I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Good Luck OP. Take one day, or one hour or even one minute at a time.

You deserve safety and respect and your kids deserve a safe home.

Well done for taking the first steps to leaving. Don’t feel any guilt towards him. If you stay you’re going to have a lot more guilt towards your children. There is no excuse for treating a partner like he is treating you. Block him, change your number so he cannot guilt trip you and start the rest of your life. Good luck

If it hasn't been said, cancel any accounts like sky etc for house. Phone, Internet etc.... I'd say to close out the electric account too but they need to send someone for final readings. But I'd phone them and let them know you are leaving and they can always check the meter when you've left.

He can open his own accounts with whomever he likes but, cancel down anything that you pay bills for.

Take the paperwork when you leave so you can speak to these places again if needed

Dear OP you are being so brave. You are showing such courage in taking the steps you have. Huge huge hand hold from us all!

Please make sure that you are documenting the abuse with a professional-your midwife, your GP, the police, anyone in a position to testify that he's not safe to have his custody of his children. He will seek to hurt you using them-the conviction will be a huge red flag but get as much evidence as you can. Please be aware that there may welll be social worker involvement but use them to help you, don't be scared. They only want your children's best interests at heart. Yours won't be the first such story they will have heard. Please do let us know how you get on when it's safe xx

Refer yourself to social services and let them help you. This is the most horrific thing I’ve read on here in a long time. You have to leave

You’re unable to leave because he’s brainwashed you and made you dependant on him by being charming some of the time and emotionally blackmailing you by saying he will kill himself and that he suffered abuse as a child. You won’t regret leaving. Your children will think this is all normal behaviour. Do you want them to grow up and start acting the same way in relationships, now at school and in the future? Get help like other posters have said. Talk to someone on the ‘phone who can help you❤️

You have a supportive family and a responsibility to protect your 3 children. I’m sorry op, I don’t have any sympathy. Pack bags and leave. That’s it. The rest is waffle. Just do it.

Well done, first step. Keep reminding yourself that, in all the time you've known him, he's not changed. He won't change this time. People like him (and my exH) are masters at manipulation. They know the buttons to press. Guard those buttons, ignore the pleas, keep thinking of all the nasty, horrible things he's done and remind yourself that he will keep doing them. You deserve better.

I left my ex after continuously trying to make it work. I even bought my own place then accepted the chance to 'talk it all through' with him. Then one day I was out with a friend and missed 15 calls from him. All getting progressively more foul mouthed as I hadn't immediately called him back. I gave the phone to my friend who said 'that's it isn't it. Divorce time'. I made the appointment the following day. I was 37 years old when I divorced having been married for 16 years.

A few months after my divorce I was in my house on my own and felt so content. Then I realised it was because I wasn't waiting for the key in the lock, trying to work out what mood he was in so I could 'match' my mood. Being 'busy' so he wouldn't think I was lazy. I could lay on the sofa watching a film eating a bag of crisps without him saying I'd get fat/should be doing 'stuff' or whatever.

Don't worry about the thoughts of 'no-one will ever love me, I'm too fat, too ugly, too whatever'. That's the manipulation. Concentrate on getting stronger, getting peace and starting to decide what life you want. You will have wobbles, that's normal. But, in time, the new you will look back and see how far you've come and be amazed.

I'm now remarried (I was 41 when we married, 43 when I had our son). My DH, if I'm laying on the sofa watching a film when he comes in, will make me a cup of tea and leave me to it. I've never been told I'm lazy, never been called fat (even though I'm two stone overweight). Why? Because that's not the way a person who loves you behaves.

There is a great future out there for you. Just keep remembering that.

why are you posting here. If it is to see it written down so you don’t doubt yourself the hear this. Leave. He’s an adult. He is responsible for his actions.
To top all the hurt and abuse , you’re not even helping him. You’re facilitating his behaviour. no one is happy - including him.
leave before more damage is done. If your family is supportive go to them.
Worrying about not getting someone else is also not a reason… being single is way way better than being with him. one step at a time.

Good luck and stay strong!

You owe him nothing.

You owe yourself and your DCs everything. Make decisions based on this and leave him. If he fails at life it's on him not you.

Good luck starting afresh x

@Forevertrappedhere oh OP i needed two attempts to finish your first post…it sounds so horrible and really hit me. Your poor children. Glad they have a mother who loves them so much and that love will give you strength you need. You deserve so much better

Good decision to get out. You owe that to yourself and kids. You owe him nothing. He’s an abuser.

take photos of any pension statements, mortgage statements, get copies of utility bills, empty your share of bank account plus some for kids. Set up post redirection. Take clothes and anything sentimental which you could t replace, whether a special book, picture, photos or jewellery. Take anything of value that is yours or kids.

stay strong and good luck. You are doing the right thing.

This is the hardest bit but you're going to slowly get yourself back and you absolutely deserve a happy life. You WILL have a happy life. You're doing the best for your children too, this is horrific and very damaging for them so you're absolutely doing the right thing xx sending you so much luck xx you won't need it, you've got this ❤️

Hi! I am with my sister. I have logged on with her laptop.
Ive created a new email address and changed the verification method to the new email address. I shall sort everything else another time. Ive been sitting here a while just thinking

First off thank you so much for all the replies. I cant tell you how much they helped. Its only now im reading them as warm. At the time I just needed to be told what to do and the pressure helped me just act. Its all starting to feel real now.

Those who are asking why I stayed and it was selfish - I really cant explain it very well but please understand ive hated myself for staying but have felt unable to leave.

I am not going back. I keep telling myself that. But ALL I can think about now is poor J. He'll be so sad. He'll be so scared. He'll never figure out access or getting his own place one the dust has settled. How will he cope? He will be so sad. Im so awful for doing this to him, he needs me, hell be gutted, this isnt his fault. Ive realised that is the crux of it. I truly have felt all this time that he cant help himself. That he is a victim of himself and ADHD and depression. That he hates who he is and cant help this. Just realising that and writing it has helped something shift. I dont know what. I dont feel stronger but i feel less guilty and a smidgen of supressed anger. The thing that will be the hardest for me isnt the missing him. I wont 'miss' him in that sense. Its the sheer heart stopping panicy-guilty-OMG GO NOW AND SOOTHE him feeling i get when i think of him realising its over. It makes me feel sick. I feel awful when i think of it. Like i have kicked a puppy. And the other thing is the fear I love him too much to cope without him - even though sometimes deep down i dont think i love him at all. Its like i feel truly obligated to be here and act like i love him but i dont. I cant articulate very well. I started shaking once i got to my sisters and still am a bit. I'm not currently scared but feel full of adrenaline.

I couldnt get my thoughts coherent so i sent myself the longest, rambliest whatsapp messages. That helped. a lot.

Once again, thank you all. I still have so much to figure out and hoenstly I cant imagine life without him so im not - im focusing on the next thing. Bedtime. Getting to Mums. Getting to the midlands. Getting through the week.

Take each day as it comes. Remember to come back to read all the replies, we are all with you.

Who do you love more… your husband or your children?

Its time to make that choice.

You are the adult here. Take some control back.
Get up, shake yourself off and hold your head high and get out!

One day at a time, you have cleared the first big hurdle by getting out, you can do it, you are a lot stronger than you think you are.

Many women would have given up years ago living the 10 years of hell you have lived...you are strong and amazing.

Get all the help you can from outside agencies, police, family, you don't need to do this alone.

God Bless. x

It isnt about love. I dont think you understand what a head fuck this all is and how messed up everything is. I cant think straight. I want to cry and scream and numb out. I want to run back home. I want to rip my hair I out. I want to beg my childrens forgiveness. And i want the turmoil inside me to stop, for one moment, for the guilt, the pain, the hell, the hurt, the fear to all go away.

I adore my children.

You are so strong op. Well done on the first step, just take it a day at a time and do not go back. No matter what he says or does. As you said, each time you went back it was even worse. Take all the help from the people who can help you and are there for you💐

Well done for getting out.

Please, please do not feel guilty, it is not your fault. Focus on what you can do, as you say, one step at a time.

Darling he was alive before he got with you he is just a selfish twart by the sounds of things and a evil one at that,
next time he goes to work, keep the children off school go to your family and tell them what's happening for all of you the way your living is fair on anyone, your family will help you need this because the way it's going you won't be there if he strangles you and hits you that could end in you not being around please please go to your family for your children's sakes please @Forevertrappedhere

You’ve done the right thing. You are worried about him because that’s your habit- but now it’s time to think about you. Give him back responsibility for himself. Well done. Don’t even think of going back. Tell people the truth. Don’t be ashamed. Not your shame - it’s his.

Op you aren’t awful, you are a victim of what he has been doing to you. Maybe he does have issues from childhood and some nd but the best thing for him to do is be on his own and sort out his issues. You need to not be there because you aren’t safe and you can’t help him because you have to help yourself and your children. He is an adult he can reach out to professionals for help.

You have to be strong for yourself and the kids.