I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Do not send your child to school. He could walk in and pick your child up as he has parental responsibility.

Get a solicitor. WA will help you find one. You need to have some orders in place to protect you and your children.

Keep calm and just take one step at a time. Focus on keeping your children safe. This path won't always be easy but you and your DC are already more likely to live happy and healthy lives.

Everything he did to you, he chose to do, his ADHD didn't make him do it. He doesn't love you, or he wouldn't spit on you.

Everything you do can be a choice too.

I am so angry with this abusive man whom I don't even know.

I was the victim of a SA when I was 7. (There was a grooming gang of teenage boys in our area.) Yes, it screwed me up mentally and I'm sure that this man's SA will have screwed him up - but it's no excuse for what he has done and is doing.

OP needs to leave with her children.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Apologies, OP. Have just read the updates.

God bless you. I'm glad you've taken these steps.

Please OP, people like this are extremely cunning & evil. They know exactly what buttons to push to get nearly anyone under their control. Please don't blame yourself.
This man is an Incredible danger to your physical & mental health, & your kids. You & your kids are all you should think of. My mother was in a relationship w someone like this when I was born. She ignored red flags bc she was vulnerable at that point, & he was v good at playing the victim. It ended when he suggested he walk, holding me, across a sheer cliffedge mountain path,
Wtf was he thinking? I don't like to think... The point is, it's v scary to think of the depth of evil these people can reach. There is literally nothing some won't stoop. Record & document his abuse however you can. My mum went through hell w contact issues, tho luckily they didn't push in the end, bc she had no proof.
Rooting for you to escape and rebuild your life. Happiness may look impossible now, but it is possible once you're free. Don't give up now! Women's Aid & Refuge will help a lot w rebuilding your life.

Report yourself to Children's Social Care. Show them what you have written here. If work with them doesn't give you the strength to leave then at least your children will be safeguarded. You feel guilty about what will happen to your partner if you leave but your children are getting damaged too. They need someone to put there needs above their fathers. I am really sorry you are going through this, it's awful. It's upsetting just to read it about a stranger. So I wonder how upsetting it is for your children. You really need to learn about the impact of domestic abuse on children. Including the risks to them, your partner will go on to abuse them, if its not happening already it will when they get older and start challenging him. Most murdered children are murdered by men who also abused their mum.

Hi OP just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and sending my very best to you. As WA notes in some of its material, threats of suicide or a man claiming that he cannot survive without you is a common tool of control. Of course it never happens. The aim is to frighten you into compliance and to riddle you with guilt. Understand the tactics that are being used and be wise to them.

I've read all your posts OP and am so pleased you have taken the first steps - well done, it can't have been easy. I suspect that inside you are still thinking that this is temporary and that you'll end up going back to him. I think it's ok to acknowledge that that is what you believe, but just stay open to the possibility of another outcome. If you take it literally day by day, you may find that the days build up and you start to feel stronger. Also, now that you are with your sister, don't hold back when talking to her and the rest of your family. Tell them everything - tell them you NEED their help to stay away as you are worried you won't be able to do it by yourself. There's no shame in it, you just need to lean on people who care about you and make use of their protection.

I know how hard it is to leave someone when you feel so guilty and fear that they won't cope without you. I left my ex-husband two years ago feeling very much the same thing and it had taken me several years to build up to the point of feeling strong enough to do it. He wasn't abusive like yours but was a severe alcoholic and the situation was untenable and incredibly depressing. I put off leaving for a long time due to many of the same fears you are having - he wouldn't cope, he might harm himself (he repeatedly said that if he moved out he would be dead within six months), he wouldn't be able to even do the basics. When I did file for divorce, I hoped that perhaps he would manage to turn things around once I had left as he would kind of have to... I won't lie, it hasn't really happened. He has gone downhill and has spent much of the past year in and out of hospital. It has taken a long time for me to let go of the guilt and sometimes I still feel it.

But despite it all, I STILL don't regret leaving. The peace I have day to day is worth so much - I used to walk home with a knot in my stomach every day not knowing what I was going to find when I entered the house - and I'm with someone new who has shown me that a relationship can be supportive and loving and happy. Impossible though it seems now, you can do this. You just need to keep focused on the goal day by day, and fake it until you make it, with the help of those around you. Keep posting here too if it helps.

The only advice I can give you us from when you say this:

I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

This means you cannot get it right. You literally are unable to do the right thing because the right this is entirely down to his whim. And you cannot ever get it right. My solution was to stop trying. And just leave. Yes there was everything and so many reasons to stay and keep going but what I realised was no matter what I did I could never make him happy.

I sympathise with any woman/man suffering DV I really do, but as soon as there are kids involved I struggle to feel sorry for them.

You may be a victim of his abuse but now your children are a victim of yours. Because by not leaving, they are effectively being abused and you are partly responsible by not protecting them. That’s how professionals see dv now, as a form of child abuse.

Maybe I’m too harsh, I just hate the thought of poor innocent children growing up around this. Victim or not, you are still their mother and are responsible for keeping them safe but right now they are not. You must find the strength to leave to protect your children.

Please - never never doubt or blame yourself. You didn’t kick a puppy, you ran away from a dangerous dog. He’s not the sweet puppy you used to know.
You’ve made the big important step, it will take a while before things feel right again but hope you know you can reach out and help will be there. Police, WA, family, friends, here. 99.9% of people are on your side, don’t be afraid to use them.

Didn't want to read and run. Thinking of you and the children. take everything Minute by minute day by day xxx

I have no advice, I just wanted to wish you strength to help you through the coming hours and days

Leave and let him off himself. Sounds like he is a terrible waste of oxygen. You and your children deserve so much more. Does your supportive family know he treats you like this?

P.S. I meant to mention two things that stood out to me from your first post. Firstly, you are nowhere near "too old" to start again... 36 is young, no matter what it feels like now!! I didn't file for divorce until I was 42 and I had worries about starting over too, but it's a pointless worry as the longer you put it off the older you'll be, obviously, and the only other alternative is staying with this man for the rest of your life. Which sounds very bleak, not to mention dangerous.

Secondly, the fact that he told you that he "doesn't want to be evil like this but it's just the way he's built now". Whether this is true or not, he's telling you who he is. He's doing it under the guise of being temporarily remorseful and asking for sympathy, but he's spelling it out to you really clearly - he won't change, because he can't. There will be no miraculous turnaround.

You are not weak. You've been very very strong.
Yes he can technically collect your son from school anytime he likes. This is why it's so important you tell the police and press charges.
It's going to he tough but you welcome in social services (they're actually really nice) and you tell them everything. The services will be able to help you get court orders etc to protect you and you will be OK I promise.
X

Have you ever experienced domestic abuse? This narrative is not supportive or helpful.
It is an extremely complex situation and "just leave him" is unacceptable. Its not that simple and it blames victims.
Let's just be more outraged about the violence against women inflicted by men and stop blaming the victims!

What do you fear? You have been through the worse humiliations and abuse. Please just go. Is it being lonely? Is it marriage failure? Your case is on the extreme side so please wake up and move on. You have support and you will be loved. Go to therapy, give yourself a change to be happy or at least to live a normal life.

OP, I hope you have opened up to your family to let them know how bad it has been and how much you need their help to stay strong and stay gone.
You need and deserve their support.

He may be sad.
Sad that he doesn't have his punchbag to hand when he wants to lash out.

He may be scared.
Scared he is now going to have to find a new punchbag/doormat because that is more effort than damaging you further to bully you into coming back.

You seem to have been sad and scared for years and you are allowed to have a life where you don't feel that way.

Whether he was abused or not, your ex (I hope) chose to be a beast himself.
He didn't have to be the person he has become, he wants to be that person.
It is not your responsibility or burden to bear.

Please stay away and take some time for yourself and your children.

Like every skill, you get better with practice.
Practice living without him, please, for your own sake and the sake of your children.

It's not as scary as the life you have been living once you get used to it.

A life away from him is a life with a chance to be happy, to remember the things you like, to forge healthier bonds with your children.

Life with him is a chance to become another statistic in the VAWG epidemic we seem to be living in.

Once he is absolutely certain he can't get you back with a few crocodile tears and threats of self harm, he will find another woman to replace you.

Your worth to him is as a target.

You are worth so much more than that.

Stay safe, stay away and reach out for every bit of help you can get.

There is a better life out there for you.

If you stay with him, there is a chance that he will kill you and leave your kids with no mum and their dad in prison. You have control over that situation.

I get that you feel a duty of care over him, but that is through habit. It isn’t like kicking a puppy, it’s like kicking away a wolf that is slowly eating you. You have been lied to and gaslit until you believe him and now you cannot see your worth.

To blame his behaviour on his (claimed) experiences and conditions is doing a disservice to the millions of people who were sexual abused as children, suffer from depression, anxiety and ADHD. These do not excuse his behaviour. The vast majority of people suffering these things do not spit on their wives, mentally torture them and physically abuse them daily.

You can do this. It is in your power and you have an amazing family to support you and your children. Take the help from Women’s Aid. Report to the police to get the wheels in motion for a prosecution against him. Social services are not the enemy here. They will help put measures in place to keep your children safe and prevent your husband from having unsupervised access to them. Yes they will want to see that you don’t return to him- for the safety of the kids. But you desperately need all the support you can get right now so take what you can. Just never, ever go back.

@Forevertrappedhere I have followed this thread today and I just clicked on "see all" and read all of your posts without the other comments. I recommend that you look over your posts and see how much you have achieved by reaching out today.

I want to acknowledge the tremendous thing you have done today. Within an hour of making your plea for help you had contacted Women's Aid and within three hours you had a plan. Within seven hours you had started to enact your plan. This is amazing. I am so proud of you for what you have done for yourself and your children today. Keep going.

It may be hard going in the days to come. Take it one step at a time. You have the support of Women's Aid and the support of MN. We are here if you need a boost.

And fellow MN posters, the support you have shown to the OP so that she could get out of her situation has been a credit to the network.

I'm so glad you're safely with your sister
He has ground you down so far he has shattered your self esteem and confidence. That's why it has taken so much courage to leave
It's called Trauma bonding and that's what kept you in his clutches.
You felt you had no agency because he robbed you of everything you are.
Very slowly, you will get your true self back. As long as you and DC are safe and well. There is no rush now
The world can wait for you to catch your breath.
Womens aid will help you with a plan and get you as much support as you need, even if that is a refuge to protect you and DC
I promise you this, in time you and your DC will thrive but very gently one step at a time for now.

I'm begging the OP not to go back to her abuser.

Someone very dear to me had terrible memories of the abuse that his mum received at the hands of his dad. He grieved when his dad died and his mum grieved terribly. There's no doubt that his dad suffered from PTSD, following his experiences in the Great War - this was only realised years later.

Nevertheless, the memories stayed with him until he died in his 80s. He described hiding behind his mother's skirts as an infant while she was being beaten and worse.

He also suffered guilt. He couldn't understand why his mum didn't just leave. He was in his late teens when his dad died. His dad had mellowed by then...but that might have been because he was physically ill, hence the dad's early death.

When he reached his twenties, the boy saw his birth certificate for the first time. That was when he discovered that he'd been brought up by kin, but not by his actual parents. The woman who looked after him in every way, his "Mum", who had suffered such terrible abuse and who had hauled his "Dad" off him when his dad punched him in the face for being cheeky as a teenager had had no actual legal right to him. She had stayed for his sake.

Please OP. Protect your children. Can you imagine being tormented by those memories for 80 years?