I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Well done for getting out. Do not go back. Ever.

Your children are young and won’t remember any of their Dad with any luck. I doubt he will want to be involved. My abusive ex threatened to run off with our dd then aged 6 months to Thailand of all places and I had to put a passport stop on all ports for her. He even turned up at her nursery one day unannounced trying to see her. Thankfully they rang me and didn’t let him in. That was 21 years ago now. He moved to America when she was younger and she has hardly anything to do with him now. When they are very little it is the easiest time to leave. Good luck.

OP please ignore these sorts of ignorant comments, it’s not helpful to you and it’s not reflective of the responses you’ve received.

You are doing amazing! Keep going. It WILL get easier. Every time you feel guilty or bad for him remind yourself that it’s just a trauma response; he has treated you and your children appallingly. He is an abuser. Keep repeating to yourself that you and your children deserve better and deserve to feel safe. You’ve got this.

You know what you have to do. He's going to potentially kill you one day. But you need to tell someone. A gp. A medial professional. The police. A nurse. Someone professional that will be able to help you access all you need. You cannot put your children through this! I just left an abusive relationship but it was nowhere near this terrifying and no way would I let him near any children. To put you in that position is one thing. But those poor poor children. Please give them the life they deserve. They will have to live with all this forever.

You've done the hard bit and left, OP. There will be other difficult bits but you've taken the first steps. Read your opening post as many times as you need to if you start to wobble. You have an army of women willing you on, just behind your shoulder with words of encouragement.

Someone mentioned that he could just go and get my son from school one day. Ill speak to the school but does he have equal rights even in this situation? I will call WA tomorrow but does anyone know?

We have never had SS involved, his custodial was before we had our first. Yes im aware of how stupid I am but i really did think he had changed. He had for a while. Hew as brilliant. And then it slowly slipped and slipped and became the norm. I'm terrified of SS involvement now and them being against me becuase og how long I stayed.

Those saying he survived before me and will after - weve been together 10 years but I have been supporting him since he was 18 - his parents kicked him out. At the time i thought they were bigots, racist and abilist due to his ADHD. I know this isnt my issue and im not his mother but just wanted to explain where the thinking came from

He is not your responsibility. He is a grown adult. Your responsibility is to your children and keeping this abusive man away from them. Keep telling yourself this even if you don’t believe it. You won’t always feel this way. There is a time not too far away when you will have more clarity and you will be happy. Every moment is further from his abuse and violence, and closer to the happy, safe future you deserve. Just keep going.

It’s a trauma bond. Read into it.
There is also an excellent book called why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. Please read it.

Please leave before he leaves your gorgeous children without a mum. He's very likely to just go and find himself a new victim unfortunately. Leave and don't every look back.

No not if you explain to them keep your son off phone them and explain that you have gone to your family I think that they will understand, I know you must be so nervous but you are doing the right thing for you and your children before it's to late
Your family will be over the moon that you are away from that animal and you and children will be safe and sound you are not weak you are so strong doing the right thing x @Forevertrappedhere

OP Well done. Well done for finding your fight. You should be so proud of yourself.

Social services might get involved. But that's ok. They will be another safety net for you, as long as you stay away from him, and they will help you stay away from him. You'll be fine :)

Keep going. You're doing brilliantly.

It's about bloody time he learnt to stand on his own two feet, shall I tell you something. My son has ADHD. He was diagnosed when he was 6. He's 17 now. He holds down a job. He gets himself up for his job, he makes his own food now and again when I'm not around, he will even take care of our dog when I'm away for a few days. ADHD doesn't stop someone fending for themselves.

Your babies will thank you one day, they deserve so much more than watching their poor mother go through what you have been through.

Stay strong

I've recently left someone very similar. By which I mean possible childhood SA, ADHD, depression, and who was abusive. We didn't have kids together and he wasn't violent, and it took me over 10 attempts to leave. I kept going back, for EXACTLY the reasons you've written in your post here.

I don't have much wisdom to share, except that I know how it feels, and that awful inner struggle. You describe it as feeling like you have kicked a puppy. I have described it as feeling like I am watching someone drowning while standing doing nothing. It is horrific and the guilt is like nothing else. Because of course, they have managed to convince you that it is your job to save them.
It isn't. It's no-ones job to save them, and the only person who can help them is themselves, and there is a chance I think for some people that they cannot help themselves much. Sometimes people surprise us - in our absence they find new reserves we previously couldn't have imagined and they manage somehow to carry on in some fashion. But regardless of whether he does or not, it isn't your fault. You staying isn't going to save him. Not really. You think it is, because he's convinced you of that, but it's not true. All it does is pull you and the kids down into his own horrible personal quicksand. No-one benefits from that. He will be no better, but as well you and your children will be terribly harmed or even killed. The cost just isn't worth it.

I know the guilt is hard to bear, and I just want to reassure you that how you are feeling is NORMAL. It's a normal response to how he's behaved for so long. But it isn't a sign that you should return to him. Well done for getting out, and I wish you and the kids all the luck and happiness in the world. You deserve so much that he isn't - and never will - be able to offer.

I had to stop reading . This is horrific. Please leave. Get on to women's aid and get yourself and kids into a refuge . He will kill you one day.

Well done on taking this step OP 💙

Let your midwife know what is going on, you don't need to go into details but they can add a note to your record, if it's like our system it'll be added under a discreet password protected field. It you decide to give birth in hospital they should ask before letting anyone in but having a note will make extra sure he doesn't get in. If they have his phone number as a second contact ask for it to be removed.

And if you will be missing any antenatal appointments or scans while you're away let your midwife know. You or your midwife should be able to contact the local maternity unit where you're staying to arrange antenatal care there and if you think you'll give birth there they can book you in.

You're doing a really hard thing, keep reaching out for help and lean upon whatever community you have or can build around you. People will want to help. Wishing you the best of luck.

Lots of updates from the op, she is at her sisters and has spoken to WA.

OP I really think you need to find medical help to help you to unwind all these thoughts that are spinning around in your head. I don’t think it’s a simple as some are making out on here, he has totally taken over your mind, your thinking, and has left you in turmoil. It’s good that you’ve taken the first step but please seek help from a doctor, take all the love and assistance that your family are offering but you need professional help, he has brainwashed you. You are strong and you can do this, think of your beautiful children. I hope WA have given you a contact to phone every time you doubt yourself. You have an army of women on here willing you through this one small step at a time.

Stop feeling sorry for him. He is an abusive bully. He doesn't deserve sympathy.

OP feel free to PM me. I can share more of my experience. I am 10 months on from kicking my husband out. He died 3 weeks ago. I can absolutely understand the mixture of feelings. Good luck

Well done for getting out. Your feelings and doubts and are normal after years of emotional abuse and gaslighting.
If your children are staying at their schools then yes their dad would be able to pick them up. Assuming they know him and he's on the birth certificate. Speak to school and ask for advise. They may call you if he attempts. I had to get a prohibited steps order after my ex tried to take the children, its a court order and says he is not allowed to remove them from my care/school.
I was also scared of ss but they were never involved with me as I had left the relationship and was engaging with womens aid.
My ex is not allowed any contact with our children as court deemed him too high a risk, he was abusive to them aswll as me.

A truly horrific read. @Forevertrappedhere I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago and posted under a different name and I can confidently say Mumsnet saved my life. I couldn't see the wood for the trees. I absolutely dread what would've happened if I had stayed. I was trauma-bonded too, but I slowly began to realise how utterly abusive he was and I felt nothing but disgust and anger for what he had done to me and my dd.

You need to leave, and you know that. For your children's sake if nothing else.

Also :

Fuck his feelings. Fuck his bullshit. Fuck his fake lies. And fuck his excuses.

He is an abuser. They will never ever change. You need to start focusing on that and stop feeling guilty about what he has done to you.

Please look after yourself and keep in contact with WA and contact the police too.

There are so many people out there with ADHD who live full lives and can figure stuff out. It doesn't mean they are stupid, often far from it.

He has led you into believing he is incapable so you became the good little wife doing everything for him. He absolutely can cope for himself.

You are SO STRONG. We are all behind you.

OP, I've read your posts with horror for what you're going through and deep compassion for you. You are so brave to be taking the first steps.

Two things especially stand out to me. I hope that my experience might help a little. One, how guilty you feel - I'm sure other posters have told you you are not responsible for this man, you are only responsible for your children. It took me 10 years to leave my ex and I really beat myself up about it. A friend said to me: maybe, no matter how awful things were, that's the time you needed to be absolutely sure you were doing the right thing for you and the kids. That lifted the guilt off me that I hadn't acted sooner.

And secondly, he used to threaten to tell the courts/social services all sorts of lies about me so he would be able to keep the children (it turned out pretty quickly after I left that he didn't want the children; he just wanted to hurt me). I was absolutely terrified, but one day I summoned up the courage to mention it to my health visitor. She was so reassuring and said that for a mother to have young children taken away from her she would have to have done something truly awful, and that SS wouldn't believe his lies. I started to sleep at night again after that.

More than 20 years later, I still sometimes wake up and feel overwhelmed with relief that I no longer have to face him. You will be free and you will start to live again. FWIW, I now have a wonderful husband, but that's not the most important thing. The most important thing was that I learned to live on my own with my children and to value myself. You will too. You will get stronger every day.

Goodness op what on earth do you feel guilty about??? You have nothing to feel guilty about whatsoever. Go to your family and cut contact with this ‘man’. You leaving is saving and rescuing your children. You cannot stay. I fear you won’t all survive if you do. Even if you do all survive, your children will be so so affected by this toxic abuse in their childhoods. Pack and leave. Call women’s aid tomorrow and go. Best of luck xx

This was me a few months ago. One day I couldn't cope anymore and I called the police. He was arrested and my new life began. I've gone back to work and taken on another couple of roles (I won't say too much on here as outing). I had really good support from wa who were amazing. I really thought I couldn't do it, I assure you I'm flying when I thought I would crash. It was the best thing for my child and one of the hardest things I've ever done but I can't tell you how amazing I feel!. You can and will do this. Feel free to pm me x

Keep kids off school until you’ve spoken to the safeguarding lead. In some cases the Head is a designated safeguarding lead, so talk to them if necessary. Be honest, don’t sugar coat anything, tell them you’ve left for your safety and your kids safety. Tell them that you need a guarantee that they will prevent him from collecting kids. He might well be able to collect them, if they say this ask them what you need to do to stop this, follow their advice.
As I said before, I would keep kids off school until you have taken steps. They are young, can catch up, but it’s an unsettling time for you all, and keeping them with you and close family would be best for you all. There’s a lot of dust to settle OP, so keep it as simple as you can.
x

If you can't do it for yourself, please do it for your children. It's only a matter of time before he starts treating them the same