I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

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I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Yes I left and got through it. Absolutely I'm happier now. I'm not going to lie the first bit was hell as he fought me for the kids. But in protecting the kids it constantly reaffirmed I was right to leave for the children. I accepted an abusive marriage because of my childhood. To save my kids from being abusers/abused I had to leave.

It's weird now when I think on it. Suffering like I did every day you get numb to it. The idea of someone hurting me like that now would be massive, i would feel it and react. but when you are in it every day it doesn't even hurt that much after a while. But it is hurting you emotionally even if you are numb to the physical.

So proud of you for getting out OP. It's completely understandable for you to be panicking and feeling guilty but that guilt is just because your brain has been gaslit to think you are responsible for him in the same way you're responsible for your little ones. You aren't, and going back would be the irresponsible thing, not the responsible thing. Your feelings are real, but they are a reflection of how you've been treated, not how things should be. I'm rooting for you.

GET AWAY!!!!! for fucks sake get out, and save your children and yourself. No-one deserves this in any way shape or form. You are better than this, and deserve better. Get out. Please get out....🙏

My advice is leave in stages. Every time you visit family take something. Kids paperwork, your bank paperwork mortgage will etc etc. Photos (I left without mine and lost all my eldest baby photos). Buy toothbrushes pjs etc and have them ready at parents. So the day you leave you don't have to worry about taking that stuff/buying it when you are an emotional mess.

Then keep a bag packed in the car. You have a 1 year old so it won't look weird to have a nappy bag always ready in the car. Write yourself a list on your phone if essentials you will have to pack the day you leave. Kids teddy stuff that you could not secretly move now as needed daily.

It's not leaving and you don't have to follow it through. Think that if it's easier to do it that way. Because the truth is you are thinking about it and if he picks that up he will ramp the abuse up and you will have to flee in a rush. Even if he is blindsided by it you may find one day you just find the guts and walk out. You need to have what you need ready.

And think about how you will prove the abuse for family court. My biggest regret was not getting proof. If lord got him for years and covered it up so when I finally left and he came for the kids it was an unholy battle and the most stressful experience of my life. If I had proof it would have been hard but not on the same level

I don’t think I’ve ever read anything so awful. You absolutely have to leave. Please stay strong and don’t give in to the urges to return. You just can’t!

Firstly don't ever call yourself stupid. You are not stupid. You're not responsible for someone else's abusive manipulative controlling behaviour. Many women from all walks of life suffer at the hands of horrible dysfunctional men. He could have a personality disorder or anything. Their tactics work. So please don't feel weak or dumb.

You are a survivor x

Read the updates.
Well done OP
Two things - he is not a poor little heartbroken puppy who needs comforting. He is a vicious XL Bully that is angry he's lost control of his victim.
Secondly - it is not your fault. Any of it.

Ok
Please speak to a councillor
You need mental health support
There is a syndrome where the victim can't stop helping the abuser and feeling sorry for them. It's called Stockholm syndrome. The victim develops an emotional and psychological dependence for the abuser.
Only a councillor can support you fully.
It will be easy for those who have never been in the cycle to say snap out of it but your brain won't allow you to. Once you understand this then you can understand how to break this guilt and dependence. A psychiatrist will explore your childhood etc. also your abuse has resulted in such low self esteem and his hot and cold mentalilty has caused to to have dopamine release when he is hot. Hence when he is cold you seek the dopamine so will try to please him to get it.

Please please please speak to your GP for a referral.

I'm so glad you have a family. Also call Samaritans any time of day or text them just to vent etc.

You are important.

We are all here for you.

Take care lovely

I'm shocked to read your post. This is not ok. Please stop thinking about his needs and think about yourself and your DC.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. If you can, ring women's aid and Google the freedom programme. Generally you pay for this programme but most of it is available online. The things you mention about this excuse of a man are all listed as abuse.

I left my abusive ex in November 2019. He never hit me, but he was extremely abusive. His last threat was that he was going to shoot me because he had access to a shotgun. I was terrified that I couldn't cope, again this is another tactic that abusers use, they make you feel worthless. I can happily say that now I am a different person, although my mental health still suffers very badly.

You could go to your family but it's best that he doesn't know where you are, because he will manipulate you. I wish you the best of luck, I believe in you and I promise you things will get better ♥️

This is what I was trying to say and deserves reapeating, please seek help OP you don’t have to try to do this alone

I left a bad relationship a few months ago, not as bad as yours. Mumsnet was a huge help in giving me the push to end it. One or two comments really stuck with me and I repeat them to myself when feeling any doubt.
Similar to you I feel some guilt about my ex as he didn't want to split and is now rewriting history to blame it all on me, how he misses the kids and just wants his family life back (when we lived together he was aggressive to the kids, surly to me and moaned incessantly about how he hated his life and everything in it). You have to remember some of the issues probably aren't his fault, but that doesn't mean they are your responsibility either.
I was unsure whether leaving would actually be any better but honestly I immediately felt like a huge weight had been lifted, it felt like seeing in colour again after black and white. Things have carried on getting better.
You need to learn to love yourself. You sound very loveable and deserving from your posts but that doesn't matter - you have to value yourself first before you can be in a relationship with someone else.

Hi OP,
I hope that you can stay safe in the care of your extended family. Well done for leaving I’m rooting for you.

If you do choose to go back please give up your children to your parents or sister’s kinship care. They are not safe in a home with their dad. As you are pregnant you would still be putting your unborn child at high risk until they are born and in the safe care of your family/parents/sister.

You blame some of your partners behaviours on childhood abuse. What effect do you think it will have on your own children if they become aware of their dad trying to strangle/drown their mum - or killing her. (Or hurting/killing them). As adults they in turn will be affected by these experiences and you need to break the cycle for the next generation.

If your partner can’t function without you, for example he can’t get up and get to work he will lose his job. That’s not the end of the world - plenty of people don’t work/don’t function well as adults. That’s okay.

I hope you can lean on your family, rest and start to feel safe. Your ex is an adult and responsible for them self and their behaviour.

So pleased to read your update OP, what a remarkable woman you are. Hope you manage to get some quality sleep tonight.

I am not going back. I keep telling myself that. But ALL I can think about now is poor J. He'll be so sad. He'll be so scared.

Anytime you think this then just think of your kids.

They should come first and you being with him makes you a bad parent.
You don’t want to go back to being a bad parent.

Think about how scared and sad they are/would be growing up in this situation.

His feelings or your feelings shouldn’t be put above your poor kids.
Please remember that.

Also you feeling guilty is part of the abuse.
You stay because you feel so sorry for him - that’s not a relationship.
He treats you terribly and yet you feel sorry for him - that’s mad!!

Well done you for being strong for your kids.
I truly wish you good luck and hope you don’t go back to him.

There will never be happiness for you and your children if you stay, you would be condemning them to a terrible life. The chance of happiness though it won't be immediate is worth leaving for

Well done OP.

You’ve been skilfully reading his moods, feelings, trauma, anger and violence for YEARS. You’ve had to put him first in order to survive and to try and protect your children. It’s been a full time job from the minute you open your eyes. Every single day. For years.

It’s therefore going to be tough to put anyone else first, and it won’t happen overnight. Be kind to yourself. You are not weak for feeling like this, this is how you learned to (try to) minimise the abuse. You have survived. You’ve done so, so well ❤️

Someone upthread referred to your feelings for him as an addiction, which feels spot on. He's insinuated himself so tightly into your life and brain controlling and manipulating your emotions and thoughts, that it's hard to separate yourself from his influence. You feel like you need him, but you really don't. Dump all feelings of pity for him. His situation is his problem, not yours. Your priority is your children and yourself. If he is sad, angry, mad, not your problem as long as you are all safe from him.

I feel it is essential you call social services. It's obvious you are concerned about the implications of not leaving sooner therefore subjecting your children to living with a dangerous man. This won't happen. It's far more likely to happen if in a moment of weakness you return. Social services can insist given the history he has no contact until he can prove he is stable enough even then I gather it would be supervised contact at least I hope it would be.

'I feel like I've kicked a puppy' Try to see it as living with an XL bully who can turn on a whim & destroy you. You have been surviving nasty bites. It's only a matter of time before the bites could change to tearing you apart most likely to your death resulting in leaving your children without a mother. You will have as much support as you need to get through this. It definitely won't be easy but it will be worth it 🙏

Just wanting to add what others are saying- well done, OP, keep strong. You know you're doing the right thing so keep going. Keep your eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel. All the best.

Get out for the sake of your children, if you can't do it for yourself. Can you imagine the abusive cycle they will become part of if you stay? You owe it to them to give them the childhood your husband (apparently) didn't have.

You are extraordinarily brave. Well done on leaving. I understand that your thoughts and emotions are in turmoil, but please believe everyone here that you have done the right thing. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing at all. Your ex is the one who should feel deep remorse for his abusive behaviour. But you know what? He never, ever will. He will try to paint himself as the victim, he'll beg you to come back, he'll promise to change. But it won't happen. He is who he is. Whether that is partly due to an abusive childhood or ADHD, it doesn't matter. He is abusive. If he'd wanted to change, he would have. You owe him nothing. Absolutely nothing.

The hard part is still to come. Please stay strong and don't go back. Here's a cautionary tale for you: an older relative of mine was married to an abusive man. They had 5 children together. She is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met, a highly respected expert in her field. But her intelligence didn't save her from her husband's abuse. My parents and everyone else in the family begged her to leave him. She got away from him once and stayed away for almost a year. But he was a master manipulator and she allowed herself to believe that he had changed. He hadn't. She stayed with him for 25 years, until her children were adults or nearly so. She finally left after he attacked her one last time and left her unconscious.

We were all relieved when she finally got out. But her children have been damaged and they will never fully recover. They are remarkable people because they have not become abusive themselves, but they suffer every day. They have all experienced mental health issues, some more severe than others. All of it could have been avoided.

Please don't let that happen to your children. Stay strong. I'll be thinking of you.

Is he on the birth certificate op? Are you married?

OP you already sound so much stronger than you did in your fist post. You CAN do it. It’ll be really hard but you can

Just stop. You clearly have no idea of what coercive control can do. Just don't comment if you can't be helpful.

I keep thinking what the hell am i doing?

You're saving you and your children's lives....please do it OP, this man is evil.