I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

Please ring any and every available source of support.

Do you have any place you can go with the children.....fake a few days away with friends? breathing space.

This is so horrific to read. Get out now for the safety of your children. This will quite simply ruin their childhood and make their adult lives very difficult, they could get hurt themselves. I very much doubt the 5 year old will tell anyone. I grew up in a house not unlike this. Not quite as bad but my father was often violent toward my mother and very angry over normal conversation like you describe, he also treated her as a domestic servant. I never told a soul till well into adulthood as I felt so deeply ashamed of my home life and felt it reflected on me somehow. I was severely reprimanded if I tried to protect my mother and it was implied I would lose everything if the secret came out.

Please leave; it doesn't matter what happens to your husband; your children are far more important and are the innocent victims.

He doesn’t love you and he doesn’t need you. Your children love you & need you. Leave for their sake. Better he kills himself than kills you - and he will kill you one day if you stay.

As someone in a similar situation.
You need to leave for the safety of yourself and your children. Mine also OD in front of me..... unfortunately he panicked and spat most out but I still called 999. That was the last straw in my head.

The best thing I ever done was make a statement to the police. He was arrested within 3hrs and although bailed, I haven't seen him as he's not allowed contact. I have a panic button installed in my house and I have a police marker on my mobile number and address.

My youngest is now brainwashed that what daddy done was normal!!!! It's not and you are setting them up for a life of failure!!!!

I know know know how it feels to be broken and it's easier to stay but I can assure you, the other side IS so much greener!!!!

Idiot.

That is real progress. As PP said as well as your list take anything small that has a sentimental value like something you had as a child or belonging to your children.

More than anything be boring react like you always do in these situations. If necessary, divert him with talk of the wedding planning, the colour schemes she is thinking of or similar. The sort of trivia he will think is beneath him so he won’t be interested.

You can do this. One step at a time. Good luck.

What?

I hope OP is safe.

I would get a cheap phone too- and ditch the old one. A similar abusive person was married to a relative of mine. He used her phone to track her movements after she left. You might need to get your car checked for trackers at some point too.

FFS, read the full thread.

OP Ignore this utter idiot. You’ve done fantastically, well done. Those of us with IQ above our shoe size are proud of you.

I'm so glad you're leaving OP, stay strong for your kids, please THEY NEED YOU!
Sorrybif anyone alreafy said but don't forget :
Birth certificates foe the kids
All your passports
Good luck!

I was so incredibly sad reading your posts and so pleased to hear you update about WA and that you have a plan and support to help you.

You are amazingly brave and strong and you can do this. There are so many people behind you, wishing you well, supporting you and sending you love and strength. You are not alone.

Keep focusing on taking each little step and then the next step. Don't look back, just focus on each day and building a better future for you and your children, one day at a time. Keep reminding yourself, "It will be okay. Me and the kids will be okay."

You can do this and you will be okay.

Well done@Forevertrappedhere you have a plan. You can do this. You really can.

.

@MounjaroUser - you can just read the OP's updates, if you don't have the time to read the whole thread.

Had you done so, you would have seen that she has a plan to leave her abusive OH, and that her children are safe now. You could have applauded her for taking the first step towards giving her children that happy childhood - but ohh no, you had to attack an abused and fragile woman. Well done you.

@GlitterBallss - @Forevertrappedhere has spoken to Women's Aid, and has a plan to get away.

I am so so proud of you, reading your last update. Change all your passwords, user names, anything he knows or has access to. Do you have a car? Get it checked for a tracker. leave that phone on the table when you go in case it has a tracker on it. Get a new phone and set up an email address only for him to contact you on. Take your wages and pay slips and whatever money is yours and half of his too, children's allowance books, birth certs, some pics of the kids growing up, medications, passports, government ID cards, jewellery. Kids favourite toys, school bag for your daughter.
Log out of all apps on your phone too, or better yet leave it in the kitchen sink soaking in a pool of water for him to find.

Open up a new bank account, apply for maintenance if he is working, get all your tax credits etc into your own name solely and make sure you tell them all you have fled from an abusive domestic situation and to put a warning on your file, not to disclose your address to anyone.

Literally change everything or leave it behind, leave that laptop if you have one also. It may have spyware on it.

I hope once you get settled you can log in once again and update us that you are safe and happy, but the very best of luck on your bravery and new start. You are amazing!!!!

Good luck op. You're not alone. You are strong and you can do this. Take it one day at a time. Think of your children. We're all behind you.

You’re being so brave and so strong. You’re saving yours and your children’s lives. Lots of love x

@Forevertrappedhere 👏 Well Done!
Little steps… Stay Strong.
You CAN do it.

For the sake of your children 👧 if not for you at this moment.

All Power to you .
You and your children deserve this message:

Tell everyone what you're doing and why, your mum, your dad, your sister - you'll need them to stop you going back when he calls.

You absolutely can NOT take your children back into that situation, what he does to you - he WILL do to them, he may be already and you don't even realise how wrong it is.
Does he belittle them? Shout at them? Hit them?

Protect them!

We are all rooting for you@Forevertrappedhere 👏🚫Violence free future starts NOW .

Stick to your plan. You must leave. No one deserves the sort of life you have, you are worthy of love and safety. But if you can't do it for yourself, please do it for your children. They are being damaged and traumatised daily. If you don't remove them from this situation, they will likely grow up to be abusive or abused in any relationship they have.

You can do it. Put one foot in front of the other and just keep going.

If he kills himself, that’s his choice.

You too have a choice, and that’s to leave before he harms you further, and before your children are exposed to any other violence and disrespect of their mother. You all deserve this.

It won’t be easy, but neither is the life you’re currently living. The difference is, once you’re away from him, you’ll be free.

Wishing you strength.

Lots of love.

Agree with this op. Change all passwords, get a cheap replacement phone and definitely check your car for tracking devices. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

If he wants to kill himself, let him.

He is a monster.