I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

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I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

As far as I'm aware & from what I've learnt from some amazing posters who have had the sense to leave abusive relationships your reaction is common. If you are in any doubt whatsoever read your initial post plus the replies over & over again. I sometimes wonder why I spend time on mumsnet when I'm not working ,socialising etc & your post reminded me. It's because helping people like you even when others don't agree with the advice at least its a contribution & food for thought for OPs. If you value your life & your children's lives run & don't look back. Keep in touch & let us know how you get on OP. You are much stronger than you realise. It just takes one step at a time.

Good luck OP. You are incredibly strong and can do this.

I haven’t RTWT but please get out. I can’t imagine how hard it is but you have the strength to I know you do.
Though I don’t know much about abusive relationships I do know you are most at risk when pregnant from my SW husband. Please please leave.

It sounds like you got the arsehole I had arrested. I did leave, I got a huge amount of help and support from this place.
your children need rescuing. One of mine was suicidal for three years after we had got rid of him 400 mg of Valium last time! But we are settled now, and it’s amazing. We are safe. This week I’ve got a friend coming over tomorrow. a different one to the one that came today, another on Thursday and out n Friday. I do what I like and when.
Yes. I had a breakdown when he was arrested, yes it took time to heal but I’m 65 and having a great time.

Very unlikely he’s going to do that.
He prefers beating and almost killing women.

He’s threatening suicide to try to make OP feel sorry for his pathetic ass.
These weak men are manipulative asshats.

Your husband is having the best time messing you around

He talks like that because it's the biggest joke.

He hits you because violence is exciting and fun.

He thinks that you're garbage and worth less than the mud beneath his feet.

Making you feel responsible is the cherry on the icing.

Get. The. Fuck. Out.

Say no one ever loves me again

He doesn’t love you though - he actively despises you.

Dont even think about the future, just think of the here and now.

Stay and die or leave and have the possibility of a happy life, for you and your children. It’s only a matter of time before he hits your dcs too if he hasn’t already.

Its so, so fucked up that you’ve been conditioned to accept this. Please get out no matter what it takes.

Men who love their partners do not abuse them. There are good men out there, but that’s not even what you need to be thinking about right now. You need to focus on surviving - and that means leaving and not looking back 💐

If you can't love yourself enough to leave then save your children from this. This made me feel physically sick reading what he puts you through. Don't make your children live in this hell any longer. Please OP

Please leave. This man will kill you and your children. And he will do it sooner rather than later. Leave today, save your life and your children’s lives. Everything else you can figure out later.

I had a very similar situation. Call women's aid and they can help you. I had to go to women's refuge to get away but I'm so glad I did. Fear and his control kept me there for 10 years. I didnt have a penny as he controlled everything but with refuge support to get me started, i now have my own home and a job. Leave for yourself and for your children to have a happy and peaceful life, not walking on eggshells..
I left and went back several times after he promised things would be better, it never got better just much worse.

I'm so sorry, this is one of the most horrific things I've read and I'm sending you a huge hug.
Look up co dependent / narcissist relationships and read up as much as you can.
Contact womens aid, please. They won't make you leave him if you want to stay,but they will help with safety planning so you are a bit safer when things escalate.
I can picture you one day, sat on a park bench and watching your children play without having the horrible ominous weight of panic over you, feeling free and happy. Walking on egg shells is soul destroying, you know this.
Wishing you tonnes of love and luck for your future. I hope you get out one day, there's a beautiful world out there just waiting for you.

I've only read your first couple of posts so far OP, but the thing that jumps out at me is HOW IN THE HELL have you still got your children living with you? I'm no expert and happy to be told I'm wrong, but I'd have thought if he's received a custodial sentance for physically assaulting you then you'd be on Social Services radar. Taking him back into the family home would be ringing some serious alarm bells with them, surely. Especially now you are PG again. Does your midwife know your history and can you confide in her? Surely they are not allowing you to continue to live with him and keep custody of your children if they are aware of his previous conviction?

If by some miracle you've got away with it this far, then just think about the consequences of losing them if you CHOOSE to keep forgiving him this vile abuse.

Oh op you don't have to live like this, you say you have a loving supportive family so tell them what's happening and use them to help you.

Please do not continue to stay with this "man" not just for you but for your children, the older they get the more aware they will become. Trust me when I say you cannot shield them from it, they will know whats happening.

Please contact, women's aid, your family and police.

If he threatens suicide just tell him if that's what he wants to do then so be it and let him carry on. He is not your problem or someone you need to look after.

You can do this op.

Bluntly, save yourself, save any children, save any pets - and let the fucker die, then.

Not that he would, but it wouldn't be exactly a massive loss to society, would it?

You are strong and you are brave and you know that you are absolutely doing the best thing for your children by leaving, and for you too. Push away any doubts that creep in. You can do this and before long you will be free of this absolute piece of shit. Wishing you love and strength xx

He 100% will live without you! He lived before you!

Good luck. You've got this. You are doing an amazing and brave thing for your children and for yourself. You have been conditioned by this shitbag to make you think you need him. You do not. Wishing you luck and strength in getting away safely and staying away. xxx

Good luck to you op. Once you'e weaned yourself off the addiction of him you'll find peace and contentment in your life. Be strong, be brave xxxx

The amount of abuse he is putting you through you WILL experience another pregnancy loss. I know how heartbreaking that can be.

when he goes to work pack your bags and get out. Report him to the police and request a restraining order so then there is no temptation to go back.

do you want your children to be treated like this? To think this is normal. They dont deserve it and neither do you. This is not love this will become another statistic of men who kill women. Get out.

Do you not have any guilt of how your children are living, Think of them if you can’t do that please let them stay with a relative so they have a safe home, you are so protective over his feelings and not thinking about your children’s and yours. How do you think your children will feel one day when they wake up and mammy is dead or even worse them witnessing you being murdered because it’s not if it’s when in your situation. If you reach out for help there are many things that can be put in place if you don’t nothing is going to change. He’s a dangerous man and he has made you think this is how you have to life but you don’t

Well done.

If you don’t leave him then as well as the living hell you are in you set your children up to think violence is normal. This means they are likely to be abused or become abusers.

I used to volunteer and through this came in to contact with many women fleeing DV. Many of those men threatened to kill themselves, they never did.

Can I just suggest that nobody @ tags the OP? It could send an email which would lead to this thread.

Sweetheat you need some love, thats why you feel so shit about yourself. You deserve so much more than that relationship. You have put your all into it, and tried and tried and supported and loved, and got nothing but abuse in return, no wonder you feel shit about yourself. Take the step and leave, I promise it will be okay!!!! Please keep us updated how you go, we're all rooting for you xxxxx

You might like to read the thread. You're an hour late.

Again, anyone who @ tags or quotes the OP is potentially generating emails that lead to this thread.