I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

It may feel impossibly difficult now, in the present moment, but when the dust settles and you look back on it as a bad memory, you'll know without doubt it was the best decision, and possibly the only decision, you really could have made. Hang in there, it won't always feel like this.

Anything small and sentimental you would be sad to lose. If you can carry it with you and can pack it without him noticing, go ahead and bring it.

Came onto say something supportive too, but this is much better. Leaving is incredibly hard and people who say "just leave" and then you don't whilst they mean well, just make it harder. Because I think your head knows you should leave but it's very very hard.

You can find happiness without this man and you should feel safe and calm in a place you call home. Sending love and strength xxx

WELL DONE OP. Really -well done.

GOOD LUCK.

The first step is the hardest and you've done that by chatting with womans aid and you have a plan Well done
Go to your family member with DC and sort things from there
As he has had a custodial sentence, seek advice of SS. I think they must've had previous involvement.
Now you are leaving, you are protecting your DC they can support you
Please don't go back This man will kill you
Suicide is his choice so don't let the guilt stop you.

You have taken the first step and you have your plan.
Your list is great. As a PP said, add photographs and keepsakes (locks of hair etc).
You have support.

The last thing you are is weak.
You are so strong and you need time to think about the situation.
You need respite from the abuse.

Well done so far.
Keep going.
You have your plan. It's a good plan.
One step at a time.

You’ve achieved a lot in a short space of time well done. You are definitely doing the right thing.
You should log with police that you are in a DV situation that you are getting out of this week. They will be on high alert should you need them. Any call about you or your address will be prioritised during this dangerous period. (They won’t do anything unless you need them to)
Good luck op, stay strong, 💐

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die.

Well if you don't leave, you very likely will die - he'll kill you.

@Forevertrappedhere please also remember to make sure your email and browsing history is secure on all devices.
You’re doing the right thing.
And you’re not alone.

If you can’t do it for you right now then do it for your kids. My mum never left my dad (who wasn’t nearly as bad as your H) and she died terminally ill and miserable. I don’t speak to him anymore and my soul hurts for my mum who never got another chance at happiness. Get out and give your children the life they deserve - and you’ll realise it’s the one you deserve, too. x

I don’t know your financial situation but don’t leave reliant on any bank accounts or cards that he has access to or his name on. Make sure you have an account and card seperate from him & secure.

He will kill you.

Your children will grow up without any parents.

Do you want this for them? Please leave.

The first steps are the hardest ones to take. That chat call you are making to Women's Aid is the first step to a new life for YOU and your CHILDREN.
Think about what it will be like to feel free, no more fear, no more being half drowned, beaten, tortured.He will kill you one day, and then your kids will be at his mercy, when will he start on your little girl?

Even if you are unlovable, ugly, fat, hideous, you still are entitled to lead a peaceful life, safe from terror and fear ( you are not any of those things) but in your head you feel that way due to the way he treats you and what he sa

He is an abusive scumbag bastard, who deserves to rot in prison. He hates himself so he punishes you. He is your typical bully, he wont pick on someone his own size cos he knows what he will get, so he picks on you as you won't fight back.

You don't need another man my love, what you need is freedom from them all. Time to get to know yourself and believe in yourself. You can have your Mam or your sister in the hospital when you have this baby.

Let him kill himself, he would be doing you, the kids and the world a favour. He is a toxic waste of space, and he needs to go do whatever he feels he needs to do. I certainly wouldn't be crying for him if he succeeds.

Places to sign out of on shared devices

• Google
• bank cards
• dropbox
• social media
• all work accounts

I think thats everything

You are being so brave. You know his abuse will never stop, and it's only a matter of time before he starts on the children - if he hasn't already - as a way of hurting/ controlling you.

You have a support network - tell them everything, as hard as it will be - I guarantee they'll be there for you.

Wishing you all the very best, and I for one would love to hear from you in the future, when you're safe, free and loving life with your babies.

First off all
Why are you worried that noone will live you.
You need to love yourself
And most importantly
You need to love your children
You need to get out.
Move out back to your parents
Call cops
Never go back.

You must leave .
Otherwise
Your children will go through the same physical and emotional abuse you do and won't be able to cope as an adult and be frequently suicidal due to childhood trauma.
You must leave. Asap.

Call police.

You may want to buy a second cheap phone, in case he has installed spyware.
Change passwords for email etc.
Consider banking access - and taking half the money in any joint account.

Any paper copies or screenshots of his pay slips, bank statements, pension, mortgage and any other assets - to prepare for a future divorce and financial settlement.

I'm your age. It's not old.

Repeating this in case you missed it, good luck lovely x

Good luck and strength @Forevertrappedhere You've taken the first steps.

Also
Please contact you gp
And say that you need an urgent on the appointment
If you can't say anything due to being afraid of your husband, in case he is listening say you need the baby 1 year old checked and at the appointment tell the GP everything. They can help arrange support.

Don't just sign out of the accounts - make sure you delete passwords if you've got a password manager, delete your profile from the browser if you have Chrome, delete your profile from the shared device.

Email yourself or a trusted person a .zip of any photos you've taken of bruises and injuries. Then delete those from the cloud too (if he has access).

Rooting for you @Forevertrappedhere . I'm so pleased you're making a plan and want to let you know how brave I think you're being . I will be thinking about you and your children and praying for you .

You and your children and unborn child deserve so much more than this shitty life. Please let your family know the full extent and let them assist you.

Take care and the very best of luck

I wish you the very best of luck, @Forevertrappedhere - you are doing the right thing, I am sure.

I can only imagine how hard this is, for you - but I am sure that, once you are free of this abusive man, you will begin to feel better, even if it is slow to happen. Think of it like this - for years, you have had a massive rucksack, full of rocks on your back, and you've had to carry it with you whatever you were doing, and never got to put it down, even at night. But you are going to put it down, and you will be so much freer than you are now - the sheer exhaustion of dreading the next conversation with him, the next time he flips from nice to abusive, the exhaustion of having to second, third and fourth guess every situation before you go into it, and then deal with the fall-out - that will be drastically reduced, and you will get all that emotional energy back.

Please take some time to look after yourself - eat good, nourishing food, have some indulgent treats, read books you love, relax in front of the TV or on a walk or whatever gives you pleasure - and consider some therapy to help you deal with all the trauma you have suffered.

You deserve the happiest of lives, and I am wishing it for you.

This is one of the most shocking posts I have ever read on here. He will kill you if you stay. You are an incredibly strong woman to have survived his appalling and constantly escalating abuse, but one day the stuff he doing now won't satisfy his sadistice and domineering personality and he will kill you. Use your strength to get in touch with women's aid and they will guide and support you to find a life far away from this awful man

You are describing how coercive control works perfectly. You live for the moment when he approves, smiles. This is called "blowing hot and cold". He is nice a bit once in a while in between the horrible things so you know how it could be, reminds you how it was before he showed his true colours, when everything was normal, as it should be. You walk through hell and fire to have him be nice because you feel immense relief from the huge stress of walking on eggshells and that things are back to normal, you and the kids are a normal family again. And you think if I am just nicer, I do more, I say yes more he will be nicer more. Thing is the angry, nasty guy is the norm, that is his default. The nice guy is the act he puts on to maintain control. It is one of the tools he uses to control you besides demolishing your self-esteem and physical violence.

He uses this to create dependence and maintain control. The relief and hope you feel in between the abusive episodes is addictive.

You are not weak for wanting to go to back. You are psychologically trapped. Lean on your support network to break out of it.