including MN. Stay safe. You are amazing xx

You will feel sad, you will greive for the loss of the cruel 'man' that convinced you you wasnt worth better. You are teaching your children that they don't have to tolerate abuse! . Keep doing what you are doing for the children . Congratulations, you won! x

Get to your GP. Anti anxiety medication and antidepressants really will help during this time period.
and well done!

You are amazing OP. You’ve got this. You are ensuring a better life for yourself and your children. You are keeping them safe. Don’t forget this!

You will feel all the emotions and that’s okay, let them be like waves crashing over you and they will soon pass and change. You have so much happiness ahead of you. All these strangers on the internet are proud of you.

Listen very carefully.

I was in a position a bit like yours.

I ended up in hospital having a nervous breakdown and he has residency of our children.

You can get better. And as soon as you do start feeling better, you'll ask yourself this question: "Why the fuck did I waste a moment's energy worrying about him when it was my responsibility to get my children out of a toxic situation?"

I'm not blaming you. Nothing, but nothing, comes before safeguarding your children. You've lost sight of that now. If you're not careful and quick, you could lose your children. As things stand, they're in all kinds of danger, both now and in the future.

Leave today. Call Women's Aid and take a place at a refuge wherever it's ordered. Talk to the staff, listen to them like they're God because you can't trust your thought processes right now.

One day you will look back at this and feel so proud of yourself for getting out. You can be a survivor. All you need to do is reach out for help and then take the help. Nothing is more important. Not a mortgage, nothing to do with the children's stability or routine, absolutely nothing is more important than getting yourself into a Women's Aid refuge. They're lovely places to be. It's all going to be ok.

Brava op. Give it time and don't think too far ahead. I promise you that life will be better in 6 months time. Baby steps now xxx

You’re one brave lady OP, and like the other posters say, you’re going to be on an emotional rollercoaster for a while. Just ride out the emotions, they’re inevitable and part of the process.
You’ve done the hard part. Your kids are so lucky to have such a wonderful mum who has overcome her fear to put them and herself first. Lean on real life friends and family.
it won’t be easy, but it is right.
Baby steps.

She has left. RTFT before commenting.

OP has already left. People need to read updates!

Still helpful as she could return and has done before