I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

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I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Exactly. Let him crack on with it. He won’t though will he

Please, please for the love of god tell the police. Get rid of your phone, get a cheap replacement phone and change all of your passwords. Your priority here is keeping you and your babies safe and hidden from this incredibly dangerous monster.

We are all rooting for you and you are WORTHY

From a tough love angle, if you stay he will kill you one day. That's the next step. Let him threaten suicide, let him go through with it, that's on him and I won't say what I truly think about him doing that.

He doesn't love you, he hates you, it's abundantly clear so even if no one "ever loves you again" they don't now but at least you'll be alive and not having the rest of your life ruined by him. There's worse things than not being in a relationship and you're living what that worst thing is.

Don't let your children grow up around this, it will ruin their lives before they've even really started.

You are the victim here, not him, why do you feel guilty for him not being able to do anything? Will he feel guilty when he's killed you and taken your kids mum away from them? What will happen to your kids living with that monster?

Please please when you leave don't go back to him, report him to the police again, detail everything, get him back inside where he can't hurt you and start to rebuild your life and you will see with a bit of time how much better it can be. You have lived in an awful environment for so long, underneath the fear you are incredibly strong- use that now and push through the change and the difficult times for a happy life which you deserve.

He's made it obvious he's a liar, who's to say he's telling the truth about his childhood. He's a psychopath manipulating you for his gain. You are worth more than having to put up with this. Your children are worth more and you all deserve happiness and even more important safety and security.

Good luck when you leave, accept it's hard but you are stronger and if you can get through 10yrs with him you can get through anything

You are a very brave woman. Once you are out, please don't ever go back. You and your children deserve a good, peaceful and happy life. You will never, never have that with him. Do this for yourself and your little ones. Your posts made me cry. Hundreds of women are willing you on and lending their strength to you.

Who cares if he commits suicide (he won't 100%). Saying this is just another way of controlling you.

I hope you're logged out and gone by now. Good luck. For anyone else who is ever in this situation. One good way of double checking you've cleared everything off of a computer is to log out of everything, check your password manager and delete everything in it, erase the history then download a different browser (i.e. if you usually use chrome, download firefox instead) and delete the entire browser (i.e. you no longer have chome and firefox is the way you now access the internet).

Let him bloody jump!

AND I was fat when I left my first husband because he messed me up so much, well I found husband number 2 at 40 and got married again, He didn't care what I looked like. You only think you can't find someone else because your H beat you down so much.

Totally, can't help thinking about those poor children - the police needs to be informed.

I don't know what else to say except you have to get out. Who cares what he's threatening, just leave with your children to go to your family before it's too late.

Oh love, you need to get the help you need to leave him. You do not owe him anything. He will end up killing you.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

Who cares if he can't do any of the above? Actually, I bet he can do all these things but just lets you do it as part of his control over you.

The fact you have written all you have down says you are stronger than you think. Let your family help you & your children 💐

Please speak to a solicitor about leaving this awful situation and creating a new a better life.

The Law Society has a database which will show you which ones are in your area. Please call one this week.

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Sending my love and support, OP. You are brave, strong and you've got this.

Leave. Go to the council for help.

Why don't you just go now, Op? The call will wait. The damage being done to your children alone should surely make you leave and stay left.

OP, please please save yourself and your DC. He deserves less than zero care or loyalty from you. He's tried to kill you already, please get out before he succeeds.

If you are still reading OP, good luck xxx

Living with him could mean your children die or at the very least he could easily leave them without a mother and end up with him. Sorry to be blunt but he's not even an under control abuser.

If he kills you, your children will be left in his care. Could you bear that? What he would do to their lives? Honestly, get help, get out, save them and yourself.

I am so proud of you! Best of luck, please let us know how you get on if you're able

Good luck OP. We are all rooting for you and proud of you. You are amazing and soon you will realise how amazing you are too ❤️ do it for your kids and for yourself, you are worthy

please leave. You are worth more. You children are worth more.
There is a risk that you and children will be seriously physically hurt but they are already likely to be emotionally damaged and they are young enough to get over this and develop normal behaviours, relationships and expectations (if you leave now).
Of course his behaviour and treatment towards you is not your fault. Whether you do or do not choose to enter another relationship in the future, nothing could be worse than staying where you are.

Haven't read the full thread.

Just pack bags and go. Take passports and ID and any other paperwork you will need. Birth certificates etc.

He has a grown adult, he can start standing on his own two feet.

Go to your parents/sister.

Call the police
Call women's aid.

Please don't feel guilty for him.

Find your fight and strength before your babies lose their mother. He will kill you,

Or you will lose your babies to social services because you have stayed.

Find your fight, please, do it for your children,

Imagine, tomorrow you could wake up without being hit at. Spat on or abused. For the first time in a long time.

Leave, if anything happens to you, you’re leaving your kids with a monster