I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

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I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

I think, from what I’ve read in your first post, you’re only going to be able to leave him if you do it for the children. You have to do it for them. If you don’t, things will be bad for them. Get advice from people who know about these issues. You’ll start to see there is a pattern to this and other women experience the exact same things.

Please do leave, I'm sure the impact on you is really bad. The effect on your children will be just as bad, if not worse xxx

This is awful. Good luck with everything x

I know I am late to this thread but know you're not alone in the suffering he is putting you through but you can get out.

I lived it. I was beaten with a hammer, I had cigarettes put out on me and forced to not sleep. When he wanted sex I had to do it and he would do it with a large knife at my throat threatening to slice me all the way down and fuck me with it if I didn't seem like I was enjoying it.

I was weak and couldn't face a court case after I went to the police but the evidence of my body being black and blue put him away for 5 years. I should have gone for rape but I didn't want my parents to find out he did that so I never reported it.
Turns out my parents went to the court case anyway.

I was just 20 when this happened. If I can do it, you can.

OP, you’re probably not aware of this but men that threaten to kill themselves were their partners to leave end up actually killing their partners. Be careful. Save yourself & DC. Leave. Now.

So unfair for you to have brought children into this mess ... and you're about to have a third one. Wow.

You need to leave him so at least your children don't grow up thinking this is normal or reasonable behaviour.

I'm glad I can now see you're actually making plans to go. Don't change course. YOu need to leave. For their sake if you don't want to do it for yourself.

Good luck.

please let us know you are ok x we are all so proud of you! you are one million percent doing the right and best thing for yourself and your children

Really?

Really!?

Do fuck off with your judgy comments, we only know what the OP has said here - you don't know if what happened was even consensual / coerced

I grew up in a house with very similar violence to this, my father was terribly abusive and I lived with him and my step mother. The trauma from the abuse witnessed still haunts me. I promise you, nothing gets better, no amount of begging, pleading, believing another child will help, leaving for a day or two will change the situation. You need to muster every ounce of strength for you and your children and leave. Forget or bury all or those thoughts that he won't cope without you. I assure you, he will, otherwise, how is he able to go to his grandparents and make his way to work without you, he uses his incompetence as a way to abuse you, to keep you in check and keep you compliant. He is weak, he knows this and turns it into your weakness. Take small steps and fight for your freedom with every ounce of strength you have x

Yes this. Also on the off chance he reports you for parental kidnap it is documented that you have fled for safety.

my mother was repeatedly hit daily and often beaten daily.
sexually abused.
then he did it to me when she was so broken she could no longer care when she was smacked etc

my life is the life your children will have if you do not leave.

cptsd and the plethora of awful mental health issues it brings are one thing but despite being potentially very able to have a successful career etc I instead developed addictions to drugs and drink, I was promiscuous, I have had so little self worth I’ve put myself in situations where I could have been killed on numerous occasions and have been raped more than once.

whilst my life is together now I still have flashbacks and no amount of therapy and I’ve had them all will stop them.

don’t let your beautiful children be writing this to someone else in 30 years, begging a stranger online to not allow their children to live they life they’ve led.

leave, not for you, for your kids.

You are fucking AMAZING.

Every step you take to your new life takes your children to a better, safer future with you.

Remember - be ready for your prgress to not be linear. Some days, you'll nearly crack. DON'T. Your kids, your future, your life, all depend on you keep on keeping on.

One step in front of the other. Calmly, quickly, keep going.

This is horrific.

You say if you leave you will have nothing, but at the moment you have nothing. You can't loose anything if you leave. What is the worst that would happen if you left?

You are not the problem here, he is and it sounds like he has abused you so much and for so long that you have lost that confidence in your decision making.

As other suggest go to women's aid. Or just grab your kids stuff in a bag, leave when he is out and don't look back. He will.not change and this blackmailing you saying he will kill himself of you leave is Bullshit. In any case he is slowly killing you and he will soon move o to doing the same to your kids.

I really hope you can find a way out of this.

I really hope you leave tomorrow. When you have children you have to do what is best for them and doing what is best for you IS what is best for them in this situation. It is vital.

I didn't think I'd cope without my husband and worried how the kids would cope. The reality is the kids and I are doing better than I'd ever have believed and he is not doing well. Well, better not as he's met a new woman 🙄

I am so, so sorry that you suffered all that.

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Hi OP
Im new here but good luck. You should remember financial docs or images of them on your phone if it’s too suspicious to get the originals. CSA all the way

Please update xx

Take yourself off any shared bank accounts, what about mortgage or rent? Who's name is it in? If he won't go to work is he going to rack you up thousands in debt?

I left an abusive partner when our daughter was a baby. I'd tried several times and he'd threaten suicide and cry, and honestly I was young and hadn't ever witnessed what a positive relationship was supposed to look like so I didn't know how bad it was (and it wasn't as bad as yours). The trigger for me was when he came home in the middle of the night drunk, snatched our child from my arms and was yelling at me while she was crying. That's when I realised staying for her to keep her parents together was the very worst thing I could do. I still had doubts and a moment where I nearly went back to him over the next couple of months. 6 months later it was like I'd woken up from a spell and felt disgusted with myself, couldn't believe I had doubts and have never doubted it ever since. I only shave shame I was ever with him. Stay strong, it will pass.

It's bad but I thought this too, would almost be a blessing if he did.

OP- I'm in absolute awe of your strength. I know you don't have confidence in yourself that'll you'll stay gone from him. But I'm reading your posts and I think you've got this. You're one step closer to a safer and happier future.

Keep going. I know this thread will stay with me. I hope the advice and prayers and support from others on here will stay with you.

All that self loathing, the confusion etc that's what he has done to you, OP. He has probably told you no-one will ever love you criticised your appearance and so on. He's done that to wear you down and make you stay. Stop believing him, have faith in yourself.

I wish I could give you a bug hug. Sending you very best wishes for the next few days. Keep strong. You have an army of people here on MN backing you up. There's always someone here to listen.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Well done for taking the first step. He sounds horrific, you and you children willl be so much better off without him.

Maybe there is a trauma bond between the two of you - the victim and the abuser - which has caused the loss of self, the addiction to the highs (if there are any) and lows etc...You need a lot of support, someone who can be there for you to be able to walk away from him.

Personally I would keep kids off school/nursery for a few days. Whatever you decide keep safeguarding lead in the loop. They won’t judge but will support and know to not let him access and also keep an eye on your little ones.
In the last few hours you’ve taken some huge steps OP. Be proud of yourself. Keep safe and good luck. You’re a brave strong woman, hold that thought. X

Good luck, OP, he sounds horrendous.