I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

delete this thread so there’s no way of finding your plans.

good luck

I left an absuive partner who threatened to take their own life. They are still here and my child did not grow up thinking that was normal behaviour.

Good luck, OP. Your kids will be so grateful for your bravery in the years to come, even if they don't know it now. Stay safe and please look after yourself

I don't normally say this as I'm guilty at times of not reading the full thread, but on something important as this can people read the OPs posts so they're up to date.

This man WILL kill you. And your 2, maybe 3 children will be left alone with a dead mother and a father in prison for her murder. They could end up in care and have a lifetime of trauma. You MUST leave, you have no choice, seek help do it is safely but you must leave.

I was SA’d in childhood and guess what, I don’t go around battering my DH. The guilt you might feel ( I hope temporarily) if you leave him will be as nothing compared to the guilt of seeing your kids grow into dysfunctional teenagers and then adults, no doubt slipping into equally abusive relationships, abusing alcohol, drugs etc. Get out.

You can't believe anything he says. He has lied about other things so he could lie about his childhood.
In any case he is a danger to you and it's irrelevant why.
Please leave and go to your parents. Even if you don't meet anyone else in the future it would be more peaceful and happy to be on your own.
At the moment you are living with extreme stress and all your self confidence has gone. You owe it to yourself and your children to get some support and leave.
You are responsible for your children but you are not responsible for him.
He may find it impossible to cope with life on his own but it doesn't need to be you who props him up. If there is a crisis the services, such as they are, will become involved.

Good luck. Perhaps also contact the local police DV contact to tell them your plans and so that if you need to contact them they know to react.. if he’s been in jail for assaulting you and is continuing his abuse then you have justification for a restraining order. Get these things in place before he tries to get access to your children. Any access should only ever be supervised

plus advise the nursery and school so he doesn’t go to collect them

Just seen the update at 15:02. Well done and best of luck.

I'm sorry I didn't read the latest updates. You have been brave. Good luck with everything.

Read your post and leave him.
You owe him nothing!
You owe your children everything - you decided to bring them to this world - the least you can do is protect them from what is happening. Seriously.

Switch everything else off inside your head except save the children save the children save the children.

That is your be all and end all. Give them a chance at having a life.

You know this is beyond horrific. Your death won't solve anything and will actively hurt your children. And staying with him is going to lead to that.

@Forevertrappedhere so happy to read that you leaving him is imminent! was going to suggest somewhere that he does not know but I see that you have that in hand. well done. and good luck to you and your children. do not worry about him. let him fester. he does not deserve any space in your head.

I read and couldn’t leave without commenting. You are so brave OP and you deserve more, which you will find. Wish you all the best and hoping for a happy update when you’re ready ❤️

There's so many people rooting for you. God bless and good luck little family.

Op this is so sad to read. I really feel for you. Please for the sake of your children, leave this monstrously abusive man. They can't be living in a happy environment and they will 100% be affected long term by this. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them. Please.

Please leave OP before he kills you. Your children will end up with neither parent. They deserve to have their Mum. Do it for them x

☝🏻

Good luck OP! Come back and tell us how you are. Wishing you all the best in the world to you and your lovely children ♥️

You can do this, for the sake of your children if not for you.

Grab everything of yours and the kids out of the dirty washing basket and take it with you - it'll be full of clothes appropriate to the weather

If you can't do it for yourself, please, please PLEASE do it for your children! Leave and don't look back!

Never to old to have a great time 😊

The only reason you feel this bad about yourself is because of him. You are NOT the person he has made you think you are.

you are worth so, so much more than him.

Take your children and get out now. You have a loving safety net all around you.

You’ve got this (you really have) xxx

💐💐

Leave and never look back. You and your kids deserve so much better xxx

It is only a matter of time until he kills you.

Get out!

Leave. I was in a violent, manipulative abusive relationship
I was too scared to leave when one night police approached us just as we were going into our house where somebody reported him.

They took him to a cell overnight and I ran with just a rucksack of clothes. I had nobody to go to and stayed in a hostel. He called me and said 'Stop being silly and come back". I knew if I did it might be the end of me. He harassed me 'nicely' for months, wouldn't leave the rented flat in my name (which I was too scared not to pay for and paying for my hostel). I was too scared to do anything and finally he moved out. I got a £4,000 bill where he had smashed it up.

Been 7 years. Spent 5 free years single and totally in control of what I wanted. I actually believed I missed him but that's part of what being manipulated does to you. Your train of thought gets gradually altered to work for them.

Now with someone so wonderful.

Please waste no more time. You will look back proud in time to come that you and your DC are yourselves and free.

Please go through with it. You also have support 💐