I would rather die then leave, but I can't cope staying

[Forevertrappedhere]

I could write here forever.
Endlessly.

My husband and I have be together for 10 years.
He is massively horrifically, unbearably abusive.
He is also a closeted bisexual.

Where to start?

He enjoys causing distress. There isnt a single day i can count in the last 5 years where he has spoke 'linearly'

Example:
Me: Hey, do you fancy dinner now or later
Him: Ok
Me: Pardon?
Him: What?
Me: I asked about dinner
Him: Cool
Me: What would you prefer? Eat now or later?
Him: why are you asking again?
Me: (avoiding conflict or hell explode) - I didn't hear you, ould you tell me again?
Him: No.

Then rage becuase I did the wrong option.

He also has fake hallucinations and many other things
He has ADHD and claims ASD but no official diagnosis
He is a pathological liar and has created fake health issues, including forging medical notes before. Also created fake family etc
He is addicted to gay porn and the gay version of hentai

He does nothing around the house. EVER.
He wont pay his own bills
I have to do everything including waking him for work, reminding him to check traffic. EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

He fakes memory issues
He openly speaks about how much he hates women and the world and how hurting me balances that out for him. He smirks and smiles

He hits me all the time. Daily.

I get so anxious and stutter arounf him and he mocks me. I ask him what he would prefer as one day he wants option 1 and the other day same scenerio option 2 (Like dinner above) and if i get it wrong he will rage.

He has tried to drown me and strangle me.

Hes had a previous custodial for his assault on me

This is the tiniest tip of the iceberg. He is ALWAYS angry. ALWAYS. Recently he has said its not about me faking not being upset. I have to prove that im not upset on the inside either. He will beat me and then say my kisses an hour later dont feel like I really love him.

I am currently pregnant after several losses. I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old.

I don't have enough to start over but i do have the most loving supportive family.

I can't leave as I feel so guilty. When we first got together he was such a hopeless moron that i did everything. Even now without me he wouldnt be able to do life AT ALL. No cooking, no cleaning, no socialising, he wont even get to work on time. He has no common sense or initiative

The guilt comes from the fact that he says he is like this due to childhood SA at school and that he doesnt want to be so evil but hes just built that way now. If i leave he cries and begs and promises to change. Threatens suicide. Has even ended up on the motorway before. I always end up going back. I always feel so awful for leaving, like ive done the worst thing imaginable. I ended up thinking oh i must love him. Its an addiction but SO strong.

But i hate him. Im terrified of him.

Yday he held me down and spat on me several times becuase I didnt go to bed when commanded and told him to go away as i was exhasuted, hormonal and grieving.

Is there hope? Has anyone left and stayed happy? Will I ever be understood and heard? Is there any point fighting? im too old - 36, fat and exhasuted to be loved. too ugly too.

I keep thinking maybe hell change. I keep buying books for him, sending videos, paying for therapy. Nothing works.

Someone help. I just want out of here. Sometimes I want to die. I just want to be free

What you're doing is the right thing. Keep going!

You have been so brave to write this, but please get out for your own good and that of your children, follow through with this, your new life will be better, it will take time, but every month, every year things will improve. Nobody deserves this and none of it is your fault, it's all on him.

@Forevertrappedhere this amazing news! Well done, you are being so strong and brave xx

Your feelings are natural right now but they will pass. Just continue with what you have planned. You are doing the best thing you could ever do for you and your children.

Bless you and your kids OP, good luck and well done. X

OP, you're absolutely and one million percent doing the right thing - for you, your DC and your baby

You've done the hardest part

We've got you ❤️

Good luck OP, I hope you can come back on in a few days and let us know you’ve got away.

Going numb is a defence mechanism. It is totally normal and a very logical, sensible way to respond given what you have been through. If you think that doing something like laundry would help you to feel better while you wait for WA to respond, do it. Make sure you have the phone close enough you'll hear it though. If you haven't got passports and other important documents together yet, then I'd prioritise that. while you're waiting.

WA will help you contact the police if you want, but you can also contact the police without WA's help if you would prefer. I would personally recommend taking the support that WA offer, because they can help you know what to expect which will help you feel calmer so you'll be more likely to remember to say everything.

Good luck. You're doing the right thing and you are strong enough to get through this.

You possibly feel vulnerable, you've been under his control for so long and he undermined your self-worth so much you fear the change. You might also feel guilty because you have some feelings for him that might seem irrational to you. But they have their psychological explanation and they are normal. But you need support to break the cycle. Your children can be a huge motivating factor to help you.

Use your support network. Family, police, Women's Aid etc. Don't look back. You are really very strong.

What a woman. Well done! I know you may not come back now but wishing you all the best, hope this is the beginning of the rest of your life

Well done, and good luck. Make sure you have any evidence of his abuse, texts/letters anything, accessible.

Your poor children witnessing this. If someone treated them like this would you help them leave or want them to stay?

This is one of the most horrific posts I have read on here I can only echo what others have said, go to women’s aid, definitely the police, your family. You are not weak and I am sure you are not ugly, you think that because of how he speaks to you.

you must protect your children and you must also protect yourself. Let us know how you get on, I am sure we are all worried about you x

@Forevertrappedhere you should be so bloody proud of yourself for writing this post and contacting Womens Aid. It will be difficult to stay away, it isn’t called coercive control for nothing, but please stay in contact with WA and every time you think about going back, look at the faces of your children and contact WA.
Stay as safe as you can and yes, delete and clear history and cookies. Sending you hugs 💐

Oh gosh @Forevertrappedhere, you are so brave. This is so hard, most people will never know this pain and struggle but all these strangers here wish the ABSOLUTE best for you. One step at a time. Nothing you’re thinking or feeling is wrong or bad. You’ve lived through so much trauma. Good luck to you. You can do this, even when it feels like you can’t.

Just saw your in WA. Highly recommend Zonta House which is a refuge and has all the supports in place for both women and children and emergency accommodation but also other supports. I’ve attached the photo so you don’t have to worry about your browser history as much.

Zonta House refuge for domestic violence/women and children - 1800 870 149 option 1 or 2

consider putting find my iphone or life 360 on your phone with someone you completly trust, like your sister or your mum, so they can keep an eye on where you are

If/when he kills you your children will be with him without a mother. Think about what life will be like for them.

Great news, OP!

speaking as a m,an....leave him
no one should suffer abuse

Cross posted. I'm really glad to hear this. I hope you feel proud of yourself. This is a difficult thing to do and you're doing it. Well done!
With regards to packing, don't overthink it. Your list sounds great. You're not going to the moon. If you find you forgot something, you'll be able to borrow or buy a new one later. I'd take any physical photo albums too though as well as anything else small and irreplaceable.

Well done. That sounds like a sensible plan. Keep your focus on that. No need to look back or forward at this point. Just keep your eye on the sanctuary and breathing space of your uncles house. You and your DC safe and sound. Everything else in its own time. Your list of things to take seems complete, but don't stress too much beyond that. There's always shops. Now you have support from WA I'd take only their advice about legalities, the police etc as you may get conflicting advice on here which can be a bit stressful and confusing.

How exceptionally brave of you to write this post. There aren’t words big enough to say how sorry I am you are going through this. Your life and your childrens lives are in danger. If something happened to you would you want your kids alone with him all the time? Your post is so big but a great “first step”. Please please please contact womens aid and break this cycle of abusive for you and your children. You are worth more. You aren’t fat and ugly. He on,y makes you think that. You are beautiful and worth something and worth everything to your children. Please please please find a little more courage and call someone who can help you every step of the way and protect you. There is wonderful help out there and with your supportive family you can have a better life - the life you all deserve. Big hugs to you and please let us know how you get on. Rooting for you!!!!!!

I hope that you have some help OP - this is much to deal with alone.

What are your options?

You could stay.
-Your situation and your happiness are unlikely to improve if you do- and might well get worse. Your future will (almost) certainly be just like now.
-It is probably worth confronting the thought that you have no power to change him into the loving partner you want and need. That man isn't him. Staying won't change this.
-If you stay and help him with practical things you see him needing, you are also 'helping' him to stay cruel. He is getting away with being a monster. Kindness and patience seem to be feeding this in him. It isn't good for him and it is certainly not good for anyone around him.
-There is a danger that your children will learn that the life you lead is 'normal' and one they will expect for their own futures.

You could leave
-it will be very tough to do. Many people struggle with this point. However, you have already coped with terrible times and this suggests that you are stronger than you think. 'Tough' isn't something you can't do. Keep trying.
-your future will be uncertain. However, 'uncertain' isn't bad. It is actually unlikely to be as bad as your present. It could be very much better. (As you can see from other posts - people have gone on from here to find happiness.)
-your children will learn that life can be tough but that what you do is face up to that and deal with it. They will expect better from their own future partners.

Good work, OP, we're all here cheering you on.

On packing:

• Make sure you have your NI card or no. in your papers;
• Ditto bank and savings details and log in numbers / codes;
• Kids favourite cuddlies;
• Anything small and valuable like jewellery.

Do block him to make sure you have head space. A family member can pass on key comms about the children.