I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

You sound codependent… addicted to rescuing him. Needing to be needed. Work on that & you’ll be good..

I couldn't quite get a screenshot that encapsulated things op but this is an attempt at a close up of Alexander cabanels 'the fallen angel'.

The relevance?

If you look at him, that expression in his eyes seems like such anguish and betrayal. You feel sorry for him.

And I'll wager that look is very familiar to you.

And then you realise - that the subject of the painting is Lucifer. Who betrayed God and subsequently was cast from heaven. He is not the betrayed, he is the betrayer.

Bad people have a way of using our own compassion against us.

It's not that compassion is wrong. But no matter how much like hurt little boys they may seem, please remember that that is exactly what they want you to believe. Because it draws you in and keeps you vulnerable to their abuse.

He is a grown man. One who beats women.
One who hates you. He doesn't deserve your compassion. Make no mistake, he has none for you.

Do not be fooled.

Have compassion for yourself.

Choose to live free in the light. Don't let bad things drag you into their darkness.

So glad you are at your sisters, you have been so brave taking the first step. As others have said, these feelings are normal and will change over time. Can i also just say you write and express what you're feeling really well, you're clearly intelligent and wiser than you think..I think your future's going to be brilliant without him in it. Good luck x

Puppies don't hit, assault, and kill you. Or kill your children. Because family annihilation is what he may well do.

Let me rewrite your 4th paragraph of your 18:48 post:
He is not poor. He's not sad. He's not scared. He will get his own place. He will cope. He is awful, he doesn't need you, he won't be gutted, this is his fault.

I am glad you are safe at your sisters. Now would be a good time to refer yourself to social services and get access to the support systems they have, such as housing, counselling etc.
Personally I would remove the kids from their schools, nurseries etc and enroll them elsewhere away from him. Far away.

Report also to the police and get a safety and barring order and a court order stating he can only see kids under supervision in a specially monitored setting.

I don't see him letting his punchbag go too easily unfortunately for you, but you can only do your best to protect you and the kids now. Also remember he will swear a hole in an iron pot he can change, but at no point ever did you deserve that vile treatment, even if you were the worst person on earth. He used you as a punchbag, he terrorised you, hurt you, and most probably sexually abused you too.

Please remember how badly he made you feel each time you pity him

I agree with all of this.

The person that I mentioned upthread was left with the abiding memory of his mum hauling his dad off him whilst screaming "Leave him alone! You're going to kill him!"

@Forevertrappedhere

I really think that you should speak to a solicitor tomorrow, OP.

Look at the Law Society's database for one near to you.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Al-Alon that help the families of addicts have the 3 c message. I think it’s relevant to your situation
I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it

Everything he did or failed to do was down to him. He could have sought help at any point but didn’t. Nothing you could have done would have stopped his behaviour because he didn’t want to stop. You can’t fix him because how he acts is his choice, only he is responsible for his behaviour and only he could have changed it. He didn’t chose to change because he didn’t want to.

You have done the bravest and wisest thing by getting away. Your only responsibility is to your own wellbeing and safety and that of your children. He is an adult and bears full responsibility for the consequences of his appalling choices - it is on him and only him.

As others have said you should get some advice from WA and social services on the steps you can take to properly protect yourself and your children.

And you know what, @Forevertrappedhere I'd not be at all surprised if he gets with a new very vulnerable woman, fairly soon and then begins beating, strangling and spitting on her.

Would YOU spit on, strangle and hit a partner you loved? Of course you wouldn't.

I can just imagine the snivelling wretch after he has attacked you - how he ''didn't mean it'' how it was his ''terrible childhood'' which made him do it- any old cock and bull bollocks t make you feel sorry for him and give him another chance.

There are always very vulnerable women who want to ''save'' nasty ass men.but they never will be able to 'Save' the man {any more than a decent man can 'save' a woman}- we can only save ourselves.

Men like your ex NEVER change.

Their way of operating is the same, with every partner they have, but the violence gets WORSE.

In time you will see how badly he treated you- and you will be glad you left - your children deserve SO much better.

It sounds like you are trauma bonded, can you speak to your health visitor about a course on trauma bonding? Once you are educated you can open your eyes to it more clearly , but one wrong smack can end a life , men like your DH use emotional blackmail , yes he ended up on a motorway once to dig his heels further into your emotions, trust me you will lose weight, it's the trauma that's making you so down on yourself , you sound like a big hearted woman, you need that push to leave , and you need it fast, you are probably an amazing mother... but you are also doing the wrong thing by your little one's, it's hard i have been where you are , but the guilt will subside once you have had a reality check, I am extremely worried about your situation and I don't know you , this sounds horrendous, you need to decide who is more important him or your kids , I feel for you but please make a decision as quick as you can before it is too late , I wish you love and strength,xx

Please seek help and get out. Nobody should have to endure what you are going through.

Good you left - first step. He will cope and learn to cope. Right now is not constant and will not be this in 6 months time, a year etc.
You need to put kids first I'm sorry. They won't forgive you if you stay in that environment- I've been that child and know.

Keep talking to others to keep you grounded and support you. Don't talk to him one on one, have someone with you even on the phone. If SS get involved they are there to be helpful and support you. Trust in the process.

I'm so glad to read your update OP.

Sometimes we just need to see answers to our questions written down in black and white. From strangers.

You knew you couldn't carry on and just needed the validation that it's okay to take this step. It's massive, huge and I'm sure your family are incredibly relieved.

Stay strong and focused now. He will try every tactic to get his way.

To all those who have been in similar situations and are now free, well fucking done to you all.

You are the prize OP. Remember that even though you don't int feel it right now, one day you will look back and see it's true.

Hitting someone and becoming remorseful and saying sorry and/or you made me do it, I just love you so much, I'll never do it again, all of that is emotional blackmail and manipulation. It's a way to get the abused person to stay by appealing to their better nature and giving them hope that there is potential and if only the victim behaved better this would stop.

The only way to stop is to get out but this must be done carefully with a plan because it is the time when the victim is most at risk of being killed or very seriously harmed.

What a tragic story. That poor boy.
WW1 was ghastly- the abuser was still very wrong to beat an innocent woman.
I know a child beaten severely by her dad - a dentist spoke to her mother in Private about a cracked molar - the child, now a woman used to be hit hard around the head- but it was smoothed over and nothing done.
Two children were thrashed- but the third escaped the beatings.
The third child said he thought the girl in particular would be killed.

Op keep your children safe.

@Forevertrappedhere Firstly well done on leaving this violent and abusive relationship, PLEASE NEVER GO BACK however much he begs you. Take one small step at a time and rebuild your life for yourself and your children. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. What you have done in leaving is the first step on the road to a new and better life. When you needed it most who were the people who really loved you unconditionally? Your mum and your sister - not your abusive partner. I wish you all the best and know you and your children will have a brighter and happier future. Remember its one small step... one small...never looking back...never looking back... keep going and going... NEVER LOOK BACK.

Not a puppy - a monster
Not needing you - using you
Not love - contempt
Not safety - ultimate danger
Not responsibility - imprisoned

Show your family your post OP.

My son has ADHD as do I. He has just moved into a rented property with his partner, aged 21. He has completed his apprenticeship. He has a job that he does really really well in. He cooks, cleans, is learning now to manage his bills and car maintenance etc now he is in his own place. He is kind, he is thoughtful, he is a good man.

I have had a professional career for nearly 40 years. I have managed our children, home, pets etc single handedly (forces family).

Your STBX doesn't behave the way he does because he has ADHD, he behaves like that because he is a manipulative c*nt.

ADHD has absolutely nothing to do with it.

The OP wasn't suggesting it was! She was just listing all his traits and behaviours. I think most MNers concentrated on the appalling physical and verbal abuse the OP was receiving on a daily bases with a 5 and 1 year old in the house and whilst pregnant. Fortunately she seems to have left the home now but this low life has caused her and her children much suffering and harm.

She is still going back to get things I think. He won't know till Friday. Women are at their most vulnerable at the point of leaving. He will complain, whine, woo her, promise to be better, possibly stalk her and get violent towards her and her family, which is why it's good that she's going two hours away.

This isn't over yet and it could be some time before she is safely out of his emotional reach.

A brave first step OP. So glad to read that you are in a place of safety and have got through to the WA. And very sensible to take things one step at a time, whilst you think it all through.

Reading that you said the guilty thoughts and doubts that still run repeatedly through your mind, maybe WA can help you find a professional person to talk to, I think it would really help. But looking at what you've said, it might help ATM to think of the opposite thought? play devils avocate with yourself ? Your sister can probably help work through some of these doubts. It sounds like you have a supportive family.

He'll be so sad. He'll be so scared. - You were sad, You were scared. So were your children probably. Why is his fear and sadness more important than yours, when he is the one creating the fear?
He'll never figure out access or getting his own place - he has the internet like you, there are places he can ask for help with housing.
How will he cope? - he is an adult. You can't continue to put yourself at risk to help him "cope" He needs to learn to cope, by doing it. Its not your job. Your job is to help yourself cope and your DC to cope. He will have to seek help - just as you are.
I'm so awful for doing this to him, - You are not awful you are protecting yourself and your children from his continued abuse. You are not doing anything to him. You are removing yourself from harms way.
He needs me, - He can find another way to live his life but you don't need to live in fear and danger for one more day because of him.

He'll be gutted - Let him be gutted! Aren't you gutted with the suffering he has inflicted on you and DC? Is it worth continuing to suffer to spare him feeling gutted? . Maybe this will be his wake up call to get professional help to sort himself out. YOu cannot protect him from feeling gutted until he escalates his lack of self control into serious danger for you and your dear children. He'd be gutted dealing with the consequences then, but it would be too late for you!
This isn't his fault. Yes it absolutely is his fault. It just is! He doesn't "have" to abuse you, but he does. It isn't your fault. You are not "making" him do this. He has free will and this is a choice for him to behave like this.
I truly have felt all this time that he can't help himself. - Everyone can help themselves if they want to. Even if its to just ask for help. Has he ever acknowledged what he has done and continues to do? What serious effort has he ever made to get help with his condition?

There isn't one pp on this thread that thinks you have done the wrong thing by leaving OP. Everyone was concerned that he was a danger to you and your DC. You have done the right thing to protect yourself.

Op - if you have to go back to the family home to pick up stuff please, please, please take your Dad with you or another male relative.

Keeping all my fingers and toes crossed that you stay strong and leave this god awful specimen of a human for good.

As pp have said it is trauma bond making you feel this way. He will cope. Of course he will but he'll say he can't so you feel bad and go back. Don't.

You really must choose your children and yourself or they may not have you at all if you return.

Well done op. I will be praying for you. If you feel yourself weaken and think about going back come back to this post and we will give you a pep talk and remind you why you made this decision. Re read everything you said here and what people have said to you when you waver.

Don't forget to log out of fb and all social media/change the passwords. It might be wise to avoid all social media linked to your real name for a while.

Don't be scared of SS. They care about the kids and what is best for the kids is to be away from him. Get in before him and contact them first. Tell the police what has happened. Yes he can collect your child from school if he's on the birth certificate. You need a court order or for SS to decide he isn't safe. Woman's aid can advise on this but if you think he will collect from school you should get an emergency court date for a lives with order. They will probably order that short term while they put you on the normal list for court dates. Offer him supervised contact in a contact centre. If you refuse contact you risk being accused of parental alienation. If you insist on supervised you show you accept the kids need relationship with their father (it's wrong but that's how our family court works) but by insisting on supervised you ar more likely to e taken seriously. At first you will probably get this short term and then the court will look at it again in more detail in a few months when you go back. Post on here for advice on family court when the time comes. I've been through it and I represented myself so learnt a lot about the process. And there are many many women here who will be able to explain what their experience was. The main thing is stand firm in supervised. Caffcass or SS may push you to agree to I supervised before court but if you cave to that in their mind you show your concerns are not serious